thatguy85 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hi All, I've made several posts about my situation in the past which usually lead to a lot of great advice and a lot to think about. Even the harsh and direct advice has been very valuable to me. Just to summarize: My wife and I are 24, have been together for more than 6 years and are going through some rough times. She had 2 EA's, one that lead to a physical affair. While being hurt I became attached to another woman (of whom I recently met like a week ago) while in need of help, but I've stopped pursuing that. It was wrong to look for an outlet in another woman while I was hurt. I've been dealing with trust issues and low self-esteem issues due to all of this over the last couple years. I miss what we used to be, but I don't know if I could ever have that back. I haven't been as attracted to her as of late, I haven't had desire to have sex with her, or even kiss her for that matter. She has apologized profusely, promised to fix her, me and us as a whole, said I'd regret leaving if I did, etc. We have had very teary emotional nights, and then days where I would lash out at her angrily. We've been going through MC to try to work on this, and the ball is in my court. She want's this to work, and I'm not so sure anymore. My mood changes hourly. Some times I want her and want to fight for this, while other times I am repulsed by her and fantacize about a life away from her. The worst and most confusing part of all is the morning. When I wake up, I want nothing more than to be with her. I want to call out of work, make things right and lay with her and hold her. A few hours after I get up I start wishing we were over and that will last for the rest of the day. I know where she is - she wants to work it out and fight for this. I don't know where I am, and neither does she. I've always had an issue with making decisions. In fact, I even have a hard time choosing what I want to eat when I go out to a restaurant. I'm incredibly indecisive about this and don't know what to do. I've reached out looking for someone to show me what I want, but it never happens. How do I fix this? I want an answer for myself once and for all. Do I want this, or am I finished?
seibert253 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Now you know why they call it the rollercoaster. Your up, then your down. One minute you love her, the next you're repulsed by her. It's a natural reaction. I went through it, just about all BS's go through it. Mine lasted about a month and a half. Give it time. Eventually when you start feeling the same all or most of the time, (either wanting to work on this or get the f&ck out), then you'll know what's right. One bit of advice. When your angry, don't lash out at her. Your wife sounds remorseful, knows she was wrong, and wants to fix this. Yelling and belittling her is not going to make you or her feel better about what happened. It's done. I would get that way, yell and scream at her, then felt like sh$t afterward. My IC told me when that feeling comes, get up and leave. Go for a run, go to the gym, burn off that feeling. Worked great. I really believe this helped me heal faster, and learn to deal with this positively. As far as the rollercoaster, even if you break up your marriage, the rollercoaster ride will continue. Time is the only thing that stops the ride and lets you off.
Devil Inside Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hi All, I know where she is - she wants to work it out and fight for this. I don't know where I am, and neither does she. I've always had an issue with making decisions. In fact, I even have a hard time choosing what I want to eat when I go out to a restaurant. I'm incredibly indecisive about this and don't know what to do. I've reached out looking for someone to show me what I want, but it never happens. How do I fix this? I want an answer for myself once and for all. Do I want this, or am I finished? Part of indecision is not having the confidence in yourself to make the right choice. I think that even though this will be a painful process it will be one that will lead to self growth. I agree with Seibert that you need some time. Like you I am struggling with whether to stay in or leave my marriage...and right know it is as clear as mud which way to go. With all this going on I say stay put until you know what you want...once it becomes clear...really clear...act on it. Good luck man.
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