Leveller Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My ex and I split up in February. It was a mutual split. She got with someone straight away (probably before we finished) and is now 'in love' with him. She is 45 soon, he's 50/1 and I'm 36 so we are not kids. We stayed in contact and still are. We slept together last in May and I went NC until July when she was very jealous about who I am seeing and gave me 20 questions - she did the same in May when we were sleeping together again. She says I am her best friend and 'loves me as a person' and wants me in her life still and often flirts with me whilst telling me she no longer finds me attractive despite her body language saying the opposite. They have their ups and downs and have broken up, gone NC multiple times but she sees him 'as a challenge'. She knows I still love her and would take her back. Her last text to me said "I get on with you too, but probably all my fault as we said don't know what I want but it will all work out. I do think positive. We'll both be ok in life, we know that. Don't matter what choices we make x". By and large she contacts me. I am 99% sure he knows nothing about me and is the jealous/possessive/controlling type who wants to dicate what she wears, when she goes out, who she can have as friends etc. She told me back a few weeks ago 'we can't be seen together because people will think there is something going on between us and I won't be texting you or contacting you because we are much more serious now and I wouldn't want him doing the same'. However the contact has continued and we have been seen together regularly in public, in my car and coming and going to her house. This seems very strange to me given what she said. She brings up our relationship regularly, mostly with positivity, and the reasons that stopped her going back out with me. She still is very intererested in what's going on in my life. She has frequently indicated she would like us to be friends but when I break this down this means essentially what has happened previously. This means me making myself available for meals, favours and comfort. From previous experience this is what led us to sleep together on a regular basis in May. She has dropped many hints about going out for drinks and the like but this only happens when her and her bf have argued. I told her recently I was back in touch with an old ex gf she knew about and again got jealous but wished me luck. I have gone NC but we live 30 seconds apart and see each other regularly. Any opinions would be welcome, particularly what might be going through her mind.
torranceshipman Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well, if you listen to the actual words that she says to you, she is serious about the other guy, and wants to protect the relationship with him. She still feels affection for you (women are really like this a lot of the time) - but not romantic affection - you're someone she used to spend a lot of time with and of course she cares about you and probably misses you, but not in the way you want her to. Don't read anything more into this...sorry dude...
freestyle Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I think she's keeping you on the back burner as a safety-net.(just in case) It's not fair to you at all. I've seen soooo many women do this sort of thing. She wants to explore "other avenues" , yet is expecting you to still be at her beck and call.(The Fallback Guy) While I do believe that occasionally exes can be friends (I have a few) there needs to be a looooooong period of NC first, so both parties can TRULY move on, and communicate on a purely platonic level. My concern for you is that this continued contact with her may prevent you from moving forward. She's taking time and energy from you that you could be investing in finding someone who wants to give you 100%. It's like you're stuck in a holding pattern........... I'm also inclined to wonder how she'll react if/when you start seeing someone new. In my history, my ex; who was so adamant about remaining friends for a full year after splitting, pulled a disappearing act--- the very week that I started to date someone. (so much for friendship) Another point regarding being seen together in public: I still hung out and went places with the aforementioned ex, albeit platonically. And go figure, it was a full year before I got asked on a date, probably because the public perception was that we were still an item. (let's just say, I'm no longer scratching my head about why no one asked me out....duh.........) I've since wised up..................... I feel the healthiest thing for you to do is to go NC. It's going to be painful,but I think your continued contact has done little more than prolong the pain,and confusion, and it's delayed the grieving process. Let her go. Go complete NC. She's not being fair to you or her new guy.
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