Did the A change how you will teach your kids about love and marriage?

[Devil Inside]

This is a question for anyone that has been involved in an A from any angle...WS, BS, OW, OM...child of parents that had an A.

 

Has this experience changed your views on love and marriage?

 

If so, will it change how you teach your children about love and marriage, and how so?

[Devil Inside]

I know for me it has.

 

There are some things that I would definitely want my children to know. I think some of this was always what I thought...but it is reinforced now.

 

One thing is that I would tell my son and daughter to really take the time to get to know themselves...what they believe in, what they stand for, their strengths, their blind spots, their dreams and desires, before committing to a serious relationship, and especially to a marriage and children.

 

I would tell them how very important it is that they have standards and boundaries for themselves when it comes to picking a partner.

 

I would tell them that the first one to two years of a relationship when you are "in love" is a wonderful experience...to enjoy and celebrate it..but to not make life changing decisions from it...they need to wait until the initialal feelings subside...and they see what they really have.

 

More to come....

[HUFI]

This is a question for anyone that has been involved in an A from any angle...WS, BS, OW, OM...Child of parents that had an A.

 

Has this experience changed your views on love and marriage?

 

If so, will it change how you teach your children about love and marriage, and how so?

 

 

We have four wonderful children. Yes, we did teach them to look for good people and to have certain independence but it never occurred to us that affair proofing was something that we talk to them about.

 

The oldest, my only daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and is finding that living together is not the same as dreaming about life together. Earlier this year, I had to have a father-daughter talk about relationships and give her some advice.

 

What a firkin hypocrite I was. I was in the midst of my 7 month affair at the time and I'm preaching to her?

 

You know what’s a heart breaker? After D-day, my wife sent a letter to me with the following sentence.

 

The young innocent girl in me that believed that this kind of love (everlasting and true) could exist has grown up now. I see our daughter looking for the same thing and I don’t know how to tell her that it really doesn’t exist.

 

It’s one of those unexpected costs to the affair and one that I still don't know how to resolve as we still have not talked to the kids about this.

[ladydesigner]

The young innocent girl in me that believed that this kind of love (everlasting and true) could exist has grown up now. I see our daughter looking for the same thing and I don’t know how to tell her that it really doesn’t exist.

 

Yeah I was one for the fairy tales too until my first love broke my heart. Di I like your take on this

 

I would tell them that the first one to two years of a relationship when you are "in love" is a wonderful experience...to enjoy and celebrate it..but to not make life changing decisions from it...they need to wait until the initialal feelings subside...and they see what they really have.

 

If I would have followed this advice I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Although I was with my H for 6 years before we got married. I never would have seen his A's coming, I was completely blindsided, thought I knew him better.

 

I think one important thing I will teach my kids about love and how my H's A and mine affected this view is to not stay with someone who is not making them happy, that you are not stuck in any relationship. A partner needs to love wholeheartedly and with respect. Find a partner with great integrity.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a question for anyone that has been involved in an A from any angle...WS, BS, OW, OM...child of parents that had an A.

 

Has this experience changed your views on love and marriage?

 

If so, will it change how you teach your children about love and marriage, and how so?

 

Yes, it will change what I tell them when the time comes.

 

Before, I wouldn't have even thought or worried to tell them about what to do if someone ever betrays them.

 

but I will tell them that if someone cheats on them, stand up, be a man, leave and never look back. And that if they decide to keep a cheater, that they will be settling for a lesser life, and a life of being suspicious of someone....whereas being with someone that can be given the benefit of the doubt.

[2sure]

I struggle with this.

 

My wonderful daughter, my very sweet and smart girl, 13...

 

Well, I had to tell her just a bit about what has been going on regarding my H's infidelity just because there is tension in the home, our marriage is a mess, and changes are pending. I feared that she had overheard us talking about divorce or moving, etc. and didnt want her having anxiety about that.

 

SO I told her that we were having an issue, a crisis, like marriages sometimes do. I told her that my H had crossed a boundary and had a relationship with a woman that I was uncomfortable with. I didnt tell her that sex was involved at all, I didnt tell her is was with like, 20 different women. Of course not.

 

I told her that he and I would figure it out, or that I would.

She told ME: "Mom, if you put up with garbage, thats what you get."

 

So, I guess in a way I already have taught her...I just didnt know it. I'm not even sure if I like what Ive taught her.

[bentnotbroken]

My children were older when Mr. Messy was....well messy. They actually discovered his mess before I did. I think he changed their perception of marriage and commitment. He changed the respect and view they had of him and marriage in general I think. My oldest ended a long term relationship after d-day...that made me really sad. My youngest dogs marriage in general now. This too I feel really sad about. I think I just have to keep pointing out the difference in covenant marriage and world based marriage and to hold individuals accountable not a whole gender.

[OWoman]

This is a question for anyone that has been involved in an A from any angle...WS, BS, OW, OM...child of parents that had an A.

 

Has this experience changed your views on love and marriage?

 

If so, will it change how you teach your children about love and marriage, and how so?

 

As a child, I grew up with a very negative view on marriage, and cynicism about "love". I was determined never to marry, never to breed, and certainly never to subvert my dreams and plans because of hormones.

 

Later, my father had an A. It gave me some hope - that love could exist, but only outside the prison of M. It made me more determined never to M, but allowed me to dream that one day I might find someone somewhere that I could respect and enjoy enough to want to share at least a part of my life with.

 

Somewhere along the line, I got married. And bred. Fortunately I came to my senses and got out, and lived in concert with my views once again. I taught my kids to be true to their values, not to compromise because of peer-pressure or other societal pressure, and to regard M as inherently conservative, if not outright reactionary. I taught them to embrace the diversity of R modes - and, at school, they were surrounded by kids from multi-modal families, including gay / lesbian parents, cross-race families, adopted families, blended families, single parent families, transsex and intersex parents, and very few "normal" families of two opposite sex parents of the same race of all children. They grew up regarding M as simply one option for people who chose to make a life together, and certainly not the, or even a, logical consequence of love.

 

My daughter has had several Rs with guys, but is now happily together with a woman. My son has been a delightful BF. Both have approached their Rs with a great deal of maturity, and are wary about M and breeding, but don't rule out the possibility "later on". (Gay marriage is legal in my country.)

 

My own As haven't altered my views on love and M, although the last one did lead to me falling in love for the first time, and to my getting M despite my views on M. Has that changed what I'm teaching my kids? Who knows.

[angie2443]

I don't know what I would've taught my children if I never had the experience with my husband's xbff. I know now that I would teach them to have strong personal bounderies, healthy relationship bounderies, and a healthy sense of respect within the marriage. So far, I think I'm doing good, although my kids are all under 6 so it will be a while before they enter relationships.

[joyz]

This is a question for anyone that has been involved in an A from any angle...WS, BS, OW, OM...child of parents that had an A.

 

Has this experience changed your views on love and marriage?

 

If so, will it change how you teach your children about love and marriage, and how so?

 

the concept for marriage is evolving with the times. who knows what marriage will look like when kids grow up.

 

however, i would tell my child to be true to himself and to others and that no matter what to always see the positive things in life regardless of whether he is single, in a relationship, divorced, etc.

[joybean72]

My daughter was old enough to realize what had happened. It hurt her to see her mother crying...missing her step brothers & step sister... It took a whole year to stop crying, work her grades up, etc. It changed her view a little, I'm sure.

 

She KNOWS what love though. Men who showed their love to her (prior to my ex)...my brother, brother in law, friends...etc. Her boyfriend for over a year now. So I'm not too worried.

 

Every parent hopes thier children won't get hurt...unfortunately, life isn't a fairy tale (as another poster mentioned). If it happens, we as parents can only be there to help support and comfort the blows.

[HUFI]

Every parent hopes thier children won't get hurt...unfortunately, life isn't a fairy tale (as another poster mentioned). If it happens, we as parents can only be there to help support and comfort the blows.

 

As mentioned in a previous post, my own daughter was having some growing pain in her first relationship earlier this year. She shared with me the letter that she was going to give to her BF and I want to share part of it here. It shows that our children perhaps learn more than we think they do from the actions of their families. They gain so much of their needs from the family enviroment that they are raised in.

 

From J to T - Lately I’ve been really depressed and angry about the world. You’ve suggested that I think about it and to do something about it, anything that will make me happy. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always believed in being a good person. I strive to treat everyone with respect, compassion and dignity. I feel for others, I’ve sensitive to their pain.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that make me happy and feel better about the world. What makes me happy is love. I want to come home to love, support and understanding. Kisses, hugs, cuddles, whispers of affection, sharing secrets and laughing together – those are the things that make me happy. Growing up, I was always encouraged to give love and receive love, wholeheartedly. Sometimes it’s hard to receive love, that’s why I hide away from you. But, I can and do give my love to you, fully and easily. I wish that we would give and receive love from one another freely and often, not once in awhile, but daily and whole heartedly.

 

I need, not just want, this. I want to feel connected and loved within our relationship. It would bring me so much happiness, hope and faith to feel like we are growing emotionally and spiritually together. When I think about what I hope for our relationship, I hope for something deep and meaningful, something that makes us both feel completely secure and loved in the world. I want for us to work hard at bringing us closer together by sharing stories, laughter, secrets and our deepest thoughts.

 

These are the things that I need to be happy. If I can’t have these things, then I don’t think I’m going to be happy. I hope that in the next year, before we’re done school and need to make some major decisions, we can really dedicate and commit ourselves to each other and to becoming more responsive to each others needs. I want us to build a better foundation for our future by giving each other a real chance in love, and that means giving and receiving freely and wholeheartedly. I want us to strive for something better, much better, than what your parents have, or even what my own parents have. I love you, and I’m making a commitment to our future by dedicating myself to making an effort to know you better, to know myself better, to being open and ready to support and love you, with every effort that I can muster. I hope that you will commit yourself too and that we can try to build a stronger, deeper relationship.

 

 

Even a two timing cheating fathers heart can swell with pride when his daughter grows up a strong and confident person who is willing to demand the most out of her relationships. Same as her mother is demanding from her FWS right now.

[jwi71]

For me it has NOT.

 

Love and marriage are still sacrosanct in my world.

 

It is state of mind...a place achieved within oneself and shared with another. Something earned and given by both myself and the woman I choose to share it with. The betrayal of such by another in no way reflects upon me or my beliefs. And it is how I raise my children when I have them.

 

I, as man and person, am unchanged. Love is still the epitome of human achievement and marriage merely my own human hindered way of expressing it. It is both journey and destination.

 

I do not see how an A invalidates that. It does not. All it does is expose the flaws, however shallow or deeply seeded they may be, of the WS. It is their taint. Not a taint on love or upon marriage.

 

I most certainly hope to be married again. Maybe even have more children (I always wanted three for whatever reason...).

[joybean72]

Powerful letter HUFI.

 

"Even a two timing cheating fathers heart can swell with pride when his daughter grows up a strong and confident person who is willing to demand the most out of her relationships. Same as her mother is demanding from her FWS right now."

 

Was not implying anything different....we are ALL still parents yeah?

[Devil Inside]

 

You know what’s a heart breaker? After D-day, my wife sent a letter to me with the following sentence.

 

The young innocent girl in me that believed that this kind of love (everlasting and true) could exist has grown up now. I see our daughter looking for the same thing and I don’t know how to tell her that it really doesn’t exist.

 

It’s one of those unexpected costs to the affair and one that I still don't know how to resolve as we still have not talked to the kids about this.

 

HUFI...brother..that hit close to home.

 

Ouch.

 

However, as I read below...your girl has grown to become a very insightful and articulate young women with loads of emotional intelligence...you made a mistake in cheating...but you did a lot right too.

[Devil Inside]

I think I would tell my kids that the love they see on TV, movies, and hear on the radio is actually a portrayal of infatuation or falling in love...and not what a mature and long lasting relationship looks like.

 

I would tell them that they should pick to be with someone that will help them to grow. That they can be in partnership with. That always treats them with respect and honor...and can communicate this.

 

I would also tell them that nothing is guaranteed in love and in life. That they should always hold on to themselves...and grow but not change because of the other person...because in the end...it is all we really have to count on...who we are.

[Athena]

Did the A change how you will teach your kids about love and marriage?

 

 

Unfortunately, yes... my kids have learned things about love and marriage I wouldn't have wanted them to learn, firsthand, about betrayal and about depression, and about love gone wrong. It's not what I will teach them, it's what they figured out (whatever that is) seeing H and me in our loving M... we messed up

[PhoenixRise]

It made me more conscious of some lessons I want/need to teach her.

 

I will teach her to really get to know herself before she enters into any kind of long term relationship. I will tell her to always be confident in who she is and to never lose herself trying to love someone else.

 

I will teach her to always trust herself and her instincts more than she trusts what a partner tells her.

 

I will teach her that she is responsible for her own happiness.

 

I hope to teach her to come into any relationship as a WHOLE person.

[PhoenixRise]

DI

 

You ask some really good questions. I am glad you are contributing here at LS.

[movingforward]

I'm a child of divorce.... my father cheated on my mother with a 'girl' that was only a few years older than my oldest brother. It had a huge impact on the person I grew up to be -- on how I viewed men, marriage and mostly myself.

 

Anyone knows me knows that I am staunchly anti-infidelity because of my background. That's why my situation is so hard for me to make sense of. It was that lack of self-esteem and the belief that I wasn't deserving of better... something I'm working on with therapy.

 

I will teach my girls that they should look for someone like their father.... someone that has integrity and conviction. I will work hard to make sure that they know they are "good enough" being just who they are and that no one else can make you feel "less than" unless you let them. They will hopefully know that they are strong and that they are deserving of only those who make them feel good about themselves.

 

I will also teach them that marriage takes work. Don't take your eye off the ball. Keep it growing, moving forward... cherish it. And don't settle.

[ArtAsylumBoy]

As a BS, I will absolutely use what I learned the hard way to teach my two daughters about the pain that lying cheaters can cause.

Seeing as how I can't rely on their mother to teach them about morals and values and self confidence, I'd have to take it upon myself to teach them the truth about what people are capable of. I plan on writing them a letter one day sharing the harsh truth...

To my girls -

- Assume everyone you meet is a worthless piece of crap. Then let them go out of their way to prove you wrong. Most people ARE crap and won't make the effort. Allow yourself to pleasantly surprised by those who do. Then, and only then, should you give them a a chance.

- If you are married and have children one day and should you and your husband hit a rough patch, the guy at work who suddenly becomes a "good friend" does not actually care about you. He knows you're wounded and he is only moving in for the kill. If you fall for his crap, you'll not only ruin your family, but one day you'll realize how utterly stupid you were and feel even worse.

- Screwing the first guy who pays attention to you is not a healthy way to feel good about yourself.

- If you're responsible for causing someone hurt and pain as a result of your actions, come clean, be truthful, remorseful and make things right. Your integrity can't be replaced and constantly lying only makes you look like an idiot and a whore.

- If you get a funny feeling that your partner is screwing around behind your back, you're probably right. You are my children. I know for a fact that you are smart children. Don't let awful, lying, hurtful people try to convince you you're crazy or that you're being ridiculous. They wouldn't freak out so much if they had nothing to hide. Trust your instincts.

- Should you ever be hurt by a spouse and choose to forgive them, you make them earn your forgiveness. If they promise to be truthful and honest from then on, you hold them to it. If they say they're willing to do "whatever it takes", then you put them through the ringer and make them realize what a piece of crap they've been. If they stick through it and work hard for your forgiveness, then I trust you to take it from there. If they decide it's too much work, then dump them fast.

You two kids are the only reason I'm not heeding my own advice when it comes to leaving your mother. You deserve both parents. You deserve a good life, you deserve the truth from us about everything. You were innocent bystanders when it came to your mother's infidelity and the repercussions it's had on our lives. Despite everything, I still love your mother and I am more than willing to forgive her and accept my share of responsibility for the problems we've had. I will not however accept any responsibility for her deciding to neglect you two and me so that she could be suckered by some white trash who tricked her into thinking he cared about her. Should your mother and I have separated before you receive this letter, then I want you to know it was not by MY choice. Daddy loves you and only wanted what was best for you. Learn from my mistakes, because I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, let alone the two most important people in my life.

- Dad

 

Figured it might sit in an envelope for a few years... Maybe a high school graduation present?

[Spark1111]

They are young adults and witnessed by heartbreak first hand, no matter how hard I tried to shield them.

 

Forget love, forget sex, I am talking about respect to my children.

 

Self-respect and respect for others.

 

Do everything in your power to respect yourself and your feelings. Wisely pick a life partner YOU respect and respect their feelings.

 

Work as hard as you can to sustain the relationship.

 

If it fails despite your efforts, end it with RESPECT, before starting another.

 

Have all the love and protected sex you want before marriage.

 

But when you pick a LIFE PARTNER, choose wisely and well. And commit everday to making it succeed. It might surpass your wildest expectations.