I'm guessing I'll seem shallow.....

[EarthGirl]

So this conversation is making me curious -- what are you shallow guys going to do when you and your wife are 60, 65 and so on -- when looks naturally fade? Even a slim woman will develop wrinkles, gray hair, age spots, etc. What do you have left on which to base your relationship?

 

Stace,I have to be honest here in that I have this "problem" in that I probably would not be comfortable making love with a man 60 and up...OR making love with a younger man when *I* was 60 and up. It is probably an emotional impossibility, period, for me. And I am only 27 now still, but somehow I really doubt I will be able to change that even in 30 years no matter how much therapy I go through, whatever. In fact this may seem completely bizarre but this very issue was sort of the trigger for my first horrible depression that started it all at 17...ok maybe it seems VERY bizarre, but nevertheless it is a true story...well it's complicated. I have a lot of weird..brain things. some that may seem even weirder than that.

 

However I do think it's kind of weird that our current society is so bent on sex being a part of life for everyone's entire lifetimes...There is viagra to fix what happens naturally with time and no doubt there are scientists working right now, pretty much round the clock on making better products like that, as well as products that work for older women instead of just men. And there are support groups and websites about sexuality being a healthy and essential part of life at all (adult) ages...and how couples can keep it that way even into their 80's and 90's if "your doctor says you are healthy enough for sexual activity". Cause let's face it lots of people have weak hearts by then and sex by nature is a very intense activity that raises your heart rate. Although I know some people would LOVE to die that way, lol. For me I would rather go peacefully in my sleep.

 

I do think that even if old age only made you FEEL weaker and your internal organs to age but everybody stayed looking 25....I think even with all my issues, I guess that would seemingly solve everything, but for me I think I would STILL think that good god there is a point in life when your body is tired and you're preparing for a whole new journey, you don't know what to expect, you've lived so long had so many experiences and you're tired of this particular existence....I just kinda think there is a time and place for things, and even if people stayed looking young and beautiful forever, in your 80's and 90's ....WHY do you need that aspect of life at that time? Do you know about art and games of so many kinds, and playing with children, and learning to cook new things, music, reading, movies, religion, philosophy...do you have any IDEA of all the wonderful things we have in the world?

 

That's why even though I personally have problems even at earlier ages...I just can't understand why a man and woman who have been married 50+ years and are all wrinkly and shrivelled up and have had sex thousands of times AND are still truly in love and may even be risking a heart attack...why could love not LIVE in their interaction of living every day together of taking care of eachother of all those stories, of laughing and talking, without sex. To me it is a very shallow view of LOVE to think that it cannot exist at all without sex. Love is love and soulmates are soulmates wether they are far away wether a man's penis enters a woman's vagina every day or every week or not for years...love is spiritual, sex is just sex, and is only worth anything when there is love behind it. But love doesn't disappear without the existence of sex, sex is only one of many ways to express that union in a physical way...it may under the best circumstances be one of the most enjoyable and beautiful ways, but even so it is only one of many wonderful ways to be together and in sync, and in love.

[stace79]

It's 35 lbs btw, HUGE difference! (That's a joke too)

 

Listen, you want the guy to be a friggin robot? He says he's not attracted and been unhappy with the girl for 2 years. You really want people to lose their free will? People can't help losing attraction.

 

I've had girls dump me for various reasons (sniff) and I don't cry about it. They have their own reasons.

 

Why the hell is weight ANY different?

 

I want all my EXs to have me back now..........

 

Listen, I had the opposite problem with my fiance... he had an illness that caused him to LOSE a tremendous amount of weight. Did I find him as attractive at 6' and barely 160? No. But I love him, as a whole person, so much that I wasn't going to just ditch him over what he looked like.

 

He still has not put all his weight back on -- he's barely 170 now, and lacks muscle tone because he wasn't able to lift weights.

 

I don't typically break up with people for ONE hang up... it usually takes numerous hang ups on BOTH sides of the coin for me to determine that a R is not worth sticking with. Guys seem to think that the ONE factor of weight trumps all other factors. That's disturbing to me.

[Hkizzle]

Listen, I had the opposite problem with my fiance... he had an illness that caused him to LOSE a tremendous amount of weight. Did I find him as attractive at 6' and barely 160? No. But I love him, as a whole person, so much that I wasn't going to just ditch him over what he looked like.

 

He still has not put all his weight back on -- he's barely 170 now, and lacks muscle tone because he wasn't able to lift weights.

 

I don't typically break up with people for ONE hang up... it usually takes numerous hang ups on BOTH sides of the coin for me to determine that a R is not worth sticking with. Guys seem to think that the ONE factor of weight trumps all other factors. That's disturbing to me.

 

What can I say? Men are more visual than women.

 

I know plenty of women that broke up with their boyfriends or even divorced their husbands for their quirky behaviors, not being outoing enough, or a loser. Not a jerk, but a loser.

 

Women put more importance on the personality.

 

So each sex will dump the other, and there are shallow people in both sexes.

 

(since I know that I will work hard to make $ so shallow women won't dump me)

[Thaddeus]

he had an illness that caused him to LOSE a tremendous amount of weight. Did I find him as attractive at 6' and barely 160? No. But I love him, as a whole person, so much that I wasn't going to just ditch him over what he looked like.

Again, you're making a false comparison, much like you did when you started discussing the natural processes of ageing.

 

Your man had an illness. It wasn't some sort of conscious, deliberate attempt to drastically change his body type. That's completely, utterly different than someone who makes a conscious choice to gain a bunch of weight (or whatever) because they've "got their man/woman" and don't have to try anymore.

[Hkizzle]

Again, you're making a false comparison, much like you did when you started discussing the natural processes of ageing.

 

Your man had an illness. It wasn't some sort of conscious, deliberate attempt to drastically change his body type. That's completely, utterly different than someone who makes a conscious choice to gain a bunch of weight (or whatever) because they've "got their man/woman" and don't have to try anymore.

 

Err you know they're going to say she's got depression.

 

But having said that I don't blame someone for giving up after a couple of years, especially if they've tried and not a shrink. AND NOT EVEN MARRIED!

[stace79]

Again, you're making a false comparison, much like you did when you started discussing the natural processes of ageing.

 

Your man had an illness. It wasn't some sort of conscious, deliberate attempt to drastically change his body type. That's completely, utterly different than someone who makes a conscious choice to gain a bunch of weight (or whatever) because they've "got their man/woman" and don't have to try anymore.

 

The OP's girlfriend has an illness, too. She didn't just get up one morning and say "Gee, I think I'll stuff my face and stop exercising until I gain 45 pounds."

[shadowplay]

Straight up cubbies, yes, it is shallow. If you honestly loved her as a person, this wouldn't be an issue. So, let's pretend that she loses the weight but then, the two of you settle down, get married and she gets pregnant. Will her bloated body turn you off? What happens if she has to go on some form of meds and gains weight?

 

Your g/f sounds depressed. Her home environment or at minimum, relationship with her mother, is messing with her emotional well-being, which is messing with her physical appearance. Instead of getting on her case about her weight, is there no way that you can try to help her work through her family issues? I'm also guessing that since she's graduated, she has nothing to distract her from her family life.

 

This doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for her actions. But it does mean that some compassion, empathy and real love, might make a difference.

 

If this relationship doesn't work, next time, pick someone who not only lives the lifestyle while single, but believes in the healthy lifestyle, at core, or is so wrapped up in shallowness, that she'll stay thin just to avoid being labelled as fat.

 

I'm surprised by this, TBF (and not in a bad way). This seems like a departure from what you've written elsewhere.

[Sam Spade]

So this conversation is making me curious -- what are you shallow guys going to do when you and your wife are 60, 65 and so on -- when looks naturally fade? Even a slim woman will develop wrinkles, gray hair, age spots, etc. What do you have left on which to base your relationship?

 

I'm actually looking forward to the moment when I'm 60-65 and sex becomes less and less important, if existent at all, I think I'd be kinda relieved. So that's not the point at all.

the point is why somebody young, healthy and active like the OP should feel forced to stay with someone fat and unattractive. It is an important part of the cycle of life, and is it particularly important in this particular stage. People start as lover, transition through companions, and later take care of each other; for example.

 

Quilt trip us all you want, but you are only deluding yourself if you think that a young guy (i.e. anybody under 40) will be fine with watching their partner baloon, regardless of their initial feelings.

[stace79]

I'm actually looking forward to the moment when I'm 60-65 and sex becomes less and less important, if existent at all, I think I'd be kinda relieved. So that's not the point at all.

the point is why somebody young, healthy and active like the OP should feel forced to stay with someone fat and unattractive. It is an important part of the cycle of life, and is it particularly important in this particular stage. People start as lover, transition through companions, and later take care of each other; for example.

 

Quilt trip us all you want, but you are only deluding yourself if you think that a young guy (i.e. anybody under 40) will be fine with watching their partner baloon, regardless of their initial feelings.

 

Then I maintain that you guys are a bunch of shallow jerks. It doesn't matter to you WHY a woman might gain weight. If she gains weight, you're cutting her loose. Pretty sick.

[Hkizzle]

Then I maintain that you guys are a bunch of shallow jerks. It doesn't matter to you WHY a woman might gain weight. If she gains weight, you're cutting her loose. Pretty sick.

 

When I was a kid I had girls lose interest because I was too clingy.

 

GOOD! It drove me to improve myself!

 

Survival of the fittest. Wish we were back in the dark ages, people are so damn soft these days.

 

(I was deliberately being a bit extreme in that view. But you get the jist)

[Thaddeus]

Err you know they're going to say she's got depression.

Within moments of your post, this appeared:

The OP's girlfriend has an illness, too. She didn't just get up one morning and say "Gee, I think I'll stuff my face and stop exercising until I gain 45 pounds."

The Amazing Kreskin would be proud!

 

Having personally lived through the nightmare of depression, I know what it is and how debilitating it can be. (I lost a ton of weight, though, rather than gained a bunch.)

 

What eventually got me out of it was taking charge of my life and my happiness. I had to do that myself, nobody could do it for me. I'm not saying it was easy and I'm not saying that everything became a bed of Paxil-colored roses, but I am saying that only by accepting personal responsibility for one's life could I make improvements.

 

If she's sick with depression (and I can't say whether she is or isn't, I'm not a doctor or clinician) then she has to take responsibility for it and DO something about it.

[EarthGirl]

I think alot of women ask themselves that same question daily. I mean, we mock women for being insecure, and I am not saying it justifies being completely insecure but women are sent strong messages about our worth based on fleeting factors. Where does that leave us? A little bit in left field apparently. Don't you guys think we would all love to be gorgeous, glossy and perfect? The ideal of what you desire? Of course. But real life happens and we aren't images on a paper or movie stars that can devout our life to trendy diets and 5 hour work outs. Maybe you guys can cut us a break. most women are trying even if we don't reach your ideal about what you wished we looked like.

 

Again..I don't care if a guy I love does not think I'm attractive anymore because I aged or gained weight or even does not want to be with me anymore. It's a tragedy of "natural shocks" (shakespeare thing again) that our outsides don't always match our beautiful souls in this life. And if you are ok with that and have a really hot sex life with a 70 year old or an obese person that that is GREAT for YOU! I am not judging anybody or trying to rain on anybody's parade, it is a free sex country! I certainly should not have any say about it. However, not all of us are comfortable with or capable of that.

 

But since I have this thing myself, I have no business judging any man that would reject me based on my looks. In fact even if I did NOT have this "problem", I still would not be hurt about it, cause i will tell you that it hurts a LOT more if a guy rejects me based on my personality, my intellect (or lack of-I have real self esteem issues about that), my very soul basically. THAT is when he is rejected me for who I really am, so that is the ultimate rejection that should hurt. If he rejects me based on my looks it means nothing to me if *I* don't like my looks MYSELF anyway. I agree with him so why should I be offended or hurt in any way?

 

The thing that really DOES hurt though is if a guy made fun of me or taunted me because of my weight, or humiliated me in some way because of it in the process of rejection. Because that is taking a weakness that has been put upon me (I believe that I have been through so much in life I have my reasons I have ended up this way, and it is not totally my own fault) basically against my will...and it is hard enough just living with it...For a man to make fun of me for it, humiliate me in any way because of it. THAT is a betrayal of my very soul...using my hardship as a way to get the upper hand on me. But again it leads back to the soul, it is ultimately a rejection of my SOUL that hurts. Giving the feeling that I am not good enough.

 

See here is some philosophy for you:

 

None of us really care if people think we are unattractive physically. Yes we think we do, but I'm telling you, we don't. We ONLY care if people think we are worthy souls. If we are beautiful people, basically. Somewhere in our subconscious a lot of us have a belief that our outsides tend to "match" our insides. You will hear people who meet someone for the first time, and they are told the guy's name is "Matt" and people will again and again say upon meeting Matt, that "oh he really looks like a Matt"...or they will say the opposite, that their name doesn't seem to fit the person. Consistently casting for scary shows like Law and Order and Criminal Minds and plenty of shows before that, will cast "scary looking" guys for the serial killers and such. They typically have beady eyes..sometimes they are actually kind of kind and normal looking but still have an aspect of "threatening" at the same time in their very facial structure and that combination having both, tends to make it even spookier if they are a good actor.

 

We meet people and say they have a "sweet face' and may even base our feelings of if they are a "sweet person" on that. It may or may not be accurate. I personally believe that MOST of the time it actually is and it is a natural biological/spiritual tool God gave us.

 

I know I personally remember being a teenager when I was growing into a more grown up face and looking in the mirror in the bathroom for several minutes every day even a few times when I was getting ready or had to pee when I washed my hands, I would just look at myself. And to be honest and frank I think I was very pretty. However I didn't necessarily think of myself as pretty as some of the women that I myself think of as truly gorgeous. Wether models or actresses, friends or family. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I may or may not have been as pretty as those people to other people, probably I would have gotten different answers from each person I approached. But I didn't personally think I was as pretty as some of them. But that was ok because I felt my face "fit" me. I felt pretty, and that did make me feel good, but even more importantly I felt like I could look in the mirror and say "yep, that's me, that's who I am".

 

Not everybody is that fortunate. What we call in our society "body dysmorphic disorder" and "gender identity disorder" ..in theory and in spiritual terms could simply be God putting a soul in an incorrect body, or giving them an incorrect face, and there is nothing wrong with the body or face, it just simply does not "match" the soul that currently exists in it. I won't comment on the reasons God may do this, but I am sure it's the same as the reasons for the earthquakes and wars and plagues and such.

 

So I believe that when people get down about how they look, have low self esteem issues because of it, etc. It is really them reacting to how they are reacted TO..by others. Of course it is natural for us to react with admiration to people who are attractive to us...And people who go through life experiencing very little of that, have a hard time not really because they are bummed because they are not pretty or hot enough physically but because they feel the absence of enough attention to their soul...and they feel that somehow their outsides must match their soul, so even if it is subconscious when they do not get that attention, they assume that they are inferior as PEOPLE, and their self esteem suffers.

 

If we all just had the theory that God is very very unfair sometimes and he puts us in bodies that we don't necessarily belong in and don't necessarily "match" our souls and show how beautiful our souls really are..then we would be a lot better off. Sure the immediacy of missing that attention would still suck to our more primal emotional nature, and it's not always something we can help or have control over. But once you have that inner knowing deep in your soul that outside doesn't necessarily have ANYTHING to do with inside, you realize that there is no reason for you to feel like gum on the bottom of everyone's shoe anymore.

 

Of course with the romance aspect of life ...that makes this issue even more complicated, but I'll save that for another day.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm surprised by this, TBF (and not in a bad way). This seems like a departure from what you've written elsewhere.

Not every situation will get the same response, hence why I try to tailor my advice per individual(s) and situation. And no, it's not a departure from many of my responses. Shadow, I think you tend to focus on things you don't agree with and most often, kind of breeze over things you do agree with, easily forgetting them.

 

It's reliant on what the opening poster decides to reveal to the members. IMO, based on what he's stated, it's pretty clear cut.

 

So no one misunderstands me, any physical preferences are shallow, gender aside. And yes, that includes my preferences. It's how far you choose to take those preferences, if they exceed love and caring within the relationship, in a potentially short-term scenario that appears to have clear grounds as to what the issue(s) are, that those preferences become callow, if they trump short-term compassion.

 

All relationships and people, go through lumps and bumps.

[EarthGirl]

Within moments of your post, this appeared:

The Amazing Kreskin would be proud!

 

Having personally lived through the nightmare of depression, I know what it is and how debilitating it can be. (I lost a ton of weight, though, rather than gained a bunch.)

 

What eventually got me out of it was taking charge of my life and my happiness. I had to do that myself, nobody could do it for me. I'm not saying it was easy and I'm not saying that everything became a bed of Paxil-colored roses, but I am saying that only by accepting personal responsibility for one's life could I make improvements.

 

If she's sick with depression (and I can't say whether she is or isn't, I'm not a doctor or clinician) then she has to take responsibility for it and DO something about it.

 

Yeah the problem I have with this Thad, is that every time someone tells me to "just DO it" (aka Nike) or someone "pushes" me or uses those catch phrases like "taking responsibility for one's own life" and such...THAT's exactly when I freeze the MOST.

 

I do not know if I am just resentful that I have been treated very badly at times in my life and in fact many times have not wanted to live at all..TRIED to get out of it and stop being a burden, THAT was an actual "action" after all that took some guts and some doing (the attempted suicide, stayed because I could not live with the guilt of hurting my loved ones that way)..and then these same people want me to move on and "take responsibility"...I don't know if I am resentful and I am subconcsiously trying to not get anywhere just to spite them...

 

Or if it is an anxiety thing...cause every time someone tries to give me an ultimatum about changing my life or something ...that's when I panic and my life basically flashes before my eyes, good god it's almost like all the darkness of the world flashes before my eyes..and I am overcome with the most horrible fear and panic and I just FREEZE.

 

It is the times when I have felt understood and validated by others, even in the smallest way just for a moment...or the times when I have for a few days actually been LEFT ALONE in peace for once and not nagged at every five minutes that I have actually started to make actual progress on my own.

 

It's almost like terms like taking responsibility for one's life, is just so ...concrete, it's like quicksand, the more I try to swim and actually DO something, an action, a step ....like everybody keeps telling me it is that easy and I am just lazy and refuse to do anything but sit on the couch and sleep all day..the more I genuinely try to move my arms and legs and swim, take steps, the deeper I sink into the quicksand and get stuck and paralyzed again.

 

It is a positive paradox, or maze or labyrinth or something, it's crazy. Maybe I am just being way too easy on myself or something or letting myself off the hook, but I consider myself a very humble human being, but at the same time, I truly do not think I am a particularly lazy or bad human being and that there is something going on that is very very very dark and scary within me that is not my fault, and that has kept me bound against my will.

 

That is why I know I have to move out of my parents' house. I took the saving bonds they deposited for me, even though supposedly that money was just a little put away to start saving for when they are not around to support me anymore (yeah I am pushing 30 and still living at home : ( ). I just took them and didn't even tell them (got in trouble for it of course even though they are rightfully mine, they were kept in the "blue suitcase" where my dad keeps all the important papers), cause they are all in MY name, and I know that they resent me for all the psychiatrist and therapist bills over the year that amounted to as much or more than they spent on my siblings college education..but being that a huge part of the reason I ever needed therapy at all was the way THEY raised me, and I did not go to college (just a few relatively unexpensive classes at a Community College), I think since they did give me this money willingly (I did not even ask for it, their idea entirely) and it is legally mine now anyway, nothing they can do about it...I should use it how I want to, and if I need to get out of this toxic household I have had to live in for 27 years day in and day out, to have any chance of getting a life, that is what I'll do even if the money will only last me the minimum lease of a teeny tiny apartment for 6 months/1 year.

[shadowplay]

Not every situation will get the same response, hence why I try to tailor my advice per individual(s) and situation. And no, it's not a departure from many of my responses. Shadow, I think you tend to focus on things you don't agree with and most often, kind of breeze over things you do agree with, easily forgetting them.

 

It's reliant on what the opening poster decides to reveal to the members. IMO, based on what he's stated, it's pretty clear cut.

 

So no one misunderstands me, any physical preferences are shallow, gender aside. And yes, that includes my preferences. It's how far you choose to take those preferences, if they exceed love and caring within the relationship, in a potentially short-term scenario that appears to have clear grounds as to what the issue(s) are, that those preferences become callow, if they trump short-term compassion.

 

All relationships and people, go through lumps and bumps.

 

It isn't clear to me, based on the original post, how temporary his gf's weight gain is or what issues are at play. He says she's gained weight over the course of four years, so it hasn't been a sudden shift. Her depression is a plausible cause, but age may be another factor. Women's metabolisms slow down in their mid twenties. Even if her depression is to blame, it could last indefinitely if she doesn't get help for herself.

 

For these reasons the OP's dilemma falls into a grey area. I think he should encourage her to get help all that he can, but at a certain point he has to consider the long term viability of the relationship if she stays in this rut.

[Sam Spade]

EarthGirl, you sound like you already have all you need to pull yourself out.

It is true that nobody is motivated by nagging, but the bottom line is that nagging or no, it is still you who needs to take charge.

Also, more generally, when a condition like this happens, it clearly affects the others around you. Very few people are understanding, compassionate, or self-less enough to understand what's going on underneath. So, they pinpoint the problem the way they see it. It is usually not helpful, but it does not mean that it has been done with malicious intent. I don't think that anybody would mind helping their partner through hard times as long as their partner also wants to help themselves. Conversely, i think everybldy has a legitimate fear of being stuck with a person with problems so severe that they refuse to even attempt to make some changes. So it's very hard, since such refusal can be part of the symptoms.

[EarthGirl]

Listen, I had the opposite problem with my fiance... he had an illness that caused him to LOSE a tremendous amount of weight. Did I find him as attractive at 6' and barely 160? No. But I love him, as a whole person, so much that I wasn't going to just ditch him over what he looked like.

 

He still has not put all his weight back on -- he's barely 170 now, and lacks muscle tone because he wasn't able to lift weights.

 

I don't typically break up with people for ONE hang up... it usually takes numerous hang ups on BOTH sides of the coin for me to determine that a R is not worth sticking with. Guys seem to think that the ONE factor of weight trumps all other factors. That's disturbing to me.

 

Stace,

 

It is disturbing to ME the thought of anyone say 250 pounds and having hot explicit (especially) emotionally intimate sex. I would not want to see it, not want to think about it, and I would not want to DO it...even if it was ME that was the 250 pound partner and I was lucky enough to somehow get a hot guy to participate with me. It goes both ways with me. Well at least I am not hypocritical. I don't know what people would think of me if they knew this about me, but I suppose I try not to care..cause it's a judgement as well of my very character (which is really REALLY important to me) that is very hurtful to me (in such a profound way that I can't truly explain with words), same as judging somehow who is fat or unattractive.

 

I know this must sound completely shocking to some people. I just don't think it SHOULD. It is just the way I FEEL. I'll put this in bold... I CAN'T HELP IT. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I realize it is a differnet kind of disturbing, but it is incredibly disruptive to me emotionally in a horrible horrible way.

 

I guess that is all I have to say about it.

[Thaddeus]

Yeah the problem I have with this Thad, is that every time someone tells me to "just DO it" (aka Nike) or someone "pushes" me or uses those catch phrases like "taking responsibility for one's own life" and such...THAT's exactly when I freeze the MOST. (etc.)

EG, from the bottom of my heart and soul, I can truly relate to those feelings. Once I started the process of healing and recovery I received astounding support from friends, family members and my doctor (and pharmacist!). But yeah, taking that first step was extraordinarily difficult for all the reasons you describe.

 

Do it anyway.

[silic0ntoad]

I am still confused how body preference is considered shallow. It's new age hippie crap to believe that if you ask me.

 

Honestly, people have body preference. For males, 60% of attraction is physical. 60%! That means you would have to be one hell of an amazing person for it to even count. At least I think those are the figures.

 

I don't get how I am considered shallow because I can't get it up if I am not attracted to you- and your body weight/figure is counted when I consider attraction.

[Thaddeus]

I am still confused how body preference is considered shallow.

Some people find it extraordinarily easy to judge and criticize.

 

But, to quote one of my favorite authors (Dr Suess!), "... Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

[silic0ntoad]

You are right. I mean, I am not trying to be callous, but really, i am not a huge guy. I am only looking for average or below. Because I am average. Get my drift? For some reason emotional prowess doesn't figure into wether I can sleep with you or not.

[stace79]

I am still confused how body preference is considered shallow. It's new age hippie crap to believe that if you ask me.

 

Honestly, people have body preference. For males, 60% of attraction is physical. 60%! That means you would have to be one hell of an amazing person for it to even count. At least I think those are the figures.

 

I don't get how I am considered shallow because I can't get it up if I am not attracted to you- and your body weight/figure is counted when I consider attraction.

 

If you had read and comprehended what I said, you would understand what I am saying. Having a preference in and of itself is not the shallow part. I prefer clean-shaven guys who are taller than me and I don't generally like bald or shaved heads.

 

Where it seems to be shallow, IMO, is that men will overlook quite a few flaws, but when it comes to weight, if you even think about gaining you're done. I don't know how many guys I've known who would choose a skinny, ugly girl over a pretty heavier girl -- and I'm talking just maybe 15 to 20 pounds difference! Haven't you ever heard of a "butterface"?

 

I just find it extremely shallow that weight would be the ONE defining factor that would cause you to dump a girl, as opposed to lack of intelligence or some other annoying habit, etc.

[Hkizzle]

If you had read and comprehended what I said, you would understand what I am saying. Having a preference in and of itself is not the shallow part. I prefer clean-shaven guys who are taller than me and I don't generally like bald or shaved heads.

 

Where it seems to be shallow, IMO, is that men will overlook quite a few flaws, but when it comes to weight, if you even think about gaining you're done. I don't know how many guys I've known who would choose a skinny, ugly girl over a pretty heavier girl -- and I'm talking just maybe 15 to 20 pounds difference! Haven't you ever heard of a "butterface"?

 

I just find it extremely shallow that weight would be the ONE defining factor that would cause you to dump a girl, as opposed to lack of intelligence or some other annoying habit, etc.

 

ANIMAL NATURE........

 

Would you be ok with a wimpy guy that ran off instead of protecting you if you needy help? Come on.........it ain't just about shallow.

 

It's pure friggin animal nature. You wouldn't be able to like a nervous wreck of a man even if you wanted to.

[Trialbyfire]

It isn't clear to me, based on the original post, how temporary his gf's weight gain is or what issues are at play. He says she's gained weight over the course of four years, so it hasn't been a sudden shift. Her depression is a plausible cause, but age may be another factor. Women's metabolisms slow down in their mid twenties. Even if her depression is to blame, it could last indefinitely if she doesn't get help for herself.

 

For these reasons the OP's dilemma falls into a grey area. I think he should encourage her to get help all that he can, but at a certain point he has to consider the long term viability of the relationship if she stays in this rut.

Multiple views is what makes LS go round. To me, based on the information the OP has provided, it's pretty clear cut. For you, not so much. That's okay too.

 

I don't disagree that if the situation doesn't change, that he's going to have to make a choice. But...for certain, harping on weight gain when she blatantly knows it, when she's at a low point in her life, is detrimental not only to the relationship but her emotional well-being.

[stace79]

ANIMAL NATURE........

 

Would you be ok with a wimpy guy that ran off instead of protecting you if you needy help? Come on.........it ain't just about shallow.

 

It's pure friggin animal nature. You wouldn't be able to like a nervous wreck of a man even if you wanted to.

 

You think it's innate that men want skinny women? This is not at all true. Skinny actually goes against evolution. And in fact, over most of history, women (and men) who had some pudge were more desirable, because it demonstrated one of several factors:

 

1. You were a good hunter and could capture enough meat to not be skinny.

2. You were socially higher up with better financial status, so you could buy more food to eat (and thus would not be skinny).

3. Skinny women have more problems in child-bearing, thus they are not as able to carry on the man's genes/name/whatever.