cubbies4me34 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've been dating this girl for over 4 years. She just graduated from grad school. We've been dating since we met in college. When I met her she was motivated, happy, energetic, smiled all the time, and she loved to run and workout. Over the past couple of years she's been a lot less happy, less energetic and hasn't ran or worked out at all really. I think a lot of it has to do with her mother becoming such a terror and being tired from work and whatnot. But she's become somewhat of a coach potato. She's gone from 115 lbs to 150 and it bothers me a bunch. I've done everything from buying her a gym pass...Offering to go on runs, bike rides, walks, and everything. I have never come out and said 'your fat' or anything of the sort. I've encouraged her when she she gets the urge to sign up for races like she used to run.....yet out of the 3 she has signed up for, she ditched out on 2. She complains how she doesn't look how she used to, but then doesn't do anything about it. I understand people have less time and things when life comes at them, but I've got work and friends and life and I still find time to take pride in my self and how I look and feel. I'm not sure what to do. But I'm feeling less and less turned on by her. She's an amazing girl, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but this weight and unambitious thing is killing me. I don't know what else to do? Do I just have to come out and say it? Any help appreciated.
Thaddeus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It's not shallow at all. You have a preference in body shape. Since when is having preferences shallow? There are probably a number of things happening here, many of which you've already referenced (stress at work, problems with her mother, etc.) but there's another issue that you haven't touched on. Sounds like she's become lazy in the relationship. Since you're not presenting much of a challenge anymore, she now sees you as part of the furniture. This happens all the time, by the way. It's very common for people who are in LTRs to sort of "let themselves go" (and it's not gender-specific, both men AND women do this) but as soon as the LTR breaks up, the women suddenly start going to the gym and losing a bunch of weight and the men get new clothes and become snappy dressers. So, to the point: How do you ramp up your relationship so you present more of a challenge to her? It's impossible to say without knowing the dynamics of your relationship at the moment. How would you describe it? Are you outgoing? Introverted? Have you lost your aggression (ie: balls - I say this with respect, not judgment, because this happens a lot)? Do you feel that she doesn't respect you?
deux ex machina Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I don't believe it's shallow. Since you say this is the person you wanted to spend your life with (past tense), I'm going on the assumption that this would not be something you would be willing to tolerate long term. So going on that assumption, I'd say tell her. The reasoning is that you'll end it (hopefully) if you don't want this and she continues being this way. So you don't have a lot to lose, except what you're dealing with now - which you find undesirable anyway. Maybe she'll change - it's up to her. If this is really her, you will have to respect that and move on. Because she won't change unless it's her will to do so. You might be afraid of her being upset, but over time you'll end up resenting her if she's not what you want and you're with her. Even though it would be your choice to stay. It's as unfair to her as it is to you to stick with someone you're not into anymore.
Sam Spade Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 "Yo, porker, shape up, or ship out!" I'm kidding, I'm kidding . That said, you're in a predicament many guys fear. Depending on what is the dynamics of the relationship (see Thaddeus above), there is nothing wrong to bring it up. One possible speech I would give is "Sweetie, I love you, but I got attracted to you as a thin person. The way things are going, this is affecting my attraction to you and I fear it can ultimately affect my feelings. It is important to me that both of us take care of ourselves, and I'd do anything I can so we get on track", blah, blah, blah. What you've done so fat (freudian slip, but I'm keeping it) is fine, but it seems you've been too indirect. It may be time to make it clear in no uncertain terms that you are not happy about it. Lastly, also pointed above, how do things look on your end? Are you keeping in shape in all aspects? You can't let a woman get too comfortable. I wish this was not the case, but you just can't. I'm not saying this will solve your problems, but you should always make sure that you're in condition good enough so that other women salivate over you (but don't be a jerk about it).
Thaddeus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 By the way, know this for certain: There is no way on this earth that a man can make a "suggestion" to a woman about her weight and NOT have her go ballistic on you. Doesn't matter how gently you put it or how you soften the message, she WILL - I can absolutely guarantee it - that you'll start to hear things like, "You don't love me anymore!" and "This is the way I am, take it or leave it!" and other such emotional nonsense. Don't let that stop you. Be clear, be direct, also be gentle (no need to be arrogant or too aggressive about it) and understand that she's gonna blow her stack. Good luck. Oh... wear a cup. Seriously.
Jaytb Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 By the way, know this for certain: There is no way on this earth that a man can make a "suggestion" to a woman about her weight and NOT have her go ballistic on you. Doesn't matter how gently you put it or how you soften the message, she WILL - I can absolutely guarantee it - that you'll start to hear things like, "You don't love me anymore!" and "This is the way I am, take it or leave it!" and other such emotional nonsense. not my girlfriend no seriously, talking about weight isn't taboo between me and my gf. Asians seem better at handling weight discussions because, yeah, they do have pressure to stay thin, but they also eat healthy and tend to walk instead of drive. Staying thin is easy if you don't have junk food and fast food and you walk or bike many places. OP, this is the perfect example of what the weight issue is about (for me at least). It's natural that she gained weight during school, I understand that that's typically a stressful time. But she graduated, and now doesn't want to do anything about her weight. I don't want to be with a couch potato, and I want someone who takes her health very seriously. I guess all you can do is try to nudge her into doing some exercise. Your dates can be long walks, or bike rides, or long hikes or something like that. You can try leading by example, for instance, if she's eating some junk food, you can eat an apple or something. If she doesn't respond to subtle nudges, then you should tell her how you're concerned about her not treating her body well. I wouldn't be quick to give an ultimatum, though, but she should know that this is a concern for you.
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Okay, first off you don't sound terribly shallow. You met her a certain way, and now she has changed, and you have said it's more than JUST the weight gain -- it's that she is also unhappy, inactive and somewhat lazy. Those are personality traits, not just physical. Now, on the flip side, and I have been the woman in this situation, I would not suggest talking to her about it. If you do, beware. My take when my SO told me this was "Well screw you. I'm not going to lose weight just to make YOU happy." And he even told me in a "nice" or PC way, like you did here -- that he wants someone active, happy and energetic, who is concerned about health. But women read into that "I'm fat and he doesn't like fat chicks." She could be different than me, but that's my take on it. I am not sure the best way to solve this dilemma to be honest. Maybe I just have too much pride to let a man tell me he's unhappy with me physically and then get to stick around and enjoy the spoils when I get back in shape!
Sam Spade Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My take when my SO told me this was "Well screw you. I'm not going to lose weight just to make YOU happy." And he even told me in a "nice" or PC way, like you did here -- that he wants someone active, happy and energetic, who is concerned about health. But women read into that "I'm fat and he doesn't like fat chicks." well, precisely the point about mutual respect and accountability here. If woman genuinely feels that way, then why is she bothering being in that relationship to begin with? Why should he be providing that he is providing to make *her* happy? I'm not talking about unreasonable micromanagement of a girl's body, but fat is fat is fat and refusing to acknowledge it is disrespect. 35 lbs is overweight. This is the weight gain associated with a pregnancy for crying out loud. Nobody will dump a girl for a few pounds of curves. The essential point is that she does actually care and take pride in her body. I'm tired of the shaming of guys who openly admit they don't like fat chicks. Newsflash: this is MOST guys.
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've been dating this girl for over 4 years. She just graduated from grad school. We've been dating since we met in college. When I met her she was motivated, happy, energetic, smiled all the time, and she loved to run and workout. Over the past couple of years she's been a lot less happy, less energetic and hasn't ran or worked out at all really. She's an amazing girl, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but this weight and unambitious thing is killing me. OK, you've been buying her gym passes, and getting all encouraging about other forms of exercise... trust me, she knows you find her fat & unattractive, you'll gain nothing more than the end of the relationship by talking about this more... The bigger issue is that she's been unhappy for a couple of years (half the time that you've known her). Maybe you could start here - bring it up that you've noticed she seems less happy with life, and you've been assuming it was the stress of grad school, but now you want to know what you *both* can do to make her life better... Focus on increasing her enjoyment with life, and she should engage back in the activities that she enjoyed when she was happy before - which includes the physical exercise... If you love her, you'll want the best for her - and that's giving her a hand out of this (minor?) depression she seems to have got herself in...
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 OK, you've been buying her gym passes, and getting all encouraging about other forms of exercise... trust me, she knows you find her fat & unattractive, you'll gain nothing more than the end of the relationship by talking about this more... The bigger issue is that she's been unhappy for a couple of years (half the time that you've known her). Maybe you could start here - bring it up that you've noticed she seems less happy with life, and you've been assuming it was the stress of grad school, but now you want to know what you *both* can do to make her life better... Focus on increasing her enjoyment with life, and she should engage back in the activities that she enjoyed when she was happy before - which includes the activity... If you love her, you'll want the best for her - and that's giving her a hand out of this (minor?) depression she seems to have got herself in... That sounds good. Maybe it is more about clinical depression than a lack of ambition? Sure, a lot of people get lazy, but if it's clinical depression she may not have much choice without therapy or medication.
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 well, precisely the point about mutual respect and accountability here. If woman genuinely feels that way, then why is she bothering being in that relationship to begin with? Why should he be providing that he is providing to make *her* happy? I'm not talking about unreasonable micromanagement of a girl's body, but fat is fat is fat and refusing to acknowledge it is disrespect. 35 lbs is overweight. This is the weight gain associated with a pregnancy for crying out loud. Nobody will dump a girl for a few pounds of curves. The essential point is that she does actually care and take pride in her body. I'm tired of the shaming of guys who openly admit they don't like fat chicks. Newsflash: this is MOST guys. It's one thing to dislike a girl who's obese. But when your definition of "slim", "thin" or "normal" is Megan Fox, you have a warped sense of reality. By Megan Fox's standards, a girl like Laetitia Cox is fat at a size 6!
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm tired of the shaming of guys who openly admit they don't like fat chicks. Newsflash: this is MOST guys. It's not so much a shaming (well, sometimes it is, when they're being unrealistic ), as a "this is not your best approach if you actually want to fix things". Basic motivation technique works on using the positives - praise, encouragement, etc... Carrot, rather than stick. And the stick, in this case, is knowing that your bf finds you unattractive as you are... It's one of these things where you wonder why women & men were created the way that they are, and expected to get in relationships with each other. I understand that visual-attraction is important to guys, but being-adored (for want of a better phrase) is important to women. It's just not motivating to have your flaws pointed out... Personally, I am more likely to continue to improve my appearance when I am made to feel attractive as I am. And I don't think I'm unusual in that amongst females. A possibly more helpful comparison for guys is about work - would you feel more motivated to provide extra for your woman if she praised what you were already doing, and showed that she believed in you as you currently are... Compare that to how motivated you'd feel to increase your earning potential if she constantly let you know (even just by body language, and 'subtle' comments) that she thought you were currently quite worthless...
Isolde Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Personally, I am more likely to continue to improve my appearance when I am made to feel attractive as I am. And I don't think I'm unusual in that amongst females. I think this is important, and the OP should try to focus as much on the positive as possible, while still being clear that this is a rea concern for him.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Straight up cubbies, yes, it is shallow. If you honestly loved her as a person, this wouldn't be an issue. So, let's pretend that she loses the weight but then, the two of you settle down, get married and she gets pregnant. Will her bloated body turn you off? What happens if she has to go on some form of meds and gains weight? Your g/f sounds depressed. Her home environment or at minimum, relationship with her mother, is messing with her emotional well-being, which is messing with her physical appearance. Instead of getting on her case about her weight, is there no way that you can try to help her work through her family issues? I'm also guessing that since she's graduated, she has nothing to distract her from her family life. This doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for her actions. But it does mean that some compassion, empathy and real love, might make a difference. If this relationship doesn't work, next time, pick someone who not only lives the lifestyle while single, but believes in the healthy lifestyle, at core, or is so wrapped up in shallowness, that she'll stay thin just to avoid being labelled as fat.
Sam Spade Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It's not so much a shaming (well, sometimes it is, when they're being unrealistic ), as a "this is not your best approach if you actually want to fix things". Basic motivation technique works on using the positives - praise, encouragement, etc... Carrot, rather than stick. And the stick, in this case, is knowing that your bf finds you unattractive as you are... It's one of these things where you wonder why women & men were created the way that they are, and expected to get in relationships with each other. I understand that visual-attraction is important to guys, but being-adored (for want of a better phrase) is important to women. It's just not motivating to have your flaws pointed out... Personally, I am more likely to continue to improve my appearance when I am made to feel attractive as I am. And I don't think I'm unusual in that amongst females. A possibly more helpful comparison for guys is about work - would you feel more motivated to provide extra for your woman if she praised what you were already doing, and showed that she believed in you as you currently are... Compare that to how motivated you'd feel to increase your earning potential if she constantly let you know (even just by body language, and 'subtle' comments) that she thought you were currently quite worthless... Exactly - that's why one would think that if women know that they would proactively take care of their bodies so we don't have to have this conversation to begin with . Just as women will get offended if guy issues them ultimatum over their weight, guys get offended by the actual fact of gaining weight because they interpret it as disrespect. As in "If she doesn't care about keeping up in shape, wtf am I supposed to be a good boyfriend?" It is not all about the looks, just that non-chalant attitude about the looks is not much different of other forms of neglect. As for what's reasonable - well, my gf already has a couple extra pounds, and I don't really care if she's no megan fox, actually i think it's cute since I'm not into the too bony look anyway. But if she starts piling them on with no sign of slowing down, I'll confront her. So nobody is expecting women to have model bodies. We're talking about being reasonable and taking reasonable care of themselves. Same the other way around - if I'm making reasonable money, not a high roller, but not low income either, I'd kick her to the curb if she starts nagging why I don't make even more money regardless. But if I neglect my job and my earnings sharply drop i'd understand if she gets concerned and *will* do anything I can to fix this. So, there you have it, It's only fair. Mutual respect and accountability. Everybody has ups and downs, but it's their responsibility to seek a way out. the partner's role is to be there and prodive support (but certainly not to be expected to just suck it up and deal with it because "that's the way it's gona be from now on"...)
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Exactly - that's why one would think that if women know that they would proactively take care of their bodies so we don't have to have this conversation to begin with . Just as women will get offended if guy issues them ultimatum over their weight, guys get offended by the actual fact of gaining weight because they interpret it as disrespect. As in "If she doesn't care about keeping up in shape, wtf am I supposed to be a good boyfriend?" It is not all about the looks, just that non-chalant attitude about the looks is not much different of other forms of neglect. See, this sounded to me like you are only with your gf for arm candy... didn't imply there's much you get out of the R besides physical lust or "showing off" for your friends.
JohnP82 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Why do people try to make excuses for people letting themselves go in a relationship and try to guilt the other person for losing attraction? When he started dating her she was fit and lived a lifestyle that aided in that. Now, 4 years later, she doesn't do the same things and had packed on the pounds. Yeah, I guess you're being a little shallow. However you're getting too much flack for it. Someone mentioned what happens if she gets pregnant which is completely ridiculous. There is a difference between gaining weight while pregnant and just letting yourself go.
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 The big issue for women, I suppose, is that when men complain that they dont keep the same figure they had at 18 or 21, it comes across that NOTHING in the R is more important than the woman's physical appearance. They're so focused on weight, a guy is willing to throw away an entire R over it. Does nothing in the R carry more weight than her weight? Pun unintended.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Ah yes, the zero tolerance of youth, the shallow and the callow. Relationships have ups and downs and people have ups and downs. You cannot control your partner. They're not an extension of you. Either love them as individuals or walk, if you have no compassion.
Thaddeus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 So, by extension, if it were the guy to all of a sudden put on 35 extra pounds, stop shaving and showering and basically lose any motivation to better himself, and she left him because of it, she's shallow too, right? Or is this yet-another double-standard?
JohnP82 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It sounds like a very poor attitude to have. Girl: "Yeah, I'm getting fat, not exercising, not eating right so what?" Guy: "I'm not sure if I'm attracted to you anymore" Girl: "Well you're just a shallow jerk!"
silic0ntoad Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 So, by extension, if it were the guy to all of a sudden put on 35 extra pounds, stop shaving and showering and basically lose any motivation to better himself, and she left him because of it, she's shallow too, right? Or is this yet-another double-standard? It's a complete double standard, Thad. I have two friends, both female, both overweight. They constantly gripe on me because I don't date bigger girls, and they call me shallow. I mean, honestly, I just want someone who matches me physically AND emotionally. You have to meet both standards, no exception. Not to mention, honestly, if you're too big, I am not attracted. It just isn't there at all.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 An inaccurate analogy, Thaddeus. She's still working and to the best of my knowledge, since it's not referenced, still believes in personal hygience. That she's no longer ambitious about maintaining her previous exercise program, thus weight, due to (as mentioned by the opening poster) her relationship with her mother and being exhausted, sounds more like depression. As long as you're okay that women leave men when they hit a low point in their lives which is solely reflected through weight gain, then you're not being hypocritical.
Thaddeus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I just want someone who matches me physically AND emotionally. You have to meet both standards, no exception.Well, according to some here, having standards makes you shallow. And this coming from certain posters who insist they "won't settle." Go figure...
silic0ntoad Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Ah yes, the zero tolerance of youth, the shallow and the callow. Relationships have ups and downs and people have ups and downs. You cannot control your partner. They're not an extension of you. Either love them as individuals or walk, if you have no compassion. As for this statement, I have no mercy for the merciless or meek. If you gain weight, and b*tch about it, but don't change it, or do something about it, you're not worth my time. You're insecure, childish, and foolish. And if you don't want to better yourself til after you and I split, then I am better off without you. I think this type of stereotype exists because guys walk on eggshells.
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