An odd tale of my marriage, read this!

[MATTHSEW]

Ok, here's my story.

I have been divorced twice before,my first wife was a rebound relationship and I was young,we wound up having 2 kids,that was in 1988.We bought a house together,I worked nights,but something wasn't right.I was still missing my ex who had treated me very badly and left me for an older guy (twice her age) and I so loved this girl,I never really got over it.So, my first wife,we split after 5 years,she had bumped into her ex,who she was seeing before me,he was married,wouldn't leave his wife,told my wife he wasn't sleeping with his wife anymore,so she stopped the relationship after she discovered his wife was pergnant.I went through a lot of heartache over my 2 girls,who were 2 and 4 years old at the time,after she went back to him.

 

My brother saw her out walking with her new guy one day,and told me the new guy looked so much like me! Seems I was substitute for him.....

 

Some years later, my second wife came along,she was a senior management worker in a large public organisation. She quickly climbed higher in her career,mine stayed put, we drifted apart.No kids, we didn't gel anymore,so that was that.I didn't feel too bad by this,as I had stopped loving her by this time.

 

At work, I'm now aged 46,I meet a girl there who's 31,and stunningly attractive.We get on,have good conversations,we regularly meet up for chats during our breaks.She told me she was married,never indicated there was a problem in her marriage at all,I thought we were just friends.

One day,a few months later,she announces out of the blue she has left her husband!

She says,'don't worry,I have not left him for you' I still didn't realise she liked me in a romantic sense anyway.

After a while,she makes her feelings known,by kissing me in an elevator at work.

I reciprocate,then we begin dating of sorts.

By this time,she has another home,she asks me to stay the night,which I did. I found the whole experience rather odd,and wasn't ready to start a relationship with her,so I dump and run.

I bumped into a former ex girlfriend who had abandoned me for someone else,we started dating again,and she was having accomodation problems with herself and 13 year old daughter.So I let them move in,we madeover my house,looked great.Then she starts going to clubs every Friday,which I found unsettling since we had only been together a short while.

 

We split,after having a party,there was a water leak, I was panicking,and she was looking for the stopcock under my kitchen sink,I said to her to hurry, she looked at me and said f*****f!

I asked her to leave,as she had other anger issues I had been ignoring,and that was the last straw...

 

Right,the girl I dumped was still hanging around me, we started chatting again at work,she told me she was dating 2 guys since I went,and was trying to get my attention.She said do I want to be with her,or should she choose one of these other guys?

Well, we ended up getting together,so she moved into my house after a few months with her 2 children aged 8 and 10.

Everything was grand until a long split with ex decided to text me,she saw the text and went ballistic,I said I wasn't interested in her,and she kept on and on,so I removed the sim card and broke it.

I hoped that would be that.Time went on,and we were in love,her mother didn't approve of me because of the age gap. This was a problem for me,as the MIL was trying to cause problems, eventually she realised her daughter was serious about me,and we married.

Her ex husband was (understandably) still showing his anger to her and regularly called her names etc.

This calmed down after a few months or so,and she and he used to talk about the kids (his and her kids) on the phone. He still clearly still loved her,and when my wife got pregnant,he asked her to go back to him,and he'd bring my baby up as his own!

This upset me a lot,and I asked her to back off from talking to him,as he wasn't dealing with it,and over her,and that she is torturing him by talking to him so often.

She said he'll get used to it,they were just taliking about the kids. Meanwhile,he had met another woman and she was living with him.

He still called most evenings to speak to the kids,which I have no problem with,but then he'd ask the kids to put mum on the phone,and she'd chat about allsorts for another 15-20 mins or so.

Also,he was still friendly with the MIL and regularly used to visit her,and she still liked him,despite the fact she knew my wife had left him,as he had had sexual encounters with at least 3 of her 'friends' over the years.

I said to my wife that speaking to him so much was unhealthy,not for me,as it shows no respect for me and his new woman,who must have felt uncomfortable by this.

No difference,she maintained that she wanted to stay friends for the kid's sakes...I felt more uncomfortable by this,and felt myself backing off from my wife,and I found it harder to get too close to my wife,and our sex life nosedived.

I told her the reason why I felt this way, because of the MIL and ex husband, but she said don't be silly,I love you so so much,you don't have to worry, but when aspects of our marriage are being discussed, like our sex life etc. with BOTH of them,this freaked me out even more.Then she started telling them I don't love her because we don't make love too often, but I was screaming inside.I loved her so very much,I couldn't reconcile myself with the background goings on.My wife was getting friendlier with my disabled father.My relationship with him has never been good because of his rudeness and temper.My mum left him years before,and his bitterness flowed over.He would keep running her down when I went to visit him,so my visits became less frequent.

My wife built a close relationship with him,she was always going to to get him things he wanted,she was discussing our personal life with him,and he would say 'get rid of him' etc.These things she told me about,and this further added to my relationship anxiety.We had another child in April 09,a son,at last! Her mother was trying to get her to terminate the pregnancy prior to this,as she did try as well when she was pregnant with my daughter.

My wife wanted attention constantly,always asking for cuddles etc. but I has some kind of weird barrier,I felt I could not trust her fully, not in the sense she would cheat, but because she discussed our marriage with these 3 people,and was making me feel very low and withdrawn.

I'm usually a fun person to be around,always giving great one liners and am generally very quick witted,but this was all eating at me.

My wife regularly gave great displays to prove and show how much she loved me.We never went out in the evenings without each other at all. Then she started to become possessive and jealous. She started to accuse me of having affairs,visiting internet dating sites,(none of this true,I am a very loyal person) wanted to speak to me when I was at work on night shifts. I think to check I was there, something she denied.

I was doing none of these things.After my son was born in April,I started to crack up,I went to see my doctor as I was becoming very depressed by all the things that had been happening.He signed me off sick from work.

When my daughter was born, I showed her a lot off affection and attention.My wife was becoming jealous of her too.

 

In June,my father became ill,and was diagnosed with an oesophageal tumour.He couldn't keep anything down, my wife and I elected to stay with him and care for him until he died,in his own home.Things turned bad after that.She was crying over him,kept saying she missed him,and her behaviour grew more distant towards me.

I was upset by his death too,even though we had problems,i still loved my dad and missed him too.

Throughout our marriage we argued, my wife left me 5 times proir and came back the next day,it's awful as I knew I loved her, but increasingly became less able to prove it to her,but her constantly going and coming back added to my troubles.

We never had too much money, but could have managed,except she spent too much money on her coke addiction-the drink that is, diet coke,4 liters a day,and she smoked heavily,at least 40 a day,in the UK that is very expensive.She has OCD's, I have tried to help her with those,and I recently discovered she is bulemic too,always using aperients like senna and lactulose.She has also abused Prozac too, saying a side effect is weight loss...

She has uncontrolled asthma (called 'brittle' asthma) She over uses her ventolin inhalers and refuses to use the steroid inhalers as she believes the steroid content will 'make (her) fat'

She has been in the ER twice with near respiratory failure-I work as an RN in the local hospital,and on one of her admissions I was on duty there and even gave her hyrocortisone IV.

I asked the doctor I worked with to explain to her the danger she was in,he said he would do so,he went to her beside after the acute stage was dealt with,and spelt it out to her,if she keeps smoking,and fails to use her steroid inhaler daily,there is a good chance she will not survive the next attack.

She looked up,pointed to me standing at the end of her bed and said " he told you to say that,didn't he?"

The doctor looked exasperated,and left me also feeling the same...

 

Anyway,she got worse,her moods got worse,the accusations of me having affairs got worse,my mental health was suffering,and we argued even more,very heated arguments too.

This culminated in us splitting a monthg ago nearly.My house has been repossessed by the mortgage company,I'm fighting to get it reversed using a company to fight it so I can resume payments and stay here.

 

My mother went to collect my kids one Sunday, my mum heard he say to MIL, "but I still love him" (me)

By the following Tuesday,she asked to meet me alone.We met up in my dad's empty home which he had left to her.

Inside,she said "I have something to tell you" Then she said "I'm seeing someone else"

I can tell you I was shocked by this, but I just replied, "OK" not wishing to show my hurt. She then added " you scare me,I'm taking an injunction out on you" I said don't be silly,all we did was argue,there was never anything physical,so I dismissed it.I said, ''If that's the case,why are you meeting me here alone?" A week passes,I have no contact with her,and a court injunction arrives with so much bull,it's unbelievable! So many lies and accusations,but no evidence,I don't assault anyone,let alone women,I'm telling you the god's honest truth.There are instances on the Affadavit where my mother was present,she saw herself there was nothing physical,in fact,all she saw was my wife screaming and berating me.

She left,and that is where I am now.

Since that time,she has been on Facebook, got friends of mine to attend a BBQ she had (duped them by telling them as they were my boy's godparents,we are having a party and you MUST come (manipulated with guilt)

They went along,saw the new boyfriend was there-who happens to be a friend of her ex husband(!) And they realised they were being used to 'get at me' when they saw their pictures on FB.

Every time my mother meets her to collect the kids she'll say " he treats me so well,he buys me things,he is very kind and loving,he's bought me a car, he's moved in with me" etc etc."I've had a coil fitted" and so on...Just the other day,she told my mum and brother she wants to change my kids names to her boyfriend's, after actually officially being with the guy for 3 weeks!

My mum once even saw her and the BF drive past my house...what's going on,they live 10 miles away and have no reason to be this way.

My brother still speaks to my wife,and told her I still love her,and her eyes whelled up with tears, and she quickly changed the subject,then proceeded to say there is no future for us in a very resolute manner.

I was trying to get marriage counselling at one time, but now she refuses.

 

I have a feeling she's using this guy to make me jealous at every opportunity she can get,but am not sure why....anyone have any ideas please what I should do? I am keeping away from her,not calling etc. and have no intention due to the terms of the crazy injunction.

I wouldn't contact her anyway,even without it,as I know it would make me feel miserable and just want to keep away whilst she deals with her madness.

She's now trying to prevent me from seeing my kids.I can't afford legal assistance as I am working.

 

I really am lost by all this,I think she still deep down loves me, but at the moment seems hell bent on destroying me,because she convinced herself I do not love her,which isn't true,I adored the girl,but events conspired to make me withdraw.

The other weird thing is that her 'friends' (the ones her ex husband apparently slept with) are behind her,and exacerbating the situation.

I'm so confused and hurting very badly,I just do not know what to do.I hadn't seen her for a month when we went to court re the 'injunction' (that has hurt me so much she could do such a vindictive thing)

I saw her, she doesn't look well, she puts up a good front to appear happy,but she is so skinny now it's scary...

 

Any idea what's going on in her mind please? It always felt like she was obsessed with me,worryingly so at one point, but now she has gone like this..

HELP!!!

Is she having some kind of breakdown?

[RedDevil66]

Wow, is all I have to say!

With all due respect, it sounds like you all need some serious therapy.

You're 46, don't you want to be healthy and have healthy relationships?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude have you had any normal relationships...

 

Dude you need to leave these women alone. They have some serious issues as do yourself. Go get mental therapy and learn to just be alone. create a better you. One woman left you for her ex, another has left you 4 times and came back.

 

Dude these problems doesnt stem from you alone but the quality of women you choose.

 

I think you can find someone worthwhile out there but in this age you need to be wise about things. Get your mind right and just do it right.

[DustySaltus]

The focus should be on yourself and your children right now, not anyone else.

 

The biggest red flag I see here is when she told you: "I'm dating to other guys right now, do you want to be with me"? What kind of statement is that?

 

I can't even begin to tell you how many problems I see here. All I can say is that I agree with everyone here that there are deeper issues withing yourself that you need to figure out first. Whether she stays or goes or someone else comes into the picture, the focus shouldn't be on them

[DustySaltus]

The focus should be on yourself and your children right now, not anyone else.

 

The biggest red flag I see here is when she told you: "I'm dating two other guys right now, do you want to be with me"? What kind of statement is that?

 

I can't even begin to tell you how many problems I see here. All I can say is that I agree with everyone here that there are deeper issues withing yourself that you need to figure out first. Whether she stays or goes or someone else comes into the picture, the focus shouldn't be on them only on

[MATTHSEW]

I appreciate your comments, and you are right I think I need some therapy too!

 

I am concentrating on my kids, but now (I haven't spoken to her) she tells my brother that I can't see my kids anymore,and will need a court order.

I can't get legalaid for 2 weeks due to my financial status,so have to sit this torture out.

 

I just feel so crappy,I can't talk to my friends too much,as I fear they will get bored by it all,so am pretty much alone with this,and it's utter hell.

 

Why does life have to be this way,it's so uneccessary!

 

I don't now know if I can again trust anyone at all..

[Notsogood]

Wow, I thought my situation was bad but stories like this really put things in perspective for me. I really feel for you, I really do, and don't know what to say but good luck. Wish all the best for you and your kids.

[MATTHSEW]

Too right it is,on top of all this my house is being repo'd due to her uncontrolled spending, can it get any worse I ask myself?........Not really,exceptI'm still living and breathing,and my ZZR1100 (ZX11) bike is roadworthy again..

Ah well, I'm trying to be positive,but is so darned hard.Missing my kids like god knows what.

[RedDevil66]

Why does life have to be this way,it's so uneccessary!

 

I don't now know if I can again trust anyone at all..

 

You need to accept the responsbility that you chose this life so life does NOT have to be this way.

Chose healthier women and chose to get healthy yourself and there won't be any more of this uneccesary problems.

 

Start to trust YOU, then trust for others will come.

 

Life is what we make it.........

 

good luck