rod_in_gtown Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've been dating for a while, with good results overall but I hadn't been able to find someone I could date exclusively. Until now. For some grace of fortune I ended up setting up two first dates within 2 days of each other thinking "I'm bound to like one of them and hopefully one of them will like me". Wrong, I LOVED both of them and both of them loved me. The pickle was this, on the one hand, the environmentally friendly sex goddess with the body of a 10. great ( and I do mean GREAT) sense of humor that has on occasion left me nauseous from laughing so hard. on the other hand, the other woman is the brilliant doctor, the blue unicorn that every guy wants to date, very feminine, but at the same time owns and rides her own bike, loves video games and sci-fi. In many ways I would be so bold as to call her my soulmate. And both these women are crazy about me. I've made my decision and I'm going the distance with my soulmate, haven't had sex with her yet but we're already "steady" and I'm hoping we'll get along in bed as well as everywhere else. It's killing me telling the sex goddess (can anyone say 45-min bj?) that I'm going to be exclusive with someone else but I can't in good conscience do anything else. So, grrrr and YAY! Kind of wish bigamy was socially accepted.
audrey_1 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Oh my goodness. Does sound like a nice problem to have! But what if the sex isn't good with your "soul mate"? Sorry to play devil's advocate, but if it isn't that great, will you settle for bike riding and SyFy? Just askin' Also, I'm curious as to why you think she's your soul mate. Is it her being a successful doctor that every guy wants to date? Are you choosing her mainly because of this, or because you truly think she's a good match?
Author rod_in_gtown Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Oh my goodness. Does sound like a nice problem to have! But what if the sex isn't good with your "soul mate"? Sorry to play devil's advocate, but if it isn't that great, will you settle for bike riding and SyFy? Just askin' Also, I'm curious as to why you think she's your soul mate. Is it her being a successful doctor that every guy wants to date? Are you choosing her mainly because of this, or because you truly think she's a good match? I don't know, I'm hoping the sex will be great, if not then I'll have to reassess that when I get there. Hopefully it won't be more than this weekend. My birthday is on Friday so maybe I'll get lucky then? Well, I glossed over her many qualities and the reasons I think she's my soul mate, obviously it's not only riding bikes and sci-fi, those were only things I figured other readers could relate to. I'm more in tune with our points of view, with the way we discuss things, how we agree to disagree, how we sing goofy songs in harmony, how we are socially inadequate when we're with each other - e.g. huge dorks - , how we share silence, how we talk about our emotions and fears without judging each other, how we seem to balance each other's strengths and weaknesses... I could go on and on. The same goes with Sex Goddess, she's more than a sexual being, she's a great friend to her friends, great sense of humor, very very intelligent, in tune with her behavioral patterns, insightful, caring, nurturing, etc. I could go on and on about her as well. Deciding between the two has not been easy and there has been a lot of soul searching and following of the gut-feeling. The good thing is that I feel that whomever I chose (and I have chosen) would be a good decision either way.
audrey_1 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well then, good luck! I hope things work out for you in the sack, too!
torranceshipman Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Just my 2 cents but I think you made the right decision! Because the 1st girl - sounds like she's lovely for lots of reasons but you two work best because of one key ingrdient - the amazing sex...whereas with the girl no 2 (the doctor), I think the sex will be amazing BECAUSE of the connection that you started out with. Nice! Does that make sense?
Els Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Uhh, when he said 'sex goddess' I think he means her looks and body? Not that he's tried having sex with her and liked it? Hopefully OP can clarify.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 To clarify, I have had sex with "sex goddess", have not with the soulmate. Have not had sex with either since becoming exclusive with the soulmate.
compre11111 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Just going with the little information I have, I think you're making the right decision. I know it's tough for guys to pass on a sex goddess, but it sounds like "soulmate" has that intangible quality that really makes for a lasting relationship. And you don't have to worry about the sex not being great.......if two people are THAT close, then the sex will get better and better over time. Even if the sex isn't extraordinary, it sounds like you have more with her than just sex, and that's special. I would rather have average sex and a soulmate-like emotional connection than amazing sex with a superficial emotional connection. You have a great problem, that's for sure. But it sounds like you're making the right choice. Best of luck!
Author rod_in_gtown Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 So, I just had a "date" with the sex goddess (we had made a date before I had made up my mind so I kept it). We had a great time and even though I was VERY tempted, I told her my decision, how I needed to be honest with her and that she should know what was going on. She told me to give her a call in a couple of weeks, I would like to remain in touch with her, since she is genuinely a nice girl but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. Huh, who knew? I must be growing.
Star Gazer Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 So you cheated on your soulmate already?
audrey_1 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 So, I just had a "date" with the sex goddess (we had made a date before I had made up my mind so I kept it). We had a great time and even though I was VERY tempted, I told her my decision, how I needed to be honest with her and that she should know what was going on. She told me to give her a call in a couple of weeks, I would like to remain in touch with her, since she is genuinely a nice girl but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. Huh, who knew? I must be growing. So then, if it's not going to happen with sex goddess, are you going to keep her around as backup material? Sexually? I'm wondering if this is an anticipation thing. Since you haven't been sexual with Dr. Soulmate yet, perhaps after that, your perspective may change on all counts. I'd love to hear your thoughts (if) and then.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 So you cheated on your soulmate already? No So then, if it's not going to happen with sex goddess, are you going to keep her around as backup material? Sexually? I'm wondering if this is an anticipation thing. Since you haven't been sexual with Dr. Soulmate yet, perhaps after that, your perspective may change on all counts. I'd love to hear your thoughts (if) and then. No, that's what I mean by "I don't think it's going to happen". I'm going all in with soulmate. But being realistic and human, I can't predict what's going to happen with soulmate, it may fizzle out, and if it does I didn't want to damage the relationship with sex goddess by being sneaky and sleeping with her without being open with her. IF things don't work out, I may try to reach out to sex goddess (not to say that she'll be available then) but I'll cross each bridge as I approach them. I needed to go on the date with sex goddess so that I could explain face to face what was going on and level her expectations. Anything other than that would've been disrespectful. My problem was initially that these were two women that I would've dated long term, that's why it was so difficult to chose. So I must treat each with respect and fairness. I'm not dwelling on the "what if". I'm focusing now on "us" and see what happens.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Just an update, haven't talked to the sex goddess since that "date" and I'm now in an exclusive relationship with soul mate and I'm really happy. The sex still hasn't happened but we've fooled around a little and what we've done has been hot. She's definitely moving at a different speed than I am. We've talked about sex but I'm basically her second so she wants to move slowly. A little frustrating but I just have to suck it up and be patient. I hope this doesn't turn into an issue, the lack of libido of my last girlfriend became a problem in my last relationship.
pandagirl Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Sounds like you handled the situation well! I hope things work out with Dr. Lady! Question: how long did you date both of them until you can to your decision?
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I'm curious why you had sex with the sex goddess while you were dating both and unsure of which you'd choose? It sounds like you knew all along but just wanted to do the sex goddess a few times before you made your decision? 1
Author rod_in_gtown Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Not long really. I had my first date with both on the same week and I told sex goddess about the good Dr about 1.5-2 weeks later. In that period I had about 6-7 dates with the doc, and 3 dates with the goddess.
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Not long really. I had my first date with both on the same week and I told sex goddess about the good Dr about 1.5-2 weeks later. In that period I had about 6-7 dates with the doc, and 3 dates with the goddess. So, within 10 days and 3 dates you had already had sex with the sex goddess but are still holding out with the doc. It doesn't seem to me like you were really interested in the sex goddess from the beginning for anything but the sex?
Author rod_in_gtown Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 My mind doesn't work that way, if the date ends in sex, then it does, I don't "hold out". I don't have issues/hang-ups with sex. The dates were what they were because of logistics. Dr was more available than goddess. You're reading too much into my response.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Things are going great still no sex but we've definitely connected in a deeper level. I believe I made the right choice and have a very good feeling this thing will go the distance. Is it too early to say I love her? I've definitely catch myself about to blurt it out. But I don't want to trivialize it. I do care deeply for her at this point so it wouldn't be a lie. But I do want it to be special and want her to know it really comes from deep inside. I can't wait to see here again on Monday.
BlueHarvest Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 My mind doesn't work that way, if the date ends in sex, then it does, I don't "hold out". I don't have issues/hang-ups with sex. The dates were what they were because of logistics. Dr was more available than goddess. You're reading too much into my response. This has been a trend lately.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Sigh... still no sex. It's getting to be pretty frustrating at this point. She's in my bed right now, annoyed that she can't sleep, doesn't want to be touched and I'm getting pissed. On top of that, she changed our halloween plans last minute and that caused a whole chain of events with my other friends who also had plans. Everything else seems to be fine, we have great conversations, we have a lot of fun together, we're very affectionate with each other in a non-sexual way, she talks about me to her friends and family, and today, she brought me over to her sister's place and took me over to a group at the neighborhood block party because she "wanted to show everyone how hot her boyfriend is". So that makes me think she's attracted to me, however, her lack of passion towards me and lack of sex tells me there's a problem. I find her physically beautiful but I try to let her set the pace with our physical intimacy because she told me she had been abused in a past relationship. Am I being too passive? Is she just not that into me? and if she is not, then why tell me she is?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Rod, I would definitely be concerned at the sex issue. If low libido is something you are familiar with and know you can't deal with it, then it's time to do SOMETHING. I find it alarming that she doesn't even want you to touch her. Did she give a reason? Did she snap at you when you tried, or something? I think it's time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. She needs to explain why she won't even let you TOUCH her in a non-sexual way (which is what I'm assuming you meant). There are deeper issues at play, here. I know you mentioned abuse, but, gees. She can continue to hold people at arm's length because of somebody else's mistake, or take a risk and let someone in. It's not really fair to you.
Author rod_in_gtown Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 No, she didn't snap at me, she told me she wasn't sleeping and that it was annoying her because she was tired, and then I was just caressing her in a non-sexual way and she just said "hunny, no". She didn't snap but it was frustrating. We've talked about it, she says she likes sex but is deathly afraid of getting pregnant. I told her I have condoms but she says she wants to be on the pill as well because "condoms break". I am not insensitive to her concerns and that's why I don't pressure her, I'm making sure she gets a doctor soon and starts some birth control this week. We've also talked about things like oral sex, I have gone down on her once before, that's as close to sex as we've ever gotten and she said she doesn't like it. She says she gets a lot of pleasure from it but thinks it's messy and gross. I just think she needs to get used to the idea that I like giving her pleasure and that I don't think there's anything gross or dirty about her body. I also think it's just going to take time and patience on my end.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OP, I say this as a gentle guy, either take her or let her go. You're not kids, not by any stretch. You're a mature and thoughtful man. Your needs and desires are reasonable. Don't let her beauty and/or your attraction bend your will. Women can find a thousand reasonable explanations to support their position, none of which respect or confer empathy or understanding of yours. Take a hard look at this and you'll see I'm right. Good luck!
dreamergrl Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OP - This is the first time I've read this thread, even though it was started a while ago, so please don't mind me as I touch on a few earlier parts.. I found it a bit odd that you kept another date after you became exclusive with doc. You could have just rang up sex goddess and told her. Also, did doc know you where having one final 'date' after you became exclusive? Because to me, being exclusive means being honest about those things. Doc does not seem to want sex with you. I would think if she did, especially as a doctor, she'd be on birth control by now. Plus, for the oral sex, if she found it pleasurable, I don't think she'd deem it gross and messy. It sounds like a contradiction to me. I think you considered her your soul mate too soon. I think a soul mate would be on the same level as you when it comes to sex. You can't just expect her to get used to something. Either she wants it or doesn't.
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