wifey-wolfe Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 My husband is starting to drive me crazy.. I'm 22 years old and have been married since last may (about 16 months) - My husband is a wonderful provider and takes care of us almost completely, i work part time as a nanny and he works full time at his autobody shop - sweating his ass off and working his fingers to the bone. I work 5 hours days, he works 10 hour days- HOWEVER! I fulfill ALL wifely duties - cooking, cleaning, bills, you name it i do it for him with a good attitude and keep my b*tching very minimal. I'm an extremely fun and outgoing person and when we first met 3 years ago, he admired this quality about me, always saying how my happiness and fun attitude made him a happy person and was the part of his life that he felt was lacking for his previous 5 years.. but ever since we tied the knot over a year ago, he doesn't want me doing anything without him. I'm lucky if i get to go out with my girlfriends for my BIRTHDAY without him.. and even then, hes sulking and making me feel crappy the whole time i'm gone. When i first met him, he was always going out and wasting his money partying with really bad company and i helped him grow out of that.. also, when we met i was with someone else for 3 years and ended up leaving that relationship to pursue this one (Which is where part of the insecurity comes from, im sure) Now, he doesn't do ANYTHING. he doesnt have reliable friends so he just wants to stay home with me EVERY chance he gets. i'm dying. i need my space.. why is he sooooo obsessed with me.. Why doesn't he trust me? I've been so loyal to him.. and i always think to myself how proud i am that i've been faithful to him and really dedicated myself to making him happy.. that's a huge thing for me and i wish that would be recognized more instead of being trapped because of his insecurities. I just want him to go out once in a while and let me go out too. I want to be trusted and respected for gods sake im only 22, he wants me home by 10 if i go places and if im late he's usually already asleep but will wake up to ask me 9304832 questions about where i;ve been. I don't do anything but go to a girlfriends house, make dinner and watch movies.. I miss my freedom.. Any advice? I don't want this to become a permanent thing because there HAS to be a balance in your life if you want your marriage to last and everytime i try to tell him that he just thinks im nagging and giving excuses for why i would want to go places without him. Girls need girl time, it's NO joke. I just want a happy life.. equal and free.. i want to be married to him forever.. i really do. i just can't be sacrificing my own happiness just because he hasnt been able to find any good friends.. i mean, his best friend lives with us and they're always together, why is it such a big deal if i go out one night a week and have fun with my friends.. this weekend i promised my girlfriend i would come support her fashion show which happens to be in a club. She invited us both in person, but my husband doesnt have his california ID as he went to the dmv yesterday and itll takea week or two to get to him so he said he couldn't go. I told her i would definitely support her. We're now fighting and he's SOOOOOOO bitter. he says "why do you just THINK you can go places". WTF does this mean.. ? I'm not 14.. I moved out of my parents house 2 years ago but i feel like im still under someones control In every relationship prior to this, i was in control. I was dominant, decisive, and always in charge. Now.. i'm just.. always explaining to people why i can't go places with them without my husband Someone please give me some advice.. i just can't figure it out..
Ariadne Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Sounds like you are rebelling from your husband as if he were your father. He is all responsible and works long hours, and you must be bored, doing a nanny job is similar to being a teenager. The best thing your husband could do is to let you go all you want, otherwise you'll make a point out of it. Hopefully you'll get to have plenty of girl time so that you can relax.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 If you need so much freedom, why did you get married? Did you think it would be like dating? It's not, but you appear to want to approach it that way. Time to put on your Big Girl pants and be grown-up about it--decide what is more important to you: your commitment to love and honor your H, or your desire to yuck it up at a club with your girlfriend.
VegMidori Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He is all responsible and works long hours, and you must be bored, doing a nanny job is similar to being a teenager. Whoah. This is really offensive. There are many jobs that teenagers also do, but this doesn't make them inappropriate for adults. I am a nanny, and I, as well as all the other nannies in the neighborhood, am an adult. We make a median income, enjoy our jobs, and have serious responsibilities. Knowing the best way to respond to, and guide, a child in every situation is at least as challenging as repairing a car, if not more so. It might be better for Wifey Wolf to take a second job, bumping her hours up to at least 35 or 40, but presuming it were working out financially, and the husband didn't mind, I don't think there is one thing wrong with one partner working fewer hours and doing more chores at home. Nannies are always in demand, and WW could get a second job within a few days if she wanted one. Since her husband does not appreciate the work she does at home, I recommend seeking this second job, but in the end, it's up to her.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 lol, I read Veg's response and didn't remember reading in the OP that he didn't appreciate her housework, and came across this gem: i always think to myself how proud i am that i've been faithful to him Why would this make you proud? That's like saying "I'm so proud I've never been in jail" or "I'm so proud that I don't kill kittens."
VegMidori Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Okay, Wifey-Wolfe, now that I've said my piece about the job situation... I agree with you that your husband is controlling, and that he is taking on a fatherly rather than husbandly role in your life. The question, "Why do you just THINK you can go places?", is ridiculous. Of course, you can go places! On the other hand, you do seem to want to spend more time away from him than I would expect from a newlywed. Perhaps it is because neither of us, especially not me, has ever socialized in strictly gendered circles, but my husband and I nearly always invite each other to go places together. In the past year, I can think of one time when a female friend wanted to talk to me about something personal and invited me to a coffee shop, and another time when a male friend wanted to play a video game with my husband, knowing it was pointless to invite me as a non-gamer, but otherwise, we always invite each other along. If the other is too tired or doesn't want to go, we don't, but we always at least ask, and we usually make an effort to spend time with each other's friends. It's great that your friend invited both of you to the fashion show, but I'd like to see more of that. If you need more "girl time" than I do, that's fine, but it shouldn't take up more than half your social life. You guys need to try to enjoy each other. He is "obsessed with [you]" because he is your husband. That is not the problem. He is being disrespectful, and that is a problem, but please don't frame it as though he shouldn't want to spend time with you. You both need to compromise. He should do some club nights with you, and you should do some nights at home with just the two of you and a DVD. Do you think you were too young to get married, or that perhaps you married the wrong person? Do you want to stay in this marriage? Finally, do you think your husband needs counseling for depression?
VegMidori Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 lol, I read Veg's response and didn't remember reading in the OP that he didn't appreciate her housework, and came across this gem: i always think to myself how proud i am that i've been faithful to him Why would this make you proud? That's like saying "I'm so proud I've never been in jail" or "I'm so proud that I don't kill kittens." Hmmm...did I infer too much? She seemed so defensive about the work hours difference that perhaps I just assumed this was part of the conflict. I agree that fidelity is not a special point of pride.
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm an extremely fun and outgoing person and when we first met 3 years ago, he admired this quality about me, always saying how my happiness and fun attitude made him a happy person and was the part of his life that he felt was lacking for his previous 5 years.. but ever since we tied the knot over a year ago, he doesn't want me doing anything without him. Sounds like you didn't do too much preparation for marriage... He had an unconscious expectation that marriage meant "stay at home, just the 2 of us" (probably learnt from his growing-up experience), and you expected that your relationship wouldn't change significantly from when you were dating. Neither of those expectations are wrong, they're just different, and you need to be able to talk that through with each other, and reach a compromise... One way to approach this kind of thing, is not to say "I have a problem, and it's you", but rather to take the "We have a problem, how can we solve it" approach... Kick the friend out for the evening, light some candles, have a nice dinner, and talk through (in terms of shared social life) what his parents' relationship was like, what your parents' was like, and also assess the married couples you know who have a good /bad relationship in this area... Focus on just chatting about the background to your different expectations, not about "solving" things, or making a point... Just look to understand him, and have him understand you... I'm lucky if i get to go out with my girlfriends for my BIRTHDAY without him.. and even then, hes sulking and making me feel crappy the whole time i'm gone. Now, he doesn't do ANYTHING. he doesnt have reliable friends so he just wants to stay home with me EVERY chance he gets. I just want him to go out once in a while and let me go out too. i just can't be sacrificing my own happiness just because he hasnt been able to find any good friends.. i mean, his best friend lives with us and they're always together, why is it such a big deal if i go out one night a week and have fun with my friends.. I'm a little confused by the posters who imply that wanting a little time apart from your hubbie is abnormal... If you wanted to go out every night, I'd say you were being a little extreme, but it doesn't sound that way to me... Try to stop seeing this as him 'controlling' you (he is *wrong*, you are *right*), and start seeing this as a communication problem - on both sides... There are probably compromises - why is the choice between "staying in with him" or "going out with others" - why isn't "going out with him" on the list...? You might well find if you're going out with your man a coupla times a week it improves things on both sides (nothing major - he's working long hours - but e.g. a half hour walk in the evening - without your lodger - should be achievable). And while we're on the subject - why is his best friend living with you...? Do you feel like a married couple, or like a bunch of 3 students sharing a house...?
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Try to stop seeing this as him 'controlling' you (he is *wrong*, you are *right*), and start seeing this as a communication problem - on both sides... Good advice. I see a whole bunch of communication problems. Take some of the money his best friend is paying for living there (he is paying, right?) and pay for some sessions of MC, specifically focused on communication. You and he will learn a lot. I'm especially interested in the dynamic where you 'broke' him of his partying habit and now find his constant presence at home to be smothering and inhibitive of your freedom. Mesh this with your revelation of being 'in charge' of your last R and I can see your work in MC quite clearly. Remember, you can't control him, merely yourself. Good luck!
Author wifey-wolfe Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I don't know. I guess asking people who have never met either of us wasn't the best idea to get the most thorough advice.. We are both extremely romantic people.. as in, we do everything together ALL THE TIME. We wake up together for the morning routine, he goes to work, ill occasionally suprise him at work with lunch or coffee and he'll come home to a clean house and dinner waiting for him. I did NOT understand prior to marriage, that being married would mean following the rules of another person. I thought it was a communication, trust based relationship where nobody feels trapped or the need to control the other person. The reason i said that i'm proud i have been faithful to him is because so many people in this country are doing their partners dirty and here i am being just totally devoted and i'm still being treated as someone who has a tendency to do those such things. My Australian visa expired and i was asked to return to Australia for a few months to take care of my paperwork. Instead of going back, he suggested we get married so i can stay with him and he'll take care of us. So, he pretty much did me a huge favor - even though my parents paid for the whole immigration thing. Yes, we're young. but we've been together many years and the day we MET, he said i would eventually be his wife and he was right. Now, regardless of if we were too young to get married or not, HERE WE ARE. and i don't want it to end because i feel like im not getting a fair part of everything. If he wants to go places, i don't ask questions. I just want to know when he'll be home and that way, i can make some plans of my own. Does this ever happen? NO. Do other peoples husbands have hobbies, groups, classes that they go to without their wives, YES! does my husband go do things without me? NO. I just feel like he needs to be in control of something, and i'm not the kind of person that likes to be controlled. I am very free-spirited, i have alot of friends but i DONT do ANYTHING without my husband. I DONT GO OUT and have ANY social life without him. Like i said, the last time i was able to go out without him was in april for my birthday and i have been hearing his bitching about it since then. Since then, we do EVERYTHING together. my friends come here, he's there. I want a private conversation with my friend, he's there. I just need him to get his own social life going - go play pool with some friends, go to a bar and enjoy some sports, DO SOMETHING. and why is everyone acting like i shouldnt need time away from my husband? He's smothering me and everything i do is involving him. I'm not asking to go on a damn vacation without him, i just want a few HOURS!! i want to be able to go when i want, nobody should feel the need to tell me who/what/where i can go or not.. it's bull****.. I'm a loyal person, and alot of the girls i know do shady things to their men.. Everyone envys our relationship of all our friends.. and all my guy friends say im the ideal wife.. well.. if i'm so ideal, why does someone want to change me to make me a stay at home, bored, annoyed and aggravated wife?! If you love somebody, why do you smother them and make them totally crazy because they have no time to be independent. No time apart to miss each other, call each other, send cute text messages. Pretty much, anyone who thinks that man and wife HAVE to be together all the time are stupid. So many marriages end in divorce in this country because there are so many things that are out of balance. Money, Responsibilities, Love, or lack therof etc. I want balance. Simply said. One night a week, or fortnight away - to go to my FRIENDS house (NOT clubbing) won't KILL him. he will survive. he will not lose oxygen in his lungs. He needs to get a life of his own. All of his friends, are MY friends. I just need something different to talk about, think about, discuss. There has to be a way to satisfy us other. & his best friend lives with us because he is less fortunate, and my husband is a giving person. I don't mind it, and its not like college. You help those in need, and he is in need. And nannying is WAAAAAAY harder than most people think. If i had kids anytime since i was 14 i would have been able to raise it, and raise it right - knowing all the things i do now, having worked for over 25 families - I would be a wonderful mother. My moms friend just had a child at 40 years old and calls me for advice every other day. That's an accomplishment to me. Plus, i haven't been in school because my immigration paperwork hasn't gone through yet. hopefully in a month or two after it does, ill get some time away and that will help me put my life in perspective again. PLEASE don't write me with your critical comments, i just want positive ideas. I'm not here to bitch about my life, i want to improve it - I'm just confused.
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Post #10 is great fodder for MC. We have a friend who lives near Sydney who is a full-time nanny and yes, it is a ton of work. She's about your age but single and has barely enough time for a BF, since she travels all over the world with the family. You've spelled out your perspective clearly. Now, suggest to H to start charging the best friend for his room and board and suggest that you and H get some MC. Let us know what your H says to both those suggestions.
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 PLEASE don't write me with your critical comments, i just want positive ideas. I'm not here to bitch about my life, i want to improve it - I'm just confused. You seem to have missed my post - the one that carhill quoted And as I said in it, I think the other posters saying you shouldn't want to go out seem to have misunderstood what you were describing (or they have the same unconscious expectations your hubbie has, that marriage = staying-in-every-day)...
bean1 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It sounds like your husband doesn't trust you. I'm not sure if it is YOU or if it is women in general (perhaps his own partying has led him to some beliefs about women), but he may feel that GOOD married women do not do things without their husbands. So, to be blunt, does your husband think that either you or all married women - will be up to no good without husbands around to keep them in line? This sounds crazy - I know - but a lot of people feel this way and hold it against their partners who have done nothing wrong. Your friendships should not suffer because he is insecure. There is NOTHING unusual about a 22 year old female wanting to spend time with a girlfriend once a week. For those of us who were 22 at one time, you all know this. Yes, they are newlyweds, but the last thing any of us women should do is discourage a woman spending time with her female friends. God knows how hard it is to keep them around after that age. Don't let go of the good ones.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Wifey, if a lot of your girlfriends are doing their men wrong as you say, perhaps that is why your husband has a problem with you hanging out with them without him? Not saying that he's right. Just saying that I can see his point. People have a tendency to define 'normal' by what the people around them are doing. He could be fearful that you will decide that it is normal for people to cheat, and I'm sure 'staying in the country' as a reason to marry doesn't give him the warm-fuzzies, either--he could very well be wondering if he just allowed himself to be had. To address seoa for a moment--I have the expectations that to be married = God first, marriage second, children third, and THEN friends. You can strike out any of those that don't fit, but they still fall in the same order. Society is getting too self-centered. Notice I didn't put SELF on my list? Yeah, I buy into that whole two-become-one business that's so out of vogue. My husband got me to quit going out with my friends after we got married, then he started the same stuff Wifey is doing--I smacked that crap down hard, but we do have a bunch of kids together, so I see how expecting to go out together or not at all is different in a family situation vs. a couple only. Wifey, I just think you're not considering your husband's feelings very much, and you're placing your wants for yourself over his wants for the two of you, and that doesn't bode well for marriage.
bean1 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I didn't realize that in your original post, you left another long(ish) term relationship to pursue the one with him. I strongly believe that he feels you will be up to something/cheat on him if he isn't there to lay down the line. He likely has the reason, "if she did it for me, she'll do it to me". Some people feel that they have to watch someone like a hawk to keep them from straying (not that you couldn't still do it, but this is the controlling factor). You said you are faithful, I believe you. I'm not sure how you can convince him of that though? I would strongly suggest some form of marital counselling.
seoa Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 To address seoa for a moment--I have the expectations that to be married = God first, marriage second, children third, and THEN friends. You can strike out any of those that don't fit, but they still fall in the same order. Society is getting too self-centered. Notice I didn't put SELF on my list? I agree with the general concept in that priority list, and with not being selfish... BUT... I also believe in the 'fit your own oxygen mask first' philosophy - as in, you have to take care of yourself so that you are in a good position to take *good* care of others... I have seen too many people (OK, women) decide to put everyone else first, then they get burnt out, and noone wins... It is healthy to occasionally have a little "me" time - for some people, at some periods of their life, that's stealing 10 minutes to read magazines in the toilet while someone else watches the toddlers... for other people (like extravert 22 year olds, who had a good social life when they were dating their fiance) that's having a couple of hours of girl times, a little bit more than once a year... I just don't see, in this specific scenario (no kids etc) and in this context (not looking to spend loads of money, and/or party-wild with drinks & crazy hours), that there should even be a question... However - to address the OP - while I agree that the symptom of your hubbie being controlling is wrong, I still think that the underlying cause, and therefore the solution is something that you need to admit to jointly and work on (maybe via MC as Carhill suggests) to find a compromise. (See my first post.)
Angel1111 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 a. you got married too young b. it's a little weird that you to want to spend your birthday without your husband. how about a different day close to your birthday alone with your friends, and spend your actual birthday with your husband, and maybe other friends. if my husband didn't want to spend his birthday with me, i would be incredibly hurt by this. you can't expect your husband not to have the same reaction. however, if he never wants you going out with your friends, that's a problem c. i experienced this phenomenon numerous times where a guy was attracted to my bubbly and happy personality and then he'd do his best to kill my spirit. it's something i will never understand about men. my solution: leave their stupid butts. if your husband truly is controlling, then i can save you the suspense and tell you that the control will never stop.
EcstasyX6 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 "I did NOT understand prior to marriage, that being married would mean following the rules of another person. I thought it was a communication, trust based relationship where nobody feels trapped or the need to control the other person. The reason i said that i'm proud i have been faithful to him is because so many people in this country are doing their partners dirty and here i am being just totally devoted and i'm still being treated as someone who has a tendency to do those such things. I just feel like he needs to be in control of something, and i'm not the kind of person that likes to be controlled. I am very free-spirited, i have alot of friends but i DONT do ANYTHING without my husband. I DONT GO OUT and have ANY social life without him. Like i said, the last time i was able to go out without him was in april for my birthday and i have been hearing his bitching about it since then. Since then, we do EVERYTHING together. my friends come here, he's there. I want a private conversation with my friend, he's there. I just need him to get his own social life going - go play pool with some friends, go to a bar and enjoy some sports, DO SOMETHING. and why is everyone acting like i shouldnt need time away from my husband? He's smothering me and everything i do is involving him. I'm not asking to go on a damn vacation without him, i just want a few HOURS!! i want to be able to go when i want, nobody should feel the need to tell me who/what/where i can go or not.. it's bull****.. I'm a loyal person, and alot of the girls i know do shady things to their men.. Everyone envys our relationship of all our friends.. and all my guy friends say im the ideal wife.. well.. if i'm so ideal, why does someone want to change me to make me a stay at home, bored, annoyed and aggravated wife?! If you love somebody, why do you smother them and make them totally crazy because they have no time to be independent. No time apart to miss each other, call each other, send cute text messages. Pretty much, anyone who thinks that man and wife HAVE to be together all the time are stupid. So many marriages end in divorce in this country because there are so many things that are out of balance. Money, Responsibilities, Love, or lack therof etc. I want balance. Simply said. One night a week, or fortnight away - to go to my FRIENDS house (NOT clubbing) won't KILL him. he will survive. he will not lose oxygen in his lungs. He needs to get a life of his own. All of his friends, are MY friends. I just need something different to talk about, think about, discuss. There has to be a way to satisfy us other. & his best friend lives with us because he is less fortunate, and my husband is a giving person. I don't mind it, and its not like college. You help those in need, and he is in need. Wifey, I can almost see you jumping up and down to make your point. I really get it. I think you should put your foot down now early in your marriage. How about showing him this post? It's not as if you're going to a club right? If it's just your girlfriend's place once a week, then I don't see a problem. If it were a club, or somewhere with men, then I could understand him being upset. Maybe if you invite him over there once or twice, so he could see what the vibe is like, then maybe he'll be more comfortable. I was in a marriage for 17 years with a husband who had no outside interests where I was the center of his universe. I was the one who had lots of friends, joined clubs, and civic groups, but he never did anything but come home to me and the kids. It may sound romantic, but it strangled me. It's definitely more interesting when your partner has friends and interests other than you. Maybe some people can be like siamese twins in a marriage, but that definitely wasn't for me. If he doesn't let up, it could cause serious problems for your marriage later.
Author wifey-wolfe Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I didn't mean that i spent my actual birthday without him.. I celebrated 3 nights in a row and one of those nights (the night before my birthday) i went out with 3 of my girlfriends to have drinks at chilis. He still brings that up whenever i mention wanting to go out and do anything else. Yep, i got married too young. I don't need to hear that though, because i know this already. It is what it is.. I guess I just feel like he doesn't trust me and i don't know why. I asked him tonight, and now were just fighting again. & as far as Marriage counselling.. GOD.. i WISH i could convince him for that.. but we're young.. and he would NOT agree.. My mom always told me that women have to learn to be peaceful and hold all their anger and frustrations inside. It's so stressful being a female. Somehow, men have it easier. Except for the fact that they have to deal with females. ha-ha. Thanks everyone for your advice.. [HOPEFULLY] This too shall pass.. =)
westrock Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I think you are right to want to occassonally spend some time away from your husband every so often. As long as one keeps their priorities right and maintains a healthy balance then spending some time away should increase the romance when you are together. However, for some reason he has learned that any time away you have from him means he's a lower priority and things are out of balance. This leads to mistrust on his part. He's learned these ideas of marriage from somewhere. How do you think he would describe the way his parents relate to each other? How is his relationship with his parents? My mom always told me that women have to learn to be peaceful and hold all their anger and frustrations inside Do you believe your mom is right or wrong? Would you say your actions so far in your marriage are consistent or opposite with what your mom always told you? How would you describe the way your parents relate to each other? Specifically, how does your father treat your mother?
seoa Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Sounds like you didn't do too much preparation for marriage... He had an unconscious expectation that marriage meant "stay at home, just the 2 of us" (probably learnt from his growing-up experience), and you expected that your relationship wouldn't change significantly from when you were dating. Neither of those expectations are wrong, they're just different, and you need to be able to talk that through with each other, and reach a compromise... One way to approach this kind of thing, is not to say "I have a problem, and it's you", but rather to take the "We have a problem, how can we solve it" approach... Kick the friend out for the evening, light some candles, have a nice dinner, and talk through (in terms of shared social life) what his parents' relationship was like, what your parents' was like, and also assess the married couples you know who have a good /bad relationship in this area... Focus on just chatting about the background to your different expectations, not about "solving" things, or making a point... Just look to understand him, and have him understand you... I understand about him not going to MC - a lot of (older) guys won't, until things are at breaking point... But it feels like you're only looking for validation on this board that he is *wrong* and you are *right*, and you should be allowed to nag & yell at him until he changes... It is wrong that he's limiting your life by his behaviour, but he is not necessarily doing it because he's a horrible bully (is he? does he bully you in other ways? is this a situation where you need to talk to Women's Refuge-type professionals?) - but because you are both quite young, and haven't really though about other ways of being... If you want to be upset - sure, come here and vent - we all use these boards for that at times. If you want to solve things - accept that this is likely just a communication thing, and start investigating better ways of communicating within a marriage. This stuff doesn't happen by magic, just because you love each other, or just because you got married - there are techniques you can learn to make communication flow better...
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