clickster Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hello everyone, I found this forum and thank god for it. I read some posts and realize that a lot of people have the same problems with a relationship like I do, and it helps cope. I do have some questions about my situation. Me and my GF have been dating since high school, through college, and now we have been out and working for 3 years now. She has a good job and likes it, I just lost my job and have had 3 over the past three years and I have not been happy AT ALL with any of them. The last job i was in, i was an a couple hours away from her, so i was living alone and after about 6 months, I was getting depressed about my job and talking to her about all those problems. She kept saying to keep looking for something i wanted and i found it (it's a business for self position but not making much money right now). I lost my job in august, and when i told her that, the next day she said she needs a break...I am devastated. So what does this "break" mean? She said she doesn't know what she wants, and that breaks my heart...almost 9 years of "us" and now I don't know what to think. Any input is greatly appreciated.
logitech Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Everyone is different but for me a "break" meant it's all over but I want to ease away from it. Give it some time, don't chase. Allow her to come back if she chooses to. Don't wait forever though, you have to give yourself some respect too.
chixy lady Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 giving her space to think is upright at this moment. Some may say that a long relationship is not good as you might end it with no good reason at all. Well, I've been into that. But what made it different from your situation is that i was the one who ask for a space. I know it was hard for my partner to accept, but then it would be harder to stay in a relationship when you knew you are no longer happy and you were force to still go on because of the years you have spent with. So, don't force her to come back, let her decide. __________ http://www.cebuanas.com
Author clickster Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 The only thing is, she initially told me she needs a break so after 2 weeks i contact her about a bill that we are both under just to remind her it was due and she said ok, then asked if i wanted to run some errands with her...so i did. For the next 2 days we spent some time together. (no intimate stuff) but I did get a kiss or three, gave her a massage, we rented a movie, etc. I could finally focus on my work and everything else in my life...then she didnt return my phone calls for 4 days...i finally got a hold of her and she said "our break didn't really work". I then told her how i feel and how I want change to happen to us...i just want us to be happy. also told her i would take ANY job so i can see her everyday. We have never lived together, and i think that would help us be happy on a daily basis. we never fight or yell or anything like that when we are face to face doing things together...unfortunately most of our communication is through the phone.
hoping2heal Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hello everyone, I found this forum and thank god for it. I read some posts and realize that a lot of people have the same problems with a relationship like I do, and it helps cope. I do have some questions about my situation. Me and my GF have been dating since high school, through college, and now we have been out and working for 3 years now. She has a good job and likes it, I just lost my job and have had 3 over the past three years and I have not been happy AT ALL with any of them. The last job i was in, i was an a couple hours away from her, so i was living alone and after about 6 months, I was getting depressed about my job and talking to her about all those problems. She kept saying to keep looking for something i wanted and i found it (it's a business for self position but not making much money right now). I lost my job in august, and when i told her that, the next day she said she needs a break...I am devastated. So what does this "break" mean? She said she doesn't know what she wants, and that breaks my heart...almost 9 years of "us" and now I don't know what to think. Any input is greatly appreciated. For some strange reason, I have known a lot of people who ended their long term relationship and the common denominator? They all started dating in high school, as opposed to the one's who didn't meet until mid 20s or later and have been together just as long still going strong. I think it has something to do with getting to the point where you realise you never had a chance to date around and try meeting other people. Either way, I think it sounds like she wants something more. I think she feels you are not going to provide security, compound that with the fact she's dated you since high school and she's most likely thinking "well, there's got to be someone out there better for me" aka "there has to be some other man that can provide for my needs in the way he is not". I don't mean to say that you're a worthless man or anything of that sort, it just appears that you losing your job coincided with the break up, and you've been in and out of jobs the last few years now, where she has held the same job. I think she wants the break to determine wether or not she really can find someone who meets her needs more than you can or not.
logitech Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Perhaps I am not helping here but I will say it anyway. Don't assume never fighting or yelling is a good thing. Sometimes it just means you both aren't getting your true feelings out. Alternatively it could mean that both of you are really good at communicating and it never gets to that stage. Would you be confident to say you are in the latter group??
skreen23 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 "Breaks" are an absolute load of bollox. It some kind of limbo between a relationship and limbo and can go either way. During my first "break" i almost went mad trying to figure out what it meant. During my most recent break (which ended with a break up) i assumed from day one we were finished. As much as was possible i went no contact. That way when she finally broke up with me i wasn't surprised and was on the road to recovery. You have to be selfish and think of yourself at the mo, you don't deserve this sh*te. Breaks are a very cowardly and painful way of breaking up with someone. Cut her out of your life and let her see what it's truly like not having you around. Do stuff you don't normally do in the meantime, have fun, flirt with girls (or guys if that floats your boat). The gym is a great idea, gets rid of all that anger and depression.
Author clickster Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 For some strange reason, I have known a lot of people who ended their long term relationship and the common denominator? They all started dating in high school, as opposed to the one's who didn't meet until mid 20s or later and have been together just as long still going strong. I think it has something to do with getting to the point where you realise you never had a chance to date around and try meeting other people. Either way, I think it sounds like she wants something more. I think she feels you are not going to provide security, compound that with the fact she's dated you since high school and she's most likely thinking "well, there's got to be someone out there better for me" aka "there has to be some other man that can provide for my needs in the way he is not". I don't mean to say that you're a worthless man or anything of that sort, it just appears that you losing your job coincided with the break up, and you've been in and out of jobs the last few years now, where she has held the same job. I think she wants the break to determine wether or not she really can find someone who meets her needs more than you can or not. I understand the whole security thing, but I just havent found what i really want to do as in a career yet...is that a bad thing? I guess it is in the eyes of her. You know, im sorry i never knew what i wanted to do since grade school like some ppl. she has always known she wanted to be a nurse, and now she is and she loves it. I don't know what I want to do, and I still don't. Well i know what i want to do, but it just takes some time to make good money with what i'm doing. I want to meet her needs...is there anything I could do that would do that when we do start talking again?
Author clickster Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Perhaps I am not helping here but I will say it anyway. Don't assume never fighting or yelling is a good thing. Sometimes it just means you both aren't getting your true feelings out. Alternatively it could mean that both of you are really good at communicating and it never gets to that stage. Would you be confident to say you are in the latter group?? It might be that first one...I'm not really a good communicator and I usually say things in a joking way just to get a laugh, but she has known my feelings about her for a long time and I always reminded her of that. The more i think about this situation, the more my gut feeling says that she just needs some time to think, and we will end up together. This is hard....I'm trying to stay positive and focusing on what I need to do.
DustySaltus Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 The fact that you gusy started dating in high school and lasted as long as you did says a lot but the fact of the matter is like H2H said, she probably wanted to see what's out there. In a lot of those situations the OP goes out and realizes that there really isn't much better out there than you. At the same time you can't wait for her to come back around. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that I think it was more of her wanting to see what's out there than you losing your job. I think that either way the "break" was going to hurt but she wants to try and make herself feel less guilty. I believe that relationships are best judged when one person or the other is going through a tough time and the other person needs to be there for them more than they are used to. Some people can handle it, others can't. I don't want to be with anyone who was only there in good times. I left a six figure job in a bank in America to teach English for $4 an hour in Israel to be with my X. I was still paying off a few student loans and money was tight. She told me that she just wanted me to be there and to not worry about money because she would contribute while I was looking for a better job. Only a few weeks later it became a BIG issue. Love wasn't paying the bills. In the meantime I had spent close to $15,000 on moving and engagement rings and all that. When things get uncomfortable people's true colors come out. Again, based on what I've gone through it sounds like she just wanted to see what's out there. You need to do that at as well. Good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 A 'break' is a half assed breakup, with a backup plan. It is a way for people to ease their way out of a relationship when they aren't 100% ready to let go.
wondering_girl Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 hi clickster, from a girl's perspective i asked my ex-bf then my bf of four years from high-school senior through my senior year in college for a break as well to just kinda re-think things, i was a little bit more focused with school than he was but i kept telling him, hey you really need to straighten out, but i definitely believe that not everyone knows what they want to do.. that's understandable but seems like she put like some kind of a standard up.. and i did the same thing too, i told him gotta finish school, get a job then we can talk about settling down, he never got around to finishing school and didn't finish his degree and we broke-up imo, i think the break is a test if you guys are going to make it or break it, if you find the job that you want, do it for you, not for her... i know easier said than done, i'm in the same position as you too, on a break but i don't know what's next.. i'm just trying to move on with just me. and if they want to be a part of it they will come back...
Author clickster Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 wondering_girl and everyone else for that matter. Thanks for all the tips. She finally called me early in october and told me there was some communication issues (no **** i thought, she never told me anything about how she was feeling when we were together) and that "we are not in a relationship anymore". I could tell it was really hard for her to say, she's the nicest person i have ever met. it sucked that she had to drag it along though. The day after she told me that, it was like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. She called me two weeks later on a friday night, i was in my car on my way out for the night. she was crying...she rarely ever cries, and she was just bawling...i felt terrible and asked her what was wrong. she said "nothing" but kept crying. after a while of me trying to get her to talk she just said "i hate guys". Then i realized she was calling me to complain about another guy...i mean, already? that kinda pissed me off. she asked me if there was something wrong with her, and i told her no, and that she is a good person and the nicest person i have ever met. then i told her i hope she has a better night and i hung up with her. it was hard....she told me she was just driving around....??? she stopped by last friday to drop off her last cell phone bill we had together. we talked about work, and my new job. i showed her how to use her new phone...lol...she didnt know how to check her voicemail yet. it was good seeing her. It made me realize again how much i love and miss her. For the past few days i have been back in the depressed state, probably because i saw her again. I don't want to love her anymore...i do, but i don't you know? She asked me that night if I wanted to go out because some of our friends were out, but we could not get a hold of them...so she just went home. Would it be a good idea for me to call her later this week and see if she wants to get together for a movie or dinner this weekend? BTW, i have gone on a couple dates with a couple girls, and i realize how hard it is to find someone that is genuine, trustworthly...and not crazy.
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