Porter Royal Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm married. She's not. We went into this with the very clear understanding that when either one of us wanted out, the other would not cause a scene and do whatever they could to go out like we went in. There was no question about this. We both agreed. We were highly attracted physically and the passion ran extremely wild and high all summer long. She's said a couple of times over the past couple of weeks that we could end it now that summer is winding down and end it on a high point and just leave with excellent memories. I should have expected something, but I was still hopeful about getting the awesome sex. Last Tuesday we got wild for the last time. About midway through our romp she wants to talk about how I think things are going between us. I said I liked that we had found our rhythm and looked forward to being with her. She brought up the "going out on a high point" idea again. It was like someone threw a bucket of cold water on us. I told her that if it ended tonight that I would consider our time together one of the best times of my life and that if she ever wanted to get together I was only a 40 minute drive away and would be there with no strings attached. We ended our night and the next day she said she wanted to end it. She told me she thought it was best because her feelings for me were making it difficult for her to stay in what had become a complicated emotional tangle. I got her to admit that she was talking about falling love with me (something I told her mid-summer). She asked me if I regretted telling her that I loved her. I told of course I didn't. I said I was glad and it made me feel like a human being again after a long time. I told her to think about things for a few days and try to come up with some way to save our relationship. She said ok and walked away. I think that there is a 3-5% chance of me ever hearing from her again on the phone or email. NC began last Wed. morn. I got drunk on Sunday night and called twice but she didn't answer. I emailed saying it was going to take me some time to shut things down but that I was trying. She responded by saying that she was having a exceptionally difficult time too. That was Sunday night. I saw her today when I was walking to work. She and her boss were on the other side of the street. At the very moment when we saw each other I was going over the rules of NC I recently read about here so I was feeling powerful. She waved and I asked where they were going. She said they were going to some meeting. That was it. Back to NC. The loss seemed profound Sunday and Monday, but today I felt a lot better. Today was hard too, but toward the end of the day, I kept thinking about all of the good sex and other good times we spent. I think that there is something to this NC thing. At first I was thinking that NC was going to position me for getting back together. Now I realize NC might help me jump ahead to moving on. I doubt we'll ever get back together. She feels guilty, I feel bad for making her feel guilty so I guess its best to end on a "high point." I'll never say anything to piss her off or make her mad. I want there to be a glimmer of hope for me to hook up again. I will hold out a little hope that some night or morning when she's feeling like it, she'll ask me to come over for some fun. The thought of that is comforting, but probably not realistic. I write this because I don't have anyone else to talk about this with. I've read plenty of threads here in the past few days and I've seen some good advice. Please no commentary on my cheating. I'm trying to get through this. My grief is as real as anyone else's here. I'd like some encouragement for keeping up my NC. Thanks.
fofiffs Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 If I read that correctly, you did say you are married right?
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Where's your wife in all this? If you spent the same energy into your wife and making her feel loved, sexy, needed, desired, bring the passion back into the marriage, then you wouldn't be cheating on her. Let the OW go forever...Don't hold any hope of having no strings sex session in the future either. What YOU don't understand is, this OW has fallen inlove with you and can't take it anymore. All that was said at the beginning, is out the window because of her emotions. You may be able to handle casual and hot sex with her but she can't.. Anymore. Respect HER decision to end it and please, leave her alone. Don't contact her or email, call or try to see her.. Let her heal so she can find love with someone who isn't married. Again, back to your wife.. How long have you been married? Why is it you felt the need to cheat on her? What is broken inside of you that made you go outside of the marriage?
Beeotch Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 You brought up your marriage then asked us NOT to comment on your cheating.... Why didn't you just omit that detail? You know your marriage complicates the situation further right? And advice given to single individuals about similar scenarios cannot be given to you. I can't give you any advice about how to continue cheating. Sorry. I would never like to think that my husband would be asking for this advice, or the husband of my sister, friend etc. The pain and grief you feel...you might want to take that as a sign of how your wife may possibly feel. It is unfair to ask for us to ignore your infidelity....I get that marriages don't always work out etc but I also am of the mind that we all should take responsibility for our actions and communicate our feelings instead of creeping behind people's backs and toying with their emotions. It is selfish and wrong. I actually think this woman is doing the right thing b walking away from this situation. If you love her...leave your wife and go be with her. That is how I see it. But don't try to have your cake and eat it too by wanting her and your wife. That is selfish and unfair to her as well as your wife. Why should you have everything you want while both her and your wife only get a piece of you? I have been in a scenario where a guy was cheating on his gf with me...so I am not holier than thou. But I had a conscience and ended it for my sake as well as her sake. She did nothing to me and while I have never met her, don't know her, etc I didn't feel right about it. Also...at the end of the day I was selling myself short. So from personal experience I would tell any woman or man being the "other" to someone otherwise committed to walk away....if it is meant to be then the committed individual will make the changes necessary. But if not, then you don't need to sell yourself short anyway. It says a lot about you when you decide to keep up a cheating charade versus communicating and being honest. It is not that you're a bad person but you do have things you need to work on. I think you do have stuff you need to sort out before trying to further complicate this woman's life and your own. Goodluck!
Tayla Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 In sincere defense of this chap, he is in his 40's and the OW in her fifties. He is having to fly solo (his words from a previous post on this). He seems to forget he had a co-pilot when he married..... He deserves our utmost honest opinion here. So here it goes. Get over yourself. Come clean with your spouse. She deserves the opportunity to kick you to curb in a lady like fashion. You definitely made it clear the relationship was purely physical. So take a hike to a better life!
seren Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Tell your wife and give her the same opportunity you have had. Never do behind someone's back (especially those who love and trust you) what you could not do in front of their face. It's basic human decency.
Ronni_W Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I'd like some encouragement for keeping up my NC. Porter, It will be difficult but, yes, do your very best to stay NC. You may want to consider seeing a grief counselor/pastor to help you deal with your feelings of loss, as well as to support you staying NC. Hugs, and best of luck.
Flying Burrito Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Please no commentary on my cheating. I'm trying to get through this. My grief is as real as anyone else's here. "I'm sorry -- that's the sound of incredulous laughter being stifled."
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My grief is as real as anyone else's here. I bet it is.. But it was self enduced pain. You chose this..Did you truly think noone was going to get hurt? You, OW or possibly your wife? Imagine your wife's pain if she finds out..You think you're hurting now, wait till you have to deal with her and see her reaction firsthand. Sorry if I'm harsh but you need to take responsibility for your part in this and stop feeling sorry for yourself..
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