Lost Fish Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hey everyone...I'm new here and could really use some advice.... So, in like October of 2007 I was befriended by this girl through a social networking site (not one of the big ones) and we got to chatting. I am kind of ashamed because all of this was online, but what developed was real nonetheless.. Anyway, she lives in Florida (I'm in IL) and kind of has a similar life story to my own - we've both overcome hard challenges in our pasts and I was immediately taken with her internal strength. Anyway, like right from the start she had this whimsical nature that I found enjoyable. I had no intention of ever like having feelings for her...(silly of me to think that way, my heart was drawn to her from the start). She'd talk to me about how I should visit her and we should date and she'd even talk about how we'd get married and we'd joke about what we'd name our kids and stuff. And meanwhile I was able to stay detached and all the while would tell her to date guys down there and "experience life". So, we both still chatted innocently and both dated others and stuff, we never were in a relationship...and yet I could sense she was becoming frustrated with me, but I also felt like I couldn't just start a long distance relationship with someone down in Florida... Anyway... suprisingly we kept chatting almost daily for almost 2 years. Eventually she just got tired of me and basically told me how she was sick of waiting for me because I "don't care enough" about her to go down there and visit her and that she has been seeing someone else - which I suspected anyway - usually things like this didn't bother me. But suddenly when I realized I might lose her for good, all these emotions came to the surface in me. I had been fooling myself all along and if I wasn't even going to get to see her with my own eyes I would regret it for a long, long time. This all went down in June. So, when I told her how I felt the communication with us really picked up. We talked for hours on end - even while she was dating this dude. Pathetically I did some snooping and found this guy's myspace page - he's a total self-involved ladies man - his page is adorned with him out clubbing with various girls, and tons of girls commenting his page and it actually gave me confidence to see the type of guy he is. Because I know that she would never be with this guy long term. So we kept talking and talking and then she told me she had broken up with him - and instead of being happy about it, I was somewhat saddened. Because I could tell that despite everything I knew about him she DID have feelings for him. This hurt me a lot because it made me realize that I had more or less let my own heart get involved with someone who wasn't 100% on me - but again it was all bad timing and circumstances. If she hadn't been dating this guy, I may not have really realized my feelings. So... we kept talking and communicating and it's been rough. Some days she was really sweet and nice to me, other days she went cold and the conversations were like pulling teeth. It was a roller coaster for my heart - but the fact that I've known this girl for almost 2 years now is what kept me involved. She really is special and I WOULD be willing to visit often and perhaps even relocate down the line. She is younger and still in school and has dreams of traveling and possibly volunteering in the Peace Corps or something similar in Africa - which is something I have long wanted to do as well - so we used to talk about how maybe someday we could do that after she finishes school. However...the past couple weeks have been hard. She went cold on me again, and finally I asked her what was going on. She told me she was talking to her ex again and was totally confused. And it was like a dagger in my heart. I lashed out at her and said I was sick of everything. I couldn't believe that she would string me along all this time as somewhat of an emotional crutch and someone she may have feelings for, but didn't really respect. I told her I had fallen for her, that I missed her, and that I wished things were different - and then *poof*. I vanished. No Contact began. This was late Saturday night. We usually talk or at least IM or text every day and I haven't said one word to her since that night. She also may be feeling guilty because she hasn't tried to reach out to me, which she usually does. I know she is probably miserable right now as well, but also that part of her that is still tied up in this jerk of a guy is probably happy to be rid of me. I think.... So... I'm in NC with her and let me tell you - it is so hard. Sometimes I am filled with hope and resolve, like this is good - I'm taking care of me. Who cares what she's up to. And other times I think about everything else - how the timing is just bad right now and maybe she just needs to get that dude out of her system and perhaps down the road we could try at this. Either way, right now is still agonizing. So... in all my sadness right now, I'm not sure what to do. I know she'll reach out to me at some point and I'm not sure what I'll do. Tell her I don't want her to contact me unless she is single? Ugh. It's tough. I know that if I contacted her right now I'd lose what little self-respect I saved by cutting her out the other night. I don't like the person I've become, and I'm certainly not the guy she first fell for back in 2007 - carefree, confident, self-assured. Now I'm this patheticly sad mope who sits and hopes his phone or email will light up from her. Arg. Writing all this is helping give me some perspective. Also, my job is sending me to Japan for a week at the start of October, and in a way that will be a huge help to just get away from everything and all this negative energy in my life. It will quite literally force my mind to think of something else...but still...when I get back the reality of life without her gentle presence will really hurt.... So what do I do? I do think we could really have something...but I know it's not smart to dwell on hope right now. Should I just let her go for good? How should I react if she contacts me? What do I do? So....... that's my story...... if you've read this far then I am indebted to you and could certainly use any insight or advice.... feeling somewhat pathetic, but glad I posted..............
JaggedRoad Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm in a situation similar to yours except the girl and I got into a relationship that went on for over three years. It ended last month, and it hurts like hell. If you want to risk heartbreak, I suggest you visit her. Who knows, maybe it will work out for you two.
Author Lost Fish Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Arg, she just emailed me! I haven't opened it because I'm on day 4 of No Contact. I just threw it in a folder... Full of hope / fear...it's an interesting combination. What to do what to do.... I don't even know how I'd reply at this point... I guess it depends on whether or not I am totally done with her or if I want to try for a future.... what to do what to do....... I'll probably wait until I'm at home to open it...
JaggedRoad Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I feel bad vibes coming from her, but I wish you the best of luck =)
Author Lost Fish Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 You could be right, and I know this. So... I have to make sure I'm in the right mindset before I even read it. Luckily even with just 4 days of no contact I'm already finding acceptence and my own independence again. I need to get that "who gives a ****" attitude back before I read it. Moods come and go. I was feeling suprisingly good today, but then she emailed me and now I'm all mixed up again...arg.
Author Lost Fish Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Well the email was a link to a youtube song of the church hymn "it is well with my soul" ... wtf. Then she says "I <3 you even though you're really upset with me... I understand. I'm sorryy.. =[ " Whatever. I don't need her pity. I think she expects that I'll reply like I used to. But now it's different. I'm set on working on me. She might try to reach out again as it starts to set in that I'm done being her little dog she can run to when she's lonely because the guy she's dating is a jerk. The void will grow. I'm resolute and did not reply to her, nor do I intend to.
Author Lost Fish Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 So... now it is day 6. She texted me this afternoon... "ugh i miss you" it's so hard... how do you keep NC going when she's obviously hurting? I just want to be there for her and tell her everything is ok, but obviously that isn't the case. She blew me off for some d-bag who treats her poorly... I don't know... I haven't replied to her but I might later tonight. I have to be so careful though. I've made huge progress this week and the pain has definitely mellowed - it only does when I focus on ME and my healing and carry the attitude of not caring what she's doing or what's going on down there. Which is harsh, but also easy to do with the anger I have of being the second fiddle to that other guy... what to do what to do....
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