Taucher Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 OK, let's get reflective and a bit positive shall we? I know that most people on here have been dumped and have usually been hurt badly by dastardly exes, but I do believe that, in most cases, there is fault on both sides. So, what will you do differently in your next relationship? How will it be different, BETTER? I will start. 1) I will not take my next relationship for granted. Sadly, that IS something I was guilty of. I just never thought in a million years that she would leave me. But she did. I don't feel like I took my gf for granted, but I took our relationship for granted. There IS a distinction, I just cant quite express it. 2) I will be pro-active. I will actively do things for the good of my relationship, to bring us closer together, instead of letting the relationship tick along. I will work at it. 3) I will do things with her that are important to her, even if those things mean very little to me. I am a bit stubborn like that - I tend to not do things I don't want to. My ex wanted to go horse riding, and I just refused. I wish I had just gone. What an idiot. Anyway, anyone else? T
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 4. Handle my emotions in a more measured manner 5. Clearly communicate my boundaries 6. Face the fears I might have and be unafraid to walk away from something unhealthy.
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Taucher your list is a pretty good fit for me as well. I never imagined my relationship ending with her so in a way it was taken for granted. I knew things weren't always good but not sure how active I was in trying to improve things. And I didn't do too many things that my ex wanted, mainly small things like hanging out with her relatives, I always thought it was fine for me to not be there, guess not.
jv032889 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Communication skills My Selfishness I took the relationship for granted
JL911 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 OK, let's get reflective and a bit positive shall we? I know that most people on here have been dumped and have usually been hurt badly by dastardly exes, but I do believe that, in most cases, there is fault on both sides. So, what will you do differently in your next relationship? How will it be different, BETTER? I will start. 1) I will not take my next relationship for granted. Sadly, that IS something I was guilty of. I just never thought in a million years that she would leave me. But she did. I don't feel like I took my gf for granted, but I took our relationship for granted. There IS a distinction, I just cant quite express it. 2) I will be pro-active. I will actively do things for the good of my relationship, to bring us closer together, instead of letting the relationship tick along. I will work at it. 3) I will do things with her that are important to her, even if those things mean very little to me. I am a bit stubborn like that - I tend to not do things I don't want to. My ex wanted to go horse riding, and I just refused. I wish I had just gone. What an idiot. Anyway, anyone else? T My $.02 I see what your saying, but do you really think that going horse riding would have saved the relationship??...Nor would being a little bitch for her to throw around and do whatever she wanted...Im convinced that my relationship lasted as long as it did because I was a strong male and was able to say when things didnt suit my needs as a person...She never had a relationship last as long as we did, and in time shes going to wonder how we went so far...The reasons were certainly not because of her, it was because of the type of person I am. I can tolerate the bitchyness, the complaining, and still be a man and stand up for myself...It wasnt because I got her flowers every week, its because I rarely did, and when I did it made it that much more special... First off EVERYONE TAKES THEIR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED....Its called a sense of security...If you would have dumped your ex a year prior to them dumping you they would be the one writing the same damn thing...Only it would say "I shouldnt have nagged him about going horseback riding" or "why couldnt I just accept that some things I enjoy just were not for him" Im fully convinced that my EX flat out sabotaged our relationship. She never communicated with me and never ever suggested anything. I felt like I always had to make the decisions or make the options for things for us to do...Then when we broke up she said I never did this and never did that, like I was suppose to be an F'n mind reader or something...Where do you want to eat....We can go here or here you pick...her answer "I dont feel like either"...My reply, "well baby where would you like to go, you pick"...Her reply, "I dont care"....See what I mean!! Same thing with movies, weekend activities, and even sexual positions... Im human...Im flawed...I did all I could...And I STILL BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH!! ITS CRAP! Do you know how many holidays, birthdays, family reunions, graduation parties, and family events I went to only to be told, "Im never around for family functions!"...Do you see what I am saying here?! I think you are still thinking that the majority of the issues surrounding your break up are YOUR fault...when in turn they are not. You did the best you could at the moment. Just cause someone mentions something did she ever make plans? Line things up or just mention it and expect you to do all the work? All relationships mature over time and eventually they get comfortable and kinda boring...Thats when the wrong people get bored and move on because they arent ready to just settle down and crave the excitment of a new thing and are just plain selfish and immature... All relationships get comfortable, safe, secure, and yes kinda boring in a sense where you know the person...You eventually learn all you can about someone, their mannerisms, their reactions, their habits, ect...The conversations arent as exciting and you talk entirely too much so there is even less to say at the end of a day...This is just how things get...Its not a movie, its not a book, its not a romance story...its life and thats how things get...Any other assumption of how love is suppose to be is commercialize and false! The right person is happy having a dependable, loving, supportive, and loyal person there who loves them even if he doesnt want to go horseback riding! Its not your fault...You wanted to continue on, change, and keep things moving in the right direction...its not like you gave up...they did... You cannot change who you are...But you need to accept that the right person will accept that person and stick by you through thick and thin....Atleast you know you are already one of those people capable of sticking it out and capable of loving forever and capable of wanting to work things out when things get hard...Relationships are fun but eventually turn into work...They are never easy.... I will change who I am for no one...I know what good qualities I posess...If you cant figure that out...well *** Ya!
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 JL - your post was amazing. The same goes for me. My ex never suggested or communicated anything, and then I find out she's unhappy that we weren't going out more. I did my best. I planned and paid for an entire vacation myself. She spent about five minutes sitting on my knee as we looked at vacation places online, I did the rest. I do need to stop blaming myself.
JL911 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Very honestly all this relationship has taught me is that if I ever get to the point where someone is breaking up with me it will be very easy for me to say, "alright, whatever, we'll see ya!" and never speak again... Some people are just brought up wrong....My ex was never told no, never grounded, and never really had to have a job until she graduated college...Then she found out that no one hands you ANYTHING!! Her parents were more like friends than parents...they never told her about doing things wrong...never told her she was wrong...Always kissed her butt and always said she was right...She was not used to dealing with issues so I guess it is just easier to walk away from your problems...My house is the exact opposite...We have real life issues...People are sick...My parents are a team and each has their own voice. In her house her mother rules the roost while her father bitches quietly on his own NEVER standing up for himself just beacuse its easier...My parents helped me through college while hers gave her nothing...She would talk to my mother about student loans instead of her own...Only problem she has is herself...And part of me is glad that she is no longer my problem... I was supportive, spoiled her, loved her, and did all I could without losing my sanity as a man...At times I would take my weekends to myself and go fishing or hunting, but others I would spend every waking second with her meeting her every need, cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I did the best I could...had she been brought up right and known that not everything is perfect we probaly would be planning a wedding now...Instead I'm just starting to put her in the back of my mind, while she is just starting to find out that every other guy out there will not match up to me..... Its kind of funny when you think of it...When the excitement wears off with the next guy...what will be left? It wont be what we had...It wont be talks of marriage...And if it is, there will soon be after talks of divorce...The selfishness and never knowing that she is wrong will continue to ruin her relationships again and again...not to mention not every guy is like me...So Im sure a few will break her heart...
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Another very good post. I'm certain my ex didn't have a very structured upbringing either. She doesn't work through problems, she avoids them, she takes an easier path. I really like what you said at the end. She has all the excitement in the world with her new bf. It will end some day. Will they settle down comfortably and get married, or will she jump ship again? Who knows.
logitech Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 1. Not be a fixer - If I am told about the day's issues I used to offer my advice. Now I will just listen and ask them what they will do about it. If the ask me what I will do, then I will offer my advice. 2. Be more emotive - Show how I really feel about things, less of the silent treatment and more of showing when I actually am happy. 3. No more Covert Contracts!! I guess there are many more but that's a start for me. As for my ex. She is from a wealthy family whereas I am not. We lived close to her parents and would go out to dinners every Sunday with them whereas my parents lived over 1000kms away. Her mother is very controlling and always wants a piece of the pie. Her mother is massively guilty of making Covert Contracts. My ex has never really had to make her way on her own and was always proud of how much money she could save not needing to buy things for herself. In the end she still won't truly experience the real world until her mother loosens the grip. Oh yeah, she's 26 and her parents still supply her with a car and fuel.
leap83 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I will never date a jerk EVER again. And I will go for a man that is NOT my type. I've learned from previous mistakes. I'm not repeating them EVER again.
NopeNah Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Good post(s), JL!! I'm not planning on any other changes in my life unless they benefit me!
fireftrjef Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Two things come to mind for me... I will try to communicate better. I will try to keep a journal, or keep notes of all the good and the bad. I know NOW that I would have an easier time dealing with my breakup if I had kept a journal. That way I wouldn't rely so much on memory. Being able to look back on her selfish and immature ways when I start missing the few good things we had going for us.
splintered thing Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 And I will go for a man that is NOT my type. *Not* your type? Why? Personally, I think it would be nice to be somebody's type. In fact, that's the first thing that came to mind when reading the original question. (Not that it's likely, but I always have the option of simply doing without otherwise.)
Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm still floored by JL's posts. It was such an unexpected wake up call for me lol. I could have done ten times more for that girl and it still wouldn't have been enough. I have still learned things that I will change in my next relationship, but as far as how I feel about what I did wrong this time, I see it a little differently now.
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 1) I will try to communicate what I feel. Whenever I felt something I usually just shut down because I had no idea how to verbalise what I was feeling. Towards the end I did begin to do this but felt it fell on deaf ears and was ignored so I ended up expressing myself in an overtly-emotional manner. I guess to be able to express how I feel without being distant and without crying. 2) To try to learn to trust. I have so many issues surrounding trust which poisons my belief in relationships. I think everyone will cheat, lie to me or leave me eventually so I push them away, test them, give them reasons to leave me - to see how much they care. I hope I can develop enough self-esteem so that I don't need to test someones love, I can accept it, and learn to trust them fully. 3) Keep the relationship passionate and interesting by doing things together and doing the little things that matter, though at the end I did do this - I wrote him cards, poems, little texts, little presents. He stopped completely so I felt a low priority. 4) Let them have their space and freedom without judging them for not wanting to be with me.
JL911 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm still floored by JL's posts. It was such an unexpected wake up call for me lol. I could have done ten times more for that girl and it still wouldn't have been enough. I have still learned things that I will change in my next relationship, but as far as how I feel about what I did wrong this time, I see it a little differently now. Im glad something I said could be worthwhile....Lately I have been really down in the dumps...Im really afraid about what I can expect in life...It is simply terrible to think that people act in such cruel and hurtful ways to those they care about. I know I talk a good talk, but I am still hurt and very disappointed...I still blame myself, but say to myself that she will figure it out, but by then I hope I am with someone who is not capable of such cruelty....
caramel c Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I have been thinking about this question lately...and I haven't come up with anything. That's right, I am not changing a single d*mn thing this time! What happened is not my fault. I was everything a great girlfriend would be and more. I have no lesson to learn here. The relationship was terminated by him because he simply could not handle his emotional instability. Call it anxiety, call it panic, call it commitment phobic, I don't care. All I know is that I didn't do anything wrong and didn't see it coming. He dumped me at the HEIGHT of our relationship. I have no regrets and I can't honestly say I would change a single thing I did or said in that entire relationship. HIS loss! But, I do care, I do feel bad for him and its very unfortunate that I cannot be more compassionate. Being friends per his request is not an option I am willing to take...so that is where it's left, at nothing.
caramel c Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm still floored by JL's posts. It was such an unexpected wake up call for me lol. I could have done ten times more for that girl and it still wouldn't have been enough. I have still learned things that I will change in my next relationship, but as far as how I feel about what I did wrong this time, I see it a little differently now. Exit, you are the most improved member that I know of here. You deserve an award for that, really.
2sure Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 In my next relationship.... Iron Clad Pre-Nup
jlr Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 JL's posts are amazing. I was going to post how I may have taken things for granted, and some other things others had sort of said - and then JL hit me like a ton of bricks. He's so right. Yes, I did things wrong - I'm human. But if someone really loves you, they aren't going to run out on you. Love is about what comes after the initial "newness" and adventure of a new relationship. It's what you do after you become comfortable. It's loving someone after knowing all about them, and STILL wanting to be there everyday. My ex ran because she didn't know how to cope with that. She didn't leave because of the list of tiny things I come up with from time to time to try and explain it. It's deeper than that. She thinks love is about the feeling you get when you meet a new person. She thinks that's supposed to last forever. But JL's right. Life doesn't work like that. After 5 years, she wanted that new feeling again. The safe, comfortable thing - she's never known that, and I think it freaked her out. She chose to run away from it, instead of trying to figure it out. That's sad. Sometimes I wish there was some major thing I did that I could pinpoint all this on. But no matter what I do, scraping through all the things I may have made mistakes on, none of them merit her leaving me. However, I hope this relationship, the way she treated me by dumping me like that, the way she kept me on a string for months after while she was scoping out the field (and ultimately found some random dude to run to), the way she tries to blame me for everything in order to avoid her own responsibilty - I hope I will never accept that again in my life. I hope I will never want someone like that back, as I have (and still sorta do) now. I hope that's my final outcome on all this. I hope I will look for someone who loves me for me, not for some idealistic vision they have that causes them to leave when reality sets in. Can I do some things better - not take things for granted, express myself better, communicate better - yeah, of course I can. But no one will ever be perfect at those things. No one. What I can do is try to love me more, and not allow people to take advantage of my heart.
Author Taucher Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 My $.02 I see what your saying, but do you really think that going horse riding would have saved the relationship??...Nor would being a little bitch for her to throw around and do whatever she wanted...Im convinced that my relationship lasted as long as it did because I was a strong male and was able to say when things didnt suit my needs as a person...She never had a relationship last as long as we did, and in time shes going to wonder how we went so far...The reasons were certainly not because of her, it was because of the type of person I am. I can tolerate the bitchyness, the complaining, and still be a man and stand up for myself...It wasnt because I got her flowers every week, its because I rarely did, and when I did it made it that much more special... First off EVERYONE TAKES THEIR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED....Its called a sense of security...If you would have dumped your ex a year prior to them dumping you they would be the one writing the same damn thing...Only it would say "I shouldnt have nagged him about going horseback riding" or "why couldnt I just accept that some things I enjoy just were not for him" I think you are still thinking that the majority of the issues surrounding your break up are YOUR fault...when in turn they are not. You did the best you could at the moment. Just cause someone mentions something did she ever make plans? Line things up or just mention it and expect you to do all the work? Its not your fault...You wanted to continue on, change, and keep things moving in the right direction...its not like you gave up...they did... JL911, I am glad you have started a new topic with this as it needs to be seen by other people. Also, this thread is for people who do think they will make a change next time. I am one of them. I agree with most of what you say, and I definitely see parallels with my situation. No, I dont think going horse riding would have saved our relationship, that's silly. It was just an example I picked out as an illustration. It is symptomatic. I also stopped myself from mentioning any of the (many) mistakes SHE made, things that I am still angry about. Overall, I blame her for the demise of our relationship. I certainly blame her more than I blame myself. However, I do want to learn from this. I too consider myself to be a strong male, and I did put up with a lot of my exes weirdness. Like you, this was the longest relationship my ex has ever had (by about 3 years) precisely because of me. However, there are things that I could change. Things that will make me a better boyfriend in the future, and things that will make me a better person (from now until the future). Very honestly all this relationship has taught me is that if I ever get to the point where someone is breaking up with me it will be very easy for me to say, "alright, whatever, we'll see ya!" and never speak again... Now this I totally agree with. I don't think anyone will be able to hurt me this much again. And that is important. I did the best I could...had she been brought up right and known that not everything is perfect we probaly would be planning a wedding now...Instead I'm just starting to put her in the back of my mind, while she is just starting to find out that every other guy out there will not match up to me..... Its kind of funny when you think of it...When the excitement wears off with the next guy...what will be left? It wont be what we had...It wont be talks of marriage...And if it is, there will soon be after talks of divorce...The selfishness and never knowing that she is wrong will continue to ruin her relationships again and again...not to mention not every guy is like me...So Im sure a few will break her heart... My ex is totally like this. She had 4 relationships before me, longest one was a year and a half (they were ENGAGED, before she threw his ring into the sea and moved away, back to London). We managed 5 years and I thought I was different from her exes. Our exes will struggle to find long term happiness with anyone.
JL911 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 What will make you a better boyfriend is to find a better girlfriend...one with the mental capacity to appreciate the things about you that are very beneficial to a relationship. Someone who realizes its not all about the mushy feelings and kisses and holding hands...But knows its about the stability of you and your strength to hold things together when things get rough...Someone who can look at you and see you as a good husband, good father, and stable individual in a family situation... Im convinced they are out there somewhere...
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