Missingluv Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hi, I am new to this forum and looking for help. I am only 34 and have been married to my husband for 14 years. In most areas he is great! My problem now is that my husband is basically unable to have sexual intercourse anymore. He has both severe premature ejaculation problems, and difficulty gettin erections. When he does get erect he only lasts about 2 minutes on average. Sometimes he's done before we get it in. This has become a problem for both of us. The problem for me is that I have a crazy high sex drive. We have been dealing with this for many years, as the problem has only gotten worse over the years. The problem I'm having now is that I am totally not attracted to him at all now, and when he touches me I feel like my skin is crawling. Im not sure if I am just not attracted to him now because of the sex problem, or if this means that I no longer love him. Can you love someone, but not be attracted to them? I feel like he is just a good friend now. I want to save my marriage, but I'm not sure that there is a fix for this. I don't think that I can live the rest of my life not feeling attracted to my husband and not having sex. To think that the last time I had good sex was over a decade ago is crazy!! I should add that he refuses to try medication for this because he doesn't like to take medication. I did start seeing a therapist hoping that this is something I can get past. Please help!!
ReturnToSender Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Oh my gosh...I feel so bad for you. How old is your husband? Much of what you wrote sounds like what Im going through, except Ive only been with my bf for 2 years, and this problem has been going on for the last year (or so) now. I have a crazy high drive too...Im bouncing off the walls most of the time. My guy is trying what he can..hes had a physical to rule that out, and hes taken both natural remedies and prescriptions and well...trying out whatever he can to make things "work" but no dice so far. Im so afraid now...I didnt think about it getting worse, or the possibility that Id become less attracted to him. I really dont want that to happen! Hes the only person I want to be with, and why Im so patient and hoping for the best. Was it gradual, or did you one day just not want him to touch you anymore? Is he trying anything to get past this? Has he asked his dr about possible causes, or tried therapy?
Author Missingluv Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 He has been to the doctor a few times, but unfortunately there are few meds for being premature. The docs did rule out any other physical problems too. As far as the lack of ability to get erect, most md's think its psychological. I have been through periods before where I didn't want him to touch me and felt totally turned off but I was able to get through it. The problem now is that I don't feel I have any hope of the problem getting better, and see that it is quickly getting worse. Im just not sure that I can accept not being able to have sex the rest of my life. You had asked our age, I am 34 and he is 36. We've been together since I was 17! Another problem is that I cant act too excited or natural even during foreplay cause I don't want to over excite him. He has finished before we even started if you know what I mean. As if this isn't all bad enough, I am and have been the one who has continued to show interest, come on to him, flirted, and been willing to have sex whenever he wanted. But over the last several years he has turned me down every single time that I wanted to!! So now and for the last few years I don't have the confidence to hit on him cause it's too hurtful when he rejects me. He has taken all the joy out of the experience for me, physically and emotionally! Im just not sure I can rebound from here. I am trying to remain supportive, and haven't told him how bad I am feeling about our relationship now, cause I don't want to do more psychological damage, but we do have 3 kids and are otherwise happy.
ReturnToSender Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Youre around the same age we are...Im 32 and hes 36. Just like my guy, youres is really young. I do think its psychological..esp seeing how they both got a totally clean bill of health from the dr. I wish I knew how to make whatever is causing the "block" to stop, it came on so sudden, and just hasnt gone away. I gave up on making an advance a long time ago...I let him put the move on when he is ready to...he knows Im always ready...I keep myself on point..sharp and sexy for whenever the moment strikes, and though I know I shouldnt take it personally, I feel about as desirable as a paper bag when he gently pushes me away and complains about work and stress and and and... And since we dont live together, he can just avoid seeing me altogether...like cancelling on seeing me tonight...he already feels the pressure to perform just knowing Im coming to spend the night, even though it hasnt been brought up or anything. He does this all the time...and it really sucks. He doesnt have a problem with premature ejaculation..he just goes soft. And we end up going to sleep, both of us pretty bummed out. I know he feels horrible and humiliated about it, but its still hard. Im sorry I dont have any real advise for you...only able to sympathize with you. I really hope this doesnt become a decade long problem for us too though, this past year has been so hard enough...
AliBlack Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I would really advise going to Relate, either alone or together, they have been really helpful to me. If you go together you can each say how you feel but with someone there to mediate.
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