loripuff Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hey there guys, I have a huge problem. In a nutshell, I have been in love with one of my friends for over a year....He chose this last weekend to come out for the first time to anyone and he chose me. I have always been very open about my support for my gay and lesbian friends and since he had been married to a woman and various comments he's made, I assumed that he was straight and perhaps a little homophobic. I just assumed that he would have trusted me with this information sooner and I could have re-framed my feelings about him. Now, it's too late. I love this man and I am lost. P has had a lot of very difficult challenges in the last year...divorce, his father is dying soon, he was laid off his job, and a few other things. He is very very fragile right now. I suspect his family and other non-gay friends are going to have a very very hard time with his coming out. I cannot abandon this man when he is so vulnerable but I am not sure I can handle seeing him with anyone else. It would be easier if he was straight, because then I could find fault with him and cut ties without guilt. How can I fault him for this? He hates that he is gay but admits that the sex aspect of it feels right to him, but he'd prefer that he just have a "regular" life with a wife, kids, pets, and mortgage. He also doesn't feel like he fits in with the "gay" scene...meaning the club scene...and he doesn't. This is a relationship man with very traditional values. He doesnt' feel like he can have children, even in a committed relationship with a man, because he feels it is wrong for the kids. He really hates this part of him and that makes it even sadder. What do I do? I can't abandon him, but I can't endure loving a man who is unavailable to me. What do I do?
Enema Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 If you've been in love with him for over a year, why did you do nothing about it? Does he know you love him? I'd say you can't have it both ways, it'll be too messy in the long run. Despite the pain this will cause him, if you honestly think you can't be just friends with him, you have to remove him from your life.
Author loripuff Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I did not expressly tell him I loved him and did not push him over the last year because his wife had just left him and he wasn't ready. He does know how I feel now and says, "I wish I could be who you deserve more than anyone." I know he loves me and he knows that I love him and am in love with him. We are very close and able to talk about difficult things. His "coming out" only happened this last weekend so I am still adjusting. At this time, he is out of the country seeing his father before he passes away. My first instinct is to just cut ties but I do love him and he has had such a rough couple of years, abandoning him seems too cruel. I asked him what would have happened if I had walked away from him once he told me he was gay, he said he would have never come out, never dated, and continued to live in agony. Even though my leaving him would not be because he is gay, it is because we cannot ever have the relationship I need/want.
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