Author EricaH329 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Island Girl -- I completely understand and agree with what you are saying. The thing is, though, that I do not care what he thinks of me, I care what I think of myself. And the minute I start sounding like a b*tch, or come across as one, I feel bad about myself. I hate being mean. It doesn't make me feel good. I will be mean if it's an extreme case, and even then I feel a little bit bad about it. I do make my point very clear without needing to sound mean, it's just that in this case he is having a hard time accepting it. There's really nothing more I can do except ignore him and go about my business, hoping he will lose interest. Who knows, maybe tonight will be good. He seems to be distancing himself.
Island Girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Stating what you mean very clearly is not mean at all. In fact it is quite the opposite. You do have to get to a point where you quit second guessing what you say because of how the other person with take it or feel. That is not your problem - that is their problem. You can be blunt and to the point without being evil. Saying, "I am not at all interested in you romantically" is not mean. You could even preface it with "I'm sure you are a nice guy but.." Although I wouldn't. Saying, "I am not the least bit attracted to you, your personality sucks, you're weird and awkward and more than a little bit creepy so I would never ever date you" --- see now that's a little mean.
ecm Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Not only because it's awkward with him hanging around, but over the past 2 days i've had similiar situations to deal with. I think I just need to tell everyone that I have a boyfriend even though I don't? I'm not really used to being single, so i'm having a little trouble turning guys down and figuring out what to say so that I don't get pursued without sounding like a b*tch. Hmmm... you are just out of a breakup and you are having trouble fighting the guys off? One you get rid of stalker boy, this could be fun. Take advantage of it. It's like an appetizer sampler, get a little taste (NOT LITERALLY) of everything and you don't have to really make a decision. IT's a good way to take your mind off of your ex and to maybe see that he was not that fabulous anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Erica, are you getting anything from this continued contact? If not, it's not too difficult to show indifference, if it's indifference you feel.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Stating what you mean very clearly is not mean at all. In fact it is quite the opposite. You do have to get to a point where you quit second guessing what you say because of how the other person with take it or feel. That is not your problem - that is their problem. You can be blunt and to the point without being evil. Saying, "I am not at all interested in you romantically" is not mean. You could even preface it with "I'm sure you are a nice guy but.." Although I wouldn't. Saying, "I am not the least bit attracted to you, your personality sucks, you're weird and awkward and more than a little bit creepy so I would never ever date you" --- see now that's a little mean. Oh, definitely!! I told him that i'm not ready to date anyone. And when he continued that one time, I clearly stated that 'We are friends'. I'm not too sure exactly how to be more clear. Of course, if he continues, for the sake of my sanity, i'm going to have to come straight out and explain that i'm not interested in dating him. I'm just trying to do everything I can so that it doesn't come to that point. I thought I was doing a fine job, I just don't think he really cares. That maybe if he keeps pushing i'll give in?? Which will not happen... if anything it'll just push me further away. Hmmm... you are just out of a breakup and you are having trouble fighting the guys off? One you get rid of stalker boy, this could be fun. Take advantage of it. It's like an appetizer sampler, get a little taste (NOT LITERALLY) of everything and you don't have to really make a decision. IT's a good way to take your mind off of your ex and to maybe see that he was not that fabulous anyway. I told my mom about the situation i'm in, and she looked at me with the most confused look on her face. She said "Erica, you are not getting any younger. Be grateful for what you are being handed. Don't settle for less, but by all means, don't close yourself off to being open minded." The only problem with this though, is that every guy I get approached by I compare to my ex. I've never done that before, and I think i'm only doing it now because the break up is so fresh. Instead of being flattered, I get annoyed. Harmless flirting is one thing, but some of these guys are just coming straight out on the first conversation and asking if i'd give them a chance at dating them. Maybe that's just a natural turn off for me? Ah, I don't know. I'm all confused. Erica, are you getting anything from this continued contact? If not, it's not too difficult to show indifference, if it's indifference you feel. I'm showing as much indifference as I can. I keep my answers short and to the point. Even if I have a lot to say, I keep it simple. The only problem is that I have to work with him, so no contact at all is virtually impossible.
Trialbyfire Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'm showing as much indifference as I can. I keep my answers short and to the point. Even if I have a lot to say, I keep it simple. The only problem is that I have to work with him, so no contact at all is virtually impossible.Good. Also, if he asks you for a personal opinion on something that's not work-related or is work-related but unrelated to you, just tell him that your opinion doesn't matter. Yes, I get that. You can be polite and civil, without being friendly, which means no contact outside of the workplace. If he tries to hit you up on IM, don't respond. If you look at his behaviour, you can pretty much guess why he's single.
Island Girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Oh, definitely!! I told him that i'm not ready to date anyone. You said you weren't ready -- implying that there would be a time when you WOULD be ready. So if he just sticks around and shows persistence then he will get his shot. You never -- ever -- use "I just got out of a relationship, I amd not ready to date" as your turn down line. It has to be clear: "I am not at all interested in you." Sometimes even more blunt: "I am not attracted to you nor do I ever want to go out with you".
Odyssey Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Erica. He says he understands? Well a good friend wouldn't get so defensive or make such a big deal about being friends. The only thing he understands is, he can keep pushing those boundaries with you. By the way, he so wants to make you date him, that's why he persists. He's not hearing YOU because he is too preoccupied by HIS own desire (call it tunnel vision). Infatuation, right? No probs...then playing games to get you jealous? What will he do next (start rumors)? You could keep on being distant with him (i agree. i would roll with this to begin with). Then you could be more clearer. You could just keep saying it nicely again and again. You could hold a mirror to his face (basically, call him out on the things, which you think he'd crossed the line). You could be blunt. You could avoid him. You could be a bitch. You could throw restraining order on him...uh, what's next? Throw a STOP sign on the guy and dance on his face?!? That is, if he crosses the line again. I hope that it doesn't come to that, because it's gonna make working with him even more awkward. Oh and...Good luck (seems you could do with some right now).
boogieboy Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Erica you cant avoid it for much longer, so at some point you will have to say the words 'im not interested in dating you", but its not mean, its the truth. You wont come across as a bitch. Guys really do appreciate it more when you are honest, and dont use them for friendship. So they wont think youre a bitch. Just make sure you get used to turning guys down. Talk to the guys all you want, but when they ask for your number you say "no thanks". Thats all you have to do. Then walk away if you can.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 Thanks for all the responses!! Tonight went well I think. You guys will get a kick out of this.... So it was really dead at the beginning of the night so we were all just standing around watching TV. The show we were watching, at one point, had a lady walking her dog and she was cleaning up after the dog. The guy was standing there watching it with us... and the most absurd thing came out of his mouth... "I would never clean up after my dog like that. That's beneath me." I looked at him and started laughing. All I could say was "Really?? That's beneath you??" I couldn't stop laughing. This guy is a total jerk!!!! As the night went on, there were a few things that really ticked me off. Nothing related to him. But I was also PMSing so it made things a million times worse. He came up to me and said something, and I snapped at him. I felt bad because after that he wouldn't come anywhere near me (not that that bothered me, what bothered me was what I did). So I apologized, but he still kept his distance. I really think he is getting it this time. We didn't say too much to eachother throughout the night. Now I have another question. Another guy that I work with had asked me if I wanted to go out with him and a few other people on Thursday night. I told him that I would if I got off of work early enough. He gave me his number and told me to call him. I got home very late, after the bars were closed, and figured they were done partying so I would just go home and go to sleep. Well, when I came into work today, one of the bartenders that stayed awhile after I left told me he actually called our job to see if I was still there. Now, he doesn't work for another week, and I feel bad because I probably should have called to say I wasn't going to be able to make it out. I'm going to give him a call tomorrow during the day to apologize. But i'm afraid that if the stalker guys catches wind of all this... he might begin rumors. I'm not 100% sure on how to go about this situation. The guy that I was talking about seems like a great, fun, intelligent, nice guy and i'm actually not at all turned off at the idea of hanging out with him. I'm not used to all of this. I feel like a kid all over again. I don't know what to do?
ecm Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Hi again, Erica. I'm not sure if you already called guy #2, but I would suggest NOT calling him. He told you to call him, but really it was about going out last night, right? So, you didn't go. Eh. I'd tell him you were tired when you see him at work. #1) You'll get to see if he, too, behaves like a little b*tch since you didn't call him #2) you'll look cooler...in case of the possibility that you could be interested in him. (Cooler?! I couldn't think of another word that fit...) Now, what would I do? If I were interested, I'd probably call him, if he didn't answer...call again. When we finally sopke, I'd talk sh*t about stalker & he'd see what a b*tch I am, then I'd have TWO guys who hate me at work.... In other words, don't be like me. (even though it's maybe exaggerated) Do you maybe like this second guy?
Author EricaH329 Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Hi again, Erica. I'm not sure if you already called guy #2, but I would suggest NOT calling him. He told you to call him, but really it was about going out last night, right? So, you didn't go. Eh. I'd tell him you were tired when you see him at work. #1) You'll get to see if he, too, behaves like a little b*tch since you didn't call him #2) you'll look cooler...in case of the possibility that you could be interested in him. (Cooler?! I couldn't think of another word that fit...) Now, what would I do? If I were interested, I'd probably call him, if he didn't answer...call again. When we finally sopke, I'd talk sh*t about stalker & he'd see what a b*tch I am, then I'd have TWO guys who hate me at work.... In other words, don't be like me. (even though it's maybe exaggerated) Do you maybe like this second guy? You're awesome ecm!!! Ok, so I haven't called him yet. I was going to do it tomorrow since I didn't have to work and maybe see if he was up for hanging out. He is the type of guy I would date. And I totally understand what you mean by not calling him, to seem lax about it all, but the thing is... I don't want to come off as uninterested completely. He went as far as calling our job asking for me (which had the bartender asking a million questions haha you know how they can be nosey), so I just want to casually apologize and explain, and then maybe see if he wanted to hang out this week instead. Another thing... tonight at work was awesome. I had an awesome night, up until the veryyyy very end, when me and stalker guy got into a petty arguement. Not even worth mentioning here, but at the end of everything he apologized for acting the way he has been acting. He explained that he notices that i've been distancing myself from him, and he doesn't want to make it seem as though we can't be just friends. That if that's what I want then he is more than happy to do that. We went further into that convo, but he has me convinced. He hasn't been doing anything lately to show me otherwise, so we'll see how this goes.
ecm Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Erica- why thank you "He is the type of guy I would date. And I totally understand what you mean by not calling him, to seem lax about it all, but the thing is... I don't want to come off as uninterested completely." I am the same way. We think if we don't let them know, they'll lose interest, right? We want to be "nice" and "honest". We want to let them know how we feel, so they're not wondering, right? Wrong. They love that sh*t. Tell him at work (if you're smart.) Like I've said before said, I would NEVER wait. I am the smartest DUMMY you will ever meet. I know what to do, and don't do it. Fast forward to what your life will look like if you continue to be a "nice girl" like me.... I'm 35 and single. I just got dumped by the man I thought was it for me. He is 31 year olds, unbelievably hot, but a commitment phobe. I think I have all the skills (and assets- although I could lose a few pounds) to have a fabulous man, and a fabulous relationship. Yet what am I doing on a Sunday afternoon? Instead of lying in bed all day being fed breakfast in bed by my dream man, I'm sitting at my desk trying to decide whether I should clean my kitchen or fold my laundry first. Sounds fun, right? What do you appreciate more: choice 1) a plastic purse from Walmart that you can go in and afford any day of the week? or 2) the fabulous new Gucci satchel that you can MAYBE buy as soon as you pick-up a few extra shifts ? So, think about it. And stalker guy is only trying to make you think you can be friends so you'll let him back in. Ick. No. Or, try it.... then we can start a whole new thread called "I told you so"
Author EricaH329 Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Ok so I decided to take your advice and not call him. But... I did find him on facebook and sent him a message on there. I think that's a little more casual. I'm not really worried about stalker guy, there isn't much he can do really, especially if I keep my distance. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. But if it makes you feel any better, i'm 22 and i'm sitting at home on a Sunday trying to decide whether to watch a movie by myself or redecorate my room.
ecm Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Erica- always redecorate. Duh! watch HGTV- get some ideas...THEN redecorate your room AHHHH! Facebook is the devil. So addicting- but this has taken over as #1 addiction for sure. Good luck! I wanna hear if you have any more drama with that weirdo. I think if people come into your life for a reason...he is there to teach you a lesson on why NC is good. People ask for space... the worst thing we can do is not give it to them right? Look what happened when he didn't give you yours ttyl
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