EricaH329 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I am literally cringing right now at the fact that I am posting a thread in the dating forum. My ex and I just broke up a week and a half ago, and I am no where near being ready to date again. I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. I need some answers as to what I should do!! There's this guy at work (I know, I know) and he asked to hang out on Sunday. We went to a bar to watch the game and we talked a lot. He asked me a lot about my past, and I made sure to explain to him that I just got out of a serious relationship and i'm not ready to begin dating again. I made suuurrre that I told him that. And he told me he understands. At the end of the night, I told him to give me a call sometime (as a friendly goodbye). He said that I should call him, since he was the one who called me first (keeping tabs? Not good...). So the next day I get a call from him around 7 PM. He went on about how I told him I would call him and I didn't (even though I was under the impression that sometime meant sometime as opposed to the next day), so he decided to call me. We talked for a little bit and he asked if I wanted to go out to lunch today. I told him sure, and to give me a call. Today comes, and I wake up with terrible cramps. I call him to let him know that I don't feel up for doing anything, and that i'm sorry. He went into how I can go to his place and hang out if I wanted, and that I shouldn't BS him. (At this point, i'm wondering what the hell he is talking about, since i've already made it clear that i'm not interested in anything even semi-serious). I said very clearly "We are friends. I have no reason to BS you. I don't feel good, and i'm sorry that I don't feel up for hanging out." He responded with "I like how you threw out there that we are friends. Thanks for making that clear and letting me know. Like I wasn't already clear on that." He's gotten a little aggrevated when i've brought something like that up before... maybe it's because i'm pushing it on him?? I forgot to mention that while we were out at the bar, he tried to hold my hand a few times and he even asked to kiss me a couple of times. I feel like I need to push it on him as much as I can because it doesn't seem as if he is really getting it. Sorry if this thread is all over the place, I just don't know what to do? He's a cool guy to hang out with and be friends with, but I don't know how to handle a situation like this. Any ideas??
boogieboy Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 he wants to date you, so you cant be friends with him. As long as you hang out with him, he assumes that he should keep trying no matter what you say. He will never want to be friends, So you will have to accept that he will only keep trying, and thats why hes hanging out with you. He wants you as a girlfriend, not as a friend. If you cannot handle his advances, cut him off.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 he wants to date you, so you cant be friends with him. As long as you hang out with him, he assumes that he should keep trying no matter what you say. He will never want to be friends, So you will have to accept that he will only keep trying, and thats why hes hanging out with you. He wants you as a girlfriend, not as a friend. If you cannot handle his advances, cut him off. I was afraid that's what it was going to come down to. Since I work with him though, it'd be awkward to completely cut him off. He's not the shy type, he will bluntly ask me what's going on. I wish I had never agreed to hanging out with him. I work at a bar, so the people I hang out with go out all the time and hang out together, I didn't think it would be a big deal. I didn't realize this was his intention. Ugh, this is the last thing I need to be worrying about right now. This sucks!!
ecm Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 He sounds way too high maintenance. If you even were interested in him, would you even put up with that bickering after hanging out so few times? It sound like you made yourself clear. AND it sounds like you made yourself even clearER when he tried to push it. I would tell him you're dealing with a breakup and that his acting like a little b*tch (okay maybe don't say that) is making you more stressed than you already were. You obviously have different personalities.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 He sounds way too high maintenance. If you even were interested in him, would you even put up with that bickering after hanging out so few times? It sound like you made yourself clear. AND it sounds like you made yourself even clearER when he tried to push it. I would tell him you're dealing with a breakup and that his acting like a little b*tch (okay maybe don't say that) is making you more stressed than you already were. You obviously have different personalities. Oh, I know! To be honest, i'm not quite sure why he is trying to pursue this still, we don't have much of anything in common, and when it comes to opinions... we don't agree on anything. I put myself into a situation that I don't know how to get out of! I tried to make it very clear what my intentions are... and he seems to brush it off. I have to see him when I go to work every day, and the days he isn't working, he comes in to talk to everyone that is working. This is a mess!
ecm Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He sounds kind of creepy. You have done everything you need to do. Based on what you've said, you didn't lead him on, so you don't owe him any explanation. Do you even really like him as a friend? If so, then maybe tell him if he wants to continue being friends, you'll hang out in a group...IF he stops with the creepiness. If not, who cares? You don't owe him anything.
boogieboy Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Actually I think you DO owe him an explanation. Because the first question he would ask is this : "If you were never interested in me, why did you agree to come with me?" Well its a stupid question, cuz he shouldve backed off, but even after you explained to him that you werent ready to be in a relationship, you hung out with him anyway. Dont you know new guys dont ask you out just to be friends? I know youre not that naive, you knew he liked you. You should have said the truth to him which was: Im not interested in a relationship with YOU, and will never be. So you have to tell him this now so he will back off.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He sounds controlling. First the phone call that you said "sometime" and he got pissy that you didn't call him according to his schedule. Then getting ticked when all you did was say that you were friends, you didn't have a reason to BS him. Sounds to me like he has feelings and DOES want more. Otherwise, I didn't see any reason to get pissy about the use of the word "friend." His behavior would be a turn off to me. And I mean even as a friend.
ecm Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Boogie boy: its not really a "new guy" if they work together. I used to work at a restaurant/ bar and lots of us hung out after work. Is Erica supposed to say "I'm not going to want to be in a relationship" with everyone she might hang out with? I think that would make her look like a chooch, no?? She didn't say she knew he liked her until AFTER they hung out. Am I wrong, Erica? Regardless, even if she went out with him thinking she MIGHT like him, he sounds like he ignored the obvious signals she put out. To me, he sounds like someone who would eventually be controlling and/ or abusive. He sounds like he was already trying after one platonic evening. Ick. RUN! He's skeeving me out and I don't even know him OR you, Erica.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Well, when we first got to talking he explained to me that he had just recently moved to the area and didn't know anyone. He said he is always really bored and wants to meet people to hang out with. I assumed that him asking me to hang out was for that purpose. When we actually hung out though, I started to get a different vibe, which is when I made it a point to let him know that i'm not ready to date again.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 His behavior would be a turn off to me. And I mean even as a friend. Exactly. At this point, i'm not even sure that I want to remain friends with him. He is wayyy too pushy. If i'm online and we are talking, if I don't answer right away he asks me a million questions about what i'm doing and that he'll leave me alone since i'm too busy to talk. I just don't know how to go about this situation since I work with him and have to see him a lot. This is awkward and uncomfortable. I'm kicking myself for ever going out with him.
Maxwell Sage Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Whoa. This guy sounds as though he's very insecure and somewhat aggressive. If he's like this one the first date, imagine how he'd be down the line! Run! Plus, refusing to respect your boundaries is probably the biggest red flag in existence.
boogieboy Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Bottom line Erica, unless youre with a few friends, dont hang out with a guy one on one unless you like him. You know when a guy likes you. Single guys arent looking to hang with a new woman unless its a date. So no more exchanging phone numbers with guys you arent attracted to.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I think he finally got it!! I was at work today and he came in for a few beers. He was talking to the bartender about this girl that he was going to meet up with the wholllle night! He asked me how he looks, and what the bar he is going to is like. Although he was trying to play it off like he didn't really care by saying things like "I don't even know if I want to go." and yet he was talking about it the whole time . Anyway, i'm glad he finally understands.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Bottom line Erica, unless youre with a few friends, dont hang out with a guy one on one unless you like him. You know when a guy likes you. Single guys arent looking to hang with a new woman unless its a date. So no more exchanging phone numbers with guys you arent attracted to. Lesson learned!
Author EricaH329 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 And now he's scheming.. he's trying to make you jealous by talking about some other girl. This guy seems like such a tool! Anyway, glad it's working out in your favor. Good luck! Ah, I spoke too soon when I wrote that. I think you are right. He got home from the bar and got online and started talking to me. At first he was telling me how good looking I am, and then he went into how awesome I am. Now, this is where I get completely confused. We rarely agreed on anything. Half of the time, I found us bickering! I feel absolutely no connection or compatibility with him what-so-ever. I feel slightly guilty saying this, but even though me and my ex recently broke up, I wouldn't completely blow off a guy that I felt a strong connection with. But this guy... ugh. Nothing there at all. Usually you can feel the lack of attraction on the other persons part. I have a feeling this might be an on-going thing. I'm trying to keep my distance from him as much I can. Keeping our conversations short, and when i'm at work, acting a million times busier than I really am so I don't have to get into a big conversation with him.
Island Girl Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I think he finally got it!! I was at work today and he came in for a few beers. He was talking to the bartender about this girl that he was going to meet up with the wholllle night! He asked me how he looks, and what the bar he is going to is like. Although he was trying to play it off like he didn't really care by saying things like "I don't even know if I want to go." and yet he was talking about it the whole time . Anyway, i'm glad he finally understands. Be forewarned -- he may still NOT get it. He could be thinking he's making you jealous and wants to by talking about all of that. Just do not chat with him or answer his calls. If you do he may misinterpret that as you being interested again (he sounds dense and focused). IF he does call or contact, the next time you see him at the bar you tell him, "Look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression at all but I do not want any kind of relationship with you." Blunt and to the point. And yes you are saying you may have given the wrong impression - even though you haven't - but that gives him an 'out' so he can just move on instead of trying to rehash what you did or didn't do before that gave him permission to start hounding you the way he has. Edit: I see he didn't move on. *sigh* And Erica - just an FYI - what you felt was bickering HE thought was sexual tension. He is one of those scary guys that views the world and people in it from the weird observation bubble. He doesn't see or hear things accurately. He sees and hears things as he wants them not as they really are. Bad Bad Bad
ecm Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 And now he's scheming.. he's trying to make you jealous by talking about some other girl. This guy seems like such a tool! Anyway, glad it's working out in your favor. Good luck! I was going to say "no way" when I read that you thought he got it...then I read this whole page. He was definitely tying to make you jealous. Ick, again. I think you definitely need to tell him something to tryto make it clear. "I tried to be friends with you. I tried to tell you that I don't see you like that. Since you don't get it, I can't be friends with you. If you try to call me, I won't respond. This is not me playing hard to get." Really, I went out once with a guy who was similar and I went from being honest from the minute I knew (he didn't get it)....to annoyed (still nothing) to basically telling him "if I wanted to date someone like you, I'd be a lesbian!" (don't jump down my throat before you read on, b/c I have not 1 but 2 gay siblings-so it's not a 'gay' comment...I just mean that he acts like a girl). He finally got it. So, good luck. Ick. Gag.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 aaahh yes the ol unrequited love scenario lol. Haven't we all experienced this. Thing is, this sort of intimacy drives some insane i.e your "new BF". This guy seems veeery aggressive and manipulative, so I would distance from him. He uses your words/actions against you. The thing is, he thinks your interested because you agree to things he asks of you (which he does very underhandedly, 'hang out' 'couple of beers') and when you back off and tell him its only for friendly banter, he thinks your still wounded from your past, but you'll come around eventually. Will you?? He's not very upfront with his intentions because HE WANTS YOU BAD. P.S: This is also a trick employed by PUA's (I'm not saying he is) I read somewhere from PUA material-going under the radar, so be careful. How do you feel about him? You said he's cool to hang out with, but, you have to understand he's also very interested in you making it very difficult for him to be friends with you. Any sign of reciprocity from you will make him think your interested. Some suggestions: Keeping things civil at work and distancing are usually enough to make him get it. Not agreeing to any alone time for you two, even IM. Flat out tell him your not interested in dating him, even if it means over and over again (your actions have to match it too so no alone time).
boogieboy Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Ah, I spoke too soon when I wrote that. I think you are right. He got home from the bar and got online and started talking to me. At first he was telling me how good looking I am, and then he went into how awesome I am. Now, this is where I get completely confused. We rarely agreed on anything. Half of the time, I found us bickering! I feel absolutely no connection or compatibility with him what-so-ever. I feel slightly guilty saying this, but even though me and my ex recently broke up, I wouldn't completely blow off a guy that I felt a strong connection with. But this guy... ugh. Nothing there at all. Usually you can feel the lack of attraction on the other persons part. I have a feeling this might be an on-going thing. I'm trying to keep my distance from him as much I can. Keeping our conversations short, and when i'm at work, acting a million times busier than I really am so I don't have to get into a big conversation with him. I tried to tell ya! Well now you really have to tell him straight up like IG said. You can ignore him on the phone and IM, but he will come up to you at the bar, so you have to tell him to his face that he has to stop pushing on you, that you will never be interested. That way you can hang with friends again and it shouldnt be TOO awkward. You dont have to feel guilty about it! He wont be hurt, he's a guy, he knows how to take rejection, but you cant hint around, you have to tell him the truth. The longer you wait, the harder it gets for you to tell him. You cant let a friend do it either, it has to come from you.
Author EricaH329 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I'm curious as to what PUA means also?? So far, the past couple of days have been alright. He came into work yesterday (not working, just for a few beers) and acted surprised to see me working, even though I had told him a few days prior that I was working all week. I didn't talk to him, I was honestly busy this time, and he ended up leaving without me even realizing. He hasn't been calling, or IMing me. I don't want to jump to conclusions and think he won't come after me still, but so far so good!! I work with him tonight though. I will definitely post back when I get home. This is going to be uncomfortable.
ecm Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 He was NOT surprised to see you working. Duh! He went BECAUSE you were working. So obvious. Why would anyone who works with anyone be SURPRISED to see them WHERE THEY WORK? Erica- you sound like a very nice and trusting person...snap out of it!
Author EricaH329 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 He was NOT surprised to see you working. Duh! He went BECAUSE you were working. So obvious. Why would anyone who works with anyone be SURPRISED to see them WHERE THEY WORK? Erica- you sound like a very nice and trusting person...snap out of it! Ok ok, I didn't really see it from that aspect. I know that he comes into work all the time when he doesn't have to work, that's actually how we first met. He doesn't really know many people in the area, so he comes into work to talk to the people he does know. But you just made a very valid point. But anyway, I love where I work... the atmosphere is awesome. But, i've been seriously considering trying to get another job. Not only because it's awkward with him hanging around, but over the past 2 days i've had similiar situations to deal with. I think I just need to tell everyone that I have a boyfriend even though I don't? I'm not really used to being single, so i'm having a little trouble turning guys down and figuring out what to say so that I don't get pursued without sounding like a b*tch.
Island Girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 i'm having a little trouble turning guys down and figuring out what to say so that I don't get pursued without sounding like a b*tch. Who cares if they think you sound like a b*tch?? Honestly most guys would prefer that than to some wishy washy excuse sounding reply that may end up unintentionally leading them on. Get used to saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Learn it and Love it. Be all about it. Start being what is called a "Straight Shooter". Your life will be less complicated and it feels A LOT better than then that creepy guilty feeling you get when you constantly are put in awkward situations like you are RIGHT NOW with this Wanna-Be-Your-Boyfriend guy.
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