feelrealempty Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sunday he was nice as he broke my heart. Lastnight misserable to me. Tonight he picked up the kids and decided he needed to call and ask a question. That turned into ten min conversation about things I had or needed from the house. He was nice I finally said I has to go and hung up. It's almost easier when he's mean. Why be nice, I don't want to talk to you. Scary part is I do but it hurts. Ughhhh my counslor is in for it tonight he doesn't know what's coming.
trippi1432 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sunday he was nice as he broke my heart. Lastnight misserable to me. Tonight he picked up the kids and decided he needed to call and ask a question. That turned into ten min conversation about things I had or needed from the house. He was nice I finally said I has to go and hung up. It's almost easier when he's mean. Why be nice, I don't want to talk to you. Scary part is I do but it hurts. Ughhhh my counslor is in for it tonight he doesn't know what's coming. Hi Feel, glad to see you are back and posting. This is how it is going to go for a couple of weeks at least...if you are lucky. You just need to go total no contact with him about the relationship. If you need to discuss the kids, only do that and nothing else. If he wants to discuss anything, defer it....tell him you need to be alone with your thoughts and are working on you for the kids. Talking about the relationship right now while things are so tense between the two of you is just going to cause you more angst and hurt emotions...not where you need to be given the problems you are working on. I go back to an earlier question, I've seen from other posts that he drinks as well. He's not supported you trying to quit by restocking the bar and other things...were you both on equal footing in the drinking issue...did he just drink casually...etc. Reason why I am asking is because I'm trying to figure out if you had the problem before the marriage or if you developed a "can't beat 'em, join 'em attitude". I've known men and women of alcoholics who have done just this. It's hard being on either side of the situation, one has to be the "parent" and tries to fix the alcoholic (my issue) or gives in to the addiction. Hang in there and please keep posting. Hugs!
Author feelrealempty Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Hello again and thank you for your responses. I gives me something to look for at the end of a long day. As far as the drinking on his part yes we always drank together socially with out it ever being a real prob, Until over maybe the last six to eight months when I started drinking at home at night and it just got worse. I did recognize it and started couseling to better myself. Everytime this happens (I say this because we've broken up several times in the past) he starts with his serious drinking among other things that I would have never approved of then he gets really depressed and comes back begging for my forgiveness. So to answer your ? Yes I guess he always drank with me but I;m the one that developed the habit. I say habit because I am surprisingly ok with not drinking right now I dont think about it. I did see my counselor lastnight and spent the rest of the night looking up relationship or love addiction along with narsassitic personality and emotional abuse. I think Ive come to terms with the fact it all sounded way to familiar for me,atleast for today I feel like I need to break away from the feeling that I need to be with him. I need to work on only me and me being happy with me alone. Ive been part of this onesided partnership for so long I forgot who I am alone. Oh and codependency was another thing I was reading about. All that I read explains alot, me feeling like I need to stay with him even if I ask myself what do I really feel for him I think I love him but I dont know if I just feel the need to be with him so Im not alone, if I feel its right for the kids, if Im afraid financially, if I will miss the house and family vacations. None of those things are me missing the way he made me feel about myself, or the way he treated me or disrespected me, degraded my opinions, and never helped me with the kids or around the house. (thats just to name a few). I think the codependecy part comes in when he comes back crying or threaten to leave town or does too many drugs and shows up on my door (all of which he;s done in the past) and I cant turn away I want to help I cant watch him hurt. Whats got me crazy now is that after everything I just rambled on about part of me still hopes he comes back, the other part of me is wondering if he did would I be able to stay away....... Sorry for going on and on and on and I dont really even know if it all made sense but it just kept coming..... Thanks again for listening and being there,,,,,,,,
trippi1432 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Hi there Feel, you are doing the right thing by working on yourself and staying away from the habit...you need to do that to be strong for the kids. I think you already know that. There is nothing you can do to "fix" him and truly, there's nothing he can do to "fix" you. It sounds like you are both co-dependent on each other in a way. Somebody has to break that circle and create a healthy environment for the kids. Something I wish I had done about 10 years ago for mine. Co-dependency is scary, and it creeps up on you....you don't even realize you are in that deep until someone rocks the boat. I actually came across a good site for recognizing co-dependent behaviors, maybe you have already seen this....http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php Growing up, I knew that most people in my family were social drinkers. I drink socially, but also recognized that I started to develop a "can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude about a year ago, recognized it and corrected it. It's actually very easy to go over that fence from social drinker to full blown alcoholic if you let it be your crutch. Our son once asked me "Mom, why is it that you can drink (wine or a mixed drink) and you don't get like Dad?" Some people just have a very low tolerance to alcohol, but you can tell them this all day long....they are powerless to stop doing it and you are powerless to stop them as well. When you add other "recreational" drugs to the mix...well, that spells disaster. There will always be a part that misses that person in your life, but you might find that apart, you are both better people and better parents....so far, that is how mine is turning out...hopefully it will keep going that way (finger's crossed). Keep posting, stay strong and keep working on yourself. Hugs!
Author feelrealempty Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 trippi thank you so much I will check out that site in the morning.. One thing I wanted to add is he has always claimed he doesnt have an addictive bone in his body and he has always stpd whatever thing he tried but he is always so quick to prove what an addictive personality I have. I know he's right and thats something that I need to work on and I need to start treating him and our very long and painful relationship as my number one addiction and take it one day at a time. Thank you again,,,, Hugs to you also.......
trippi1432 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 trippi thank you so much I will check out that site in the morning.. One thing I wanted to add is he has always claimed he doesnt have an addictive bone in his body and he has always stpd whatever thing he tried but he is always so quick to prove what an addictive personality I have. I know he's right and thats something that I need to work on and I need to start treating him and our very long and painful relationship as my number one addiction and take it one day at a time. Thank you again,,,, Hugs to you also....... OMG!! You need to read my thread....yeah...my husband isn't an addict either and much better off now that he isn't with me anymore....not that he wasn't an alcoholic before he met me. Anyone who falls down stairs and almost bleeds to death before anyone even notices him missing or someone who wakes up naked on a lawnchair on a frigid winter morning is just a fun person to have around....hmmm, at someone else's expense...not his own....oh, the flipping fun of dealing with someone so much fun. It's a long road and I back-slid tonight in an effort of intervention that just wasn't worth my time.....take my advice...don't try to save him....run! Pull yourself out of the pit that was created from the relationship....easier said than done I know.
Author feelrealempty Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 Trip I just posted on your thread.. Today has been really rough for me. I keep thinking of things I couldve shouldve been done better or different. I did start reading Codependency No More (I think thats the name lol) I got a compliment this morning and I got in his vehicle and cried all the way to work. ( who does that) I think I did because I didnt take care of myself then (hair makeup etc etc) I know that really bothered him so getting compliments for doing it now from other plp made me think damn if I only took better care of myself maybe this wouldnt have happened. Yet now Im thinking about it and Im doing it now to try and make myself feel better. I think that all the emo abuse he put me through changed me for the worst. I fell into a rutt. Forgot what it felt like to feel good about me. Started drinking too much. Felt worse about myself. Lost any interest in what wasnt a very healty sex life to begin with. (do to feeling bad about myself) (not because it was ever bad) all though saying that now I am realizing that the lack of affection on his part and past cheating and porn experiences maybe I just never felt good enough for him. Wow sorry just thinking out loud again......... Ive been doing that all day along with back and forth with the blame game. I wanted so badly today to beg for him back, which is something I never do and he always does, but I guess you could say that I some what did that for the first two weeks when I was taking all the blame because I drank as a result of him hurting my again (not an excuse I know) but I do truley think in his mind it was already over and an easy out. Again surprisingly I have only drank to excess once in the last 2+ months and it been 3 weeks since I have at all. Again Im really thinking it was a way of me coping with being alone all the time even when tech. speaking I wasnt... WAKE UPPPPPPPP So today has consisted of me blaming myself, wanting to talk to him again(but not) and doing alot of rationalizing in my own head... Big question still is why do I keep hoping he'll come back AGAIN? And why does it hurt so bad to think of never being what I had dreamed of being???????? Long night ahead I can tell................ Sorry for the rambling I think I needed that (off the shoulders)
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