Tired1003 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm in my 3rd marriage. I am very in love with my husband...or as in love as I can be with him considering that I've decided that I will never trust him. We're both mature adults. We're empty-nesters now and extremely compatible. Our life together is wonderful.....except for this HUGE elephant. I married him less than a year ago. He cheated on me about a year before that. In the most hurtful manner possible. Despite the cheating with particular person, there was at least one other person that he carried on with. Looking back now, I can see so clearly what a huge mistake marrying him has been. The cheating happened over 2 years ago. I literally felt like I had been kicked in the gut...literally. It was a physically painful experience when I found out. But this post isn't about the cheating. It's about me not trusting him, and it's about me not being over it. I cannot get OVER it. And I swear I think he deliberately feeds my insecurities. He tells me constantly that he loves me. He is ALWAYS home when he's supposed to be. He loves me...there's no doubt he loves me. But...we've talked about his boundary issues with other women so many times that I can't even bring myself to start another conversation about it. He does what I call "trolling" and he does it with single women. Single women who work for him. He's a friendly, charismatic man, I'll admit to that. But when your wife is struggling with insecurity, why add to her burden? I've never experienced insecurity like this. I am SO AFRAID of getting gut kicked again. I know him...he starts these harmless little text/phone chatting sessions, and then it turns into something that has the potential to break us. How do I make him understand what he's doing? How do I make myself lose the fear and either fix this, or leave? Can I "demand" that he have NO non-professional-related contact with women that aren't family, or that we're both friends with? Is that fair of me?
Tony T Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Trust is like virginity. Once lost it can never be regained. I am deeply sorry you decided to go ahead and marry this gentleman after he betrayed you twice. The problem is clearly yours not his and the solution cannot come from us, only you. There is no magic word we can give you to restore you trust in him...if you ever even had it. Did you just want to be married really bad. If so, you got your wish. You can't demand that he do or not do anything, just like you can't demand that a dog not ever bark. If you even have to tell him stuff like that, you need to get out of his life. If you want to cut your losses, scoot on down the road. Regaining trust in someone who screwed you over twice is something even the gods would have a problem doing.
Miad's Princess Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Can I "demand" that he have NO non-professional-related contact with women that aren't family, or that we're both friends with? Is that fair of me? Of course you can, that should be obvious He CHEATED on you....and he should be doing everything to gain your trust back. BUT he isn't and from what you have said about his actions since the affair/flings, seems like he will continue No matter how hard you try alone to trust him, you never will until he proves he is trustworthy!
VegMidori Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Ugh. I'm really sorry you are going through this, and although you know you shouldn't have married him, that doesn't make it easy to decide what to do now. Divorcing is a legitimate option. I very rarely recommend it, since I take promises seriously, but if he isn't acting married, he shouldn't get to be married on paper, either. Other options: try to enjoy an open marriage (for you, too) or seek counseling, and don't give up until you find a counsellor who is right for you. Above all, be honest with each other. He should possibly seek sex addiction support, too. If you don't mind my asking, what are "boundary issues" in this sense, and what is "trolling"? I have some vague idea of what these things mean, but I don't know how far to take them. I assume that he is flirting with the single women who work with him, and that is gross. It's a violation of not only your marriage, but of the employees' right to a harassment-free workplace. If it's beyond flirting, then it's even worse. In terms of a man having female friends, I generally don't have a problem with that, but yes, they should be your friends, too. I don't mean that they should previously have been your friends, but they are your friends, now. That's how my husband and I treat our friends. If there is a social event, we are both invited, period, though we don't both always have to go. If your husband knows he has a problem, he should be the first to volunteer to avoid tempting situations, or situations that make you uncomfortable.
Author Tired1003 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 "The problem is clearly yours not his and the solution cannot come from us, only you." That's the conclusion I'm very painfully arriving at. Why have I set myself up to be a victim here. And you're right....trust IS like virginity.
Author Tired1003 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Boundary issues....tickling another woman, overtly flirting, being available to women to talk, help, etc., to the point that an attachment forms. And the "trolling" that he does - well, it seems like he just "innocently" will send a text, or call, and if the text/call is responded to, that text/call leads to personal conversation, which leads to more personal conversation. Trolling for a female willing to be in contact with him, a married man.
2sure Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Boundary issues....tickling another woman, overtly flirting, being available to women to talk, help, etc., to the point that an attachment forms. And the "trolling" that he does - well, it seems like he just "innocently" will send a text, or call, and if the text/call is responded to, that text/call leads to personal conversation, which leads to more personal conversation. Trolling for a female willing to be in contact with him, a married man. Oh boy. Listen to me carefully. He IS cheating, which is why you are not "over" it and why you are insecure, and why you dont trust him. The things you describe are NOT boundary issues - they are a betrayal, they are infidelity. YOU are trying to believe ...probably what he is telling you: His actions are harmless! YOU have the problem. We're just friends. PLEASE: Look up the term GASLIGHTING.
joybean72 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Completely agree with 2sure. (((((((((((((Hugs Tired1003)))))))))))) This is NO way to live. Look up "Narcissist" while you are at it.
Author Tired1003 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I've struggled so much with the mind-bending insecurity. Wondering is it ME? Am I crazy to have a problem with these things? Last Saturday night we were home watching a football game. We both sent out our usual "Go Team!" texts to frirends and family. Well, in getting his responses he mentioned to me that "Brenda" was actually at the game. I asked him why he was texting his employees? He got defensive, told me that they talk about football so there was nothing wrong with sending her a text while she's at the game. Turns out that apparently they had not talked about this particular game, because her response to whatever he had texted her was, "How did you know I was at the game?" So he had initiated, out of the blue, that contact with her. And to a single female, in my opinion, that signals interest. The insecurity has not only caused a lack of confidence in myself as a woman....now it's caused a lack of confidence in my opinions and my judgements, and it's maddening. It's definitely no way to live.
Miad's Princess Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 The insecurity has not only caused a lack of confidence in myself as a woman....now it's caused a lack of confidence in my opinions and my judgements, and it's maddening. It's definitely no way to live. You are right it is no way to live, and you don't have to put up with this sh*t. You deserve so much better, your self esteem is being knocked around big time, it's a shame because until you have the strength to leave him, you will put up with it.
Phedre Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Maybe you married him because you do love him and feel he loves you and.. you didn't want to be wrong again. You said you would forgive him for the A and hey, doesn't that mean that if he didn't mess up (in an obvious to him manner) that you had to get married... IMO you need to accept that you made a mistake in marrying him and that you know in your heart and head that he isn't going to change. No way would I be okay with the constant boundary testing, which is why I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer tomorrow. I too married the guy that cheated on me, I got 'over' it, but dealt consantly with his never ending need to 'just' flirt with other women and it led to him cheating again, this time online. It sucks so much because I do love him and believe he loves me as much as he can in his f'ed up way, but i know I don't want to always have to worry about myspace or text messages. I hope you are able to soon decide what you want to do, the limbo inbetween what you are going to do is almost worse that anything else. Just settling on a path will make you feel at least a bit better. IMO, you need to divorce him. I'm sorry.
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