NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 although i think just doing NC after the breakup sends a more powerful message to the breaker, for me telling the ex i was doing NC has made it easier for me, and somewhat empowered me. with just doing NC and u havent gotten all ur feelings out, i feel u are more likely to break NC and when u do, u dont say everything u want b/c ure trying to be NC and your emotional and your hoping the other person changed their mind and your just trying to feel them out. but if u say ur peace and then say, im not going to contact you, you know where i stand, etc...now you have the power and the respect and the ball is in their court as well as you can start to move on feeling some closure or whatever. idk just some thoughts. opinions welcome.
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I agree with warning them. As you said to get to talk our how YOU feel. You find a release. Also you are showing the ex some respect, which I think is important. Even if they hurt you, you are showing you are a decent person. Furthermore I think it makes the ex less likely to contact you/email/ring you - tempt you to break NC (if they respect you that is!) Also if you leave it with something like, I will speak to you when I can be friends or contact me only if you want this, then you aren't truly closing the door. You are letting them understand how it is, and then moving on for yourself.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I told my ex about me going NC three times and I ended up breaking them each time. This is the fourth time and I haven't said anything to her specifically. I just told her that I needed to tell her something, but she had to sleep before I could. I just blocked and deleted her without saying anything else. I feel guilty, but I don't really want to break NC again just to tell her what's going on.
Beeotch Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I agree that u should say what they have to say THEN go NC. NC is not a test of endurance or who can pretend to not care the longest...which I think is what some people believe. They don't contact this person but think about them and mull over things daily. I think that every break up should be an open floor to discuss your feelings and put things on the table. The begging, pleading and CONSTANT harassment is what should be avoided...but saying how you feel or discussing things is what is healthy and normal. If your ex is in the mind set to speak to you...then you should speak...or write out an email. Give yourself a time to ask what you need and want to ask and say what you need to say THEN leave it alone. You're doing that for your sake and not your exs. I do not regret emailing my ex or asking questions...what I do regret is being available, still having sex and continuously trying to get answers (I do blame him for not answering certain things hence me asking time and again ). For the future (although if I have it my way I don't want another break up) I will tell my ex that I am going to need one day where we talk and I say everything and vice-versa and then after wards is when I will leave it alone. NC is just preventing you from over and over and over again rehashing things as well as being strung along. That is all. So it should be done IMO once you have gotten preliminary things out of the way.
Author NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I agree that u should say what they have to say THEN go NC. NC is not a test of endurance or who can pretend to not care the longest...which I think is what some people believe. They don't contact this person but think about them and mull over things daily. I think that every break up should be an open floor to discuss your feelings and put things on the table. The begging, pleading and CONSTANT harassment is what should be avoided...but saying how you feel or discussing things is what is healthy and normal. If your ex is in the mind set to speak to you...then you should speak...or write out an email. Give yourself a time to ask what you need and want to ask and say what you need to say THEN leave it alone. You're doing that for your sake and not your exs. I do not regret emailing my ex or asking questions...what I do regret is being available, still having sex and continuously trying to get answers (I do blame him for not answering certain things hence me asking time and again ). For the future (although if I have it my way I don't want another break up) I will tell my ex that I am going to need one day where we talk and I say everything and vice-versa and then after wards is when I will leave it alone. NC is just preventing you from over and over and over again rehashing things as well as being strung along. That is all. So it should be done IMO once you have gotten preliminary things out of the way. agreed. i was always breaking NC every 4 days or 7 days or 10 days then 2 days. but i couldnt figure out why. and it was truly because i didnt say everything i had to. now that i did i feel like i can move on with NC and not stare at my phone all day.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 What if your ex refuses to discuss things or at least discuss things entirely and just stops whenever it gets to a point where she feels uncomfortable?
Author NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 What if your ex refuses to discuss things or at least discuss things entirely and just stops whenever it gets to a point where she feels uncomfortable? send her an email. she will read it. if u dont get a reply, well that kinda will suck b/c u wont know if she read it. but i would guess thats the best bet.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I was going to do that, but a friend of mine told me to wait 1 or 2 months until things are neutral between us =/
Author NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 if its eating u up inside (and i dont know your situation at all) i would do it sooner then later. cause those months your going to break at one point and that stuff will eat u up. i think. idk im new at this...
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh, you can read my topics to get my story =x http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=10643781 Long read though. It is eating me up inside, but I'll never get to say all that I want. There is always more that I want to say. What's bothering me is that she doesn't seem to care at all and it makes my efforts pointless =/
Author NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 i would say type out a long meaningful email. thats what i did because every time i saw or called her my emotions would take me out of the situation. i sent it last night ( in the letter i explained how i was going NC) and the response i got wasn't i want you back; but it was Im sorry i know that mustve taken a lot. I love you. please dont be mad. something like that. but i feel good and can now move on instead of holding those things in or sending her vain texts or im's or emails. it was a 3 page email i sent that probably i ran through for a wekk with rewrites so make sure its good because it might be the last thing ever.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Should I really write something to her again? I must have wrote over 10 pages of text to her (tangible and electronic) already and my friends keep telling me to just forget her. I'm not even sure if she read the letter that I sent to her a few weeks ago.
Author NSW768 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 then maybe not dude. ur link didnt work see ur whole situation. just if ur going NC then ****ing do it, its just if u still have stuff to say its going to make it a lot harder.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh, try http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201761/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203085/ And yeah, I understand that it's going to be harder. That's one reason why I kept breaking my previous attempts at NC. I'm never really going to say all that I have to say until she allows me to speak with her over the phone for a few hours, but she's not allowing that to happen.
northstar1 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 If you are going to go NC, just do it. No need to tell your ex you are. Sending your ex a note telling them you are going to go NC likely ends up resulting in a few things -Some willi use it as a last hope that they will somehow change their minds due to the fact you are going NC. -Sending them a note ultimately means you are hoping/waiting for a reply (whether you admit or not). If they dont' reply, and many won't, a lot of people will then be upset or mad that their ex's didn't reply, and you end up in the same cycle. Look, you may think by sending them a note you will get things off your chest, but in reality, you'll always have just one more thing you want to say to them, so where does it stop? -Why give them the opportunity to see that you are stil hurting? IF they've decided to move on, most won't care that you are going NC. And finally, nothing sends a stronger message that you are moving on with your life than silence.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks for that, northstar1. I was just thinking about typing up an email, but I'm glad you posted before I made my decision. I'll just make a blog entry instead to get things off my chest =)
northstar1 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks for that, northstar1. I was just thinking about typing up an email, but I'm glad you posted before I made my decision. I'll just make a blog entry instead to get things off my chest =) No worries man, it's just my view after having gone through a tough breakup last year and making the mistake of trying limited contact for a while. It's a tough spot, but I can tell you that you will get through it. Last year, I'd have thought "How will I get over this, I lost the 'one'". Perpectives do change. I finally said 'enough' and went NC without a word.
JimmyB26 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've gone NC several times, one right after the breakup. She tried and tried, and then played on my sympathies that she would reach out to her absentee dad and get the door shut in her face by him and I was doing the same thing, and I caved, and I was her friend for a while. But with her LDR bf, she was pulling me in and pushing me away again between the weekends she'd get to see him, and it got to the point where she just didn't want anyone else to have me. So I said "to hell with it" and tried NC again, but after four days, and she'd known I was seeing someone, she freaked out and begged again. So we tried talking it out and I was right back into the backup seat. The third time, I went into it with plans. I gave her a couple real hit-it-out-of-the-park amazing nights to remember, and then, as I planned, went right into full-on-complete-ignore NC, when she knew I was seeing other women and had a slew of dates lined up. This persisted for three weeks, her trying everything under the sun, but just breadcrumbs, to get me to talk to her. Finally she sent me a card, with photos enclosed of times of us together, reprints from digital pictures. She went on rather effusively about how I'm unique and wonderful, how much I've taught her and contributed to her happiness. How she never thought she'd be able to be so open and honest with one person. She hoped we'd have many many more years together and signed it "Love always". It was to the point that a buddy of mine read it and said that if he ever caught his girlfriend sending a card like that to an ex bf, he'd end it in a second. I thanked her by text, and then a few days later, I decided to send her a card in response and tell her that I was going into NC. I told her that I appreciated that I contributed to her happiness in a unique and significant way, but I needed to focus on my own, and my life. That the few weeks had been challenging, exciting, and thought-provoking, and we could really use some time, distance, space and perspective. I said that when she was ready to be with me, I'd be as open to considering the possibility as my status allows me to be. But until that time, great memories would have to be enough. Then I wished her the best in life. I saw her on the street a few days later and nodded, and she texted me a minute later (I'd been on the phone as we passed) and she said: "Look at you walking and talking at the same time! Nice! :-) and you're not even tripping over yourself! Man, I miss you!" Just to check how serious I was about my terms and whether I'd cave again. I didn't respond because it wasn't a real reach. She knows what I'm waiting for and that's not going to do it.
northstar1 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've gone NC several times, one right after the breakup. She tried and tried, and then played on my sympathies that she would reach out to her absentee dad and get the door shut in her face by him and I was doing the same thing, and I caved, and I was her friend for a while. But with her LDR bf, she was pulling me in and pushing me away again between the weekends she'd get to see him, and it got to the point where she just didn't want anyone else to have me. So I said "to hell with it" and tried NC again, but after four days, and she'd known I was seeing someone, she freaked out and begged again. So we tried talking it out and I was right back into the backup seat. The third time, I went into it with plans. I gave her a couple real hit-it-out-of-the-park amazing nights to remember, and then, as I planned, went right into full-on-complete-ignore NC, when she knew I was seeing other women and had a slew of dates lined up. This persisted for three weeks, her trying everything under the sun, but just breadcrumbs, to get me to talk to her. Finally she sent me a card, with photos enclosed of times of us together, reprints from digital pictures. She went on rather effusively about how I'm unique and wonderful, how much I've taught her and contributed to her happiness. How she never thought she'd be able to be so open and honest with one person. She hoped we'd have many many more years together and signed it "Love always". It was to the point that a buddy of mine read it and said that if he ever caught his girlfriend sending a card like that to an ex bf, he'd end it in a second. I thanked her by text, and then a few days later, I decided to send her a card in response and tell her that I was going into NC. I told her that I appreciated that I contributed to her happiness in a unique and significant way, but I needed to focus on my own, and my life. That the few weeks had been challenging, exciting, and thought-provoking, and we could really use some time, distance, space and perspective. I said that when she was ready to be with me, I'd be as open to considering the possibility as my status allows me to be. But until that time, great memories would have to be enough. Then I wished her the best in life. I saw her on the street a few days later and nodded, and she texted me a minute later (I'd been on the phone as we passed) and she said: "Look at you walking and talking at the same time! Nice! :-) and you're not even tripping over yourself! Man, I miss you!" Just to check how serious I was about my terms and whether I'd cave again. I didn't respond because it wasn't a real reach. She knows what I'm waiting for and that's not going to do it. Fair enough, but you could have achieved the same result by just going NC without the card.
smookie Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I really like the way that Jimmy26 did it. It showed that he cared and he was serious about what he had said. Good Going to all of you on here... Getting many different thoughts on one subject is always refreshing....
Lost Fish Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I think everyone's situation is different. JimmyB26 - great post / implementation of NC. I think you can see how much of your own strength and independence you are finding through it. For myself, I'm currently only on day 5 of NC. It's been rough. She finally emailed me yesterday to kind of test the waters. But if I reply then I know I will forfeit what little self-worth I escaped with when I first went into no contact. I did not tell her I was going NC. I think my silence even over the first few days is speaking volumes. We communicated almost nonstop every day, and I know she is feeling miserable right now. And in a way it's nice because I'm finding my own power and energy again. She has been dating this jerk - and then using me for emotional support when he constantly blows her off. And I can't do it anymore. And this guy is going to hurt her and she won't have me to catch her this time. It's hard on me to think about, but screw it. I'm no one's backup plan or emotional crutch when they are feeling down. I won't lie that it's been hard - but my gut tells me that I AM doing the right thing. And unless she has a massive revelation and begs me to try again, I am going to stay NC until my own attachment to her has died off. It's been hard, but it's right.
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