LisaUk Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi all MayI requested an update so here it is! Sorry I haven't been around much lately, I have so much on at university. I had to give a presentation yesterday, which went well, I was so nervous though. To be honest I'm kind of amazing myself at the moment, just six months ago I would never have gotten up in front of 35 people and delivered a presentation on anything, let alone discussing the finer points of how as a lawyer you would prove the principle of inducement in fraud! So, in many respects I'm quite chuffed with myself, espically as I had panic attacks for so long before all this. However...I wish I could just get the ex out of my system. I know it's going to take time, but I still cry over him. I feel like I am moving on, but at the same time it hurts that he choose to do this, I still have moments of WHY? How could he do this? Why would he rather be without me than with me, did I mean nothing to him at all? I don't expect answers guys, rethorical questions... Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing ok? I try to check in from time to time and see how you're all doing. I have an exam Friday, which I have to pass to stay on the course, wish me luck, b/c I really like uni, I've made a good group of friends who are all really supportive of both school and the c**p with my ex and IF I can ever find the time, keep asking me to out clubbing! Hopefully this Saturday that's what I will be doing!
ryepatch Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 lisa, it sounds like you're doing really great, though i don't know what "chuffed" means. i kind of like it though! don't worry about us here on LS, we're all taking care of each other, and we newbies are trying to fill your shoes! how is your living situation, by the way? that was the big problem a couple weeks ago. . . sorry if i missed whether or not you resolved that. don't give up, you're on the right path!
delajoonal Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 you GO GIRL!! P.S. is that saying a bit out dated...LOL..and i am just a ding dong..LOL p.s.s. congrats! lisa... you deserve the BEST and to have a FABULOUS Life!!! have fun saturday night!!..have one of those fun foo foo drinks for me!
Author LisaUk Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 lisa, it sounds like you're doing really great, though i don't know what "chuffed" means. i kind of like it though! don't worry about us here on LS, we're all taking care of each other, and we newbies are trying to fill your shoes! how is your living situation, by the way? that was the big problem a couple weeks ago. . . sorry if i missed whether or not you resolved that. don't give up, you're on the right path! Hi Rye LOL chuffed, must be a brit thing?? Means pleased with yourself! Yes big headed I know LOL My living situation-my mum backed down and as I am out of the house now from 8am to about 7pm Monday to Friday, it's not been too bad so far, finger crossed, it stay that way. She did go off at me last night though! I miss all you guys on here, I'm just doing so much study last week I could not see straight. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you all on here, truely, you guys are the best.
MrMayI Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 i give this thread a big thumbs up. keep going lisa. this IS the right path. don't worry of thoughts of the ex. you know the reasons. you loved him, truly. that's a bitch to turn off, but with the help of good friends, uni, and maybe a little clubbing you're starting off just right. part of me thinks maybe the whole adjustment process to school may be bringing up a sense of losing security all over again, rehashing thoughts of the ex. however, i am no psychologist, so ignore what i say
Author LisaUk Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 i give this thread a big thumbs up. keep going lisa. this IS the right path. don't worry of thoughts of the ex. you know the reasons. you loved him, truly. that's a bitch to turn off, but with the help of good friends, uni, and maybe a little clubbing you're starting off just right. part of me thinks maybe the whole adjustment process to school may be bringing up a sense of losing security all over again, rehashing thoughts of the ex. however, i am no psychologist, so ignore what i say You could be on to something there MayI. Thinking about it, it feels like I am moving on but somehow I don't WANT to let go of him completely, yet I know I must and am doing so, does that make sense?
2.50 a gallon Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Lisa It makes sense to me, the trepidation of moving into the unknown. You have a right to be chuffed, it shows you are regaining your self worth. I have taken your lack of posting to be a good sign that you were spending time with your studies. What Dela said! Celebrate life! Your friend Gallon
huggyb Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 However...I wish I could just get the ex out of my system. I know it's going to take time, but I still cry over him. I feel like I am moving on, but at the same time it hurts that he choose to do this, I still have moments of WHY? How could he do this? Why would he rather be without me than with me, did I mean nothing to him at all? I don't expect answers guys, rethorical questions... Nothing i am going to write is going to be rhetorical, just plain facts & knowledge. 1-Why? - Because he was not happy with the situation. You just were not in tune with his thoughts and how close he was to doing what he did. I've found that you have to listen to what your mate says and watch closely what they do. The math between those two parameters is what defines things, how true is the communication. 2-How? easily in todays divorce friendly world. 3-Why be without you? (See #1) 4-Did you mean nothing? CLEARLY NO!!! He made a commitment to you, right? That means you meant the world to him at one time, that went away somewhere down the road. What I've stated is raw, not candycoated & maybe not what you want to hear. I just feel I owe it to you to be pure & honest in the hopes that you will keep this in your heart & mind. If you look objectively (yes, hard to do) at your relationships you will be in a better place to protect yourself and possibly maintain the ones you want to last. LASTLY & MOST IMPORTANT, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, UGLY, OR WITHOUT MERIT. PEOPLE MAKE RASH DECISIONS IN THEIR LIFE, MANY MEN DON'T FIGURE OUT THEIR MISTAKES FOR MANY YEARS, HE WILL TOO. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME ON THAT, SPEND YOUR ENERGY & TIME MAKING YOUR LIFE THE BEAUTIFUL PLACE YOU DESERVE. *THAT'S* WHAT YOU DEVOTE YOUR THOUGHT TO. (we all can see the steps you're taking, good job.) Good luck!!! & God Bless
Author LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Nothing i am going to write is going to be rhetorical, just plain facts & knowledge. 1-Why? - Because he was not happy with the situation. You just were not in tune with his thoughts and how close he was to doing what he did. I've found that you have to listen to what your mate says and watch closely what they do. The math between those two parameters is what defines things, how true is the communication. 2-How? easily in todays divorce friendly world. 3-Why be without you? (See #1) 4-Did you mean nothing? CLEARLY NO!!! He made a commitment to you, right? That means you meant the world to him at one time, that went away somewhere down the road. What I've stated is raw, not candycoated & maybe not what you want to hear. I just feel I owe it to you to be pure & honest in the hopes that you will keep this in your heart & mind. If you look objectively (yes, hard to do) at your relationships you will be in a better place to protect yourself and possibly maintain the ones you want to last. LASTLY & MOST IMPORTANT, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, UGLY, OR WITHOUT MERIT. PEOPLE MAKE RASH DECISIONS IN THEIR LIFE, MANY MEN DON'T FIGURE OUT THEIR MISTAKES FOR MANY YEARS, HE WILL TOO. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME ON THAT, SPEND YOUR ENERGY & TIME MAKING YOUR LIFE THE BEAUTIFUL PLACE YOU DESERVE. *THAT'S* WHAT YOU DEVOTE YOUR THOUGHT TO. (we all can see the steps you're taking, good job.) Good luck!!! & God Bless Hi, I just came on quickly before school to start another thread but just wanted to reply to your post. I appreciate what your saying and you taking the time to post to me, but when someone is walking you round wedding venues and setting the date to marry in church after an 8 year engaement and being together 18 years, HOW AND WHAT was I supposed to be listening to and looking at (as in number 1 above), are you suggesting that his words and behaviour indicated his unhappiness? And, no he did not make a commitment to me at one time, we were't married, hence my thoughts on CP and hence my questions of why.
ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 he was a CP lisa, on your original thread everyone talked about how it wasn't til the wedding was a reality that he got cold feet. we were abouut to move cross country for me to go back to school, it was a plan we made togetther, then she got cold feet. they just couldn't deal with the change. we're stronger than them, we really are, look at the bag of crap you were left with and you still figured something out!!! our exes are just not able to be grownups about their commitments to us (and he did make a commitment, an engagement is a commitment!).
huggyb Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Hi, I just came on quickly before school to start another thread but just wanted to reply to your post. I appreciate what your saying and you taking the time to post to me, but when someone is walking you round wedding venues and setting the date to marry in church after an 8 year engaement and being together 18 years, HOW AND WHAT was I supposed to be listening to and looking at (as in number 1 above), are you suggesting that his words and behaviour indicated his unhappiness? And, no he did not make a commitment to me at one time, we were't married, hence my thoughts on CP and hence my questions of why. Good question!!! To clarify, I was trying to point out how to measure the difference. Using your numbers above: Together 18 years & engaged 8 years, correct? -If he said he loved you and you meant the world to him why did it take 10 years to propose? -If he got on his knee & proposed, then did not want to actually marry you until 8 years later, there is a contradiction. My own situation has a small element of this in it. We were together for a little over 10 yrs & decided, "let's do this". My ex was spending every weekend with me but returning to her parents during the week. If she really wanted to stand on her own 2 feet with me she would have moved in before we got married. Instead it became a nightmare divorce involving child concealment, child abduction, the courts & the district attorney. I did not see the behavior pattern vs what she would say. Granted my ex has a black belt at lying, your ex may have been an expert also. in simple terms: When someone does one thing & says another, you look at how often, how many, the duration, how different, and how serious the subject. People are creatures of habit.... if they do it once, they will do it again. Again don't waste anymore thought on that except for to soak up the knowledge from what I share in hopes to protect your heart in future relationships. I paid a very high price for that wisdom, it is very valuable. Good luck God bless
Author LisaUk Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Hi Huggyb Ok, so in answer to your question why did it take him 10 years to propse, b/c we got together in highschool aged 15, he propsed at 25 after we had lived toether for 2 years. I guess before that we both felt too young. For the rest though, the 8 year engaement and not setting the date, you are correct my ex was a black belt in lying and he was also most definately CP. He was quite happy to be with me right up until 2 weeks after we set the date to marry and then all maner of reasons came out, including that he was unhappy, had been for years, didn't love me for years and had only propose b/c we had been together a long time. So, he stayed for a further 8 years unhappy? Who is he trying to kid! I get your point, his words said one thing, but his actions of being with me and living with for 10 years also said the same and I trusted him, I was wrong.
MrMayI Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 good to see you on here, lisa. i think my thread may be fading fast. i've become oblivious to the pain i had, which makes me terrified it will come back, and hard. sorry to threadjack, but ryepatch, i'm pulling for you bro. i'm sorry you're going through what you are, and i wish i could tell you it gets easier, but it can't until action is taken just like lisa is doing here. you said you were planning to move for school. well then, do it! if she wants back, and you want her back, it'll happen. take your life off hold, and get out there. don't divorce, just get out there. lisa, big hugs, and i hope school is going well!
Author LisaUk Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Well, was just heading to bed, but popped back as I just found out on the student portal, I PASSED the exam!
phineas Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Well, was just heading to bed, but popped back as I just found out on the student portal, I PASSED the exam! Congrats. Sleep well.
ryepatch Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 congratulations Lisa!!! we all knew you could do it! and you still have time to check in on us? careful you don't take too much on, keep on prioritizing school! not that we don't deeply appreciate it. . .
huggyb Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 That is the only way to start to extract that from your mental wallpaper. You realize the error, understand what it is, that it is NOT you. Just how you played the game. Then you throw it away forever. God Bless babygurl Hi Huggyb I get your point, his words said one thing, but his actions of being with me and living with for 10 years also said the same and I trusted him, I was wrong.
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