Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hey everyone and thankyou to all who take the time to read this. Basically me and my boyfriend of two years split nearly 5 months ago (I seem to start every post by saying this) and I was focused entirely on being single, being alone, recovering and healing from the break-up and discovering who I am and what I want out of life. I had met a guy a few times whilst I was in my relationship and felt we had a click, but was entirely devoted to my boyfriend. After the break-up, this guy persued me fanatically and I liked talking with him and developed an attraction to him. I did not want to date or persue a relationship with him and so I tried to keep him at a certain distance whilst getting to know him as a friend. He invited me to meet him one day and I blew him off without a single explanation (rude of me I know). Supposedly he told a close friend of mine that he was no longer going to talk to me because I blew him off so that night I went to apologise to him at his place of work which was a bar, and me and my friend ended up staying the night (her on his sofa, me in his bed). I saw him coming to kiss and I kissed him back - partly because I wanted to, and partly to ease the awkwardness of rejecting him and then staying in the same room. The next morning he was very affectionate with me and I found that very off-putting. He was acting like we were star-crossed lovers when it had only been one single kiss. Anyway we began to see each other; we'd go to the cinema and eat at restaurants. Very quickly he gave too much of himself away and I discovered things about him that put me off. 1) He smoked. I find smoking to be a horrible habit. My father was once in the hospital for smoking. I've never smoked myself. I think it smells bad and I don't really like addicts of anything. I take it as a weakness. Sorry if I have offended any smokers! I just personally do not like it. Anyway he would smoke in his room and house around me and I found this rude and offensive as a non-smoker. 2. He had panic attacks/a heart condition. Now this in itself does not bother me (I too suffer panic attacks) But he never got any help for it. I felt like he's mother telling him to go to the doctors or get help. He convinced himself it was nothing and I found this a very strange and irritating attitude. I had to hold him whilst he cried and was shaking - which would have been fine had we known each other better and had stronger feelings, as it stood, it felt uncomfortable and awkward and much more intimate that I was keen on. Also as I said, his inability to recognise it as serious and get any help made me feel relied on as his mother or nurse. 3. I have seen him get in a few fights, always to defend someone - he is very just and fair. But I dislike violence and fighting, and immediately I found it quite an immature and boyish thing to do. Not the actions of a 21 year old man. 4. He has a son who he does not see. He says it is because the mother of his child disapeared on him and he can't trace them...but again its the fact that he is supposedly devestated by the loss of his son but yet will not go to find him. I find this quite self-destructive and lazy. I don't think it is an admirable quality in a man to father a son and not see him no matter how scared he is. 5. He only works in retail and I am very ambitious. I work hard at university and to me work is very important. He does have a strong work ethic but someone whose only ambition is to work in retail does not match up to my ambitions and so I would always be the one making money and wanting to go further, so he would hold me back. I am not shallow or money-oriented, but I would like a partner who makes money, I want to make my own money, but I would like the holidays, the house, the car - I don't want someone whose ideals don't match mine. 6. He is very messy and chucks things on the floor. I hate that! Now if I were to list the good things - He is very attentive and affectionate. He compliments me constantly. He wants me to meet his family, go away with me. The kisses are great, so is the sex. He does little things to make me smile. And wants to see me a lot. I suppose it just isn't right. And I am leeching onto the comfort and security and attention because I am scared to be alone. I can't tell if any of those feelings are 'real' or if they came out of nowhere because I was lonely from my break-up. If it ends I will need to 'grieve' it slightly, but it wont compare to the loss of my ex. I know i've probably sold it as this should end, but I guess I just need a bit of strength. Also, I never MEANT to rebound. I know i've hurt someone in the process of using their attention to feel better, but he always persued me and I was flattered, then guilty about rejecting him, and he did such nice things for me...now I feel guilty and quite low...and won't rebound again. I guess I had to do this to realise what a mistake it was. But I feel terrible and guilty for hurting him...and also sad to have to hit the weight of two break-ups now. How silly :S I guess I am just really struggling....I need to do the hard thing and be alone....but its just so difficult. I'm scared i'll never find anyone Almost to the extent that i'd stay with him just to know someone cares about me and at least i'm not alone! Pathetic I know....but.....aggg i'm just blabbering!
john1988 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You need to tell him immediately that things aren't going to work out. If you continue to hang out with this guy just to make yourself feel better sooner or later the hard questions are going to come from him about your intentions and this hole will get deeper and deeper. Be strong you need to take time out to grieve your loss.
Chrome Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You need to tell him immediately that things aren't going to work out. If you continue to hang out with this guy just to make yourself feel better sooner or later the hard questions are going to come from him about your intentions and this hole will get deeper and deeper. Be strong you need to take time out to grieve your loss. I agree with john1988. Its clear to me now that the girl i just broke up with was very much on the rebound and although my story is maybe a little more complicated than just being a purely rebound situation, the effect it had is the same. The longer you leave it to tell this guy, the more difficult to deal with its going to be for you both. Youre having a hard enough time dealing with your loss. Adding to it with this complicated situation is just going to make things worse for you and this guy also. Its unfair to you both to stay in this situation and you'll feel better ultimately for having done the right thing As John said, Be strong and take some time out to get your head together. You can do it.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Thankyou guys. Well I ended it with him. I feel partly relieved and partly afraid, afraid because i'm truly alone again. But it had to be done. Thankyou for reading:)
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