Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I just started reading this book about healing and the very first page says "abandonment conjures up children left at birth, fathers packing their suitcases and moving out...", and I couldn't help but think of my ex. Her parents have been separated for a long time. She never really let on that it bothered her much, but maybe her silence about it is actually a sign that she'd rather not discuss it. Her dad stayed down south and her and her mom came up to the midwest when she was young, and she doesn't get along all that great with her mom either. But she has a big family up here, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and always had their support. Could something like that create her tendency to walk away from people and not look back? You'd almost think, going through it herself, she would be more sensitive about it, but maybe it only created the same type of behavior in her.
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I just started reading this book about healing and the very first page says "abandonment conjures up children left at birth, fathers packing their suitcases and moving out...", and I couldn't help but think of my ex. Her parents have been separated for a long time. She never really let on that it bothered her much, but maybe her silence about it is actually a sign that she'd rather not discuss it. Her dad stayed down south and her and her mom came up to the midwest when she was young, and she doesn't get along all that great with her mom either. But she has a big family up here, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and always had their support. Could something like that create her tendency to walk away from people and not look back? You'd almost think, going through it herself, she would be more sensitive about it, but maybe it only created the same type of behavior in her. With any kind of abuse/trauma, people either repeat the behaviour, or do the exact opposite. Sometimes when people are abandoned (or feel abandoned) whether the abandonment is literal or metaphorical, real or perceived, an individual either clings tightly to others so that they will never leave them OR does the opposite; when they feel in over their heads/vulnerable, they choose to abandon, to escape, to run away, because it is a pattern they recognise. Sometimes people go through things but they AREN'T more sensitive to it. Its just something familiar and something they know. Abandonment is about selfishness, fear and ignorance - someone is thinking entirely of themself and not of the other. In the same way that a father can walk away from a child without really understanding or caring about the damage caused to that chilld, people can walk away from relationships not understanding the damage done. Sometimes its easier for some people to run away and not look back, almost like if a car explodes behind you and you don't look you can avoid the damage/carnage becoming something that YOU have to deal with. To me its not different that people that can see a fight or someone cry and walk past without getting involved or feeling a thing. You turn your back to avoid feeling, to avoid getting involved, to avoid any emotion or guilt about what you might witness. That's why for some people, those who are scared, abandonment is very easy.
jlr Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 It's true, people either repeat it, or they go exactly against it. My ex and I both had those issues as children, coming from broken homes. I've always thought that part of her leaving me was due to this. It's all she's ever known. She's never known consistancy in her life. I think at some point, she got scared of it. She's one of those who chose to repeat it, to cling to that, because it's familiar. For me, I didn't want it to end. I still want it to work, to the point where I allowed her to be an ******* at the end. I went the opposite way. I wanted to make everything work, and because it didn't, I feel like a failure. I'm sick of people in my life walking away when things are hard, or continuing some dumb cycle they've learned. I want to break that cycle. I want to prove that I'm better than all that. Unfortunately, when you're other half of the relationship is the other type of person (the repeater), it becomes a dead end.
Dream Brother Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Great post and replies, thanks you have just made me realise something very important.
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 It's true, people either repeat it, or they go exactly against it. My ex and I both had those issues as children, coming from broken homes. I've always thought that part of her leaving me was due to this. It's all she's ever known. She's never known consistancy in her life. I think at some point, she got scared of it. She's one of those who chose to repeat it, to cling to that, because it's familiar. For me, I didn't want it to end. I still want it to work, to the point where I allowed her to be an ******* at the end. I went the opposite way. I wanted to make everything work, and because it didn't, I feel like a failure. I'm sick of people in my life walking away when things are hard, or continuing some dumb cycle they've learned. I want to break that cycle. I want to prove that I'm better than all that. Unfortunately, when you're other half of the relationship is the other type of person (the repeater), it becomes a dead end. Someone else on this forum said recently that in the same way that some know stability and security, others only know chaos, and chaos is all they feel comfortable with. When things are happy, secure...even a little monotonous or boring - they fear the carpet being pulled out from under them, everything coming crashing down. They choose the chaos - the unknown - because they feel safe in that. They can function in chaos but they don't know WHAT the hell to do when things are going well, they are worried they can't make it last and will have to feel that rejection all over again, so they choose to control that pain by leaving on their terms. They break their own hearts so someone else can't sometimes.
GrayClouds Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I just started reading this book about healing and the very first page says "abandonment conjures up children left at birth, fathers packing their suitcases and moving out...", and I couldn't help but think of my ex. Her parents have been separated for a long time. She never really let on that it bothered her much, but maybe her silence about it is actually a sign that she'd rather not discuss it. Her dad stayed down south and her and her mom came up to the midwest when she was young, and she doesn't get along all that great with her mom either. But she has a big family up here, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and always had their support. Could something like that create her tendency to walk away from people and not look back? You'd almost think, going through it herself, she would be more sensitive about it, but maybe it only created the same type of behavior in her. Maybe or maybe be not. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO YOU ANY MORE. She really messed with your head. Do not give her anymore of yourself. Exit listen... Stop trying to fix your ex, stop trying to figure her out. As long as your trying you still holding on. Now is the time to focus on yourself and find ways to help you heal, how to figure out how to make you a stronger and wiser for your next relationship. ( and yes I am talking to myself too)
Author Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Haha I knew someone would say that GrayClouds, and I know you're right. I started reading this book to help ME, but that first line got me thinking about her again.
BCCA Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 The real problem with this stuff is that at the end of the day, it doesnt help you at all. If she does have abandonment issues, fine, she left you for that - nothing you can do. If she just fell out of love, again - nothing you can do. Either way, despite the fact that we ALL get obsessed with trying to figure out the 'why', it NEVER matters. They left you, thats all you need to know. To be honest, youre just looking for an external validation that it wasnt your fault. Give that up bro, it just doesnt matter anymore, you know? Let the past be the past.
GrayClouds Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Haha I knew someone would say that GrayClouds, and I know you're right. I started reading this book to help ME, but that first line got me thinking about her again. I find myself doing that with another book so I put that one down. I think with abandonment issues likes attract. It manifest itself in different ways, as the case with you and your EX. She is a runner, putting emotional distance between you, you responded but being trying harder showing she was in a safe place. Mine while this effort is a distraction from show addressing your own needs and presenting your true self for possible rejection. "If I am perfect then they cant reject me, if I show them my real self they will definitely leave me", mentality. You both learn different coping skills to handle a similar condition. Those skills worked when you were younger and needing them but now are interfering in your ability to have a healthy relationship. You were attracted to someone who would reinforce your negative feelings of an earlier abandonment, while she can not open up to real intimacy as a way to avoid her negative feelings for her earlier abandonment. (and yes I am talking to myself too)
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