Relapse II: I am beginning to really worry about myself.

[Taucher]

I had a "relapse" about a month ago which I mentioned on here. Well, now I have had another. It is 4 months since she left me after a 5 year relationship (we lived together for the last 2 years).

 

Today I went for a short walk to the river and sat down on a bench and cried my eyes out. This comes after a week were I spent hardly any time thinking about her at all. I really felt like I was moving on...and now this.

 

I have not been thinking about her much at all, and when i did, I was getting better at coping with it. I do think about her a lot but the effect it had on me got less dramatic - until today. I work up, thought about her face in my head and BAM - I felt the shock of her leaving me as strongly as I did in the first week. Maybe even stronger because in the first week part of me expected her to come back. Now I know she isnt coming back.

 

I feel like I will never recover. Whats wrong with me? It's been 4 months!

 

T

[Alexaangel]

I think you are being too hard on yourself-4 months is not that long to grieve a 5 year relationship.

[Exit]

4 months is still normal to be healing.

 

I just spent 5 months chasing after someone who I only spent 1.5 years with. Five years, plus living together, is a LOT to adjust to.

 

I think many of us go through the same thing you are. I THOUGHT I was ready to heal about 5 different times. There would be entire weekends where I was perfectly happy without her, then wake up one day and be back to square one. I think this time is for real, I think I'm moving on, I hope.

 

I think you're being a little unrealistic about how fast you should be healed. This just means you loved her! Not that I don't want you to feel better right here right now, but I would say you should expect to feel this way until at least 6 months.

[anne1]

It is like grief, there are different levels of acceptance. We miss someone and we dont know what triggers it but we just have times when we just miss them and miss who we were when we were with them.

 

Today you probably let go a little bit more and you are becoming stronger but hurting because you are letting go.

 

Hugs

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, T.

4 months after a 5-year relationship is really a drop in the bucket -- maybe you are being too hard on yourself?

 

I would see your release today as a GOOD sign...call it "aftershocks" or "residual grief" or whatever you will, but all of it must ALSO be experienced/released...if you are ever to feel as 'good as new' (or even "new and improved" .)

 

It totally doesn't mean that you are not healing and moving forward!

[mickleb]

Hugs, Tauch.

 

So sorry to hear you've had a bad time of it.

 

I get like this all the time! I'll be completely fine about it and then - boof! I don't get it, at all! I felt a bit weird leaving work today and was shrugging it off as about nothing in particular and then, all of a sudden, I was parked by the side of a wood and crying my eyes out!

 

Every time we need to cry or get swamped by it, it feels like the first time. The difference is that the good times in between are getting longer and our heads take a little less time to remind us, this is how it's got to be.

 

I think Exit is right: it just means you loved her. If someone had told you you'd be completely over her in four months the day you broke up, you'd probably have wanted to hit them!

 

Let us know when you begin to feel okay again. I'm sure it won't be long but don't worry about how you are feeling now. I think all of us who are struggling through are a lot healthier than the exes I read about who plunge into relationships or denial, straight away.

 

Take a peek at that ridiculous clip on You Tube, if you've got the strength. That baby-cradling mime might just make you grin. x

[jlr]

I'm in the same boat as you.

 

I was in a five year relationship. Lived together for almost 3. She broke up with me.

 

We broke up 12 months ago though. We didn't really stop talking until about 5 months ago, as there was like a 6 month period afterwards where we were stuck in a rollercoaster of her indecision about everything and still would hang out and sleep together and such. I thought maybe she'd come back.

 

Then she started hanging out with some other guy. And now we don't talk, except for the times where she makes excuses to call me, and it usually doesn't go well for me, mentally.

 

I often beat myself up saying the same things you do. I often will go a few days feeling like maybe I'm finally moving past it, then I just revert back. It's tough. The toughest thing I've ever gone through. I hope I never feel this pain again in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I guess we both need to realize that we're good people. We LOVED someone and still do. And it's not easy to let that go. Five years can't be fixed in 4 or 5 months, hell maybe not even a year or so. Plus, everyone is different.

 

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're hurting man. You're not alone. Hang in there. We can beat this.

 

I hope.

[Taucher]

Thank you everyone, you really are fantastic. I feel a bit less mental now. I think you are so right that 4 months is not long. My issue is that I am not a crying type of man. I mean, I NEVER cry, and here I am crying on a bench in public and feeling very sorry for myself. It feels very wierd for me. In a strange way, it is probably good for me as a person. I think I can be a bit cold sometimes. Not any more.

 

I THOUGHT I was ready to heal about 5 different times. There would be entire weekends where I was perfectly happy without her, then wake up one day and be back to square one.

 

And does it get harder every time this happens? Because you THINK you are moving on so the shock could be worse?

 

 

Today you probably let go a little bit more and you are becoming stronger but hurting because you are letting go.

 

 

I think this is true, thank you. I didn't see it like this. But yes. I have now fully accepted that she is not coming back. That IS moving on. But I am crying again. Gah.

 

 

I would see your release today as a GOOD sign...call it "aftershocks" or "residual grief" or whatever you will, but all of it must ALSO be experienced/released...if you are ever to feel as 'good as new' (or even "new and improved" .)

 

Yes, right. I felt like it had been coming for a while so I guess it IS a good thing. I did feel better once it had all gone and didnt try to fight it.

 

.

I get like this all the time! I'll be completely fine about it and then - boof! I don't get it, at all! I felt a bit weird leaving work today and was shrugging it off as about nothing in particular and then, all of a sudden, I was parked by the side of a wood and crying my eyes out!

 

Every time we need to cry or get swamped by it, it feels like the first time. The difference is that the good times in between are getting longer and our heads take a little less time to remind us, this is how it's got to be.

 

I think Exit is right: it just means you loved her. If someone had told you you'd be completely over her in four months the day you broke up, you'd probably have wanted to hit them!

 

Take a peek at that ridiculous clip on You Tube, if you've got the strength. That baby-cradling mime might just make you grin. x

 

Sorry you are also going through this also. It DOES feel like the first time, every time. And yes, I did love her. I still do. I ache to be near her, unfortunately. I'm sure you can all relate to that. Problem is, she is such a lovely kind person with such a great sense of humour I cant even be angry at her. I miss her so much.

 

Ha! Yes it DID cheer me up. Who thought that a "child of the night" would be an actual baby?! Also, I saw a youth with one of those hats on the other day. What was he thinking? Bless him.

 

I'm in the same boat as you.

 

I was in a five year relationship. Lived together for almost 3. She broke up with me.

 

We broke up 12 months ago though. We didn't really stop talking until about 5 months ago, as there was like a 6 month period afterwards where we were stuck in a rollercoaster of her indecision about everything and still would hang out and sleep together and such. I thought maybe she'd come back.

 

Then she started hanging out with some other guy. And now we don't talk, except for the times where she makes excuses to call me, and it usually doesn't go well for me, mentally.

 

I often beat myself up saying the same things you do. I often will go a few days feeling like maybe I'm finally moving past it, then I just revert back. It's tough. The toughest thing I've ever gone through. I hope I never feel this pain again in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I guess we both need to realize that we're good people. We LOVED someone and still do. And it's not easy to let that go. Five years can't be fixed in 4 or 5 months, hell maybe not even a year or so. Plus, everyone is different.

 

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're hurting man. You're not alone. Hang in there. We can beat this.

 

I hope.

 

Yes, we CAN beat this. I'm sorry you are going through this too but it really helps to know that this is 'normal'. We are good people. So is my ex though, and probably yours too?

 

And the lesson in all this? Dont bother being in love again.

 

Take care everyone

 

T

[angelface78]

I totally understand you. My fiance and i broke up 3 months ago...have been NC ever since...never got closure. We were also together 5 years. Somedays i feel like im getting over it and then it just hits me. Lately i havent been able to sleep...this didnt even happen the first month of the break up. Its like in a way its getting worse because the reality that its over is sinking in and it ****in hurts!! You are not alone...i feel your pain..the same pain ;( Mornings are so hard for me..I wake up and its like here we go again another day of torture..trying to survive. We have to be strong...we have to keep going..theres no other way..hang in there!

[t0ri]

I completely relate, Taucher. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago for good, and I've had many times since then thinking I was finally healing, accepting, moving on, etc. Then I'd wake up one day feeling like crap and it'd last for a week or so. It's been quite a vicious cycle. I've been feeling good for the past week or two, although I do still miss him and think about him quite a lot, but I'm hoping that sudden sadness doesn't creep back up on me. The good times are lasting longer than they used to, and the bad/sad times are becoming less intense.

 

But yes, that's normal. Irritating, though. To me, anyway. It's especially irritating and hurtful that my ex is either WAY past the stages that I'm at, or never went through them at all, but is ultimately over me and couldn't care less about me any longer. Oh well. At least what I felt for him was real.

 

We'll all fully recover one day...

[AnswersPls]

hey all,

 

guess what we are going thru is just the waves of emotions.

 

Someone mentioned that , we are feeling the pain because we are letting go slowly.. and i second that.

 

I am also having my waves and crying to sleep everynight.

 

Its been 3 months and I am still "stuck in the moment"

 

Lets move on and be strong..

 

I am waiting patiently for the day when I can think of him and not shed a tear...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Mine is nearly 5 months after a 2 year relationship and it still hits from time to time. I think mines because we were still in contact and he kept saying he loved me, missed me, was crying, missed the way I hugged him, touched him, he never realised what he had until its gone, wanted me back 1 day, sent me love songs...and then makes NO effort to do anything for me now. Well that messed me up TRULY, the most agony i've ever felt.

[rp123]

Mine is nearly 5 months after a 2 year relationship and it still hits from time to time. I think mines because we were still in contact and he kept saying he loved me, missed me, was crying, missed the way I hugged him, touched him, he never realised what he had until its gone, wanted me back 1 day, sent me love songs...and then makes NO effort to do anything for me now. Well that messed me up TRULY, the most agony i've ever felt.

 

really empathize... My ex gave me these mixed messages, which really drew out the pain.. Utter agony.....

[caramel c]

I am joining this club too. I can't make sense of my mood swings. One day I'm ok, the next day I'm not. I am still going through all of the stages all of the time. All of the emotions are still dancing around in me.

 

I wonder, what's it going to take? It's been 3 months. When we first broke up I thought after 2 months I'd start feeling much different. Well the only thing that is different is the constant feeling of shock, but even THAT comes back about once per week, it isn't completely gone. My patience is running thin.

 

I thought I've done everything I'm supposed to do and nothing I'm not supposed to be doing, but perhaps I'm wrong. I don't know what else to do or stop doing though. I am out of ideas. I am out of friends to talk to. Not cause they won't listen, they will, its just that I'm sick of hearing what they have to say as much as they are sick of what I have to say. It's all the same, nothing new. I stopped talking to them. It just upsets me more anyway. Not their fault, but its the reality.