Feeling depressed and lost (long, sorry)

[Mousey]

I'm in a very tough situation. I'm sorry if this is a bit long, I hope some of you can still be bothered to read it and help me. Let me lay out what happened..

 

At the beginning of last year I was engaged to a great guy and we lived together in his house. He was the most handsome, intelligent, successful, interesting, fun guy I had ever met, and I was crazy about him. I was at university studying for a PhD, and we had plans to marry and have children.

 

Then I found out he was cheating and my world fell apart. I loved him so much that I was prepared to forgive him, and he said we'd fix it and everything would be fine, but it wasn't.. he grew more and more distant, started avoiding me while claiming that he wasn't and everything was fine, and eventually he just kicked me out of his house with no explanation, no reason for why he didn't love me any more. He said I was the most perfect girl and our relationship could have been great, but it just wouldn't work because he wanted to sell up and move away.. I said I'd go with him, but he said it was dumb of me to go to a certain city just because he was there, I had to do what was right for me. This sounds like a crock of s*** because if you love someone you don't just dump them.

 

Anyway he had strung me along for six months and then dumped me, so last summer I found myself homeless. The stress of what had been happening meant I was already behind with my PhD work, which depressed me as much as breaking up with him did. I was right at the end of my PhD and my funding ran out during those six months he was stringing me along, so I was broke and homeless. Luckily I know someone who owns a house several miles out of the city, and he's away indefinitely, so I was able to move in there free of charge. The distance from the city unfortunately isolated me from all my friends and hobbies, and our mutual friends (who are obviously his friends, not mine) haven't so much as called me since. I don't have transport (apart from the bus during the day), I don't have any money, I don't have any friends.. I'm completely isolated and I still haven't finished the PhD. I'm so broke I couldn't even afford food if my mother didn't send me money, and I can't get a job till I finish the PhD.

 

I sank into a deep depression and just couldn't focus on the PhD, and in the end I applied for a suspension. The doctor refused to give me anti-depressants on the basis that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just depressed about the PhD and if I finish the PhD and get on with my life the depression will go away. He referred me for counselling instead.

 

The counsellor sees my situation like this: Mousey is depressed and can't focus on her thesis, so I need to motivate her to write it, then she can get on with her life. I don't want to talk about my thesis.. I want to talk about my fiance and my loneliness and WHY I'm depressed, and address the root cause of the depression. The counsellor says it doesn't matter why I'm depressed because that's in the past now, I have to put the depression behind me and get on with writing the thesis. But I can't just put the depression behind me, which makes me feel like a failure because I can't do what she's telling me to do. At every session the counsellor asks me about the thesis, then sets goals for my writing which I already know I won't achieve, and at every counselling session she berates me for not having written anything and tells me I either have to get on with writing or quit the PhD.

 

I asked for a new counsellor, and the doctor said that woman is the only one who deals with cases in this village. I asked for CBT or alternative treatment, and he said no, I imagine because it costs money. Did I mention that I only get to see the counsellor for one hour per month? How is that ever supposed to solve my depression?

 

On top of this, my supervisor is becoming increasingly frustrated with me. He tried to help at first, but I was so depressed that I wasn't doing any work, wasn't doing the stuff he was telling me to do, so now he's just ignoring me. I can see his point.. he told me what I need to write and I didn't write it because I'm depressed, so what more can he do? I can feel his frustration and I'm literally terrified to check my email every day in case there's an email from him telling me I'm sacked, or I might as well quit, or the research school wants to kick me out, or something horrible and scary. I feel so guilty for having let him down, for having let everyone down. My supervisor told me about a guy who had to look after a sick parent during his PhD, then the parent died and he was only absent for three months. It's like he's saying I have no right to be so depressed when nobody died, because I've been falling apart for 18 months now. I feel so guilty and ashamed because I'm depressed over nothing.. that guy coped with the death of a parent in three months and I haven't gotten over my issues after 18 months. My supervisor said I won't get any more time off when there's actually nothing wrong with me, because that guy only got three months off for a DEATH.

 

Now my PhD suspension has expired and I'm still very depressed, I can't finish the PhD in the time I have left and I need another suspension so I can stay at home and catch up on work. I applied but I'm terrified that they'll refuse and I won't be able to finish in time. I'm terrified that I'll be kicked out of the university, I'll never finish the PhD and my ex will have ruined my life and career as well as breaking my heart.

 

I'm completely alone apart from I visit my aunt and uncle who live nearby, and I have a sort-of boyfriend who works in mainland Europe and visits for occasional weekends. He's been great.. he talks to me at night and plays online games with me, he sends me gifts, he tries to help me in any way he can. I feel sad that I look at him and still think he's less handsome, less educated, has more baggage, and is less of a good catch than my ex-fiance, even though he's clearly a much nicer person who truly loves me and has stood by me through my depression. I feel like such a bad person for still pining after someone who treated me like crap, while a lovely guy is trying his hardest to support me and I just see him as second best.

 

So, this is the current situation: I live outside of town because it costs me nothing, and I'm surviving on savings and handouts from my mother. I have no transport, all my so-called friends ditched me when my fiance did, and I can't go out and meet new people because I have no money for transport, gym, classes, or anything at all. I'm increasingly stressed and worried about the PhD, I just can't focus and can't see how I'll ever finish it. Even if I get the suspension, I'm so depressed that I still can't focus. And even if I do finish, what will my life be like now I've lost my fiance and my home and my friends and all our plans? I feel guilty because this wonderful guy adores me and right now I just can't love him back. I'm completely broke and isolated, and I've pretty much hit rock bottom. I'm very depressed and the doctor and counsellor are no help whatsoever. I really don't know where to turn, I feel so lost

 

I know that all I can do is try to motivate myself to finish the PhD and hope I get that additional suspension, then move away and get a job. Right now the PhD seems like this insurmountable obstacle that's preventing me from getting on with my life, and even looking at my work makes me feel worthless, and afraid, and a failure. But I have to finish it.. I wish I could, but my depression is still getting in the way.

 

You're a saint if you've read this far, thankyou. I hope you can give me some helpful advice.

[compre11111]

There's probably nothing I can say that will help ease the pain you're feeling, and I'd be lying if I said that I've been there before. But this I do know: things WILL get better, even if you don't see any possible way at the moment. Your life WILL go on, and you WILL find fulfillment and happiness. I can't explain why such terrible things happen to good people, why such sadness seems to infect those who don't deserve it. Meanwhile, I see plenty of douchebags who seem to have it all, while the sweetest and most innocent people have so many problems to juggle. It seems like a cruel disposition, but you have to tell yourself that it's only temporary, and that you have to stay focused and plow through.

 

The last thing you want to do is allow one problem to become multiple problems.......and trust me, I know how difficult it is to separate such personal pain from your work/job and everything else. It wasn't that long ago that I was really doubting whether my relationship with the girl I was dating would work.......I was downright depressed at times, and that seeped into every other element of my life: work, friends, family, everything. What you have to do, though, is open your heart and soul to the healing process and start as soon as you can. It sounds like you're still holding on, and as long as you do, you'll never properly heal. It also sounds like you have a LOT to tackle in life at the moment, so you may want to focus first and foremost on your career and getting your life on track, and then focus on relationships after. Relationships can make everything in life better......but they can poison everything in life as well. You'll find that fulfilling relationship, but for now you may want to consider going on a relationship vacation and take care of YOU. Once you have your life in order, then you'll be a much better partner for somebody else and you'll be able to give yourself to that person fully and without distraction. It'll work out......I know that's cliche, but it will.

 

I realize that nothing I wrote is anything new, and you know this stuff already. I don't really have any magic answer. But I do wish you well, and I know that sooner or later, you'll find that life is back in your corner.

[torranceshipman]

Just being completely pragmatic...is there any way that you could change up your situation and move back home, or somewhere where you can be surrounded much more by family and friends? I think a big part of this might be the isolation that you are feeling...sounds like you need a lot more support that you're currently receiving. Also, how far into the PhD are you? Realistically could you transfer to another institution, or register part time to buy yourself some extra time?

[Sam Spade]

Jesus Christ, for a second I though that my ex had found this site, except that we were never engaged, she was the one to dump me, and it all happened in the us .

 

anyway, the commonalities however are that she had neglected her PhD to find herself in pretty much the same spot you are: broke, lonely, and with very dim prospects in the short term. You are not going to like what I will say, but your counselor is right. Although not finishing your degree is not the cause of the depression, it is something you have control of and could potentially be your stepping stone out of it. No matter how depressed you are, eventually you need to understand that you need to take responsibility for your feelings and your future, and make a choice (e.g. either finish the damned thing, or make a choice of an alternative path and stick with it; not getting a PhD is not the end of the world).

 

So, I know perfectly well that you can't tell a depressed person to "just cheer up" and it's way more complicated than that. That said, the cold hard reality still is that you only have two choices at this point: 1) keep floating until things get really, really, bad (e.g. you completely drop out of school, and start getting passed around from doctor to doctor) or 2) find a way to muscle your way out of this in spite of the depression. You need to take responsibility and regain control over your world, and finishing your thesis is a good way to do it.

 

the odds are against you since it is a thesis is a draining experience even if everything in your life is okay, but again - you either need to find a way to push through, or find way to get much more intensive medical help; Anti-depressants may be a good temporary solution.

[Mousey]

Thanks for the advice guys. No, I can't move somewhere else, my parents live in an elderly people's centre so I can't stay with them. I was lucky to be offered this place rent free and I have nowhere else to go, no brothers or sisters etc. This place is near enough to the university that I can still travel there if I need to, public transport runs until 7pm. I don't have any friends to go to either.. all my so-called friends have ignored me since my fiance dumped me, I'm completely alone.

 

I'm five years into the PhD so there's no way I can start over or transfer, I've done all the research and written half of the thesis. If I could just focus I could probably finish the thesis in six months. I'm pretty much stuck until the PhD is done. I already went part-time, then wasted that extra time and was forced to go on the sick with depression and apply for a suspension in order to get extra time, then I wasted that time too and I applied for a second suspension in order to have time to write the thesis. I keep getting all this extra time and I'm still so depressed that I can't focus on writing the thesis.

 

I see what you're saying Sam, I know that my only choices are to quit or to get on with it.. but I don't want to quit and I didn't feel able to get on with it, so I've just been hiding under the blanket with the curtains drawn, crying all the time and not answering the phone. I can't do that indefinitely, but I still don't feel able to get on with things, which leaves me sort of in limbo. Ages ago I thought if I could just get better from the depression first then I could get on with the thesis, but I've been living here for a year and I'm still depressed. You're right, the only thing I actually have control over is writing the thesis, so I should try to get on with doing that, however difficult it seems. If I could finish the thesis everything else might look a bit brighter, and as you said it would be my stepping stone out of here, I could get a job and move away. It's a struggle because my short term prospects are so miserable, but if I'd managed to motivate myself this time last year I'd be gone by now, I don't want to still be here this time next year.

[sumdude]

I know how it can be. A lot of things have happened in my life the last five years and I've had days/weeks when I couldn't get out of the funk.

 

The most important thing (and sometimes the hardest) you can do is to take control of your thoughts. One second at a time, one thought at a time. It's a force of will and no one can do it but you. Tell yourself NO! I can't go there anymore! It can be tiring and go on for while but it gets better as you practice.

 

Get busy doing something besides thinking. I don't care if it's your thesis, hiking, blowing bubbles, etc When you find your mind drifting to what has happened you have to push them away with mental force.

 

Get some exercise! Studies have been done comparing an hour a day of good sweaty exercise to anti-depressants and in most cases the results were similar.

 

Don't kick yourself, you're only human. Your ex left for whatever reasons he had for himself and it's not all your fault and there's nothing wrong with you as a human being. So you've taken a lot of time and didn't get anywhere with your thesis last year. Can't go back, can't do anything about what has passed.

 

This is all temporary, everything in life is temporary, life itself is temporary..

 

You can decide for yourself if that idea is depressing or liberating.

[Isolde]

 

I'm five years into the PhD so there's no way I can start over or transfer, I've done all the research and written half of the thesis. If I could just focus I could probably finish the thesis in six months. I'm pretty much stuck until the PhD is done. I already went part-time, then wasted that extra time and was forced to go on the sick with depression and apply for a suspension in order to get extra time, then I wasted that time too and I applied for a second suspension in order to have time to write the thesis. I keep getting all this extra time and I'm still so depressed that I can't focus on writing the thesis.

 

 

Repeat the bolded to yourself every morning... six months is NOTHING...

 

Mousey, I'm really sorry to hear about this situation, not least, the heartbreak aspect of it. But just, maybe, try the one step at a time thing. I know it's cliche, but if you're already halfway done with something, the hardest part is most likely behind you. Try to approach your thesis as a task made of multiple smaller tasks. Nothing more, or less.

 

And yes, if you just lock yourself in with the thesis it's going to loom even larger and more threatening, in your mind. This sounds counterintuitive, but try putting it in perspective, before trying to focus on it.

[Hkizzle]

Ok I was about to write my advice but then I read sumdude's advice and it's similar.

 

When you're depressed you can't control it because it's hormonally driven, and this causes you to be unmotivated and then that causes you to fall behind and get even more depressed, and then it's a feed back loop. Many people don't understand this and expect people to just come out of it.

 

So to snap out of it you need to put in a real conscious effort to change your hormonal levels.

 

I would say go out and do things but since you don't have the money YOU HAVE TO EXERCISE.

 

Exercise, and hard exercise will cause your body to pump you full of endorphins which makes you feel good and over time it can help you get back the right hormonal balance. Hard exercise will also cause your mind to be preoccupied.

 

Sit down and write down a time table that you tell yourself you will follow rigorously.

 

In the morning go for a run, if you're not in shape then walk fasst but you have to break a sweat and push yourself.

 

Then shower and relax, and then focus on your PHD till lunch. After lunch give yourself 15-30 free time to do what you want to do, but you CANNOT play online games all day.

 

Then you get back to work till dinner. After dinner, you take a gentle walk and think about your PHD and what you want to write, then write it till it's just before time to go to bed, and you shower, watch TV for 15 min and then sleep.

 

Remember RIGID time table, you have to follow it even if you don't want to or your life will fall apart again.

[Maxwell Sage]

Ur situation iz teh sux0rz.

 

I felt somewhat sorry for you until you listed looks as the first fault of your new male companion.

 

Perhaps you should be less concerned with status and appreciate things that tend to... I don't know... matter in the end?

 

Such as how much a person cares for you and how well they treat you?

 

If you weren't so caught up on how "a great catch" completely shat on your heart, you might be able to get on with your life.

 

Get in touch with what really matters to you and don't hold back when pursuing these things.

 

It sucks to hear about another nice and empathetic guy coming in second to the charming scum bag...