I was in the hopspital after my date last night

[Star Gazer]

A,

I wanted to thank you for doing the right thing last night, and ensuring my safety. As I mentioned, I have Anxiety Disorder, and I had my worst attack last night. Due to that, there's quite a bit I don't remember. It would be greatly helpful if you could fill in some missing pieces for me, as I want to learn what happened to help prevent another bad attack in the future.

 

I feel bad that you had to go through all that. It's not something that happens on a normal basis. And I've never taken a knife to myself ever. It was the severity of the attack. It'd be nice to be given the opportunity to explain what happened. I don't know what triggered it, but it's not something easily helped. It's also something not easily explained.

 

I'd hate for something that became out of my control to cause you not what to see me again, so maybe we can talk sometime in the near future. Hope your day was good.

 

Okay, well this one just makes you sound like (for lack of a better word) a crazy person. Leave out the details, including the knife.

 

If I were writing this note, I'd say this:

 

I'm not quite sure what to say, although something needs to be said. I know we had a rough night last night, and I'm sorry for that. I would greatly appreciate you hearing me out on a few things and try to understand where I'm coming from.

 

I want to thank you for doing the right thing last night, and ensuring my safety. As I mentioned, I have Anxiety Disorder. Unfortunately, before I was able to explain what that means in more detail, I had the worst attack I've ever had last night. I feel bad that you had to go through all that without having an understanding of what was happening. I want to assure you that my panic attacks do not happen on a normal basis, and when they do happen, they're far less severe.

 

Nevertheless, because last night's attack was so severe, there's quite a bit I don't remember. It would be greatly helpful if you could fill in some missing pieces for me, as I want to learn what happened and prevent another bad attack in the future.

 

I'd hate for something that became out of my control to cause you not what to see me again, so maybe we can talk sometime in the near future.

[ReturnToSender]

A,

I wanted to thank you for doing the right thing last night, and ensuring my safety. As I mentioned, I have Anxiety Disorder, and I had my worst attack last night. Due to that, there's quite a bit I don't remember. It would be greatly helpful if you could fill in some missing pieces for me, as I want to learn what happened to help prevent another bad attack in the future.

 

I feel bad that you had to go through all that. It's not something that happens on a normal basis. And I've never taken a knife to myself ever. It was the severity of the attack. It'd be nice to be given the opportunity to explain what happened. I don't know what triggered it, but it's not something easily helped. It's also something not easily explained.

 

I'd hate for something that became out of my control to cause you not what to see me again, so maybe we can talk sometime in the near future. Hope your day was good.

 

I think this is *much* better...you got to the point, kept it simple..addressed what happened, let him know you appreciate his part to help you, and left it open for him to get in touch with you.

 

Dont fret if you dont hear from him right away...Im sure hes been trying to sort through his thoughts on what happened all day, and yoru email will give him more to think about and take into consideration. I really hope that this works out for the best, and that he does follow up with you.

[Star Gazer]

And why didn't he at least call the hospital and see if I was okay. Or come with?

 

I don't know. Maybe he didn't come out of plain old fear. If you were on a 5150 hold, or something similar, he may not have been able to contact you there too.

 

Or maybe he's one of those guys who labels anything other than rainbows and sunshine "drama" and just doesn't have the manhood to stand by you. We don't know what type of guy he is yet. Try to stop worrying and speculating about it... you're going to drive yourself nutty. Wait until you're actually in a position to talk to him about it (if ever) before you beat yourself up.

 

I'm just not sure which one. Maybe one for those who have to cope with a person who has it?

 

As long as it's neutral and doesn't make your particular situation sound worse than it really is, sure.

 

I know. I really do. And I'll get over it. But I can't help but to think of the things we had planned in the future (like games, and stuff)

 

It's easy to get excited about a new person. But we must stay grounded until they prove they are worthy of us, flaws and all.

[boogieboy]

I made an edit too, I think this is perfect though. I left out the part about helping fill in the peices, I dont think that should be put on his head in an initial email.

 

Okay, well this one just makes you sound like (for lack of a better word) a crazy person. Leave out the details, including the knife.

 

If I were writing this note, I'd say this:

 

I'm not quite sure what to say, although something needs to be said. I know we had a rough night last night, and I'm sorry for that. I would greatly appreciate you hearing me out on a few things and try to understand where I'm coming from.

 

I want to thank you for doing the right thing last night, and ensuring my safety. As I mentioned, I have Anxiety Disorder. Unfortunately, before I was able to explain what that means in more detail, I had the worst attack I've ever had last night. I feel bad that you had to go through all that without having an understanding of what was happening. I want to assure you that my panic attacks do not happen on a normal basis, and when they do happen, they're far less severe.

 

One again I apologize, I still want to keep seeing you, I think we have great chemistry, so maybe we can talk sometime in the near future.

[dreamergrl]

I'm torn, I like all the revisions. And K's gonna have one for me tomorrow. I definitely don't want to come across as crazy knife lady, but do want him to know that never happened before nor will it again. Next time I have a severe attack, my ass is going to bed to wait it out.

[hoping2heal]

This is not easy for me to post about, and is taking a lot of courage, so please, if you are just going to be nasty - don't reply. I know it's an open forum and what not, but I'm having a really hard day, and am close to tears.

 

My date started out awesome as always. I came to his house, he had burgers cooking for us and fries. He got into the shower and we head off to play poker at a bar. We were going to try and be there early so I could sit next to him (I'm still learning texas hold'em). THere was only one spot open and a few tables full of people I didn't know. My anxiety started rising. I told A to take the seat and I just wanted to watch Monday night football. He keep pushing for me to play (becuz I've been very excited about this all weekend). Eventually spots opened up, so he had me come watch. During the 15 minute break, I (for the first time) brought up my anxiety disorder. (Which by the way I've been keeping under control wonderfully all on my own, until tonight). I don't normally bring up my AD - but since I could feel it rising, and I didn't want him thinking I was upset with him, I let him know.

 

After a few hours I was feeling back to par. I was shooting pool with people he knew while he was finishing.

 

That's when my attack must have hit me full force, because I don't remember anything til we were at his house. When I have a full blown anxiety attack, I block a lot out. Probably because I'm shamed of my AD. If any of you have had a full blown panic attack, then I'm sure you understand.

 

I would have stopped drinking, but I was feeling a lot better, so I just went on with it. Honestly, I had like four drinks, I can handle my liquor beyond that with no issue.

 

Anyways so flash forward to what I remember next. Me sitting on his steps clutching my bag (I had cloths to change into). Him telling me that this is all too much and it's over. I didn't think he should be driving as far as my place even to just drop me off, because he'd been drinking. I didn't want to get back into the jeep with him. It was also too late to be going on the metro alone. All I can figure is I must have said something when I was having my AA. Sometimes when I have one, my fear takes over and I say some dumb or mean ****, feeling as though I'm sticking up for myself.

 

Then flash forward (missing some parts) I was up stairs, he was down in the garage. My wrist is bleeding, bleeding really good. Now before you get ready to make a comment, I've never cut myself before. I am scared of needles for God Sakes. I could be drunk off my arse, and still freak out over the idea of getting a tattoo. Also before you think of the next comment, I love my life and I don't want to die. I *think* I was trying to distract the hard fears with pain.

 

The gash was a good one - in the sense that A felt the need to call the hospital. And of course that brought on the hospital. That just added my anxiety. I've had some bad experiences in hospitals.

 

So a lot of the ride and hospital stay is fuzzy. My arm in pain, and freaking about going to the hospital. I was crying and shaking. I've never felt such a horrible attack in my life. I think part of it is my woman friend is due in a week, so that added wacko hormones into the mix, and obviously the few drinks I had.

 

They gave me a larazapam to calm me, wrapped up my arm, and I had to wait for someone from mental health seeing how I was being a crazy head case.

 

I finally got discharged 9 this morning. I tried and tried to get a hold of someone for a ride.

 

A turn his phone off after I tried talking to him when I woke up from my sleepy pill. He asked me if I was happy with myself. I tried to explain how fuzzy everyone was, and that I wanted to know what happened. He used the term crazy and me in the same sentence. Hell I'd probably say the same if I was looking at me having the worst AA ever.

 

I feel ashamed, stupid, scared, and worried.

 

He hasn't called, texted, or emailed to see how I was doing. Some how in all the commotion - he has some of the clothes had for changing. Some how I wore his nice hoodie that I was using for a jacket last night when we got a strange cold front.

 

Thankfully the Doctor have me a script for medicine that I can take on as needed basis. Although it will make me pass out 30 minutes later.

 

Also a sheet full of low cost therapy.

 

He hasn't axed me off the social networks we're friends on.

 

I don't even know what to say to him. It's hard for me to even say all this here.

 

Nothing he did started my anxiety. Things have been awesome between us.

 

I was talking to my mom this morning, letting her know I was okay, and sharing the story (she's familiar with my AD, and has been around when I've had a few bad attacks). She told me to rest today, not to over stress about it all. She told me that if I don't hear from him by tomorrow, I should send him an email, trying to explain my AD and what not, and also to get the empty spots filled in so I can know what I'm doing when I'm having an attack, to better handle it when/if it happens again. She also seems to think he decided to hang on to some of my stuff because he wants to wait for things to calm down and have a reason to talk to me.

 

Why couldn't I control it like most other times?

 

Okay, lets have it. I'm ready for it.

 

Well, I feel TERRIBLE for you, and I empathize. I have ptsd and suffer really bad flashback episodes, I also get anxiety attacks. I'm very lucky and blessed in the fact that my partner is SO understanding about it, and he has witness some seriously bat **** crazy moments, and he's never ever made me feel ashamed, called me crazy or insinuated it. Thank God for that really, so I can only imagine how terrible it is that you liked this guy, have this happen to you and suddenly you're branded the crazy lady. One of the sweetest things he ever did for me, was get something on the subject of flashbacks and watch it with me.

 

I almost felt kind of angry for you, I understand what happened must of been alarming for him, but he should of had the empathy to think about how scary that would be for you, and I think if he would of really cared for you as a person, he actually would of (knowing the knowledge you gave him about your anxiety disorder) done some research about it and realised that your symptoms were "normal" for what you were going through. I don't know your story, but for me my anxiety and ptsd (obviously) stem from extremely traumatic childhood sexual abuse and incest events that were NOT my fault, and these conditions I have suffered from as a result of that are not my fault either.

 

I really feel bad that you weren't treated with more empathy and respect, but in a sense it's better to find out now than later. I know how scary those things are and I hope you feel better in the days that follow.

[Star Gazer]

"Crazy knife lady" <--

 

Ya know, others may disagree, but I don't think it could hurt to through some humor into it.

 

K's will be good. Wait on it.

[sb129]

Maybe he's disgusted with me. For God Sakes, I managed to cut my wrist. What normal person does that. Even though I don't have a history of it and I was going through an attack - that'd be enough to make me to want to run..

 

You are being very tough on yourself Dreamer. Its not like you went and did that on purpose. Thats why I would be sparing with my apologies if I were you.

And try and get as much information as you can- if you did leave your drink unattended its worth following up that "line of enquiry".

Def worth doing before you send the email. Just in case.

 

A,

I wanted to thank you for doing the right thing last night, and ensuring my safety. As I mentioned, I have Anxiety Disorder, and I had my worst attack last night. Due to that, there's quite a bit I don't remember. It would be greatly helpful if you could fill in some missing pieces for me, as I want to learn what happened to help prevent another bad attack in the future.

 

I feel bad that you had to go through all that. It's not something that happens on a normal basis. It'd be nice to be given the opportunity to explain what happened.

 

I'd hate for something that became out of my control to cause you not what to see me again, so maybe we can talk sometime in the near future. Hope your day was good.

 

While we're all doing some amendments, I did a little of my own on here.

I think your second message is much better- you are "owning" the problem, but not excusing or apologising for it, because its not something you chose to do.

 

I am surprised and disappointed in this guy that he didn't follow things up to at least see how you are. As you say, he could have called the hospital (although do you know for sure that he didn't?) or at least texted to see if you are OK.

[Art_Critic]

Dreamer.. this is only my opinion but honestly I think you need to focus on yourself right now rather than a guy you just met a couple of weeks ago.

Please don't start sending emails..you will just feel worse off afterwards.

 

I'm sorry you went thru it all and it is wonderful that you are safe but put your priorities in order in your life at this moment, starting with number one.. you..

 

**hugs** for all you have gone thru in the last couple of days..

[dreamergrl]

I like ALL the revisions. I wish I could mush them all together - it's make the perfect letter.

 

I am kind of irritated that he hasn't called. But, if the roles were reversed, I don't know I'd even know what to say.

 

He could have called the hospital and they didn't tell me. I turned into a bitchy bitchy patient after waking up from my first pill. I was still half bawling too. It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't tell me.

 

Okay time to change and wash my wrist - it's gonna hurt! It looks like I could have stand to have a few stitches in. But I'm no doctor.

[RedDevil66]

I'm conflicted on how to answer in this thread.

 

I'm in my mind 40's and have suffered severe PA since I was 19. They got so bad, I was housebound for a whole year when I was 20. I had a few dr's trying to dope me up, but never took any meds for it.

 

I've had my share of intense reactions to my anxiety but never had a psychotic episode as you had here.

 

I'm not clear here on how you cut yourself? What did you use?

Maybe someone did spike your drink?

How long have you know this guy you dated?

 

Personally, I don't think you need to over analyze a letter you send him. Send him what's in your heart and how you really feel.

The worst thing you can do when you suffer AD is question yourself over and over. Just be who you are.

 

Have you ever had any therapy for your PD?

[Star Gazer]

You are being very tough on yourself Dreamer. Its not like you went and did that on purpose.

 

You're being really, really tough on yourself. You did nothing wrong.

 

Dreamer.. this is only my opinion but honestly I think you need to focus on yourself right now rather than a guy you just met a couple of weeks ago.

Please don't start sending emails..you will just feel worse off afterwards.

 

10 days ago, AC. 10 days.

 

I really agree, Dreamer... and I'm inclined to think most here do. Your focus should really be on yourself right now, not recapturing this romance. If anything, your email should be more about information gathering for your own benefit, and if you feel so compelled, a simple apology for any inconvenience this situation caused.

 

After more thought, I'd edit my own revision to leave out any comment about hoping to continue to see him. That shouldn't be a priority right now, nor should that priority be communicated to him. If anything, he may think, "This girl just went crazy, and she's concerned about being able to still see me? She should be figuring out how to control this first." KWIM?

 

Opinions may differ, but I think we all agree that we want to see you take care of YOU for once.

[dreamergrl]

I am taking care of me, and just laying my thoughts out while I'm taking care of me. In fact I just washed up my cut. Ohh and who asked what I used? An effin butter knife. Can I be an dumber? My wrist looks like I was going in to carve a turkey.

 

And so it's clear.... I love my life, I didn't want to die. I can't emphasize that enough.

 

Getting my thoughts out does help me, because I'm not sitting here stewing on it all by myself. You don't even wanna know what the inside of my head looked like on the way home this morning.

[gypsy_nicky]

I wish you full recovery but I have to bring this up and hope you will reply to it.

 

how did you end up cutting yourself? Was the cut deep and do you remember some details of it? I'm sure you would if it was self inflicted even if your adrenaline was up.

 

I have experience with people having panic attacks, and they almost always never hurt themselves to mask an attack.

 

Are you sure your not suffering from something else?

[Art_Critic]

Dreamer.. forgive if this has already been answered but do you have any family you can be around right now ?

 

Have you spoken to anybody in your family today ?

[loveslife]

Dreamer, I think you've been misdiagnosed. What you describe sounds more like bi-polar disorder. I don't know for sure, but it seems too psychotic to be an anxiety attack.

 

Regardless, if I were the guy the only thing I think I would respond well to is if you said something like -

 

I am so sorry you had to be a part of what happened the other night. I have never experienced something like that before and I am getting some help to figure out what went wrong.

 

And then DG, get some help. Don't ask him for anything right now. As far as he's concerned, you are ill so what you say right now are the words of an ill person.

 

I know you're trying to sort out the stuff in your head and feel for you, I really do. The thing is, the path to what happened last night started long before you met this guy. So, while you might need to clear your head try not to focus on him too much. K?

[bac]

People with panic attacks or anxiaty disorders typically do not cut themselves. Mostly, people with depression do it when they are suicidal. People with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder do it as well. People with borderline personality disorder do it mostly to attract attention and they do not have a real intention to die. People with addictions such as severe alcohol addiction may cut themselves when they are drunk. I do not mean that you might have any of these disorders because medicine is not precise science, and all emotional problems are very complex in terms of diagnosis and causes.

What is your fear when you have a panic attack? People with a panic attack are most often afraid to die at the present moment because of an irrational reason.

[Meaplus3]

Why couldn't I control it like most other times?

 

Because sometimes this is the way anxeity or panic attacks come on.. sort of out of the blue. Dreamer, I am so sorry for what you went through here, but I can tell you that I very much can relate and it's an awful feeling. I've been doing very well practicing Cognative behavioral therapy.. it helps so much when I feel that real intense anxeity sneaking up on me. If you can find a good therapist that can help you by using CBT, I'm sure you will find that very helpful. I hope you are feeling better. And feel free to PM me anytime, I understand. Hugs.

 

Mea:)

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, Dreamer! How awful for you! Glad it is over, and you are starting to feel more grounded again. Still, what a horrendous experience.

 

I do agree with the recent posters, however, that it sounds like you've possibly been misdiagnosed. I suffered from AP Disorder for years after I OD'd (everyone in LA was doing it at the time ). When I had an attack, I felt like I was going to die. Flat out 100% convinced I was going to have a heart attack at 28, or that I would pass out in the middle of a performance, or in the middle of the grocery store, or, the worst was having a full-blown panic attack while flying. Oy. That is what AP attacks feel like. Never once did I have the thought or acted out to injure myself, so please don't discount that part, nor try to lessen it because it was a butter knife. That is very impactful behavior, and could be indictative of something different than AP Disorder.

 

As far as this guy is concerned, he's not making you a priority, and nor should you be making him one right now. YOU need to be concerned about your own health, and nothing else. Truly. What he thinks is irrelevant, as the only person who needs to matter is YOU. So, be there for YOU.

 

Do you plan on contacting any of the resources the ER staff gave you for psychiatric counseling? I definitely urge you to do so. These kind of things have a way of spiraling once they surface.

 

And yes - keep posting, writing, and be in close contact with your family as well.

 

Hang in there, Dreamergirl!

[dreamergrl]

I wish you full recovery but I have to bring this up and hope you will reply to it.

 

how did you end up cutting yourself? Was the cut deep and do you remember some details of it? I'm sure you would if it was self inflicted even if your adrenaline was up.

 

I have experience with people having panic attacks, and they almost always never hurt themselves to mask an attack.

 

Are you sure your not suffering from something else?

 

I've never ever tried to do bodily harm to myself. I don't remember doing it, but I was told it was with a butter knife.

 

I can tell when it's anxiety - and the meds I was on did help, I just didn't like feeling like a walking zombie.

 

Dreamer, I think you've been misdiagnosed. What you describe sounds more like bi-polar disorder. I don't know for sure, but it seems too psychotic to be an anxiety attack.

 

Regardless, if I were the guy the only thing I think I would respond well to is if you said something like -

 

I am so sorry you had to be a part of what happened the other night. I have never experienced something like that before and I am getting some help to figure out what went wrong.

 

And then DG, get some help. Don't ask him for anything right now. As far as he's concerned, you are ill so what you say right now are the words of an ill person.

 

I know you're trying to sort out the stuff in your head and feel for you, I really do. The thing is, the path to what happened last night started long before you met this guy. So, while you might need to clear your head try not to focus on him too much. K?

 

But for the last few months here, and a few months prior to moving, I had let go a lot of the problems that were hovering over me. My mood has been great here. I've been extremely happy. I haven't felt depressed, or massive mood extremes.

 

I will be seeing a therapist, no doubt about that. But I don't think I was misdiagnosed. Everyone has different fears. And I know what mine are, and if I can find out what triggered this, I'll know if it was related to my fears. But I think it was. I could be wrong though.

 

People with panic attacks or anxiaty disorders typically do not cut themselves. Mostly, people with depression do it when they are suicidal. People with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder do it as well. People with borderline personality disorder do it mostly to attract attention and they do not have a real intention to die. People with addictions such as severe alcohol addiction may cut themselves when they are drunk. I do not mean that you might have any of these disorders because medicine is not precise science, and all emotional problems are very complex in terms of diagnosis and causes.

What is your fear when you have a panic attack? People with a panic attack are most often afraid to die at the present moment because of an irrational reason.

 

I don't want to die, but dying isn't a big fear for me. The fears I have are a little deeper and relate to past experiences. No offense, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go into great detail.

 

Like I said before, I haven't been depressed. I've been very happy. Aside from last night's attack, I've been feeling great.

 

Because sometimes this is the way anxeity or panic attacks come on.. sort of out of the blue. Dreamer, I am so sorry for what you went through here, but I can tell you that I very much can relate and it's an awful feeling. I've been doing very well practicing Cognative behavioral therapy.. it helps so much when I feel that real intense anxeity sneaking up on me. If you can find a good therapist that can help you by using CBT, I'm sure you will find that very helpful. I hope you are feeling better. And feel free to PM me anytime, I understand. Hugs.

 

Mea:)

 

I'll look into that Mea. Thank you

[Meaplus3]

Sorry for a second post here, but the more I was reading the more I came to realize that perhaps you need to have another evaluation done. I know that when I have bad panic it's because I feel all afraid like I'm going to die.. and it's always a thought that's not rational. So, do get another eval because the cutting part really does not fit in with anxiety and panic. But. if it turns out to be panic CBT is great!

 

Mea:)

[dreamergrl]

Oh, Dreamer! How awful for you! Glad it is over, and you are starting to feel more grounded again. Still, what a horrendous experience.

 

I do agree with the recent posters, however, that it sounds like you've possibly been misdiagnosed. I suffered from AP Disorder for years after I OD'd (everyone in LA was doing it at the time ). When I had an attack, I felt like I was going to die. Flat out 100% convinced I was going to have a heart attack at 28, or that I would pass out in the middle of a performance, or in the middle of the grocery store, or, the worst was having a full-blown panic attack while flying. Oy. That is what AP attacks feel like. Never once did I have the thought or acted out to injure myself, so please don't discount that part, nor try to lessen it because it was a butter knife. That is very impactful behavior, and could be indictative of something different than AP Disorder.

 

As far as this guy is concerned, he's not making you a priority, and nor should you be making him one right now. YOU need to be concerned about your own health, and nothing else. Truly. What he thinks is irrelevant, as the only person who needs to matter is YOU. So, be there for YOU.

 

Do you plan on contacting any of the resources the ER staff gave you for psychiatric counseling? I definitely urge you to do so. These kind of things have a way of spiraling once they surface.

 

And yes - keep posting, writing, and be in close contact with your family as well.

 

Hang in there, Dreamergirl!

 

Thanks JB. He's not my priority right now, but I do feel badly for him, and I want the missing information. It would explain a lot, and settle my mind.

 

I've never had the thought or urge to harm myself either. That's what is so dumbfounding for me. I'm not unhappy with me or my life.

[dreamergrl]

Sorry for a second post here, but the more I was reading the more I came to realize that perhaps you need to have another evaluation done. I know that when I have bad panic it's because I feel all afraid like I'm going to die.. and it's always a thought that's not rational. So, do get another eval because the cutting part really does not fit in with anxiety and panic. But. if it turns out to be panic CBT is great!

 

Mea:)

 

My fear isn't death though, not saying I want to die. And I can't say for sure, because I don't remember my thoughts at the time, but to me, I think I was trying to distract myself from everything else going on. One of my fears is face to face or verbal confrontation. My throat tightens up, I feel like I can't breath, it's hard to explain. I know most people with AD are afraid they are going to die, but that's not how it is with me. I fear other things.

[dreamergrl]

Dreamer.. forgive if this has already been answered but do you have any family you can be around right now ?

 

Have you spoken to anybody in your family today ?

 

I spoke to my mom. All my family is back in Wisconsin

[Meaplus3]

My fear isn't death though, not saying I want to die. And I can't say for sure, because I don't remember my thoughts at the time, but to me, I think I was trying to distract myself from everything else going on. One of my fears is face to face or verbal confrontation. My throat tightens up, I feel like I can't breath, it's hard to explain. I know most people with AD are afraid they are going to die, but that's not how it is with me. I fear other things.

 

Well, then it's still very possible that you have some degree of anxeity and your symptoms manifest in other forms. But, since I have no formal training in this area I could not tell you for sure. I'd seek another eval from a trained therapist and really explain to him or her everything that takes place when you have an attack. The more info you can provide the easier it will be for a diagnosis to be given. I feel for you. Any uncomfortable symptoms are hard to cope with. But, do know there is hope and help available.

 

Mea:)