Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 No question that the following examples can be easily considered abusive: Hitting someone (not in self-defence)Stealing from themVerbal assault (calling someone nasty names)Sexual assaultSpreading lies/disinformation about someone This list isn't meant to be exhaustive, but I think you probably get the point. But other cases aren't quite as clear-cut. The "silent treatment"Denying sex (for reasons other than health)Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior While these three examples may not be the best way to manage in a relationship, are they abusive? And does not the use of the term "abuse" or "abusive" in cases when it's not so clear-cut actually denigrate those victims who suffer from forms of abuse as in the top four examples?
laRubiaBonita Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 But other cases aren't quite as clear-cut. The "silent treatment"Denying sex (for reasons other than health)Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior While these three examples may not be the best way to manage in a relationship, are they abusive? And does not the use of the term "abuse" or "abusive" in cases when it's not so clear-cut actually denigrate those victims who suffer from forms of abuse as in the top four examples? i think it depends on the persons motives for acting the way they are and to what degree. also it will depend on how the person the acts are directed towards perceives the actions. is it meant to cause harm? your example the 'silent treatment', i guess it could be abusive and used to detriment someone- like not speaking to a person and intinially not conveying a critical piece of information, i.e.- not telling someone who is highly allergic to nuts that there are nuts in something because you are pissed at them about some other thing (extreme) less extreme- just doing it to piss someone off. i wouldn't necessarily label the latter abuse, just immature. but i am not sure of your question- do you mean that latter examples take the severity away from the former examples?
Author Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 do you mean that latter examples take the severity away from the former examples?Yes, exactly. By using the term "abuse" in virtually every situation whereby a couple is engaged in conflict, it serves to water down the term so it may become virtually meaningless. I mean, there's a world of difference between physically pounding someone into a twitching heap and, for instance, withdrawing or using the silent treatment (notwithstanding your example of a nut allergy) on someone. I do understand that the term can be used for a continuum of behaviors - I just wonder if the term is being used too loosely.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 (notwithstanding your example of a nut allergy) :D i like that example( ithink it's funny and i hope no one would ever do that) :D i agree to extent that is is over used and therefore gets taken less seriously than it should in some instances. but Abuse renders more attention than "that person is manipulative". it's all about attention.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thaddeus, have you ever gotten close to or worked with someone who's passive-aggressive? It's not called "crazy-making" for no reason at all.
marlena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Personally, I think people who display passive/aggressive behaviour have serious psychological issues. I have found that most people who resort to these tactics are stubborn, selfish, uncommunicative and emotionally constipated. Unable for the most part to express their emotions, they bottle them up inside where they let them fester and grow like a cancer that's corrosive to their emotional an mental health. People who come into their direct line of fire suffer greatly because conflict is never resolved. So, yes, I do consider this type of behaviour very cruel as it is deliberate and extremely manipulative. If asked which I would a prefer, a slap in the face or a door permanently shut in my face, I think I'd go with the slap.
Author Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Thaddeus, have you ever gotten close to or worked with someone who's passive-aggressive? It's not called "crazy-making" for no reason at all.Yup. Sure have. Was married to one once.
quankanne Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 and a complete lack of respect for other, IMO But other cases aren't quite as clear-cut. * The "silent treatment" * Denying sex (for reasons other than health) * Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior interesting that you point these out as potentially abusive behavior, Thad – it's something I've talked about with my husband. Specifically how this leads to an unhealthy relationship if it's the normal way of handling issues, rather than communicating. I completely understand being the recipient of the silent treatment if I realize it means DH is trying his best not to say anything in anger that cannot be taken back, because I tend to clam up until I'm in a better frame of mind to communicate my thoughts/feelings with him. However, to someone who doesn't understand this other part of the equation (avoiding harsh words, calming down, etc), I'll admit it looks horrible ...
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Yup. Sure have. Was married to one once.If this was the cheater, do you feel her cheating was a form of passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you also feel she emotionally scarred you about women and/or marriage?
quankanne Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 People who come into their direct line of fire suffer greatly because conflict is never resolved. it also seems like these folks need that drama, or upheaval, to create a sense of "balance" in their world ... IMO
Author Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 If this was the cheater, do you feel her cheating was a form of passive-aggressive behaviour?No, I think it was just her narcissism.Do you also feel she emotionally scarred you about women and/or marriage?I didn't know I was "emotionally scarred." (I get the underlying subtext but don't agree with your assessment.)
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 But other cases aren't quite as clear-cut. The "silent treatment"Denying sex (for reasons other than health)Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior While these three examples may not be the best way to manage in a relationship, are they abusive? No. There are tons of behaviors that breakdown a relationship, or prevent it from growing. But passive-aggressive, childish behavior is not abuse, IMO. Like you said in the other thread, characterizing these behaviors as "abuse" only lessens the meaning of the word.
sb129 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Personally, I think people who display passive/aggressive behaviour have serious psychological issues. I have found that most people who resort to these tactics are stubborn, selfish, uncommunicative and emotionally constipated. Unable for the most part to express their emotions, they bottle them up inside where they let them fester and grow like a cancer that's corrosive to their emotional an mental health. People who come into their direct line of fire suffer greatly because conflict is never resolved. Agreed. I work with a woman who is very passive aggressive at work (I think she is a bit more outwardly aggressive at home) and whenever she is called up on any unprofessional behaviour, she plays the victim card. Over and over again. Its exhausting! I think with respect to the examples you used Thad, it would depend on the situation and extent to which it was "utilised". The silent treatment for a short time while you collect your thoughts after a disagreement isn't abuse- but I think it could be called psychological abuse if it goes on for more than a day. Same with sex- if you have had a disagreement, chances are one of you may take longer to be up for it than the other, however withholding it for extended periods of time is damaging to your relationship, and again, could be classed as psychological abuse.
sweetjasmine Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 But other cases aren't quite as clear-cut. The "silent treatment"Denying sex (for reasons other than health)Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior While these three examples may not be the best way to manage in a relationship, are they abusive? I think it really depends on the situation. If someone constantly insults you and you give them the silent treatment, you're not being abusive to them. If you deny someone sex because you're not interested, that's not being abusive. But those very same things can be used as a weapon. "I refuse to talk to you until you do X for me" or "I won't sleep with you unless you do Y" can be abusive.
marlena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 The silent treatment for a short time while you collect your thoughts after a disagreement isn't abuse- but I think it could be called psychological abuse if it goes on for more than a day. I know people who can go on with silent treatment for weeks. When that's not enough, they proceed to withold sex just for good measure. It is their way of punishing the other person without having to deal with an outight open confrontation. These types of people hate confrontation because that would mean baring their emotions which they are loathe to do. The target of this psychological abuse is bewildered and miserable and feels helpless. Understandably so. His/her every attempt at resolving issues is met wth stone cold silence which increases his resentment and frustration. It is a vicious cycle leading to nowhere but a dead-end in the relationship. Yet, still, some carry on like this for years. It becomes an established dynamic in their relationship/marriage. After a while, the victim learns to live with it, accepts it and by doing so enables it. Not unlike the Stockhom syndrome. I cringe whenever I meet couples like this.
Trialbyfire Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think it really depends on the situation. If someone constantly insults you and you give them the silent treatment, you're not being abusive to them. If you deny someone sex because you're not interested, that's not being abusive. But those very same things can be used as a weapon. "I refuse to talk to you until you do X for me" or "I won't sleep with you unless you do Y" can be abusive.This makes sense to me. It also depends on how close you are to people and also, the environment you're in. If you're not a close friend, family or partner, where relationship expectations are different, the silent treatment is a way to get rid of a negative influence in your life. As an example, this site. Ignoring people is greatly encouraged on this site, whereby proactively responding to negative behaviour is a bannable offense.
bayouboi Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 The target of this psychological abuse is bewildered and miserable and feels helpless. Understandably so. His/her every attempt at resolving issues is met wth stone cold silence which increases his resentment and frustration. It is a vicious cycle leading to nowhere but a dead-end in the relationship. Yet, still, some carry on like this for years. It becomes an established dynamic in their relationship/marriage. After a while, the victim learns to live with it, accepts it and by doing so enables it. Not unlike the Stockhom syndrome. I cringe whenever I meet couples like this. Is there any way to break the cycle if you're the victim?
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