Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Heya guys! Its been nearly 5 months....and I'm struggling with being on my own Before we got together I suffered agrophobia and panic attacks. I was always alone and shut up in my own little world. I filled my alone time with melancholy, negative thoughts, depression and anxiety. I was convinced I would never meet anyone because I thought I was so f-ed up as a person and I had a lot of negative views about relationships/love/fidelity. Then I met my ex and I got ahead of myself with all of these hopes and expectations about our life. Now that we have come to an end...I feel SO ALONE. I don't know how to figure out how to be happy alone. It just reminds me of lonely times as a child or the years I spent depressed as an agrophobic, and i'm scared to return to that. How do you find happiness in being alone?
Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I used to want to stay home all the time too. I was never agoraphobic, more like a case of social anxiety, a fear of embarrassment or something else happening in public. When my ex left me, it actually inspired a lot of changes in me, I started going out to dinner with friends who have known me and my issues for many years, and it blew them away that I was finally changing. I don't know you personally so it's a bit hard to give exact advice, but you just need to find things you're passionate about, things that will get you to leave the house. Join a gym, take a class, go for walks in nature. If you don't like feeling alone, staying in your house is not going to help you. Go out and before you know it someone may approach you. I still have a lot of my old thoughts that run through my head, when someone asks me to go out for a drink I almost automatically turn them down, but I remind myself that my next girlfriend could be at the bar that night. It's good that you at least realize the mistake you made, you used your relationship as a bit of a crutch, it made you happy and gave you things to look forward to without ever really having to face the problems that you knew you had. Now that support is gone and you're back to realizing that you aren't exactly happy with the way things are. It may be painful, but don't ignore it, force yourself to look in the mirror during this lonely time and figure out what you need to change. The WORST thing to do, would be to rush finding a new partner, so you can feel that surge of happy chemicals and hormones you get from a relationship, and still have never dealt with your issues. Write out a list of some of your interests. Write out what would make you happy. Figure out things to do. If you have trouble answering the question "what would make me happy", well then you really have some deep digging to do in your mind and heart. There should be an answer to that question aside from "finding someone to be with". Just imagine you can't have a relationship for a while, what ELSE will make you happy. You need to find out.
Maxwell Sage Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I concur with Exit. The best thing to do when you're lonely is whatever feels fulfilling. For me, it's writing music and playing Poke'mon cards. These things could never replace the sense of happiness and security that I got from my ex for the last three years, but they're a decent distraction as well as a means of making myself happy. As far as finding someone new goes, I look at this situation similar to how I view finding a job. I think you need to keep submitting applications (finding new people to talk to) until things click and you establish what you've been looking for. This has been no easy task for me as I've been experiencing the same pessimistic thoughts you described. But for now, knowing that I'm making slow progress is enough to keep me from feeling too anxious. Coming here and venting like you did is a good way of coping. I hope you feel better!
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks guys! I guess its because when i'm alone I always get negatives creeping in rather than the positives of wooo i'm free, wooo i'm this! I just think ahhh i'm alone, that's bad!
Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well, one of my favorite things to do "alone" is working out. Maybe you would enjoy that, plus the added benefit of getting in shape and boosting your confidence.
Recommended Posts