BellaLeigh Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I am new to all of this and am just looking for some honest advice… I am 25, my boyfriend is 29, we have been together almost 4 years, and have lived together for 2 years. We have a very good relationship overall and both agree that we are happier than most people we know. So… I am concerned about the whole marriage topic. He can’t even talk about marriage. I am not one of those girls that would try to push anything on him or make him do anything. I would only be hurting myself. However, I do think that we have been together long enough to talk about this like adults. I think I deserve to know what is in my future and if I am wasting my time. There are times when he will talk about it casually like “when we get married” or “at our wedding” or “I’m going marry you one day” but if it’s ever a serious discussion he cant handle it. He tells me “he loves me more than anything” and “couldn’t ever be with anyone but me” and “he does for sure want to marry me one day he just has no idea when”. I am not questioning his love or feelings for me but I am truly questioning whether or not I am being strung along. A lot of guys will tell girls things they think they may want to hear to keep them around. I do not want to be married now, not for about another 3-4 years but I wouldn’t mind being engaged now or sometime within the next 1-2 years. I have told him that I would like a 2 to 3 year engagement. I don’t want to be married because everyone else is or because I think we “should be” I want it in time because I love him, I want to have a family with him someday and I don’t want children out of wedlock. I want to be his partner and be looked at as a family not as “his girlfriend” forever. I don’t think what I want is unrealistic or rushing things but no matter what I say he always says I am in a rush and I’m really not I just like to have goals and know what I am going do with my life. I still have about 2 years of school left and want to be done with that before I would ever even actually get married. I know I have gone on and on but my main concern is just that its never going to happen and that in a couple years he going to say “in a couple years” and then when a couple years go by its going to be “in a couple years” and so on. I just want to know if this is normal, if I worry to much, if I am out of line to talk about it, if I being led on?
abd Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable, and from what you've described it doesn't sound like you are being too pushy. I wonder why he is so averse to even having a serious conversation about it. Getting engaged in 1-2 years and married in another 2 to 3 after that isn't exactly rushing things. Maybe you should ask him what about having a serious conversation scares him? Not to be confrontational, but because you are genuinely wondering....
2sure Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I don’t want to be married because everyone else is or because I think we “should be” I want it in time because I love him, I want to have a family with him someday and I don’t want children out of wedlock. I want to be his partner and be looked at as a family not as “his girlfriend” forever. Certainly your expectations are normal and healthy. Having the conversation with your partner after this amount of years, is also to be expected, natural, and healthy. But not to him. He wont even have the conversation.
Kamille Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You say you have two years of school left. What about him? Is he well established in his career? Does he own a home? What does he want for himself? IMO, men need to feel like they've accomplished a few things in their lives before they can finally settle down to a family. What are his goals? What does he hope to accomplish? What does he want? Understanding what drives him might help you undertand why he is still unconfortable talking about marriage.
Author BellaLeigh Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 You say you have two years of school left. What about him? Is he well established in his career? Does he own a home? What does he want for himself? IMO, men need to feel like they've accomplished a few things in their lives before they can finally settle down to a family. What are his goals? What does he hope to accomplish? What does he want? Understanding what drives him might help you undertand why he is still unconfortable talking about marriage. Thank you for in input, you have a really good point. He does have a good job and he makes decent money but he hate it. he didnt graduate highschool but has his ged. he has talked about wanting to join the reserves and i have encouraged him to do so. He says sometimes that he wants to do something important and i try to support him. I think he needs something that he is proud of something he enjoys and loves. I have told him this a few times though and he has looked into but thats about it. he has alot going for him he does own "our home" he has a nice cars (3) a bike etc. He has more going for him than he knows but I know he isnt 100% happy with where he is at he admits it sometimes. i just dont know what more i can do that encourage him to do something.
Author BellaLeigh Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable, and from what you've described it doesn't sound like you are being too pushy. I wonder why he is so averse to even having a serious conversation about it. Getting engaged in 1-2 years and married in another 2 to 3 after that isn't exactly rushing things. Maybe you should ask him what about having a serious conversation scares him? Not to be confrontational, but because you are genuinely wondering.... Thanks for you input. I have tried that too. Its rare that he is open to it and even if he is we can talk about it monts down the road and he wont be open to it. He just cant handle it for some reason and shuts down and doesnt listen even if it a normal no pressure healthy convo.
Author BellaLeigh Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I don’t want to be married because everyone else is or because I think we “should be” I want it in time because I love him, I want to have a family with him someday and I don’t want children out of wedlock. I want to be his partner and be looked at as a family not as “his girlfriend” forever. Certainly your expectations are normal and healthy. Having the conversation with your partner after this amount of years, is also to be expected, natural, and healthy. But not to him. He wont even have the conversation. so would you say he doesnt love me the way he acts/says he does?
2sure Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 He may not believe in marriage in gerneral, he may not believe in marriage to you. But he should at the very least believe in normal conversations about the subject
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thank you for in input, you have a really good point. He does have a good job and he makes decent money but he hate it. he didnt graduate highschool but has his ged. he has talked about wanting to join the reserves and i have encouraged him to do so. He says sometimes that he wants to do something important and i try to support him. I think he needs something that he is proud of something he enjoys and loves. I have told him this a few times though and he has looked into but thats about it. he has alot going for him he does own "our home" he has a nice cars (3) a bike etc. He has more going for him than he knows but I know he isnt 100% happy with where he is at he admits it sometimes. i just dont know what more i can do that encourage him to do something. I will ask, as we Canadians are really daft when it comes to Americans, but are you 2 in debt? Home, multiple cars, bike, probably other toys..... Sounds like he has a lot that he considers his own, not yours.....
norajane Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Maybe he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't feel like he's good enough for you. Since you'll be getting your degree in a couple of years, and he only has his ged, he likely believes that you are "smarter" than he is, that you will have a higher earning potential than he will, and he just can't bring himself to talk about it because it all underscores his "failures" or his frustration at feeling like he's stuck in a rut right where he is. Also, if he's not a goal oriented person and just talks about doing things but doesn't do them, then he may feel that marriage is a trap that will take away his freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. If he joins the reserves, well, reservists are being sent to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan these days...he may feel that is too much uncertainty for marriage. It's also possible that he already has everything he wants. You're together, you're living with him, and he is very secure that you want to be with him. What does he need marriage for? The bottom line is, if he can't even talk about it with you, he's certainly not going to propose. He has to be able to open up to you about what his specific concerns are, or at least why he can't bring himself to have a discussion with you about it.
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