Is it normal to feel like this?

[Dooda]

I have had anxiety for two years. It has kept on getting worse and worse. Now it has come to the point where I feel I can't be myself with anybody. Someitmes I'll lighten up and be able to enjoy myself and be a fun person like I used to be. But, right after that I'll keep thinking to myself about how I acted and how I 'performed', and then I'll wonder if people will keep expecting that out of me.

 

Most times when I'm in a social setting, I'll slowly become shut off or just act totally socially awkward because I don't want to feel like I'm left out. I just can't be myself and simply stop questioning myself and be so introspective. I have friends, but it just seems like I can't connect with them anymore, and the same goes with family.

 

I have good times and I have bad times, and these fluctuate between the day. Right now I'm having a bad time.

 

I'm constantly thinking and judging myself, and it's like a normal habit and reflex for me. I'm tired of not being able to be myself, and it's driving me crazy. I'm really worried I have a life long personality disorder like Avoidant personality disorder or something like that rather than Anxiety and social anxiety disorder.

 

I have depersonalisation, derealisation and feel confused and lost all the time. I don't have panic attacks but I have other physical symptoms like sweating in uncomfortable situations or like weird pains.

 

Has anyone ever gone through this before? Has it ever gotten to the point for you where you're just not there anymore, not really caring and can't stop thinking stupid, irrational thoughts in your mind? Have you ever managed to recover?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think I am often the same.

 

I had panic attacks/agrophobia a few years ago and all that shook me out of that was my relationship.

 

Since I was a kid i've found it hard to reach out, say whats on my mind. I can only really express myself through writing and art. I often feel closed up and isolated and when I show the good sides to me I too obsess about my 'performance' and how people wont like the 'real' me, which is murky and full of negative, self-destructive thoughts. Unfortunately I don't know how to beat this because my natural mind-set is switched to negative, even when I think positively...a negative thought comes in almost like something unconscious. I am a 'thinker' and can never STOP thinking, because of this I just go around and around in circles. I don't really know what the answer is, other than - you are NOT on your own. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[Dooda]

Wow, Nikki, it's exactly the same for me. Everytime I try and prep talk myself into feeling better and telling myself I'm not crazy, I don't have a permanent life illness, something tells me I do and that I'm doomed for life. My subconcious mind is taking over my thoughts and I just can't think straight anymore.

I guess it's because we've been so used to this for so long it's like even with concious effort, we can't recover, because our subconcious is so malrooted with these irrational thoughts and fears. I know everyone says it's all in my mind, I'm just being anxious, but it's really not that easy. Every day passes, and it gets worse and worse. Throughout the day, I have bad mood swings and cahnges in self-confidence and my outlook on life. In the morning I'm happy, in the night I'm grim.

I don't have panic attacks but I definetly have agoraphobia, social phobia and lots of the physical and mental symptoms that accompany them: sweating, feel like somethings stopping me from breathing properly sometimes, weird pains in my arms like soemthign heating up, depersonalisaton, confusion... it goes on and on...

 

It's so hard to know how to get throught this or if it's even humanly possible, because everyone that has gotten through it won't take the time to look through forums like this, becuase they won't care anymore.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Its a big effort to change how you think.

 

I also think its a 'safe' thing to think negatively because if you are negative, then you can never be disapointed. If you think you'll fail before you fail, then getting excited about winning and then losing won't hurt so much. But its a HORRIBLE way to live. I don't know where it stems from, and I guess you have to find the root. I know mine comes from childhood. I know I was shy, jealous, insecure as a child. I felt forced into things when I lacked the self-confidence to do them. I don't know exactly why, just I feel like i've been like that for most of my life. When I look back at pictures of myself as a kid I could cry because I feel i've failed myself and let that girl down with my mindset. You have to learn to be positive but as you said when you've already been conditioned or conditioned yourself to be negative its a hard habit to break. I sometimes wonder if hypnotherapy would work....

[Dooda]

No, Nikki, I don't think its 'safe' to be negative all the time. I don't think we should feel safe in being alone and unconnected to people. I want to be different, and I want to be myself again. Don't you?

We differ in the sense that I've never had this problem my whole life. Before I had this, I was alot more self-confident and could enjoy myself with people. I was apart of the group and, even though I had my moments of shyness, I wasn't overly shy. I was shy with people older than me or when I was in ackward social settings, but most of the time I was myself and was always one of the more boisterous kids.

 

I think moving had a big impact on me, and my parents being somewhat if not very abusive to me throughout most of my life. I'm not saying I am or was the most perfect son, but they would never treat me in the way that allowed me to gain or retain any amount of self-respect or dignity. That's why I guess I'm naturally an anxious person. But I don't want to be anxious, and that's a wrong thing to say that it's safe to be anxious, because we're not safe in our anxiety; we're insecure and unsure, all the time.

 

Do you ever go through any mood swings? Like, throughout the day, do you have fluctuations on how you feel/ are you more/less anxious at certain times of the day? Because that happens to me.

[Nikki Sahagin]

No, Nikki, I don't think its 'safe' to be negative all the time. I don't think we should feel safe in being alone and unconnected to people. I want to be different, and I want to be myself again. Don't you?

We differ in the sense that I've never had this problem my whole life. Before I had this, I was alot more self-confident and could enjoy myself with people. I was apart of the group and, even though I had my moments of shyness, I wasn't overly shy. I was shy with people older than me or when I was in ackward social settings, but most of the time I was myself and was always one of the more boisterous kids.

 

I think moving had a big impact on me, and my parents being somewhat if not very abusive to me throughout most of my life. I'm not saying I am or was the most perfect son, but they would never treat me in the way that allowed me to gain or retain any amount of self-respect or dignity. That's why I guess I'm naturally an anxious person. But I don't want to be anxious, and that's a wrong thing to say that it's safe to be anxious, because we're not safe in our anxiety; we're insecure and unsure, all the time.

 

Do you ever go through any mood swings? Like, throughout the day, do you have fluctuations on how you feel/ are you more/less anxious at certain times of the day? Because that happens to me.

 

I suppose what I mean by safe is that anyway that you are used to...is kind of your automatic response, it is familiar and so to behave differently automatically feels uncomfortable. If you are a negative thinker, then when you think positively, it feels like veering into dangerous territory, and you can quickly recoil back into your negative ways, because hey at least thats predictable, familiar, you know how that goes. I suppose this isn't the same for everybody, but I suppose for me I felt safe in my depression and anxiety because often I perceived other people and the world as the threat, so to be alone, was uncomfortable, but safe...I couldn't be hurt by anyone but myself, because I wasn't allowing myself to participate in life. But yes I do want to be different, and was for a while, I used my relationship as the arm to go out on so I wasn't truly alone whilst I explored people and the world.

 

You mention abuse....can you elaborate further? Also where did you move to? Have you got a job/friends/hobbies, any kind of grounding there? Anything that gives you an identity there? Or are you kind of free to disapear in your own world regularly?

 

Yes my mood changes a LOT. I used to find any reason; like...i'm a teenager, i'm a girl, i'm a gemini. At the end of the day, its all excuses. I go from happy to sad to bored to angry to happy again, and all quite quickly. One thing i've noticed with myself, which may be different with you, is that because I think so much, I see everything from every side. Because of this I am very indecisive, I find it hard to take action because just as I psyche myself up to do something, I consider other possibilites. I think this feeds into anxiety because it stops you changing because you are too busy thinking and seeing everything from every angle, without really knowing which angle you agree with most.

[Dooda]

But you do want to be the better part of yourself, don't you? Not just the person that keeps thinking.

 

My parents would verbally abuse me by constantly calling me names whenever I did something wrong or would argue back. They would hit me, or do things like rip my clothes or break my things (my games, whatever they could get their hands on that they knew I liked alot; they would usually break something they just got me (that's more my father)). I used to think it's normal, but now I know it's not. I was never a sensitive kid. I didn't really care what people had to say, I was more the hard-head argumentative type. I still am that guy. My close friends and the ones that knew me before knew that.

There was this year where I became really different and distant. It was in my second last year of high school, and ever since then it has gotten worse.

I was never introspective before, which drives me crazy, because it's simply not me, not like how I am, or who I am. I used to make fun of my brother because he was so introspective. Have you always been a thinker? Always? I just don't want to be like this, I'm so tired of it. I want to just be me, that's all I want. I'm stuck in a deep hole and it's like I can't grip the edges, you know what I mean.

Everytime I start carrying myself out, I put myself in. But I don't feel secure and safe here in this lonely place that's my own self-conciousness. Perhaps you've been dealing with this too long to see anyway out, but I hope you do. I hope you'll see that there is hope, and if there's nothing else than there's atleast that.

 

I do have friends, the average amount of friends someone has. I have like 5 or 6 good friends, but as I said I feel I can't connect with people anymore.

The mood swings get to me, so bad. It's like one moment I'm fine and happy, the next I'm nothing at all. I feel when I'm well rested and have just taken a shower I'm in the best mood. When I'm with people know, I am alot more self-confident and not so worried about what people have to say. But, at the same time, I sometimes get shut off and not listening to what they're saying.

I go to social events, like parties or whatever else you like. But, while I'm at them, for the most part I feel awkward and out of place. I usually want to get out after a couple of hours because I'm feeling so insecure and not apart of the people. I can't relate to the people like I used to.

 

I hope you'll find your willingness to find the life in you again, for atleast then you'll find the hope to become what you're not now, which is what you were before or what you're 'supposed' to be.

Do you ever question yourself at all and ask, "Why am I unable to be myself?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "I just want to be myself again." "I want to have feelings and be out there again."

 

Also, do you get any anxiety symptoms? Like depersonalisatoin, derealisatoin, confusion, racing thoughts, etc...

 

And what do you mean you're indecisive? Like you'll be like I want to get this sandwich. No, but it's not good I won't get it. For me, it's more I don't care. Because I'm so consumed in my thoughts and the small things I fail to see the bigger picture and just be a part of life and not have this stupd thoughts ruling my life.

[Eve]

No, Nikki, I don't think its 'safe' to be negative all the time. I don't think we should feel safe in being alone and unconnected to people. I want to be different, and I want to be myself again. Don't you?

We differ in the sense that I've never had this problem my whole life. Before I had this, I was alot more self-confident and could enjoy myself with people. I was apart of the group and, even though I had my moments of shyness, I wasn't overly shy. I was shy with people older than me or when I was in ackward social settings, but most of the time I was myself and was always one of the more boisterous kids.

 

I think moving had a big impact on me, and my parents being somewhat if not very abusive to me throughout most of my life. I'm not saying I am or was the most perfect son, but they would never treat me in the way that allowed me to gain or retain any amount of self-respect or dignity. That's why I guess I'm naturally an anxious person. But I don't want to be anxious, and that's a wrong thing to say that it's safe to be anxious, because we're not safe in our anxiety; we're insecure and unsure, all the time.

 

Do you ever go through any mood swings? Like, throughout the day, do you have fluctuations on how you feel/ are you more/less anxious at certain times of the day? Because that happens to me.

 

Just wondering if you have had a formal diagnosis?

 

I can only offer the perspective of actually doing the things which scare you in order to know that you wont die in aspiring to achieve better than what you have today. I have survived a lot of things and would say that I am who I am today because I allowed myself the opportunity to experience those things that were in one way or another denied, alien, or simply seemed unobtainable. As lonely and terrifying as it all was at the time/s .. I grew. A mixture of counselling and learning about counselling techniques helped a lot. Taking the emphasis off myself also aided greatly. Plus after a while it became rather boring and I attracted people who were more deeply entrenched than I who had nothing to offer other than their own anxiety. I have said on LS before that at a certain point I stopped talking about the past altogether and let it all die. For me, there was no other way because unfortunately my experiences were pretty extreme.

 

To be honest, I didnt really think I would heal completely and so decided that there were certain things I had to accept about myself. Now, none of the original issues exist in my life and I dont ever think about them.

 

Dont know if this helps.

 

Overall, lists and keeping a diary helped me a lot, as well as my faith. I thought a post on the self improvement section highlights the usefulness of setting targets fabulously.. but I cant remember the title of it at the moment. The poster is called Nuala or something like that.

 

But you do need to be honest with yourself and consider if maybe this is who you are now and whether in fact you can actually change. Maybe write down what issues are of a medical nature and which are not. That could be a start at least? Then consider what the treatment options are.

 

I have nearly finished a book by the guy who started 'The Big Issue', you know, the organisation that helps the homeless to help themself. Fab little book! I liked his description of how he gave himself a target of 3% change and slowly built up to be who he is today. Its not a flowery, pat on the back type of book and is written in a very coloquial style but I think it could be relevant for a wider audience than the homeless. If you want I can give you the title.

 

Anyhow, onwards and upwards?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Dooda]

Stop thinking and start doing right? It's not that easy, though. Everytime I start to tell myself I'll do something that'll help change me for the better, like exercise everyday or stop being consumed with these thoughts, a fewer hours pass and my goals are long gone wishes. The motivation is sapped out of me.

The second I tell myself that I don't need to worry and my life is fine and I'm not sick or 'psycho', there's something in the background reminding me of the irrational and anxious thoughts I have. It's like whenever I try and make a concious effort to do something better with my life, the anxiety eats my conciousness alive. The more I try and fight it, the worse it gets and eventually I just end up feeling more spaced out, alone and anxious than I did in the first place.

 

I was formally diagnosed and told I have Anxiety. I was prescribed meds but they never helped and simply made me feel more drowsy, spaced out and they gave me bad eating habits (by the end of 3 months use I was beggining to develop male boobs even though I'm pretty skinny). I wasn't able to convey my true feelings to the doctors other than that I was feeling depressed and anxoius, and had feelings like depersonalisation/derealisation, confusoin, racing thoughts.

 

What am I supposed to do other than to combat these thoughts? How do I get back into my faith when I've lost so much of it?

I would like to know the title of that book, if that is possible. Was the man who wrote it homeless in the first place?

Thanks.

[Dooda]

There's also a part of me that doesn't want to, like it's too scary to see how it will be on the other side, like it's too hard to imagine that I will ever not be anxious. I guess that's why I'm so unable to take action and make a move.

[Nikki Sahagin]

But you do want to be the better part of yourself, don't you? Not just the person that keeps thinking.

 

My parents would verbally abuse me by constantly calling me names whenever I did something wrong or would argue back. They would hit me, or do things like rip my clothes or break my things (my games, whatever they could get their hands on that they knew I liked alot; they would usually break something they just got me (that's more my father)). I used to think it's normal, but now I know it's not. I was never a sensitive kid. I didn't really care what people had to say, I was more the hard-head argumentative type. I still am that guy. My close friends and the ones that knew me before knew that.

There was this year where I became really different and distant. It was in my second last year of high school, and ever since then it has gotten worse.

I was never introspective before, which drives me crazy, because it's simply not me, not like how I am, or who I am. I used to make fun of my brother because he was so introspective. Have you always been a thinker? Always? I just don't want to be like this, I'm so tired of it. I want to just be me, that's all I want. I'm stuck in a deep hole and it's like I can't grip the edges, you know what I mean.

Everytime I start carrying myself out, I put myself in. But I don't feel secure and safe here in this lonely place that's my own self-conciousness. Perhaps you've been dealing with this too long to see anyway out, but I hope you do. I hope you'll see that there is hope, and if there's nothing else than there's atleast that.

 

I do have friends, the average amount of friends someone has. I have like 5 or 6 good friends, but as I said I feel I can't connect with people anymore.

The mood swings get to me, so bad. It's like one moment I'm fine and happy, the next I'm nothing at all. I feel when I'm well rested and have just taken a shower I'm in the best mood. When I'm with people know, I am alot more self-confident and not so worried about what people have to say. But, at the same time, I sometimes get shut off and not listening to what they're saying.

I go to social events, like parties or whatever else you like. But, while I'm at them, for the most part I feel awkward and out of place. I usually want to get out after a couple of hours because I'm feeling so insecure and not apart of the people. I can't relate to the people like I used to.

 

I hope you'll find your willingness to find the life in you again, for atleast then you'll find the hope to become what you're not now, which is what you were before or what you're 'supposed' to be.

Do you ever question yourself at all and ask, "Why am I unable to be myself?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "I just want to be myself again." "I want to have feelings and be out there again."

 

Also, do you get any anxiety symptoms? Like depersonalisatoin, derealisatoin, confusion, racing thoughts, etc...

 

And what do you mean you're indecisive? Like you'll be like I want to get this sandwich. No, but it's not good I won't get it. For me, it's more I don't care. Because I'm so consumed in my thoughts and the small things I fail to see the bigger picture and just be a part of life and not have this stupd thoughts ruling my life.

 

Yes I do want to be the best me I have a whole load of issues which I wont go into, otherwise i'm highjacking this thread, but in part my distance, my decision to be alone, and my withdrawal stemmed from experiences that made me believe that people are inherently selfish and don't care. I felt confused about myself, who I was, life and I kept coming up against people who I felt were distracted by silly things like drinking and sex, and not anything deeper. I felt they didn't care. Probably - I just take life too seriously and need to learn balance.

 

As you have said, the way your parents treated you is DEFINATELY NOT RIGHT. It is very cruel. You say you were never sensitive; have you had problems ever in feeling emotional about things?

 

You say you became distant at a certain time. Do you think this perhaps stemmed from the way your parents treated you? That because the people closest to you treated you so badly, you began to feel distant to people en masse? I think this is quite common. If the people that are meant to care the most let you down, then sometimes it feels quite natural to detatch from others, to protect oneself from hurt/confusion. Maybe you developed this distance to help protect and preserve yourself.

 

I've always been a thinker but I was very shy. I think I was just a late bloomer and always pushed into things before my time, never allowed to reach out when I was ready, so I just felt awkward and uncomfortable a lot in many situations.

 

The good thing is you can recognise that this condition/illness/whatever you wish to call it - these thoughts, this attitude are NOT you, but something you are going through. You know there is another person behind and underneath this that for some reason has been clouded over. Its the same with me. Even if I am shy etc, I am NOT defined by these thoughts/emotions - we have personalities of our own, just for some reason we are going through this stage, phase, whatever we can define it as!

 

I do question myself yes.....I am quite self-aware and self-conscious. I know who I am I think but I lack the confidence to always back it up. I have strong opinions but I often shrink underneath the weight of others.

 

I do get bombarded with thoughts and confused but not the other two.

 

I'm indesicive as in....erm.....anything I want to do, I can think of the opposite, i.e.

"I want to go the party, it will be fun, I will see people and have a great time!"

"I don't want to go to the party. I'd rather be alone and relax and think."

 

That kind of thing

[Nikki Sahagin]

There's also a part of me that doesn't want to, like it's too scary to see how it will be on the other side, like it's too hard to imagine that I will ever not be anxious. I guess that's why I'm so unable to take action and make a move.

 

This is kind of what I meant by feeling 'safe' in the anxiety/depression. It is scary to CHANGE. ALL CHANGE IS SCARY. It is scary to try and think you might fail. Scary to change and feel uncomfortable. Scary to think you will be a different person. As much as it is also desirable. You need some kind of motivation or goal that can reaffirm this for you.....like....I want to travel one day, go to university, be a father one day....I want to be something that will NEED me to sort myself out!

[Dooda]

You say you became distant at a certain time. Do you think this perhaps stemmed from the way your parents treated you? That because the people closest to you treated you so badly, you began to feel distant to people en masse? I think this is quite common. If the people that are meant to care the most let you down, then sometimes it feels quite natural to detatch from others, to protect oneself from hurt/confusion. Maybe you developed this distance to help protect and preserve yourself.

I think that's exactly what it is. It's like I feel betrayed by them, and they don't understand how they have made me feel. Recently, I have tried to bring up the issue, of how I feel I'm being dealt with. My father constantly belittles and pressures me about everything in life. Everything that is done I feel I'm doing for him. There are no choices of my own. It's all about him, and how he wants it, and if it's not done his way and exactly his way, then my life is hell and the insults start coming. I try to tell him that I feel belittled and pressured, but he just doesn't get it. When I act up because I'm fed up, they'll say something like, "I'm sick" or "Dirty person" or whatever other words they can find in our language.

Recently, I have started acting up really badly, because I am so tense and I just can't take anymore of this. I insult them back, when they insult me. I even push my father, when he tries to get near me and threatens to hit me (I'm 18). Also, last year I was sent to military school and that's added on to the resentment I feel towards them. All I felt in that place was purely degrading. After all that happens between me and them, everything seems to be my fault. Everything is on me. I think what hurts me the most is knowing that they will never come to terms with their own way of mistreating me. To them it's perfectly normal, they make me feel like I'm insane, like I've got a problem.

Anyways, I'm now hijacking the thread. I won't keep on with my own personal affairs. I just wanted to clarify that with you.

[Eve]

Stop thinking and start doing right? It's not that easy, though. Everytime I start to tell myself I'll do something that'll help change me for the better, like exercise everyday or stop being consumed with these thoughts, a fewer hours pass and my goals are long gone wishes. The motivation is sapped out of me.

The second I tell myself that I don't need to worry and my life is fine and I'm not sick or 'psycho', there's something in the background reminding me of the irrational and anxious thoughts I have. It's like whenever I try and make a concious effort to do something better with my life, the anxiety eats my conciousness alive. The more I try and fight it, the worse it gets and eventually I just end up feeling more spaced out, alone and anxious than I did in the first place.

 

I was formally diagnosed and told I have Anxiety. I was prescribed meds but they never helped and simply made me feel more drowsy, spaced out and they gave me bad eating habits (by the end of 3 months use I was beggining to develop male boobs even though I'm pretty skinny). I wasn't able to convey my true feelings to the doctors other than that I was feeling depressed and anxoius, and had feelings like depersonalisation/derealisation, confusoin, racing thoughts.

 

What am I supposed to do other than to combat these thoughts? How do I get back into my faith when I've lost so much of it?

I would like to know the title of that book, if that is possible. Was the man who wrote it homeless in the first place?

Thanks.

 

The book is called 'How to change your life in 7 steps', by John Bird and is 84 pages long. Easily read in an evening methinks but as I have been meditating on a lot of the things he says I have been reading it for about a week now. The authour was homeless at 5, in an orphanage for a few years between the ages of 7 and 10 and basically fell into a life of crime from then on, until he began to deliberately change. His past highlights to me classic abandonment issues. The way he speaks about depression lets you know that he has truly been there and well.. t'is a good book.

 

So, you have had a formal diagnosis. Firstly, in reading the your words I hear very prescriptive, end game comments. What would happen if you did the opposite of everything that comes to you and simply didnt respond to any of the negative stuff? I found that the feelings eventually diminished and went away once I stopped looking for them. They were never really there. I made them be there. Someone else started it and I was carrying it on.

 

Right now and always.. you are none of the things that you say or feel unless you believe it Hun. I hope I dont sound as though I am trying to minimise what you are going through. This is not my aim.

 

Hold that thought. I have to get off the laptop now as Hubby needs to check on his crops on Farmville... me too .. (sad people that we are..)

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think that's exactly what it is. It's like I feel betrayed by them, and they don't understand how they have made me feel. Recently, I have tried to bring up the issue, of how I feel I'm being dealt with. My father constantly belittles and pressures me about everything in life. Everything that is done I feel I'm doing for him. There are no choices of my own. It's all about him, and how he wants it, and if it's not done his way and exactly his way, then my life is hell and the insults start coming. I try to tell him that I feel belittled and pressured, but he just doesn't get it. When I act up because I'm fed up, they'll say something like, "I'm sick" or "Dirty person" or whatever other words they can find in our language.

Recently, I have started acting up really badly, because I am so tense and I just can't take anymore of this. I insult them back, when they insult me. I even push my father, when he tries to get near me and threatens to hit me (I'm 18). Also, last year I was sent to military school and that's added on to the resentment I feel towards them. All I felt in that place was purely degrading. After all that happens between me and them, everything seems to be my fault. Everything is on me. I think what hurts me the most is knowing that they will never come to terms with their own way of mistreating me. To them it's perfectly normal, they make me feel like I'm insane, like I've got a problem.

Anyways, I'm now hijacking the thread, like you said.

 

This is where your anxiety comes from; your parents.

 

Think about it; as children we rely on our parents for more than food and shelter. We rely on them for love and acceptance. If our parents begin to belittle us, threaten us, hurt us when we KNOW that parents are meant to love and accept us, we get confused. We know we can't trust in them to be there. They made us but yet they can't accept the child that THEY made. They find fault with you and make you feel unloveable. You feel anxious trying to be accepted or loveable in their eyes. Or if you stop trying, you feel anxious, because you know the judgement will continue.

 

By controlling you they have lowered your self-esteem and your ability to believe that what you think/say/do or want our of life is wrong or unachievable. As such you feel anxious when it comes to life. You might know what you want to do but you know you don't have their support. They want you to do something else. And if you fail at what you want, you know they don't have your back.

 

If you have your family behind you, you can go into the world and make a million mistakes, you know you are loved and accepted, and so you learn and get back up.

 

If you have no-one behind you, you go into the world and potentially make mistakes and feel anxious because you know if things go wrong, you have to bear the weight of it alone. This is a deterant to doing anything. You almost freeze and over-think because you know what you want....AND what they want.

 

You are 18 so you can escape your parents. Is there no way you can speak with them maturely? Some people cannot be reasoned with. If not, I would try to make peace with them and leave as soon as possible!

[Dooda]

They can't be reasoned with. I've tried to so many times. They never got that sending me to military school was the wrong choice, both for me and for our relationship. I never got better in what they thought that was better. I only got worse. They never understood that perhaps I was going through difficulties and I was getting worse and worse in school because of my anxiety and their constant pressure for me to always outperform myself.

I guess the anxiety all came because, even though I thought the insults and the hitting were normal and part of how normal parnets act (because that's what I was always told), something inside of me knew it wasn't right and I didn't deserve to be treated like that, regardless of my actions. I was never perfect, but they somehow expected that out of me. Anytime I would make a mistake, it would be insults and screaming, and anytime I would lash back, it would be smacking and beating.

The return from military school bruoght it all back. I realised, then, that it was never right. But it was too late, and it is too late. They'll never understand. They'll never be truly sorry for what they've done, and that's what drives me the most insane, because no matter how much I can pretend to hate them, I still love them as my parents.

I am leaving, I'm gonna move very soon to an apartment near by so I don't have to live with them. It has gotten so bad to the point where we don't speak anymore, and they have told me they simply don't care about me anymore and are only supporting me because of their obligation as parents.

I don't know how to move on. What am I supposed to do? Just forget how I was treated and forget that my parents don't give a damn about me anymore? Somehow uncondition myself from this condition of always having to be perfect and always being so hard on myself for no reason at all? It's not really that easy. Everything is my fault. The way they treated me is my fault, because I got angry, because I argued back. I made mistakes, they taught me what happens when you make mistakes. I have to follow their decisions, becuase any decisions I make will only end in failure and they won't support me if that happens. What makes me so angry inside, is that they won't realise any of this is wrong. They won't realise that I get hurt from what they do, that I become sensitive from their insensitivities. It's all about them, my life is about them. I'm constantly attached to them and their guilt trips; their making me feel bad for not adhering to their decisions.

 

I guess that's why I'm closed off. I'm unprepared to open myself to other people because I'm so insecure about how they'll deal with me. I can't just be myself, because being myself might hurt myself.

[Nikki Sahagin]

What you must realise is you are not the first and wont be the last to suffer because of your parents. It makes the situation more difficult that you can't speak with them. I would for your own peace of mind speak with them one last time, or write them a letter. Communicate what you feel in some way. If it falls on deaf ears, you at least know you tried. Then when you move out, you need to start to repair yourself. You have been conditioned by their abuse to feel that you must be perfect, never slip up and do as they say. You need to slowly learn it is impossible to be perfect (either by their standards of you'r own) but that that is okay. The beauty of most people lies in their flaws; both physical and in terms of personality. The most endearing thing a person can say is "I tried!" not "I didn't try because I was scared to fail". You also need to learn that even if they can't let your mistakes slide, you must be able to let your own go. I think you may learn this as you deal with people. Maybe volunteering with children, animals, old people - seeing peoples flaws but recognising their beauty and so learning to achknowledge your own. Maybe by helping people in similar situations to you; people from broken homes, with eatin disorders, anything really - you can see that unfortunately not everyone gets the cushion of a happy family but that you can learn to love and accept yourself reguardless of that, by learning to accept others for what they are.

[Dooda]

Nikki, thank you. You really have given me all the pointers I need to get on with my life and give myself the better life I need. I have been denying my emotional self for too long and I think I realised something here, on this forum, which I haven't realised before. I have come to the source of my anxiety, and now I know how to deal with it. I have to slowly condition myself to uncondition myself from what I have been taught.

I can't take what I'm taking from my parents and keep letting it get to me. I can't keep living in the fear that I need to unshackle myself from.

I wonder why you understand so well. You seem to get straight into me and pull everything out in an orderly fashion and make it all make sense.

Once again, thanks again, and you too Eve.

And I hope you'll come to a resolution to your own problem and be able to trust the world again. If you ever need to talk, just make sure to PM me.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, thank you. You really have given me all the pointers I need to get on with my life and give myself the better life I need. I have been denying my emotional self for too long and I think I realised something here, on this forum, which I haven't realised before. I have come to the source of my anxiety, and now I know how to deal with it. I have to slowly condition myself to uncondition myself from what I have been taught.

I can't take what I'm taking from my parents and keep letting it get to me. I can't keep living in the fear that I need to unshackle myself from.

I wonder why you understand so well. You seem to get straight into me and pull everything out in an orderly fashion and make it all make sense.

Once again, thanks again, and you too Eve.

And I hope you'll come to a resolution to your own problem and be able to trust the world again. If you ever need to talk, just make sure to PM me.

 

Thankyou very much. You can always PM me too Good luck with everything! And don't give up if it takes you a little while to get going!