Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think I'll know what type of answers I'm going to get seeing as this contradicts much of the "go out with friends, have fun" advice that we all like to give. 5 months since the breakup, only recently have I given up hope and become ready to really get over it. For these 5 months, I have gone out with friends more times than in the past 10 years combined. I've had some really good times and it certainly felt like a victory every time I went out and had fun instead of sitting at home moping. But on other occasions, whether it be hearing about my friends' happy relationships, doing favors for my friends only to feel unappreciated, or whatever... sometimes I think I should just be alone for a while. I guess to be completely honest, I'd like to think I'll disappear for at least a month, maybe more, really focus on getting in shape which has been something I've wanted for a LONG time (going out to eat with friends constantly is also working against this), and reappear in a few months having visibly lost some weight, maybe have some new clothes, etc. I want to close my Facebook and everything. I guess I also like thinking that if my ex ever talks to our mutual friends and asks how I'm doing, nobody would have any idea where I've been. Not sure why that appeals to me. I guess this has always been a defense mechanism of mine. Whenever I wasn't getting along with friends or didn't feel appreciated, I'd just disappear, delete Myspace accounts, change AIM screennames, etc. And for as much as I've enjoyed hanging out with people, sometimes it feels like "running" from my emotions about everything that has happened. I just feel like, at least this way when weekends come around, I won't keep hearing "Sorry, can't, hanging out with my boyfriend" or "already made plans with so-n-so", I would already know that I won't be seeing anyone. Am I crazy? Will this just make me feel even worse? Or could I maybe benefit from taking a bit of a "solitary journey"?
silic0ntoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I went out with friends. I did all of that. What did me the best? Being alone for a while. Realising I can be alone and be OK was huge for me.
NopeNah Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I did this, minus the deleting of myspace/ect..,after 2wks of the breakup. When really I wanted nothing more than to curl in a ball or climb to the bottom of the bottle to get my mind off things. Instead, I went out every night with friends right after, having "fun". Whenever I was out I would put on a fake smile, tell jokes and laugh, all the while really wanting to punch those happy couples in the mouth.. It's never a bad idea for self reflection and improvement. Just don't let yourself wallow over your ex while doing this. Her time is no more. It's all about you now.
DustySaltus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I went out with friends. I did all of that. What did me the best? Being alone for a while. Realising I can be alone and be OK was huge for me. This is the key. Once you figure this out then you can go out and meet new people. You realize things about yourself when you are alone. You know what I'm a pretty good guy. I didn't need HER to make me feel that way. I needed MYSELF to think that way, then everything else will fall into place.
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I had my solitary period BEFORE my relationship - I was a bit agrophobic and had panic attacks, so for me i'm scared being alone would become a type of confinement, I tend to withdraw into quite melancholy moods and have done ever since I was a child, but yet often I do feel the urge to be alone. When i'm with others 50% of the time I have fun and the other 50% I see couples happy, moving forward in life, getting engaged, moving in, going away...and I feel suddenly very lonely, like I lose my equilibrium, that no matter how much I can feign being happy alone, I would LOVE someone to be there with me, more importantly him. Its a hard thing learning to be happy alone, and i've spent a LOT of my life alone...just never learnt to do it and be happy!
JMA707 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think I'll know what type of answers I'm going to get seeing as this contradicts much of the "go out with friends, have fun" advice that we all like to give. 5 months since the breakup, only recently have I given up hope and become ready to really get over it. For these 5 months, I have gone out with friends more times than in the past 10 years combined. I've had some really good times and it certainly felt like a victory every time I went out and had fun instead of sitting at home moping. But on other occasions, whether it be hearing about my friends' happy relationships, doing favors for my friends only to feel unappreciated, or whatever... sometimes I think I should just be alone for a while. I guess to be completely honest, I'd like to think I'll disappear for at least a month, maybe more, really focus on getting in shape which has been something I've wanted for a LONG time (going out to eat with friends constantly is also working against this), and reappear in a few months having visibly lost some weight, maybe have some new clothes, etc. I want to close my Facebook and everything. I guess I also like thinking that if my ex ever talks to our mutual friends and asks how I'm doing, nobody would have any idea where I've been. Not sure why that appeals to me. I guess this has always been a defense mechanism of mine. Whenever I wasn't getting along with friends or didn't feel appreciated, I'd just disappear, delete Myspace accounts, change AIM screennames, etc. And for as much as I've enjoyed hanging out with people, sometimes it feels like "running" from my emotions about everything that has happened. I just feel like, at least this way when weekends come around, I won't keep hearing "Sorry, can't, hanging out with my boyfriend" or "already made plans with so-n-so", I would already know that I won't be seeing anyone. Am I crazy? Will this just make me feel even worse? Or could I maybe benefit from taking a bit of a "solitary journey"? I know where your coming from. Its been about 2 months since we broke up and i havent fully given up hope yet, for the future i mean. Right now I know i have no chance to be with her because shes already in another relationship. I still think that somewhere down the line once shes done with this guy i can get another shot. But i understand what you mean when you talk about just "disappearing" for awhile because thats what im tryin to do right now. We have a lot of mutual friends and i know she wont ask about me, but for some reason i just feel like disappearing for awhile will not only let me accomplish my goals but give me time to get my head straight at the same time. Hangin' out with friends helps but sometimes you just gotta be alone for awhile
Alexaangel Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi, I think there is nothing wrong with having some time alone to reflect and find out who you are. I do think that it is possible to lose touch with what is important sometimes when you are busy and always with people. There was a time in my life when I was always out but I was still lonely on the inside. Hope this helps.
jv032889 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I choose to go out everyday. I sometimes stop and ask myself am I dealing with my emotions or pushing them aside. Over the past month I've changed dramatically. I no longer sit at home and wallow in my sorrows. I'm out meeting new people. I may meet someone that will be my future partner. I've learned alot about myself. I don't need anyone to make me happy but me. I will always have my family and friends to support me. This lifestyle may not be for you but I am the type of person that enjoys being out. Some may need time "alone" others like me perfer to hang around positive people.
Author Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah... I have learned to enjoy going out, and I do tell myself things like my potential new girlfriend could be at the bar that night or whatever, so I try to keep myself out there. I think I may take a little break though. It certainly is NOT to sit around and wallow about my ex, I'm having a pretty easy time not thinking about her anymore. As a matter of fact, that's almost why I want to be alone, I'm finding that going out and trying to have "fun" is bringing back more memories, or making me think about her, more often than if I was hanging out at home. I'm certainly not doing this for an opportunity to mope, it's the exact opposite, I'm ready to eliminate anything from my life that keeps me thinking about her. And it's kinda like the saying about relationships "don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option". I feel that way about my friends. Thanks to Facebook and everything, people have dozens of friends they hang out with, I prefer to have one or two. I don't feel like a priority to anyone. I hang out with them once, then the next two weeks they're all booked up busy, and I'm always the one making contact, I never get any "hey how are you?" messages from people, even if they're unable to hang out they could still talk to me. I need to learn to stand up when I feel unappreciated. I certainly didn't do that in my last relationship, when I did so many things for her and she would just come over and fall asleep. Now I feel like many of my friends don't give a damn about me unless they happen to have some free time, then I'm good enough to hang out with. I have always been a fan of having a strong sense of "self", I don't want to be one of those people who can never spend a day at home alone with my thoughts. I think I might like to spend some time alone. I've wanted to eat healthier for a long time but on a daily basis I cheat on my diet and do things wrong, smoke and drink when I go out, and I don't like who I've become. I used to be really disciplined. Unfortunately I'm an all-or-nothing type of guy, I can't just say "well, I'll stay kinda quiet, if someone asks me to hang out I'll go, otherwise I'll hang out here". I don't work that way. Either I'll commit to trying to make my friendships work, or I will literally seem to vanish into thin air as far as anyone can tell. I'm still deciding, but right now I'm leaning towards a month or two of "me" time, and without going on social networking sites for myself, it'll be easier to stop snooping where I shouldn't be as well.
jv032889 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 It never amazes me. I always find someone on this site that has the same feelings/thoughts as I do. You mentioned your friends don't ever call to say hello unless they want to hang out. I have the same problem. The only solution I have come across is that they aren't true friends. I always make time to call my closest friends and see how they are doing. My sisters invited me to lunch and it happen to be the same place my ex took me once a week. I didn't decline b/c of that. I just kept my head up and continued with the lunch. Yes, I had thoughts of my ex but I've accepted the fact that she will not be coming back. I miss her dearly but I will not let her stop me from being "me". I'm at my breaking point but I won't go down without a fight... I have so much going on right now. I have to find a place for my family and I. Most likely going to be in the same apt complex as my ex. I'm taking two college classes. I work 40 hrs a week and on top of that I volunteer two-four hours of my time on every tuesday to a youth group. With all that being said. I hope love will find me again someday.
Author Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, I really don't have the greatest friends in the world, but I was willing to look past all that because I knew, at the time, I really needed some people to spend time with. So even though I felt insulted when people never called me, when people would hang out with me and then not talk to me for 2 weeks, I just went with it. Being able to hang out with them once a week was better than never going out at all. And I know at least one person is casual friends with my ex. I expect if she really cared about me as a friend, after seeing me suffer for 5 months, she would be kinda willing to sever ties there, but she told me that they may hang out every once in a while and that I would have to live with that. If they were life-long close friends or something, I would not expect her to choose sides, but they hardly speak and just hang out when the occasion arises, I would expect her to be able to sacrifice that for me. But now that I'm feeling a bit more healed, I guess I feel like I don't need to be making that compromise. I'm okay to hang out at home and watch a movie or play a videogame, rather than always being the one trying to make plans with people. Frankly if I disappear for a few days, any "true" friend will pursue me and try to figure out where I went. If I don't hear from them, it's no big loss, kinda like going NC with an ex. I think I may go through with it. I have some soul searching and some weight lifting to do.
logitech Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Exit I understand what you are saying about checking what friends try to find out where you are. At the same time it comes into the realm of a Covert Contract with your friends... You're testing people and it may annoy you when you don't get the reaction you want. This in turn will affect your interaction when you are around them again later...
Author Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Yeah I understand. My reason for doing this isn't completely to "test" my friends, I really want some time alone for other reasons. I understand what you're saying though, if I pop up again in a few months, people may not exactly be welcoming me with open arms. Still thinking about it. Not sure. Talking to one of my friends about going on a quick weekend vacation, and that would be really nice, but again, she's one of the flaky people who seems she could take me or leave me, so I don't know if I should stick around for that.
logitech Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Mind you, I too have considered just disappearing for a while. Was trying to work out what country I could go away to for a month or so just to get away. That way I would be forcing myself to meet new people. There are things I liked doing with my ex (but I wouldn't show my true enthusiasm) but my friends aren't really fans of. It would be really awkward trying to get out and do some things alone.
Author Exit Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Yeah I've even thought about moving long term but I figured I'd start out small and see how it goes.
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