IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Divorce your wife and you will be free to persue your happiness. Asking her to sit around and wait for you to decide between two people is wrong. Expecting her to be your back up is ridiculous.
Devil Inside Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I guess what I'm having an issue with right now is feeling attacked for wanting something good to come from my life, is not going the way I had wanted it to go. I'm only 24 and have been with my wife for over a quarter of my life. She was my first for many different things (love included), and I had dreamed of the fairytale relationship. When she started to cheat on me things fell apart, and here I am. I'm trying to find a way to be happy and nothing is working. Thatguy...I think you would find a completely different reaction if you said...my W cheated, I was unhappy...so I left, got a D, and met a new woman. Or, my W cheated...I am deeply hurt...I am trying to work it out but it is hard...I am attracted to another woman....but am not going to act on it...because I know how much it hurt me when my W did. I don't think anyone here wants to minimize your pain...just help you from adding more on...which if you pursue this other women may very well happen.
eeyore1981 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 The dishonesty is definitely the worse. Here's the thing. Had H come to me and said, "Hey, I'm really unhappy in our marriage, and I talked to this woman the other day and she made me feel really good about myself, so I would like to continue on with her and see where it leads." I could have then made an informed decision, and said in reply, "You know what, I'm really unhappy in this marriage, too. I have provided you with love, compassion, respect, etc. etc. while receiving little to nothing of the same in return. I feel you could be happy with me if you weren't so dedicated to treating me like crap, so let me help you pack your bags, and you just go right on ahead and see where this goes with this woman. Meanwhile, I will go about finding some happiness for myself, have a nice life." That isn't what happened, though. He decided he was entitled to seek out and find someone else to set up house with, but I was not. He wanted me there as a fallback position in case things didn't work out, without asking me if I was ok with that. No, I wasn't.
silktricks Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I just got into an argument about this with my wife. What's the worst part of an infidelity - the dishonesty of it, or the desire? I say dishonesty. In my opinion, we as human beings cannot control our desires of what we want. Where infidelity goes wrong is when people are not honest and upfront about these desires. Her argument was that when you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be having outside desires - and that's what hurts the most. What are your thoughts? You can't stop desire. You CAN stop the subsequent actions that would lead to cheating. You CAN stop dishonesty. I vote dishonesty is worse.
Sparta8 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Having read my wife's many professions of love and desire for a man she had met just days before, I would rank the "desire" as more hurtful than the dishonesty. The dishonesty was something very new and shocking and it puzzled me a great deal. I still get very angry about it and it has altered the way I see my wife's character. We are on the mend now, 17 months later, but my perception of her has changed and may never fully recover. But reading about the love and desire was worse. Had they not been making plans to meet and consumate that love and desire, I would feel differently about it. The dishonesty made me question her character. But the desire, combined with the intent to act upon it, made me question not only her character but also my own self worth.
NoIDidn't Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I don't think the question asked was very honest, at least not to yourself. I think the dishonesty is worse too. I was also married by 24 (but not for a quarter of my life). I remember having a similar, and equally ridiculous (LOL) conversation then with my H. It was about friends of the opposite sex - exes at that. He felt that he should be able to talk to them whenever he wanted, even if he knew they wanted to undermine our marriage, all because he would tell me that he was speaking with them. I was livid just like your W. And told him that he had a choice: them or me. What you are suggesting to your W is unbelievably insensitive and hurtful. You wouldn't allow her the same opportunity, so why should you try to get it for yourself. My marriage struggled quite a bit because of this. I lost my ability to trust my H for a long time. His request basically said he wasn't committed to "me" to "us". And that's exactly what your actions are saying. You are suggesting that an affair is okay, that cheating on her is okay, because you tell her about it. Its not.
ladydesigner Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Sounds like a revenge affair on the horizon. I fell in love with a co-worker after my H cheated on me. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I would separate first. If you feel like your marriage is worth salvaging then make the M work and put all your effort into that. Do you have kids? I know that makes it a lot harder. I think I'm kind of in the same boat. I am definitely not in love or have an ounce of passion left for my husband. I have a lot of resentment and disrespect for him. My marriage is very close to ending. What keeps me hanging on is the kids. I know this is not the right answer and most would tell me to divorce... maybe I will. I hope you find what you are really looking for. Good Luck!!! It sucks to be in limbo.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It always stuns me when after all the pain/hurt/confusion/depression people suffer after being afflicted with an adulterous partner, they turn around and do it back to the partner they forgave. It's totally unfathomable that people will sink to the same depths, that hurt them so badly in the past. Infidelity consists of emotional trauma to the partner. You can lawyer all you want and attempt to play the semantics game, but at the end of the day, you're doing the same horrific thing back to your spouse, that you experienced yourself. Be a man and either walk or stay. The fence post up your arse, isn't healthy.
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