hanginthere Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Need advice, I've been dating this guy for 9 months now. We do a lot together go on weekend trips (on him), I spend time with his kids, he spends time with my kids, the kids spend time together. Last weekend after a night out he was a bit buzzed and not saying nice things to me. I said do you even care about me cause the stuff you are saying is rude. (I think he thought it was funny...but it wasn't..he was picking on the little stuff I do) He went off into this rant about how he did not even need to be in a relationship for 9 months...it was hurtful. Since it was late I spend the night and in the morning I did not talk or say anything and he was holding me and kissing me and trying to make up without saying he was sorry. I left and I went home he called me later to meet him for lunch I did because I wanted to talk. We ended up spending the entire day/night together (and I did not talk about the nite before). It was a good day. He will not tell me that he loves, although he did up until August, I can feel it from him but who knows. I guess what I am saying is that his actions and words are the exact opposite. What is going on? Does he want to be with me or not? Does he care and love me?
aerogurl87 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I've always believed that actions speak louder than words and if a guy's actions are saying "I want out of the relationship" even when his mouth is saying "I love you", I think the actions are the more truthful of the two. That's just my opinion.
torranceshipman Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 How can you feel love from him if he's treating you so badly? I think you should talk to him & let it be known that you won't stick around for bad treatment-right now you're being a doormat & letting him disrespect you...
Author hanginthere Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Well that is the thing he is seems like he loves me and saying the opposite (when he is buzzed). I mean he could not have gotten more loving the next day and did everything for me. That's what's confusing. His actions say yes he loves me, his words did not.
aerogurl87 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well that is the thing he is seems like he loves me and saying the opposite (when he is buzzed). I mean he could not have gotten more loving the next day and did everything for me. That's what's confusing. His actions say yes he loves me, his words did not. No I think his actions say he doesn't love you and his words say yes. Treating you like crap and then trying to make up for it the next day through endless loving acts is the trademark of all abusers (my ex was like that when he abused me verbally).
Kamille Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Does he drink a lot? Might drinking actually be the problem? If it is, then you will need to decide if that is something you can live with. Well that is the thing he is seems like he loves me and saying the opposite (when he is buzzed). I mean he could not have gotten more loving the next day and did everything for me. That's what's confusing. His actions say yes he loves me, his words did not. Of course he was loving the day after! He knew what he did was cruel enough to warrant you putting the whole relationship in question. (which you are doing here). The way I see it, you need to center this on yourself and your needs. Can you live with the relationship as it is now? Or are you always projecting yourself in a "better" future, hoping his actions AND words will change? Anyone deserves to be treated better then to be told what he told you. Know what you want and don't be afraid to ask him for it.
Author hanginthere Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 The odd things are is that he will do the little things like show up for a race that I am running. Meeting a family member...this all happened within the last week. Then bam the rant the other night. That is why I am confused, it is not an abusive relationship we laugh a lot.
Kamille Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Last weekend after a night out he was a bit buzzed and not saying nice things to me. I said do you even care about me cause the stuff you are saying is rude. (I think he thought it was funny...but it wasn't..he was picking on the little stuff I do) He went off into this rant about how he did not even need to be in a relationship for 9 months...it was hurtful. Either this hurt you or it didn't. Either way, he hasn't taken responsibility for over-stepping your boundaries. I wouldn't say this is abuse, but it definitely is concerning. It sounds from what you report here like you somewhat calmly told him you weren't appreciating his jokes, hoping he would stop, and instead he stepped it up another level. Since it was late I spend the night and in the morning I did not talk or say anything and he was holding me and kissing me and trying to make up without saying he was sorry. I left and I went home he called me later to meet him for lunch I did because I wanted to talk. We ended up spending the entire day/night together (and I did not talk about the nite before). It was a good day. Why didn't you say anything though?
loveslife Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 For some reason your expectations are extremely low. The story you told in the original post is a VERY typical cycle of abuse. He is not well and he now knows he can treat you however he wants and you won't say a word as long as he acts nice to "make up for it". Don't make excuses for him. You're here asking these questions because your gut knows something is wrong. If you stay with him the good times will get fewer and further between and the abuse will get worse.
Author hanginthere Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Why didn't I say anything the next day, honestly I was worn out, tired and wanted to relax it was a rainy Sunday. And yes you are right my gut is telling me something is off.
loveslife Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Why didn't I say anything the next day, honestly I was worn out, tired and wanted to relax it was a rainy Sunday. And yes you are right my gut is telling me something is off. Relationships should make you feel stronger, more secure and happy. Not walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace. Respect and communication are both crucial for a healthy relationship. Good for you for knowing something is wrong.
ReturnToSender Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Now, I have "picked my battles" and not brought things up because I just wanted to enjoy the time I have with my guy...but....something like that rant would *not* be excused without a word. Id want to know exactly where these thoughts are coming from...you deserve to know. Especially as your kids are involved and the family as well...for me, the scariest part of my relationship is how much my daughter loves my bf....for him to suddenly be gone, woudlnt hurt only me, it would hurt her too. I would talk to him about it...and he should care enough about you to want to clear the air, be open with you...he should want you to feel secure with him...theres no reason that after 9 months you feel like you are teetering on the edge between the safety of land and off the cliff...you know? No matter how drunk or angry or how horrible a day my guy is having...he has never said anything to make me second guess him or how he feels about me...none of that is an excuse to treat someone you love like crap or say mean/hurtful things. Thats not how you treat someone you take seriously. This is not something to let slide...talk to him. And if you cant talk to him and let him know how you feel...wheres the connection?
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