Author Lynx331 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Well, I hope she earnestly does see a counsellor, but tbh? It sounds like she's full of it. Sounds like a very manipulative statement and unless I saw her make a commitment to counselling for AT LEAST 3 months with some legitimate changes and CONSISTENCY I wouldn't put ANY stock into it. Very good point. Yeah... sounds kind of manipulative to me. Easy thing to say too. takes a lot of commitment to back that one up I'd have thought. Very good point also.
deux ex machina Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 In my experience, that "something" tends to be a mix of conflict avoidance and people-pleasing. There's a lot to be said for this insight. Much of what constitutes "niceness" is actually something called a "covert contract." That is, "if I (the nice guy) show her how good and reliable and loving I am, she'll see that and appreciate me and maybe even take me to bed." Of course, the "nice guy" isn't direct about his intentions which is why it's called a covert contract. That's what I was trying to say.
BellaLeigh Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Being a nice guy isnt a bad thing but people can and will take advantage it that. If you give someone an inch they will take a mile. She souldnt treat you that way but at the same time if you let her why wouldnt she? I thinkg you would be suprised what you get when you stand up for yourself and give her a little ****. I'm not saying go crazy and turn into an A$$ but find a balance where she knows you mean business and that you wont kiss her but all the time. i used to treat guys like crap that did what i wanted when i wanted because it wasnt a challange for me. my boyfriend now is somehere in the middle and its enough to keep a balance and keep it interesting. In time she would learn to respect you and you would respect yourself. it could work, if not then you shouldnt be with her if thats how she really is but if you love eachother and you think she could change give it a try just let her know how you feel and that you mean business.
Author Lynx331 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Ok everyone... I took a shower, and something hit me in the shower.. and i thought about it for alittle bit. Thanks to all your advice i have realized something else. Here goes... So i now know i have made mistakes in our relationship. I know see how i could have brought on, and encouraged some of her behavior. I now see that the relationship was not 98% her fault. I go out on a limb and say it was 50/50.. us both messing up equally but in different areas. No one person is perfect.. i expect that, i dont expect someone to be a knight in shining armor, and i dont expect someone to have every single quality that i love, and non that i dislike. Im trying to taker a step back here.. and look at our relationship from a different view... your view. The third person. If i step back.. here is what i see, and im curious to see if you all agree with me, but im confident that thisis the message you all have been trying to get through to me. Yes ive messed up, ive let her control me, ive let her run the show, ive been the nice guy, the lets not make waves, lets just smooth things over, lets not fight, lets just be happy person. So i have my fault in the relationship, that, and im sure ive did a few other things wrong. But even inthe event of my wrong doings, that does not explain her actions. Her actions, such as, Controlling me, Giving me ultamadiums in order to do what she wanted, ALLOWING me to give up my hobbies, working on the cars, and working out (which has since costed me 25lbs of muscle that i had worked so hard for). Showing minimal interest in my hobbies.. if she had actually cared about ME and my feelings, even if she HATED cars.. and working out.. she would have atleast tried to PUT UP WITH them. Not allow me to stop doing them. I never asked her to stop doing any of the things she enjoyed doing.. never would have even THOUGHT about it, because that is what makes he HER. Those little things.. those are the reason she is who she is, her hobbies, her beliefs.. those things are what made her who she is today. Which made her the girl i was able to fall in love with. Also, she wouldnt have tried to alienate me from my friends, she wouldnt have found fault in EVERY SINGLE one of my friends... What she failed to understand was my friends are people that are important to me.. people that help me.. care about me etc. She systematically would find a fault in all of them.. and use that fault as her reasoning for why SHE DID NOT APPROVE of me hanging out with them. Had she really cared she would have accepted them for who they are, because they were important to ME! Its not like my friends were throwing other girls at me trying to get me to hook up with them instead of her. Regardless of my shortcomings in the relationship.. She could have stepped forward.. and did things for the BETTER of the RELATIONSHIP. Like i did.. i always would think of what was best for US, where in her case it was always what was best for HER, and what SHE wanted. Regardless of what anyone else thought. So regardless how weak i get.. i need to accept my shortcomings in this relationship for what they are, and accept that no amount of effort on my part would have made up for her part. She had to do so.. she had to put forth effort herself.. So as much as i beat my head against the wall with this... I need to remember that if she had my honest, well being, and my honest feelings at heart, no matter what... over the course of our relationship.. the snags that were there in the beginning.. wouldnt have been there at the end.. she would have gave alittle bit.. walked me way.. met me in the middle. I think this is what you guys were trying to get through to me... Is this the message you were trying to send? How do you feel about this?
deux ex machina Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 That may be true, but just to offer a difference of opinion. I had no agenda with her. I didnt want anything special. Just to be happy, laugh, smile and have a great life. I was nice to her because i wanted her to be happy, no hidden reasoning, i thought it was my job as her lover to make her happier than she has ever been before, and the only reason i did that is because i wanted to see her happy. So im not disagreeing with you, some guys can play games and be decieving.. i however, do not agree with that, and was genuinely being nice. I guess along the lines of the "treat people how you want to be treated" saying. I believe you. I'd only be repeating h2h on most of what I would attempt (inarticulately ), to put across next. Whilst reading this book you like, take a look at The Art of War. It's been around a tad bit longer. When you come in uber-nice, it's an instinct for some to push it - then when you try to reign it in later, you will often find it too late. People tend not to take it well. However, when you come in with a bit more force and strength than necessary - then what will prove to be your baseline later - people are so pleasantly surprised. They have earned something from you at the point. Maybe it's human nature to value it more. I'm no better, btw. My lesson is hard-earned. I'm still figuring it out myself. I'm not sure why you're taking responsibility for her acting badly toward you, though. She needs to own that completely. I think you're awesome for learning from this, though.
CaliGuy Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 So I am in the middle of reading no more mr nice guy By robert glover. And it's making me realize a few things.. I don't know if anyone has read my other threads lately about my break up with my gf. Here's just a quick idea, I left her because I felt controlled, felt used for my wallet, felt demasculized, was told what to do, what dumped of given ultamadiums if I was going to do something she Didnt want. Never could do what I wanted, felt as if she had no respect for me. No Trust for me. In reading this book so far.. I am realizing.. I may have reinforced this behavior. By me beingto passive, me being the "nice guy" actually contributed to these problems. Me not standing my ground, not speaking about how I feel, me constantly seeking her approval, and when I didn't get her approval I would just try harder to be even nicer.. Which made matters even worse.. I didn't feel like being just ME was good enough.. I felt I had to be What she expected.. Just as this book outlines. I guess what I am getting at is, am I gettingthe right idea? Could my "niceness" have paved the way for these type of actions from her, not necessairly created them.. But made them worse? A. Congrats on reading the book. I wish more doormat men would read it. B. Yes, your "nice guy" behaviors reinforce and ENCOURAGE people to take advantage of you. Keep reading the book. Keep going through the exercises and if you do anything, FIND A MENTOR. Find a guy who has the qualities you seek and learn from him, emulate him and be LIKE him. Don't BE him, just learn the qualities about him that make him a good, well balanced man. That, more than anything, whipped me into shape and helped kill the wussy/doormat behavior that contributed to the demise of many of my relationships back in the day. One thing I will implore you to do: BE THE PRIZE. Don't look at her as the prize, but look at yourself as a prize. Not in a narcissistic way, but as someone of real value and worth. If you don't see yourself in a perspective of respect then no one else will. Cheers.
JaggedRoad Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 A. Congrats on reading the book. I wish more doormat men would read it. B. Yes, your "nice guy" behaviors reinforce and ENCOURAGE people to take advantage of you. Keep reading the book. Keep going through the exercises and if you do anything, FIND A MENTOR. Find a guy who has the qualities you seek and learn from him, emulate him and be LIKE him. Don't BE him, just learn the qualities about him that make him a good, well balanced man. That, more than anything, whipped me into shape and helped kill the wussy/doormat behavior that contributed to the demise of many of my relationships back in the day. One thing I will implore you to do: BE THE PRIZE. Don't look at her as the prize, but look at yourself as a prize. Not in a narcissistic way, but as someone of real value and worth. If you don't see yourself in a perspective of respect then no one else will. Cheers. How exactly does that work? It seems kind of weird to find someone and emulate him x_x
Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 How exactly does that work? It seems kind of weird to find someone and emulate him x_xIt's not necessarily about emulating someone, it's about having someone on the journey with you. Although I don't have any experience with Alcoholics Anonymous, the sense I get is that the process is similar. The mentor is just someone to bounce ideas off of and explore situations with, not someone to copy.
hoping2heal Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Ok everyone... I took a shower, and something hit me in the shower.. and i thought about it for alittle bit. Thanks to all your advice i have realized something else. Something hit you in the shower I hope it wasn't too heavy! Okay sorry, trying to lighten the mood lol Here goes... So i now know i have made mistakes in our relationship. I know see how i could have brought on, and encouraged some of her behavior. I now see that the relationship was not 98% her fault. I go out on a limb and say it was 50/50.. us both messing up equally but in different areas. No one person is perfect.. i expect that, i dont expect someone to be a knight in shining armor, and i dont expect someone to have every single quality that i love, and non that i dislike. Im trying to taker a step back here.. and look at our relationship from a different view... your view. The third person. If i step back.. here is what i see, and im curious to see if you all agree with me, but im confident that thisis the message you all have been trying to get through to me. Yes ive messed up, ive let her control me, ive let her run the show, ive been the nice guy, the lets not make waves, lets just smooth things over, lets not fight, lets just be happy person. So i have my fault in the relationship, that, and im sure ive did a few other things wrong. But even inthe event of my wrong doings, that does not explain her actions. Okay, somethng I just want to point out about "being a nice guy" in the sense that you've described, the let's not make waves etc. It speaks quite loudly that you had very little security in the relationship. If you felt SAFE to be angry, SAFE to get mad and fight, SAFE to express your displeasure you would have, but something caused you to feel you needed to "keep the peace" or sacrifice the relationship I am betting ..use this as a guage in your next relationship..if you feel like you can be mad, angry, upset, displeased and express that to your partner..it's a good sign the two of you have built some security as you know you are allowed to not be okay with everything, and enjoy or like everything or fight without it costing the relationship. Her actions, such as, Controlling me, Giving me ultamadiums in order to do what she wanted, ALLOWING me to give up my hobbies, working on the cars, and working out (which has since costed me 25lbs of muscle that i had worked so hard for). Showing minimal interest in my hobbies.. if she had actually cared about ME and my feelings, even if she HATED cars.. and working out.. she would have atleast tried to PUT UP WITH them. Not allow me to stop doing them. I never asked her to stop doing any of the things she enjoyed doing.. never would have even THOUGHT about it, because that is what makes he HER. Those little things.. those are the reason she is who she is, her hobbies, her beliefs.. those things are what made her who she is today. Which made her the girl i was able to fall in love with. I second this notion. My partner is involved in things that go way over my head, but you better believe I look at every chart he makes, I do everything I can to understand, pay attention and take an active interest in what he's doing, because it's important to him. If it's important to him, than it's important to me. I also would never sit by idly with him giving it up and I don't give him guilt trips left and right for the time he spends doing it. I make him cards, home made gifts etc. to ENCOURAGE him to keep at it (which he does so amazingly) and make him feel GOOD about what he's doing, not like he's making me miserable or being the world's biggest inconvinience to my life. I would never want him giving up friends either, in fact I wish he would go out with them more because he works so much right now! I want him to have fun! But ah this is only temporary Also, she wouldnt have tried to alienate me from my friends, she wouldnt have found fault in EVERY SINGLE one of my friends... What she failed to understand was my friends are people that are important to me.. people that help me.. care about me etc. She systematically would find a fault in all of them.. and use that fault as her reasoning for why SHE DID NOT APPROVE of me hanging out with them. Yes, more of her controlling and self centered behavior. Your friends are not even her business, unless they are doing something harmful to you and you are not seeing it for yourself; there is no reason to judge or comment on any of your friends. Had she really cared she would have accepted them for who they are, because they were important to ME! Its not like my friends were throwing other girls at me trying to get me to hook up with them instead of her. That's exactly right Regardless of my shortcomings in the relationship.. She could have stepped forward.. and did things for the BETTER of the RELATIONSHIP. Like i did.. i always would think of what was best for US, where in her case it was always what was best for HER, and what SHE wanted. Regardless of what anyone else thought. So regardless how weak i get.. i need to accept my shortcomings in this relationship for what they are, and accept that no amount of effort on my part would have made up for her part. That's right, the way she treated you was extremely self centered, and showed very little care or concern for anyone but herself. A good partner thinks of what is best for "us" instead of "me". As for your part, remember that being a good partner also means making sure you are always treated with respect, and putting your partner in their place when need be. It isn't always fun, but a good relationship cannot thrive without trust and respect and we are all only human, sometimes we take eachother for granted un intended or make mistakes; so as the offended party we need to make sure our partner understands that it's not acceptable to disrespect us, and guide them back onto the right path. Doing what's best in a relationship is not about giving the other person what they want all the time, and certainly not if it means forgoing your needs constantly or that person is not willing to meet yours. She had to do so.. she had to put forth effort herself.. So as much as i beat my head against the wall with this... I need to remember that if she had my honest, well being, and my honest feelings at heart, no matter what... over the course of our relationship.. the snags that were there in the beginning.. wouldnt have been there at the end.. she would have gave alittle bit.. walked me way.. met me in the middle. I think this is what you guys were trying to get through to me... Is this the message you were trying to send? How do you feel about this? Yes, I guess this is a lot of what we are trying to say.
freestyle Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 One of the posters here has a signature that I believe applies: "We teach others how to treat us.................." Sums it up nicely, I think.
Author Lynx331 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Something hit you in the shower I hope it wasn't too heavy! Okay sorry, trying to lighten the mood lol lol no it wasnt to heavy :-P Okay, somethng I just want to point out about "being a nice guy" in the sense that you've described, the let's not make waves etc. It speaks quite loudly that you had very little security in the relationship. If you felt SAFE to be angry, SAFE to get mad and fight, SAFE to express your displeasure you would have, but something caused you to feel you needed to "keep the peace" or sacrifice the relationship I am betting ..use this as a guage in your next relationship..if you feel like you can be mad, angry, upset, displeased and express that to your partner..it's a good sign the two of you have built some security as you know you are allowed to not be okay with everything, and enjoy or like everything or fight without it costing the relationship. I completely understand what you are saying here. I agree totally. I didnt feel like i could get mad, or i could put her in her place, or i could say what was on my mind, because i knew she would just dump me, or fly off the handle and would start a huge fight over nothing. Im actually glad you explained that.. thats EXACTLY how i felt. I second this notion. My partner is involved in things that go way over my head, but you better believe I look at every chart he makes, I do everything I can to understand, pay attention and take an active interest in what he's doing, because it's important to him. If it's important to him, than it's important to me. I also would never sit by idly with him giving it up and I don't give him guilt trips left and right for the time he spends doing it. I make him cards, home made gifts etc. to ENCOURAGE him to keep at it (which he does so amazingly) and make him feel GOOD about what he's doing, not like he's making me miserable or being the world's biggest inconvinience to my life. I would never want him giving up friends either, in fact I wish he would go out with them more because he works so much right now! I want him to have fun! But ah this is only temporary And in my opinion thats how a relationship should be! That was what i wanted for us Yes, more of her controlling and self centered behavior. Your friends are not even her business, unless they are doing something harmful to you and you are not seeing it for yourself; there is no reason to judge or comment on any of your friends. That's exactly right That's right, the way she treated you was extremely self centered, and showed very little care or concern for anyone but herself. A good partner thinks of what is best for "us" instead of "me". As for your part, remember that being a good partner also means making sure you are always treated with respect, and putting your partner in their place when need be. It isn't always fun, but a good relationship cannot thrive without trust and respect and we are all only human, sometimes we take eachother for granted un intended or make mistakes; so as the offended party we need to make sure our partner understands that it's not acceptable to disrespect us, and guide them back onto the right path. Doing what's best in a relationship is not about giving the other person what they want all the time, and certainly not if it means forgoing your needs constantly or that person is not willing to meet yours. Yes, I guess this is a lot of what we are trying to say. Thank you for all your advice! i really appreciate it, i feel alot better about what has happened. Granted.. still wish things would have worked out, but its obviously for the better that it didnt. Still maybe one day she will come find me... be willing to fix everything.. and be the woman i know she can be... but since i broke up with her.. and shes hard headed... and given her track record.. i guess thats just wishful thinking lol. And like everyone else says.. since i am the dumper.. its my position to try and win her back.. so she probably ain't coming back.. so i guess this is the end right?
CaliGuy Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Just to clarify: A COVERT CONTRACT is you doing something NICE for someone, expecting something in return (love, money, sex, gifts, favors, etc) except that you do NOT tell them of this arrangement at any point. Door Mat nice guys do this subconciously most of the time. When they do not receive what they expect in return they get angry -- which is often perceived as "passive aggressive" behavior (they were nice and then all the sudden got angry, why?!). Covert contracts are a sure-fire way to distinguish a good man doing something nice for someone (no expectations) versus a 'Door Mat nice guy' (expectations). How exactly does that work? It seems kind of weird to find someone and emulate him x_x In your daily interactions with men, and after reading NMMNG, you should be better able to identify a GOOD, WELL BALANCED (not a door mat nice guy) man that you can emulate. Make friends, talk to him. It's typically going to be a man you look up to. Not a jerk, not a nice guy. It's not necessarily about emulating someone, it's about having someone on the journey with you. Although I don't have any experience with Alcoholics Anonymous, the sense I get is that the process is similar. The mentor is just someone to bounce ideas off of and explore situations with, not someone to copy. Not in this case. He needs to find a well-balanced man that he can learn from. It's different from something like a support group because that is a group of people with the same issues. Finding a mentor, someone he looks up to you, will SHOW him how a well-balanced man should behave. Thank you for all your advice! i really appreciate it, i feel alot better about what has happened. Granted.. still wish things would have worked out, but its obviously for the better that it didnt. Still maybe one day she will come find me... be willing to fix everything.. and be the woman i know she can be... but since i broke up with her.. and shes hard headed... and given her track record.. i guess thats just wishful thinking lol. And like everyone else says.. since i am the dumper.. its my position to try and win her back.. so she probably ain't coming back.. so i guess this is the end right? I think you need to forget about her and just put 100% of your time, focus and effort on yourself and getting your confidence, self-respect and self-esteem at healthy levels. When you do, you won't even want this ex back.
Yamaha Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 In my experience when a guy allows a girl to use him it is because he senses that the relationship would be in trouble because there is not enough chemistry so he tries to hang on by giving gifts, being nice, and not wanting to give her a reason to leave him. "You can't hang on to somone who really doesn't want to be there."
Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm going to check out this book, but I hate to think that I'm really going to have to be something that I'm not in order to succeed with a woman. I like being nice. I fixed her car when it was broken, I paid for the parts, etc. It's not like I bought her diamond jewelry on a weekly basis, I think I did practical, kind things for her during a hard time in her life. And I like being that kind of person. NOT a doormat, but I like doing things for my girl. I'm going to read this book, but we'll see how I feel about it. I would rather fail at relationships being myself, than strive to be something I'm not.
Thaddeus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm going to check out this book, but I hate to think that I'm really going to have to be something that I'm not in order to succeed with a woman.No, that's not the point of NMMNG at all. It's not a PUA book or anything of the sort. It's almost the polar opposite of that. It's much more of a recognition that women should not be the center of your existence. Sure, they're important and all that... but so is your career, your family, your obligations to your community, your church (if you're so inclined) and whatnot. It's all about making yourself into the best man you can be. Women will be naturally attracted to that, but that's a side benefit only, it's not the whole enchilada.
Exit Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well I will give it a fair shot. I've gone through my period of hanging out with friends and getting my mind off of it, now I am ready to heal head on, so I think I'm going to spend some time alone, read some books, do some soul searching.
Author Lynx331 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I think you need to forget about her and just put 100% of your time, focus and effort on yourself and getting your confidence, self-respect and self-esteem at healthy levels. When you do, you won't even want this ex back. Wow, you really think so?
hoping2heal Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Thank you for all your advice! i really appreciate it, i feel alot better about what has happened. Granted.. still wish things would have worked out, but its obviously for the better that it didnt. Still maybe one day she will come find me... be willing to fix everything.. and be the woman i know she can be... but since i broke up with her.. and shes hard headed... and given her track record.. i guess thats just wishful thinking lol. And like everyone else says.. since i am the dumper.. its my position to try and win her back.. so she probably ain't coming back.. so i guess this is the end right? Well, I'm not saying it doesn't or can't happen, but if I had a dime for all the people I've known (ex or not) who I waited to become "the person I knew they could be" and never delivered? I would be rich. The thing is, in reality while anyone has the ability to change, many never will. Many will never make the choice because when it all boils down to it; change is hard and it can be easier to keep living in the same cycle and just adapt to people who will tolerate and put up with it, than it is to conront your own demons and do something about them. I think when we care about people it's our nature to attatch a special quality to them that is purely projected. We think they have so much potential, because they are special to us. That is only human, and I don't think it's a bad thing either, but you need to mix that faith with reality. Thankfully, the more enlightened we become of ourselves the more it can help us in our future relationships and if we keep growing, that person will either grow along with us, or we will outgrow them and find someone new. That doesn't mean I'm saying people are dispensible, what I mean by we outgrow them is; your situation for example; if your ex was your current girlfriend and she wanted to continue her same set of behaviors while you realise it's wrong, unhealthy and want something different for yourself..you're not going to stay with her unless she can arouse some self growth in herself as well. So, that's how it goes she may or may never change, she may never live up to what you believe she can be. If she doesn't there will be someone else, and you will get more and more amazing women based on growth within yourself and no longer allowing women who mistreat or disrespect you, or who act unstable and wishy washy to take up residence in your heart. You'll learn to look at actions instead of words, etc.
hoping2heal Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm going to check out this book, but I hate to think that I'm really going to have to be something that I'm not in order to succeed with a woman. I like being nice. I fixed her car when it was broken, I paid for the parts, etc. It's not like I bought her diamond jewelry on a weekly basis, I think I did practical, kind things for her during a hard time in her life. And I like being that kind of person. NOT a doormat, but I like doing things for my girl. I'm going to read this book, but we'll see how I feel about it. I would rather fail at relationships being myself, than strive to be something I'm not. You don't have to be something you're not, and being a nice guy I can't stress this enough does NOT and never WILL mean, that you allow women to mistreat you, disrespect you, be unreliable and inconsiderate to your time and your needs. That is not being nice. Being nice to a person means you are kind and helpful and considerate, it does not mean you sit back with a smile on your face and act passive as that person mistreats you. There's nothing wrong with showing kindness, and affection and honesty and vulnerability with our partners, that's how it should be. That also, should be something you only give privvy to partners who will do the SAME in return to you.
logitech Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I read the book. A lot of it related to me. I realised how I was making these Covert Contracts all the time rather than just discussing the issues. It's at it worst when you know something is up so you start treading lightly. I also rarely brought up that I had an issue with something because I was worried about where it would lead. I still wish I had another chance with her knowing these things about myself. Even if it didn't work out the second time, at least I would know for sure that it was due to who we were, not who we presented to each other.
CaliGuy Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Wow, you really think so? Absolutely. You're too focused on her and why you lost her instead of what you need to fix about yourself. You need to make YOU the priority here, not the failed relationship. That's old news and in the past.
CaliGuy Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I read the book. A lot of it related to me. I realised how I was making these Covert Contracts all the time rather than just discussing the issues. It's at it worst when you know something is up so you start treading lightly. I also rarely brought up that I had an issue with something because I was worried about where it would lead. I still wish I had another chance with her knowing these things about myself. Even if it didn't work out the second time, at least I would know for sure that it was due to who we were, not who we presented to each other. Consider it "lessons learned" and apply what you have learned to the next relationship. Easier to start fresh with someone new than it is to start fresh with someone old. You can't erase the past or perceptions about you that she may have. If you start fresh with someone new, you have a clean slate and a better foundation for a lasting relationship. Cheers.
carhill Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 It's at it worst when you know something is up so you start treading lightly. I also rarely brought up that I had an issue with something because I was worried about where it would lead. OP, best way to process this is to expect a woman to be mad at or disagreeable with you a fair amount of the time and become comfortable with it. Your boundaries are more important than her anger or other du jur feelings. If she leaves, more power to her. Let some other sap deal with that cr@p
Author Lynx331 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 thanks again everyone for all your rplies and everything, i have routinely throughout the day came back here to read over some of the advice again. I appreciate everyones help i really do. I am going to read that book and see if i can better myself for me. And i just came to a conclusion.. i have already met someone else.. we have been talking alot latey, dont worry i wont date her until im ready, but once my ex gets word of that.. she aint ever coming back... i know that for sure....
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