No marriage

[Mahatma]

I was on a forum for my motorcycle, and a question was raised whether or not your wife/gf/SO rode, and then a website called nomarriage.com came up. I visited. It is basically an incredibly negative website about getting married. I believe most of the anecdotes given, but I do not think this is the reality for everyone. The statistics given are a bit biased... the old phrase "statistics don't like, liars use statistics."

 

If posting links like that is not allowed, let me know and I will remove it.

 

Seems like all I hear is bad stuff about marriage. Is anyone happy in their marriage? Does the sex instantly die after getting married? No more kinky stuff? Does the passion go? Do you still do fun stuff like you did when you were first falling in love?

 

Mostly, I am looking for male responses, since it seems that males are the ones complaining the most, but females are welcome for input.

 

I love my woman a lot.. we have dated for 16 months and I feel like if we kept going the way we are now, I would want to marry her when I graduated.

[Thaddeus]

I've seen that site and frankly it makes marriage look pretty bad. I can't speak to how accurate the stats are in it though.

 

But to your questions:

Does the sex instantly die after getting married? No more kinky stuff?

With some couples, yes. It happened to me after I got married to wife #2. (Wife #1 was entirely different.)

 

The lowering of sex drive is pretty normal after marriage, and there are numerous threads on this site from men who are trying to get advice about sexless marriages and how to re-ignite the spark.

 

So banish this fantasy right now - that, by getting married, you'll be able to have sex with your partner pretty much anytime you want. That's just not reality.

 

I happen to enjoy a lot of friendships with a lot of different people and couples, and with one exception, every single man I know who's married has found themselves befuddled because suddenly they find that their wife isn't interested in sex anymore. Now, maybe that's the man's fault, maybe it's the wife's fault, maybe it's a combination of the two (which is most likely). But the point is that frequency and vigor of sex commonly plummets after marriage.

 

If you're interested in marrying this girl of yours, be clear with her about your expectations and let her be clear to you about her expectations.

[JamesM]

I was on a forum for my motorcycle, and a question was raised whether or not your wife/gf/SO rode, and then a website called nomarriage.com came up. I visited

 

First, I love the connection to motorcycles and marriage.

 

It is basically an incredibly negative website about getting married. I believe most of the anecdotes given, but I do not think this is the reality for everyone. The statistics given are a bit biased... the old phrase "statistics don't like, liars use statistics."

 

Not only is it going to be biased obviously (because most people are not going to post good stories when it is a negative site), but it is also postings from people who may later become happy in their marriage. The site catches them at a time when they want to vent of the bad things and it is then they lose focus of the good things. I know...while I have not visited this site, I know how one can feel very negative at times.

 

Seems like all I hear is bad stuff about marriage.

 

Here on LS also, most people post when they have problems, and only post the problems. As TBF said on another thread, the happy things are not as welcome. We all tend to like to hear that others suffer more than us.

 

Does this mean that everyone who posts negative things here or on that site are unhappy in their marriage? No. It means that parts of their marriage are unhappy.

 

Is anyone happy in their marriage?

 

Currently as my focus in on the lack of sex, then my inclination is no. However, if I sit back and see all of the good things that are in my marriage, then in reality, I cannot deny that there is more good than bad. Am I happy with most of it? Yes, that is why I want to fix the part that is the most unhappy.

 

Does the sex instantly die after getting married?

 

No. And for most or many, I don't believe it ever dies. For me, it did not die until probably half way into the marriage. I still have hope (albeit a small amount) that it will revive again.

 

No more kinky stuff?

 

I guess that is defined what kinky is. My feeling is that the freedom in sex does diminish quite a bit after the children are old enough to wonder what dad and mom are doing bouncing around on the bed. Even if the door is locked, the house is no longer a playground. And (yes, my wife did), no more walking around naked.

 

 

Does the passion go?

 

Passion is kept if the relationship is kept alive. However, even if the passion is gone, the sex can remain. IMO love is what nourishes the passion more than just sex.

 

So, no, it can stay for a long time. But it takes work, too.

 

Do you still do fun stuff like you did when you were first falling in love?

 

Yes and no. Your tastes do change and that aint all bad. Children do take up time and prevent spontaneous date nights. You still do fun stuff, but there are more things that can get in the way.

 

I love my woman a lot.. we have dated for 16 months and I feel like if we kept going the way we are now, I would want to marry her when I graduated.

 

After marriage, reality does set in. Life happens. Children are born. Do you know how you are with your family when you grew up? Do you know how you can be moody or happy? Do you know how you argue and fight? Your GF comes from her own family and background. The two of you will discover that those personalities are still there, and once you get to know one another, then you become comfortable enough to let them hang out.

 

Marriage takes work. It can retain the passion and excitement, but TBH you do not want that same passion for your whole life. You want a comfortable passion and security that comes with time. You get a deeper love and friendship. And this friendship and feeling of a team is what can carry you through those times when the passion seems to dim and die. This friendship and love will cause you to reignite the spark.

 

Marriage and love are gambles. When you have two people who come together, then there are no guarantees.

[Mahatma]

I've seen that site and frankly it makes marriage look pretty bad. I can't speak to how accurate the stats are in it though.

 

But to your questions:With some couples, yes. It happened to me after I got married to wife #2. (Wife #1 was entirely different.)

 

The lowering of sex drive is pretty normal after marriage, and there are numerous threads on this site from men who are trying to get advice about sexless marriages and how to re-ignite the spark.

 

So banish this fantasy right now - that, by getting married, you'll be able to have sex with your partner pretty much anytime you want. That's just not reality.

 

I happen to enjoy a lot of friendships with a lot of different people and couples, and with one exception, every single man I know who's married has found themselves befuddled because suddenly they find that their wife isn't interested in sex anymore. Now, maybe that's the man's fault, maybe it's the wife's fault, maybe it's a combination of the two (which is most likely). But the point is that frequency and vigor of sex commonly plummets after marriage.

 

If you're interested in marrying this girl of yours, be clear with her about your expectations and let her be clear to you about her expectations.

 

This is a long way down the road for me, but to me it asks the question why get married?

[VegMidori]

I took a brief look at the site. It is a site for men who hate women, by men who hate women. It presents the worst possible situations as typical. It's akin to a racist website that states that all black men are rich ex-football players who murder their ex-wives and any innocent bystanders, despite the fact that this was just one guy, OJ Simpson. It is clearly just a misogynist website. I hope you didn't take it seriously.

 

Men who hate women definitely should not marry women. Likewise, women who hate men should not marry men. For the rest of us, however, marriage (at the right time, to the right person), typically enhances quality of life. I can't tell you if marriage is right for you, just that most married couples I know are happy to be married. Perhaps you could think of ten or twenty married couples you know, and ask yourself if they seem happy.

 

As for the sex, it does seem to go downhill after the first few months or years of a relationship, but I don't think this is a result of marriage. Just being together for a long time makes it less exciting. For most people, the rewards of a lifelong partnership more than make up for this.

[Thaddeus]

This is a long way down the road for me, but to me it asks the question why get married?

I asked the exact same question in this thread. Most of the responses are based in two sets of reasons, one real one and one mythical one.

 

1. Financial security. That's the real one. It's easier to save money, there's more opportunity to combine insurance coverages and whatnot. There may be tax advantages as well (though that depends on your jurisdiction).
   
2. Emotional/relationship security. That's the mythical one. Fact is that about 50% of marriages end in divorce, so any sense of security is a false one.
   

[quankanne]

great post, James

 

This is a long way down the road for me, but to me it asks the question why get married?

 

people have different reasons, but it all boils down to making a HUGE leap of faith with someone.

[Mahatma]

James: Well it is sort of similar (although vastly different I am sure) to being single or in a relationship. At times I am frustrated with things, but try to look at how happy she makes me in other areas. Also I agree that sex drops naturally, but I don't wanna be stuck married with someone who has sex with me once a month.... not til I am 60 anyways.

 

VM: Yeah, whenever me and my woman started having sex, we'd have sex a good 10-20 times a week. Now we have it 4-6 about. I wouldn't trade the relationship I have now with her for the one before.

[JamesM]

This is a long way down the road for me, but to me it asks the question why get married?

 

Honestly, if you do not believe that sex should be saved for marriage from a religious standpoint, and if you do not care bout the legal advantages, and if you do not care about raising children in a more unstable home as compared to cohabitation....

 

then there is no reason.

 

And there is no sarcasm there. I honestly don't know why you would.

[JamesM]

James:Also I agree that sex drops naturally, but I don't wanna be stuck married with someone who has sex with me once a month.... not til I am 60 anyways.

 

Yeah, whenever me and my woman started having sex, we'd have sex a good 10-20 times a week. Now we have it 4-6 about. I wouldn't trade the relationship I have now with her for the one before.

 

And you answered you own question.

 

While the sex may diminish, this does not mean that the love dies.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You have an unnatural preoccupation with sex as seen from the Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices forum you are always posting and asking questions on. I guess I should applaud your curiosity and be happy with your great stamina, sexual prowess and learned skill, but you are only 18-20 are you not?

 

I imagine you will have to go through another few GF's, who want to keep up with all night lovemaking sessions and 10-20 X's a week regimen......

 

Come visit this sub-section again when you are 25-30 and ignore those nomarriage (or marriage) websites.....

[Thaddeus]

Despite Lovely10's somewhat acerbic tone ("If your wife doesn't want sex, it's YOUR fault!" or "If your hub won't help around the house, it's YOUR fault!") she makes a few very good points.

 

First one is that feeling of love is never, ever enough. To believe that "love will conquer all" is to live in a fantasy world.

 

Second one is about personal responsibility. Guys, if you don't feel like helping out in the kitchen (or whatever) or putting the seat down, do it anyway. Not because you should have to, but simply because it needs to be done and it's the right thing to do. And girls, if you don't feel like having sex, do it anyway. Your man bonds with you primarily through sex. Deny him that and he'll start to become distant and your marriage will start to go downhill.

 

Lastly, it's about expectations. If your partner doesn't know what your expectations are, that's not their fault. Your partner cannot read your mind. So be clear. Be consistent. And be loving. It may not be everything (see point #1) but it's a good start.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with Thadd regarding the tone of Lovely10's post, but like him feel that she hit upon some truths. The one that stands out most for me is the last one. My wife and I have been married for nearly 26 years, and we still genuinely LIKE each other. I can't say whether this is typical or not, but I suspect liking each other has been critical to the longevity of our marriage.

 

Marriage isn't for everyone, no doubt. From my perspective, however, I can't help but to recommend it.

[Woggle]

Yes this site is brutal and misogynistic but you can't deny that much of it is exactly what many married men go through. Much of what he says is the truth.

[JamesM]

Yes this site is brutal and misogynistic but you can't deny that much of it is exactly what many married men go through. Much of what he says is the truth.

 

What is your username there?

 

Lovely, I don't agree that sex leaves when two people quit liking each other or are no longer friends. This has been stated by many not to be the reason.

 

My wife considers me to be her best friend, and yet as has been stated here....we are sexless.

 

Mahatma, I have to agree. Listening to a bunch of guys egging each other on with "My marriage is worse than yours" stories will do nothing but warp your reality of marriage.

 

I have problems in my marriage but at this point, I am nowhere near giving it up. The benefits clearly outweigh the negatives.

 

When I say there is no reason for marriage, then I think it comes down to...personally, each must feel that "My reason is that a formal commitment to this person is reason enough."

[ReturnToSender]

Depends on the couple... My ex and I, our sex life was off the wall...literally. Hah! We had happy sex, tired sex, burnt out stress relief sex, angry sex, make up sex.... and that was just on Monday. lmafo! We were married for a little over 4 years, and we still always kept ramping it up and making things more exciting and crazy and fun.

 

Life changes and evolves though..when it stops being just two people enjoying each other, and becomes two people who are responsible for each other, toss in a kid or two, and its not all about what mkes you feel good, many things have to come first. Unfortuntely, sex does get the short end of the stick at times, and instead of being crazy and spontaneous, it starts to require a bit more effort.

 

The best sex my bf and I have ever had is when we've been traveling and at a hotel in a new place...not sure what it is about that...but I guess its like...its our moment to be a selfish couple, who only have each other to think about...we are outside of our element of being a mom and a workaholic...with only each other to concentrate on, its like the first couple months we were together all over again.

 

But when we come back to real life, its back to the grindstone. Actually *I* am the one who is kind of afraid of what marriage will do. I think that he will delve so deep into the responsibility of marriage and working etc that our sex life will fall even further behind. Me...I can do it anytime, anywhere for any reason.

 

But...thats not a deciding factor for anything. I absolutely adore the guy, and if we do marry, would just have to keep working on keeping everything as on point as possible. Its up to both people to show and appreciate the love they have for their partners. Even after everything Ive been through, I still keep a positive outlook, cause with the right person, its all worth it. Well..thats my theory anyway...lol! It *has* to be worth it!

[Sam Spade]

I kinda dig that site . It's clearly flawed, but it is really hard to disagree with some of the stuff. For one, I have not ever seen a trully happy married couple. Two, i have never seen grouwn up kids to have a really close and satisfying relationship with their parents.

 

and here's my favorite:

s men, we all know that a woman's primary objective is to marry. After years of experience I've discovered their most commonly used strategy. here it is:

 

1. Girl pressures guy for marriage.

 

2. Guy delays.

 

3. Girl gradually starts destroying guy's self-esteem and eliminating his friends.

 

4. Guy becomes too weak and too much of a loser to find something better than what he has.

 

5. Girl starts to limit sex. In effect controlling the only good thing in the guy's life.

 

6. Guy is in despair. Capitulates to marriage.

 

Then 5-10 years later the guy is an empty shell of his former self. Girl is a ruthless manipulating machine. Girl divorces loser husband. Girl takes 80% of guy's stuff because the guy is too brain dead to find a good lawyer. Girl lives happily ever after. Guy becomes bald alcoholic who dies of heart attack at 45 years old.

 

:D:D:D:D:D

[ReturnToSender]

I kinda dig that site . It's clearly flawed, but it is really hard to disagree with some of the stuff. For one, I have not ever seen a trully happy married couple. Two, i have never seen grouwn up kids to have a really close and satisfying relationship with their parents.

 

and here's my favorite:

s men, we all know that a woman's primary objective is to marry. After years of experience I've discovered their most commonly used strategy. here it is:

 

1. Girl pressures guy for marriage.

 

2. Guy delays.

 

3. Girl gradually starts destroying guy's self-esteem and eliminating his friends.

 

4. Guy becomes too weak and too much of a loser to find something better than what he has.

 

5. Girl starts to limit sex. In effect controlling the only good thing in the guy's life.

 

6. Guy is in despair. Capitulates to marriage.

 

Then 5-10 years later the guy is an empty shell of his former self. Girl is a ruthless manipulating machine. Girl divorces loser husband. Girl takes 80% of guy's stuff because the guy is too brain dead to find a good lawyer. Girl lives happily ever after. Guy becomes bald alcoholic who dies of heart attack at 45 years old.

 

:D:D:D:D:D

 

Sign me up! Youre nuts!

[sweetjasmine]

I kinda dig that site . It's clearly flawed, but it is really hard to disagree with some of the stuff. For one, I have not ever seen a trully happy married couple. Two, i have never seen grouwn up kids to have a really close and satisfying relationship with their parents.

 

You haven't? It makes me pretty sad to think that other people have never seen happily married couples or people who have a good relationship with their parents, but it's disturbing to see people take that to mean that happily married couples and people who have good relationships with their parents don't exist...

 

:D:D:D:D:D

 

Misogyny is totally hilarious! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

 

[Sam Spade]

You haven't? It makes me pretty sad to think that other people have never seen happily married couples or people who have a good relationship with their parents, but it's disturbing to see people take that to mean that happily married couples and people who have good relationships with their parents don't exist...

 

 

 

Misogyny is totally hilarious! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

 

 

 

I'm sure there are happy marriages, my point is that even a happy marriage isn't an extatic journey through life, it's still pretty mundane stuff. (and again, that's true even if things are going well...).

 

As for parents, well I and everybody I know love and respect their parents, but, at the end of the day we still call once a month (if that) and visit once a year (if that).

 

And yes, even if that guy flies totally off the handle, it's still funny:lmao:

 

 

The thing about 90% of most women that become mothers is that their twat stretches out and they get a big gut. They started eating for two, and they find they like it. So it's twinkies and m&ms all day. Then they run up the mastercard buying the Tova Borgnine wrinkle cream and the Bob Bowersox spatchela collection from QVC which they watch all day. So you come home from your day at work, and you see this fat **** in polyester stretch pants. "I took Dakota to the doctor and he has ADD. And Ashleigh has the flu and I think I have a scratchy throat too. And the voyager makes a ping ping sound so you have to take it down to the garage. And I think I damaged the springs under the front seat when I loaded my 400 lb ass onto it while strapping and unstrapping and adjusting and unadjusting the rear facing child safety seats while it took me 45 minutes to load and unload the screaming little treasures in and out of the car."

You see, once the woman has her two little trophies, she doesn't need you any more, except as a meal ticket.

[fral945]

This is a long way down the road for me, but to me it asks the question why get married?

 

There is no good reason that I can think of other than for some tax benefits. As a male you generally take a much bigger financial gamble getting married than if you are female (especially once you have children). The courts tend to favor women in divorce cases (and probably rightfully so).

 

IMO human beings are innately selfish. I think this shows in many of the poor marriages because the participants become complacent. Stereotypically the wife provides frequent sex and takes care of her body, and the man displays many romantic gestures early on. After the wedding bells, these things tend to fall by the wayside or become neglected.

 

The only way to ensure your SO doesn't become complacent is not to make a commitment that can come back to bite you in the ass. You need to keep the other person in check to an extent. IMO most men should avoid getting married.

[laRubiaBonita]

basically if there issue in your relationship they will NOT magically go away when you get married.

 

i think many of the unhappily married people think that marriage will be a fix, and it won't.

 

marriage is work, and there are many times through out a so called happy marriage that is anything but happy, at least for one partner. that being said, i think the positives of the happily married couples are what keep the marriage happy.

 

i want to think that the happy times will eventually fade out the unhappy, making them a forgotten memory..... but i just celebrated my first anniversary, so maybe i am still too positive (i like to think it's true though)

[Sam Spade]

There is no good reason that I can think of other than for some tax benefits. As a male you generally take a much bigger financial gamble getting married than if you are female (especially once you have children). The courts tend to favor women in divorce cases (and probably rightfully so).

 

IMO human beings are innately selfish. I think this shows in many of the poor marriages because the participants become complacent. Stereotypically the wife provides frequent sex and takes care of her body, and the man displays many romantic gestures early on. After the wedding bells, these things tend to fall by the wayside or become neglected.

 

The only way to ensure your SO doesn't become complacent is not to make a commitment that can come back to bite you in the ass. You need to keep the other person in check to an extent. IMO most men should avoid getting married.

 

 

Yes, mutual accountability and respect will make a marriage work. Love is optional (and I mean it). If either of the parties does not uphold their end of the bargain, they should be given a chance to address the problem, and if they don't - to be kicked to the curb.

[Mahatma]

You have an unnatural preoccupation with sex as seen from the Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices forum you are always posting and asking questions on. I guess I should applaud your curiosity and be happy with your great stamina, sexual prowess and learned skill, but you are only 18-20 are you not?

 

I imagine you will have to go through another few GF's, who want to keep up with all night lovemaking sessions and 10-20 X's a week regimen......

 

Come visit this sub-section again when you are 25-30 and ignore those nomarriage (or marriage) websites.....

 

Unnatural?

 

I post in that section because I have a lot of sex and a lot of questions arise.

 

I don't date others, I don't cheat, neither does she, she's not pregnant, I don't need "the other" section because I just ask her since she is the actual "other," I don't use the general section because most of you are much older than me and don't have the same subjects to talk about, I am not "in search of" anything, not a parent, not breaking up, not getting divorced, don't need tips on exercising, fine with my sexuality, not addicted to anything, not suffering from abuse, love my family, and I am not coping with anything.

 

I used to post in the religious section way more than the sex, but I decided to leave that because too many people there are set in their ways and it seems it is impossible to have an open mind in discussion.

 

I do think about sex a lot, I AM 19... but just because that is what I mostly use this forum for, it does not say anything.

 

I find this is a great place to come to with sex questions because many have been having sex with a partner for years and years, and I only have 1 year about of sex. So yes, lots of questions arise.

 

I never said anything about 10-20x a week. If I read that right, you think I want that. That is way too much. I take about an hour to orgasm usually. Lately I have stopped masturbating and I last 30-45 mins. When I only last 30-45 mins, sometimes we go every day. Normally we have sex 5 times a week and that is just fine for me.

 

----------------------------

 

Moving right along...

 

Thanks for the responses. I realize the site posted was a purely male women-hater website, but I have heard a LOT of married men comment about how it sucks to be married. Never have I heard a married man tell a single man "hey man, you should get married!"

 

Just about all of my friend's parents have had issues with marriage. My parents are just about the only parents that have never had issues with their marriage.

[laRubiaBonita]

Just about all of my friend's parents have had issues with marriage. My parents are just about the only parents that have never had issues with their marriage.

 

that you KNOW of... and if they did it probably wasn't anything that would cause such a rift. i bet your folks are a great couple that know how to work through their issues when they arise.