Intricategirl Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I've been seeing a guy for the last three months. This weekend was his birthday, and one of his friends threw him a party and got a room for us at a local hotel. At the party, he saw one of his friends, who I believe is also an ex-lover of his, and was fairly cuddly with her for a good portion of the night. She was there with her fiance, but they have an open relationship and from what I understand, she sleeps with other men. At one point, they went back into the host's bedroom and the door was shut, and when someone asked where he was, the fiance replied, "He's busy." I went back to the hotel room with him and we had sex. I could tell that he had not had sex because of how long it took (not bad, but not an extremely long time either). He also didn't seem as into it as he usually is. The next day, we stopped back over at his friend's house that through the party and he said that the girl had asked him to play, and he said, "Ummmmm, I'm going to need to talk to Intricategirl about that." But he never came out there and did any such thing. I don't believe that anything sexual happened between them, but I do believe they were almost definitely kissing. This bothered me, and later I asked him if he could stop by later that night and talk. He immediately said, "If this is about *******, I don't have any intention of pursuing that." I told him it was and wasn't about her. Later, when we came over, I asked him what we were doing. He replied, "Well, that's a really vague question. Let me turn it back around and ask you what inspires the question." I then asked him if we were exclusive. He immediately said no. But then he added that he wasn't there emotionally, and tends to jump into relationships way too quickly. I'm the same way. He also said, "It's not anything we wouldn't talk about first, if I went out with someone else." That just baffles me. That, plus what he said at his friend's house- is he going to ask my permission before going on a date with someone else??? He told me to give him two or three more weeks, and that he believes in any healthy, progressing relationship, it moves towards exclusivity (which when you think about it is condeming the exact kind of relationship of the girl who wanted to "play" with him). That right there would normally be a massive red flag and I'd tell him that it was time for him to go (and not come back), but he's also been absolutely honest and open with me about it before. I knew that he had been talking about going to a speed dating event, or other such events. I also know that he never has actually done it. I'm the one he calls every night. I'm the one that he talks with about all the important events in his life. He has told me numerous times that I mean more to him than any other significant relationship he's ever had. He has told me that he is talking with his therapist about me, in an effort to not make the same mistakes he has in the past. And I know that when he says 2-3 weeks, he means 2-3 weeks. But I have to wonder, what could possibly be different in 2-3 weeks that isn't there for him now (a question that if I decide to stay with him- I will be asking him when he decides it's time to be exclusive). I told him that for right now, I understand what he's saying, but he needs to understand that if that's the way it's going to be, then I will be seeing other guys too. He said he knows, and then added again that it should be discussed first. I sort of shrugged because if he isn't willing to claim me just yet, then I'm not going to ask his permission about who I date. Besides, not exclusive is not exclusive. This just feels like a weird hybrid of exclusivity/non-exclusivity if we're dating other people but supposed to ask, and I'm not into that. But in the aftermath of it all, I just don't know what to do. Stick with him, knowing that otherwise, everything is wonderful and he means it when he says that we are moving towards exclusivity. Or dump him because he is looking for something that I'm not? Keep seeing him because he's trying not to make the same mistakes he made in his past relationships, or dump him because he's making all new ones? On one hand, the fact that he went to his birthday party and cuddled with a girl that wasn't me is the end right there. On the other hand, he put the brakes on that because he was thinking about me. Am I completely stupid if I give him more time, and if I do, how do I get over this? I expected something from him that he never promised me, but was I wrong to expect it? And I understand how this comes across as him being a really big player, but it's hard to explain over the internet how I know he isn't. I think he's just made a dumb-a$$ move in that wants to keep from getting hurt in the long-run, and in trying too hard to keep from making his same mistakes of jumping in too fast, he's imposed some self-set time limit, and swung too hard in the other direction of "must keep looking because that's what is 'healthy' for me".
zicke Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hold on here a minute, you went to a bday party with him and he left you to cuddle with another woman in front of you and then went into a room with her...and THEN you had sex with him later on? (Without beforehand knowing for a fact if he did or did not have sex with the other chick) Can I ask...WHY? If you want an exclusive relationship, not an open relationship, then you two do not have the same relationship goals. See how easy that is? My ass would have walked out of that party when the cuddling started. Seriously. I wouldn't be with someone in the first place who didn't want exclusivity with me before a sexual relationship started. I am not some guy's bed warmer for when he finds someone he wants to have a relationship with.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think he has placed a really low value on you if he's willing to have sex with you, but won't commit to exclusivity. I don't understand why you agree with his low valuation by sticking around. I agree with Zicke^.
loveslife Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, I agree with the previous two responses. There's so much wrong with this situation. I can't believe you had sex with him after the way he behaved. Neither one of you is valuing you enough. He probably doesn't understand the word "respect" either, for himself or for you. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Without even knowing you I know you deserve better.
caramel c Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Have some respect for yourself. I couldn't even get through the whole post because I was sickened. You need help.
stace79 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 The only thing I can add is to get yourself tested for STDs and ensure if you do continue sleeping with this psycho that he uses condoms. Two if possible.
aerogurl87 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hold on here a minute, you went to a bday party with him and he left you to cuddle with another woman in front of you and then went into a room with her...and THEN you had sex with him later on? (Without beforehand knowing for a fact if he did or did not have sex with the other chick) Can I ask...WHY? If you want an exclusive relationship, not an open relationship, then you two do not have the same relationship goals. See how easy that is? My ass would have walked out of that party when the cuddling started. Seriously. I wouldn't be with someone in the first place who didn't want exclusivity with me before a sexual relationship started. I am not some guy's bed warmer for when he finds someone he wants to have a relationship with. I gotta agree with Zicke. Unless I'm looking for a fling or FWB then I'm not going to have a sexual relationship with a guy before exclusivity is brought up into the picture. What he did to you was disrespectful and if I were you I would've left immediately and went on to look for better things. I mean if he supposedly cares so much about you, then what's stopping him from committing to you and having an exclusive relationship? Also, if he cares so much he wouldn't have went parading around a party with another girl right in front of you. That in itself should be a big red flag. I'd say to cut your losses and find someone new.
ReturnToSender Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Okay now...Im pretty open about a lot of different situations and lifestyles...but this guy is just being flat out disrespectful to you. If he was at the party with you...hes at the party with you. It seems that this was the first you came to see this part of him and his lifestyle... Im sure he knew that something would come up at this party since he knows all the people, and he should have completely abstained from any and everything and talked to you about it for you views. Cuddling up on that woman like that....going off into a private room with her... ridiculous. Uncalled for... inexcusable. Though I have nothing at all against open relationships, I do have a lot agaist not being open and honest with your partner, and hes being *incredibly* shady. And when you said you wanted to talk to him, and he came back with that response...what he *should* have done is be willing to openly talk about any concerns you have, instead of blowing you off. That guy just isnt right on any level.
New Again Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Ever hear the phrase "dance with the one who brought you"? Roles are a little reversed in your situation, but it still applies. Agree with all other posters.
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