JustWords Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 For months I struggled and fought, only to end up in what I imagined to be the perfect relationship with the perfect man. I read through threads on this site on second chances, and remained positive as we entered into a relationship on our third chance. Third chances rarely happen, never mind second chances. It's been a challenge. We've been working through issues, but overall, things have been good. We actually went on our first vacation together a week ago. It was us and 9 of his closest friends. I thought this was a huge step in the right direction. What progress. I felt so much love on this trip, from him and his friends. Everything was picture perfect. As we sat on the beach the last day he looked at me and asked what I was thinking as he knew I wasn't thinking about the waves. I didn't answer. However, I was thinking how much I feared coming home and things going back to the way they were. We see each other a couple times a week. He has many fears of relationships and is afraid of losing his independence. I'm very laid back and I never question anything. He goes out with his friends, no problem. So, since we've been back. I think he saw himself getting close to me, and he's pulled away in a huge way. Things were good for a couple days, but we haven't really spoke for a few days now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I never get angry, but I'm angry. I'm upset and hurt he'd act like this after we had such a great time together. Talk about ruining our vacation. I feel so bad, I want to throw in the towel. Tell him I'm done and walk away. Leave and never look back. I feel that badly and that he's turned his back on me. He doesn't like communicating things. He lets things blow over and moves on from them. Quite honestly, that method isn't working for me right now. I feel betrayed. I actually thought to myself the other day that I wish I'd never gone on the trip. That I would have been better staying home. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I've fought and tried moving mountains. We've come so far and this is just a smack in the face. Has anyone else experienced this?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 The push and pull he's giving you really isn't fair. How in the world can you expect to have a relationship with somebody when they run as things get close? It's emotionally abusive - he keeps abandoning you. So you have to decide who you love more - him or you. The longer you stay and put up with this, the less and less the answer will be "you."
Author JustWords Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 You're both right. I've made it a habit to be very lax with him. I never question anything or tell him when something bothers me. He never knows when he's hurting me. Well, last night was a lot different. I called him a few times and left him a few voicemails. They were all nice, but progressively more upset. I've never done that before. I've always kept it locked inside and waited for when he was ready to call me. I can't stand it anymore. I'm such a nice person, that's the part that wrecks me the most. He knows how I feel about him yet he does this and allows me to feel these things. However, I'm to blame as well because I don't walk away, so I'm just as guilty, if not more guilty. He breaks my heart. Genuinely breaks it in pieces. I sit and cry and hope, and I"ll be honest, I've prayed that things would get better. When he asked me to go on vacation with him, it was a whirlwind of happiness. I thought we were making progress. But to be open and honest with anyone who reads this... I can't walk away and turn my back on him. I believe in us so much and I've given 10 months of non stop energy to him. I love this man, genuinely love him. Love isn't all that matters, but there's something that I can't let go of. I was so angry the other day, I took all his stuff put in in a bag and put it next to my front door. I could just drive over there at times, ring his doorbell and just throw it at him. I have difficulty remembering the greater loss would be his loss of me. When I look in the mirror I don't see a beautiful person looking back at me. I see something who's weathered and useless (that's how I feel at least) He did this to me once before, when we first started dating. He got upset about something and didn't talk to me for about a week. He knew he was wrong, and said he'd never do it again. Well, I hoped he wouldn't; however, here we are. I'm so frustrated and upset. I'm just trying not to over react.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I've prayed that things would get better. ....I thought we were making progress. But to be open and honest with anyone who reads this... I can't walk away and turn my back on him. I believe in us so much and I've given 10 months of non stop energy to him. I love this man, genuinely love him. Love isn't all that matters, but there's something that I can't let go of. I was with my XH for a total of 5-1/2 years when I filed for divorce (had been married just over 4). It was 5 years of exactly what you typed above. I loved him, I had put so much time in, I hoped it would get better. Guess what? Never did. Our 4th wedding anniversary was ACTUALLY the best one we ever had. He put a lot of thought into it, I felt loved, I felt closer to him...I thought things were turning around. And the second we got back to real life...CRASH back to earth - he returned to his same old behavior. 3 months after that FANTASTIC anniversary, I filed for divorce. You'll hit your breaking point eventually. It's up to you to decide how much of your life you want to waste where you can actually be happy. One of the biggest lessons I learned from that experience? You can't make somebody show you love if they are emotionally constipated. They simply don't know how. But for future reference - I'm not ever going to give my all to somebody that gives me anything less than equal. I have difficulty remembering the greater loss would be his loss of me. When I look in the mirror I don't see a beautiful person looking back at me. I see something who's weathered and useless (that's how I feel at least) Ha (ironic chuckle...not a mocking one). Isn't that what I said? So you have to decide who you love more - him or you. The longer you stay and put up with this, the less and less the answer will be "you."
aerogurl87 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He pulled away once, and you took him back. He pulled away a second time, and you still took him back. Now he's on strike number three... ok are you not seeing the pattern here? This man is never and I mean NEVER going to commit to you! If he couldn't do it the first time, let alone the second time, then the third time isn't going to change anything. And you went on a vacation with him and 9 of his friends you say? That's not a vacation together, that's like a spring break road trip in college. There's a big difference between the two. Want to know why it was with 9 of his buddies? Because it afforded him the chance to not always have to be with you the whole time, perfect cover for someone not wanting commitment. Hate to be blunt, but it's true. He's never going to commit to you, so please do yourself a favour and find someone who will.
Author JustWords Posted September 26, 2009 Author Posted September 26, 2009 I broke-up with him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I know I deserve more than this. My friends and family want to talk to me about it, but I don't want to. I don't want to think about it. I feel as though I've spent enough months, days, night, crying over him, wondering, feeling pain because of him that I don't need to think about it. I just want to move on from it. Is this unreasonable? I was speaking with one of my good friends last night and he was telling me that I need to talk about it and not ignore it. I don't think I'm ignoring it. So, we talked about it and it went from discussing how I felt about the break-up to me asking questions on why things happened. I felt as though I was going backwards. This morning I woke-up missing him, thinking about him and wondering. This is exactly why I didn't want to process my thoughts. It isn't fair. I just want to be happy.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 It'll get better, JW. Just hang in there. Each day is a step forward. You'll get there.
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