Looking for support while I wait it out - if I do...

[Luckyluss]

I am dating.

My MM will leave, that much I'm sure of, what i'm not sure is if I can stomach the wait, and sometimes feel I can't.

 

I'm tempted to stop all contact and see what happens. I feel like I'm enabling him to be a shoulder to lean on, to tell me both his miseries and happy moments. If, as a bright part of his life, I'm gone, then he'll have to fully deal with his situation. And decide what's best for him.

 

In the meantime, I feel powerless to affect change in his life, so I need to move on even if I'm already dating.

 

Some of my friends, especially from Europe where I come from, tell me that by instituting NC I would cut my nose to spite my face. Truth be told, I think this also, sometimes...

 

I know that most of you here at LS favor NC. Anyone thinks differently?

[frannie]

I am dating.

My MM will leave, that much I'm sure of, what i'm not sure is if I can stomach the wait, and sometimes feel I can't.

 

I'm tempted to stop all contact and see what happens. I feel like I'm enabling him to be a shoulder to lean on, to tell me both his miseries and happy moments. If, as a bright part of his life, I'm gone, then he'll have to fully deal with his situation. And decide what's best for him.

 

In the meantime, I feel powerless to affect change in his life, so I need to move on even if I'm already dating.

 

Some of my friends, especially from Europe where I come from, tell me that by instituting NC I would cut my nose to spite my face. Truth be told, I think this also, sometimes...

 

I know that most of you here at LS favor NC. Anyone thinks differently?

 

You are powerless to 'affect change' in his life. He is basically looking to have someone on the side while he is married. If you feel you will gain something from that, then of course NC will mean you are 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. If you feel your gaining something from whatever he has to offer while he's married, then seeing him is to your advantange.

 

However, if you have in mind a full relationship then the signs are not good. In particular the fact he asked you not to turn up to an event he would be attending with his family. That is a certain sign to you that you will be expected to change your plans to suit his arrangements.

 

The fact that you did as he asks suggests to me that you will continue to bend to his wishes and simultaneously wonder what you can do to ensure he leaves. For your sanity and health's sake you need to forget that whole approach. Just my opinion, obviously, and I can see that you either don't get what I'm saying or prefer to ignore, which is fine of course, but really that's my only suggestion.

[fooled once]

What do YOU hope to gain by NC? to 'force' a decision from him?

 

you have only been seeing this guy for 2 months.

 

Are you hoping if you go NC, he will miss you so much he will leave his wife?

 

From what you have posted, I don't see that happening (him leaving his wife). He is enjoying being a cake eater.

 

If you are content to be the OW, then NC is not for you.

[NowhereToHide]

I am dating.

My MM will leave, that much I'm sure of, what i'm not sure is if I can stomach the wait, and sometimes feel I can't.

 

I'm tempted to stop all contact and see what happens. I feel like I'm enabling him to be a shoulder to lean on, to tell me both his miseries and happy moments. If, as a bright part of his life, I'm gone, then he'll have to fully deal with his situation. And decide what's best for him.

 

In the meantime, I feel powerless to affect change in his life, so I need to move on even if I'm already dating.

 

Some of my friends, especially from Europe where I come from, tell me that by instituting NC I would cut my nose to spite my face. Truth be told, I think this also, sometimes...

 

I know that most of you here at LS favor NC. Anyone thinks differently?

 

 

In my opinion, NC only works when it's done for the right reason -- YOU.

 

If it's done to get a reaction, or to passively-aggressively force the person to make a choice, or to "show them the error of their ways", it never works.

 

Do NC because you are fed up...because you deserve better, because being with a MM is wrong. Don't do it to force his hand. You'll just end up back at square one.

 

I JUST went NC. It took me a long time to get to the point of doing it for me. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I know it's for the best? Yes.

[Luckyluss]

And where, oh where are the happy endings? I do know they exist. But because it may not be in our case, I am getting fed up and am considering going NC. After all, i feel he should have made a step towards separating by now instead of complaining on how difficult his present situation is.

 

Last time I saw him (last week) he tried to get physical and I let him know that it was out of the question. I hadn't heard from him since - not sure if because of that. In any case i am not reaching out to him, ever.

 

I really would like a full relationship and since it doesn't look like it's going to happen at this present time, I'm trying to move on. Even after 3 months, it's not that easy for me to let go. As without hope, we are nothing much. And that scares me.

 

Thanks for your comments, all. It's not that I don't get it, it's just so hard. And I am dating plenty...

[delajoonal]

IMHO...he is having U wait out to the end of the year, because of the

HOLIDAYS and he has a child.....

 

NOT a time of year that anyone, i am sure, wants their family unit disturbed???

i could be wrong..but that is how i would see it...

 

i can almost promise you, your MM will start the promises and getting frisky again in January...like i said, i could be wrong?

 

NC...nowhere is right...it only works if YOU are really wanting to split away from ANY relationship.

 

good luck luckyluss...

[MistyK]

LL,

It has only be three months. Consider what you are asking your MM to give up after only 3 months with you. In my experience and others I've known and seen here, when MM leave (and it's rare), it's only after a LONG time, and usually done under duress of losing the OW. It took my fMM over 2 years to move out (and almost a year after he promised he would do so). Thats when the fun REALLY started. He refused to file for divorce, and didn't want her to either. Eventually, she did anyway and there was a lot of stalling on both sides, emotional blackmail, vacillations, and sadness. Even now that his divorce it final, he still struggles enough with the guilt and grief to entertain thoughts of returning to her. It was pass eventually, but all of this means a long period of tremendous pain for an OW. You really want to sign up for that (IF he actually leaves) with someone you have that little history with? Seriously, Run, LL. Knowing what I know now, if I could give myself 3 years ago the same advice, I would.

 

*This is why I love how A's are often characterized as some fantasy-land romance, all bubbles and cake. A's are largely the exact opposite. You see the potential for bubbles and cake, but can't get through the glass that seperates you from it. You get potential for happiness, rather than anything real. In A's, you miss out an the good stuff - and start right form the start with relationship problems (the relationship is built on lies afterall). To say it's an uphill battle is an understatement, there is no running off into the sunset without getting serious near-fatal battle wounds.

Edited October 13, 2009 by MistyK

[HisSweetThing]

My MM will leave, that much I'm sure of, what i'm not sure is if I can stomach the wait, and sometimes feel I can't.

 

I'm tempted to stop all contact and see what happens. I feel like I'm enabling him to be a shoulder to lean on, to tell me both his miseries and happy moments. If, as a bright part of his life, I'm gone, then he'll have to fully deal with his situation. And decide what's best for him.

 

Some of my friends, especially from Europe where I come from, tell me that by instituting NC I would cut my nose to spite my face. Truth be told, I think this also, sometimes...

 

I know that most of you here at LS favor NC. Anyone thinks differently?

 

I'm sorry, I have not read this entire post. I don't have much experience here. I am just going by what my gut instinct is telling me. Like you, I feel that my OMM will leave eventually. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't continue with the affair. I have decided to give him the time that he needs - as much as it breaks my heart. I can't even think about NC. I agree with your friends. I know not many people here on LS do. My OMM is not a cake eater. He never wanted to be an AP. He never thought he would be an AP. But, here we are. I have known him for 12 years. I know what kind of a man he is. I know he is struggling. Why shouldn't I be here for him while he struggles. What would be the point of abandoning him now? I am not talking about waiting around forever. We surpressed our feelings for one another for years. My OMM has struggled every step of the way in our relationship. Struggled, because he knows what he is doing is "wrong", but at the same time he can't stop loving me. His love for me has won every single time. He is fighting a war within himself. I know that he would not have been able to even be in this affair with me if he didn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I'm sorry, I have not read this entire post. I don't have much experience here. I am just going by what my gut instinct is telling me. Like you, I feel that my OMM will leave eventually. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't continue with the affair. I have decided to give him the time that he needs - as much as it breaks my heart. I can't even think about NC. I agree with your friends. I know not many people here on LS do. My OMM is not a cake eater. He never wanted to be an AP. He never thought he would be an AP. But, here we are. I have known him for 12 years. I know what kind of a man he is. I know he is struggling. Why shouldn't I be here for him while he struggles. What would be the point of abandoning him now? I am not talking about waiting around forever. We surpressed our feelings for one another for years. My OMM has struggled every step of the way in our relationship. Struggled, because he knows what he is doing is "wrong", but at the same time he can't stop loving me. His love for me has won every single time. He is fighting a war within himself. I know that he would not have been able to even be in this affair with me if he didn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him.

 

please dont take this as harsh or anything of the sort. two weeks ago i would have written your exact words. about him struggling, loving me, his love for me winning every time. the BAM...it all came crashing down. and suddenly all of those things i was so certain of for so long. im not so sure anymore. not sure it really ever was that way, maybe just what i wanted to believe. and it hurts. it hurts so much more than i ever had imagined.

[Luckyluss]

Sweet Thing

 

I also find like you that trusting your gut is the most difficult thing to do, given the breadth of opinions, most of them favoring NC.

What I chose to do is this, no sex in this interim period, but we see each other and I wouldn't think of abdoning him right now. It's clear that he's not a cake eater and that he'll do what he'll need to do when his times comes, and I know he's been thinking of separating for a while before he met me.

 

Most LS people have advised me to get out while I still can because we've only known each other 3 month but to me, I get to know him better and see if I'd still want us to be together after he becomes available. So this is my choice and it is painful sometimes...but I'm already out in a way, as I see other guys to ensure that my life deosn;t pass me by while I wait for him. And who knows what life will bring?

 

So I wish you only hope to believe in your love and courage to make the right decision when the time comes, as I do wish it for myself.

[fooled once]

I'm sorry, I have not read this entire post. I don't have much experience here. I am just going by what my gut instinct is telling me. Like you, I feel that my OMM will leave eventually. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't continue with the affair. I have decided to give him the time that he needs - as much as it breaks my heart. I can't even think about NC. I agree with your friends. I know not many people here on LS do. My OMM is not a cake eater. He never wanted to be an AP. He never thought he would be an AP. But, here we are. I have known him for 12 years. I know what kind of a man he is. I know he is struggling. Why shouldn't I be here for him while he struggles. What would be the point of abandoning him now? I am not talking about waiting around forever. We surpressed our feelings for one another for years. My OMM has struggled every step of the way in our relationship. Struggled, because he knows what he is doing is "wrong", but at the same time he can't stop loving me. His love for me has won every single time. He is fighting a war within himself. I know that he would not have been able to even be in this affair with me if he didn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him.

 

Sorry HST, he isn't struggling. He is a cake eater. YOU have said you are willing to wait 3-4 MORE years. That isn't giving him time to figure out anything; that is because you KNOW that if you said "ENOUGH - PICK" he would not choose you. You are hoping that in 3-4 years, you can sway him enough to pick you. You keep hoping that one day, he will love you more than his family. If he loved you and if his love for you has won every single time, then why is he still married to his wife? Why is it his wife he goes home to every single night? Why is it his wife that he plans a future with? Why is it his wife that he snuggles on the couch with to watch a movie?

 

He has you believing all this garbage about how much more YOU mean to him than anything; but if that was true, he would BE with you fulltime; not just an hour here or there when no one is around. He would proclaim to the WORLD how much you mean to him instead of keeping you as a secret. The fact that you buy the crap that he is telling you makes me feel sad or you and kinda pity you. You are going to waste the next several years of your life because this guy told you maybe one day.

 

Smarter move would be to start dating and enjoying life and IF he ever divorces, then he could find you and see if you are still pining for him. He is going to need time AFTER the divorce to get himself together before he can be with anyone else. And if he can cheat on his wife, do you ever think that he will one day cheat on you? Just food for thought...

[HisSweetThing]

Sorry HST, he isn't struggling. He is a cake eater. YOU have said you are willing to wait 3-4 MORE years. That isn't giving him time to figure out anything; that is because you KNOW that if you said "ENOUGH - PICK" he would not choose you. You are hoping that in 3-4 years, you can sway him enough to pick you. You keep hoping that one day, he will love you more than his family. If he loved you and if his love for you has won every single time, then why is he still married to his wife? Why is it his wife he goes home to every single night? Why is it his wife that he plans a future with? Why is it his wife that he snuggles on the couch with to watch a movie?

 

He has you believing all this garbage about how much more YOU mean to him than anything; but if that was true, he would BE with you fulltime; not just an hour here or there when no one is around. He would proclaim to the WORLD how much you mean to him instead of keeping you as a secret. The fact that you buy the crap that he is telling you makes me feel sad or you and kinda pity you. You are going to waste the next several years of your life because this guy told you maybe one day.

 

Smarter move would be to start dating and enjoying life and IF he ever divorces, then he could find you and see if you are still pining for him. He is going to need time AFTER the divorce to get himself together before he can be with anyone else. And if he can cheat on his wife, do you ever think that he will one day cheat on you? Just food for thought...

 

I know that what you are saying is true of the sterotypical MM. I know that you think I am being naive and that I am blinded by my love for him. Remember, I live across the street from him. I know what his marriage is like. They don't even sleep in the same bed - his wife told me this years ago. They don't snuggle together on the couch either. They don't have that kind of marriage. He works out with me several times a week. People have begun to find out about my divorce and the rumors have started flying. Many of those rumors include OMM. That hasn't scared him away.

 

I will be moving out of this house in the next month or so. I don't plan on sitting around and being lonely. I have single girlfriends that I will go out with and I am open to dating. I will date because I don't know for sure that he will leave his wife. I am going to see if I can find any kind of connection with anyone else in the meantime - I really don't think I'll be able to though. I will continue to see OMM until his youngest child leaves the house or until I can find a more satisfying relationship with someone else. That is where the 3-4 years comes in. If he doesn't leave at that point, it will be over.

 

My OMM doesn't tell me things just because he thinks that's what I want to hear. He has told me many things I haven't wanted to hear.

 

If you could see me and OMM together, you would know why people are talking about us. People have wondered about us for years. The chemistry we have with one another is obvious to everyone around us.

[Luckyluss]

About the dating thing: it is hard but you have to do it. I'm open to another connection if it's better than the one I have.

 

Everyday is different: sometimes I feel like forgetting he exists and on other days I think it;s that a connection like the one we have is worth waiting for, a little while longer to see what happens to his marriage - which I know won;t last that long, I think it's a matter of months not years.

 

Then again you never know, you may meet someone else or you may get sick of waiting. I know I will get there eventually...

[HisSweetThing]

About the dating thing: it is hard but you have to do it. I'm open to another connection if it's better than the one I have.

 

Everyday is different: sometimes I feel like forgetting he exists and on other days I think it;s that a connection like the one we have is worth waiting for, a little while longer to see what happens to his marriage - which I know won;t last that long, I think it's a matter of months not years.

 

Then again you never know, you may meet someone else or you may get sick of waiting. I know I will get there eventually...

 

I'm with you. I have days where I think I don't need him and I'd be better off without him, but most days I think how can I give this up?

 

I know eventually I will get tired of waiting. I know I can't do this forever. I don't hold out much hope on meeting someone else though.

[fooled once]

If you don't leave the relationship, then you won't meet anyone new.

 

Kinda like you can't buy a new house if you never leave the house you are in.

 

I know you want to believe you have this supermagical love that transcends time, HST, I get that. EVERY OW has thought that.

 

And if everyone is talking, how does his wife not know?

 

I know you like to think you know what goes on in their home, but you really don't. And she may have told you something years ago, doesn't mean it is still true.

 

Let's say she finds out, and she chooses to stay in the marriage. What are you going to do if he still doesn't leave?

 

I just can't believe you are going to wait around for 3-4 more years. That boggles my mind. And I don't get why he won't leave NOW --- if he is so unhappy at home, and they don't sleep together and don't act like they are married, WHY DOES HE STAY if he is so in love with you? To avoid paying child support??

[candoit]

yes most mm love their wives and never leave , so you need to open your eyes and watch out for the signs , the signs will be there . you would be able to read if he loves his wife , if he intends on separating or if he truly is interested in you .

 

I am in the same situation as you , I feel like my MM and I are soul mates , we get along so well and he always says we are destined to be together , I have gone n/c now on day 6 because I need time to think things through .

 

as far as wasting a year of your life , no relationship is ever guaranteed whether a man is single or married , i have wasted years of my life with some single man , so my advice is dont put your life on hold for any man who has not committed to you ( married or single) , keep dating and if something better comes along go for it

[HisSweetThing]

If you don't leave the relationship, then you won't meet anyone new.

 

Kinda like you can't buy a new house if you never leave the house you are in.

 

I know you want to believe you have this supermagical love that transcends time, HST, I get that. EVERY OW has thought that.

 

And if everyone is talking, how does his wife not know?

 

I know you like to think you know what goes on in their home, but you really don't. And she may have told you something years ago, doesn't mean it is still true.

 

Let's say she finds out, and she chooses to stay in the marriage. What are you going to do if he still doesn't leave?

 

I just can't believe you are going to wait around for 3-4 more years. That boggles my mind. And I don't get why he won't leave NOW --- if he is so unhappy at home, and they don't sleep together and don't act like they are married, WHY DOES HE STAY if he is so in love with you? To avoid paying child support??

 

I've thought about that - how open am I really to finding someone else. You're probably right. I'm going to try to stay open, but it's going to be a challenge.

 

I do think we have a special magical kind of love. That's why I'm stuck.

 

His wife has been talking longer than anybody. She accused him of sleeping with me ten years ago. She's called me his "girlfriend" since I met them. I think she was aware of our chemistry way back then.

 

You're right, I don't know everything that goes on in their house. But he goes to bed early, gets up early. She's a night owl. She stays up all night and naps in the day. He texts me for an hour while he's in bed before he goes to sleep. He doesn't lie to me. I know that they still have sex. I'm not sure when. I try not to think about it. That might even be the best part of their relationship. They fight about everything else. I have seen it.

 

Why does he stay? There are many reasons why he stays. And yes, I think he worries financially - I think child support is a part of it. He doesn't want to hurt his children. He also worries about the times when his kids would be left alone with their mother. I have tried not to speak badly of her. I have tried to leave her out of these discussions. But, she is not the most stable person around. She is paranoid and irrational. She is a compulsive liar. She plays games and manipulates people, including her children and her husband. He struggles with this image of who he is. He never thought he would be this kind of person. He has always done the "right" thing. He is Catholic and he is having a hard time with that. He doesn't want to let down extended family either. It's more than that too. It's a lot of things that he is slowly coming to terms with. I can see it. As long as I can see that progress is being made, I'll continue to hold on. I honestly don't think I'll have to wait 3-4 years.

 

Thank you for post. I know you're trying to help me. I know how all of this sounds. If I wasn't living it, I'm not sure what I would think of the things I'm saying.

[fooled once]

If you choose to believe everything he says and want to wait 3-4 year or 20 years, it is up to you. You are the one who lives your life; makes no difference to me.

 

I would just hate to see you back here in 3-4 years crying about how much you love him, how he lied, how he never left his wife, how you wasted so much of your life.

 

I would be a years salary you will be back to say that; but again, it doesn't affect my life at all in any way.

 

If you are not in a relationship, you can see the whole relationship vs being IN IT and not seeing it.

 

I could be wrong; but I doubt it.

 

If you are wiling to settle for being 2nd best, that is up to you.

 

If you are willing to share the man you love with someone else, that is up to you.

 

Good luck.

[Luckyluss]

I'm with you. I have days where I think I don't need him and I'd be better off without him, but most days I think how can I give this up?

 

I know eventually I will get tired of waiting. I know I can't do this forever. I don't hold out much hope on meeting someone else though.

 

Do have hope. I met someone I could have explored something with but h'es not interested very much in me, I think.

 

As for my EA, the W of my MM will be leaving town for several weeks in December. I know he'll want to resume our relationship right then but I'm thinking, NO, not until he separates. Problem is, it's so hard to wait and I feel like I'm powerless , because whether we have sex or not is not even very relevant, I think; and that someone only separates when they're at the end of THEIR rope...

 

Can do a few months, not even sure of that, the more I see him doing nothing the less I think I will wait - and definitely not 3 years!

[MistyK]

someone only separates when they're at the end of THEIR rope...

 

Yes, true. But keep mind that he may not get to the end of his rope with you waiting because you make his M tolerable.

[Luckyluss]

Happy New Year to all of you. I've been reading you all for the last few weeks.

 

So, here I am and fast forward about two months later.

I broke it up w/my MM in November. The bad moments for me outweighed the good. At every fork in the road, the choice he made was his wife, despite pleas to the contrary.

 

I felt proud of myself for having made the only sound decision for my self esteem and sanity, but I felt shattered ever since. Dating plenty but with a frozen heart.

 

We have been in NC for almost 2 months.He gets back in town this week after holidays spent with his family back home. He may contact me as he's coming back alone for a couple of weeks, or he may not. In any case, the toughest for me will be not to reach out to my phone or email, or to stay casual if he reaches out.

 

Before the holidays, I was somehow able not to reach out, by telling myself he would come back to me. Now, with 2 months of NC under my belt, I see he's not back and may never be, but I'm dying to know how he is. I miss him terribly and I'm sick of not seeing the end of this pain I'm in.

 

Thanks to all those who recommended NC. But I'm afraid I may waver...

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Happy New Year to all of you. I've been reading you all for the last few weeks.

 

So, here I am and fast forward about two months later.

I broke it up w/my MM in November. The bad moments for me outweighed the good. At every fork in the road, the choice he made was his wife, despite pleas to the contrary.

 

I felt proud of myself for having made the only sound decision for my self esteem and sanity, but I felt shattered ever since. Dating plenty but with a frozen heart.

 

We have been in NC for almost 2 months.He gets back in town this week after holidays spent with his family back home. He may contact me as he's coming back alone for a couple of weeks, or he may not. In any case, the toughest for me will be not to reach out to my phone or email, or to stay casual if he reaches out.

 

Before the holidays, I was somehow able not to reach out, by telling myself he would come back to me. Now, with 2 months of NC under my belt, I see he's not back and may never be, but I'm dying to know how he is. I miss him terribly and I'm sick of not seeing the end of this pain I'm in.

 

Thanks to all those who recommended NC. But I'm afraid I may waver...

 

Wow two months NC..... impressive. I wish I could go two weeks. I'm sorry you're hurting. I guess my advice would be to remember how you felt the other times he chose his wife(like I feel pretty much all the time lately). Try and build up extra resistance just in case he does come back. Be strong. Prepare yourself, but don't set yourself up to be disappointed if he doesn't make contact. I wish I had more to offer. This truly sucks..