Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi, I'm new at posting but have read many of the threads. I'm looking for advice and support, not judgement...so thanks in advance! I had a 2-months affair with a MM whose W was out of town - started casual but got more involved, as we practically didn't leave each other for that time. Never such an occurence happened for either of us. At the end of those 2 months, prior to her coming back, we agreed that it would be lame to continue our relationship - at least sexually, but we could definitely stay friends. I was clear that it wasn't my goal to continue to be the mistress of a MM and was expecting better for myself and for him. We did agree that we were interested in each other as potential partners, not just lovers. From what he told me, he is in a loveless, sexless and conflictual relationship and it has been getting worse over the past two years, and he intends to separate but of course it involves complications because of his child. He said he wouldn't make a decision until the end of this calendar year. We saw each other recently - as friends, and I could tell he was in pain - both at home and in front of me. He asked me travel with him early next year (his wife is in and out of town for extended periods of time) - but I intend to stick to my guns and not go as long as he's not separated. - what do you think? As far as the relationship goes -should I wait it out at least until the end of the year, see how we like each other as people, not just BF and GF?
tami-chan Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hello Luckyluss! Welcome to LS! You should stick to your guns and not re-kindle the physical affair. Should you wait it out? NO. Why should you? All you have of him is two months of something that was untested by time and "public disclosure". Move on and establish no contact. What you need from him and for yourself, he is unable to give plus there is no telling if he will ever leave the marriage-most don't. So cut your losses and tell him goodbye.....I know easy to say....but trust me, many have and are better for it. Good luck!
MistyK Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Is there some significance to the end of the year? I sense stalling. I am willing to bet that it'll keep getting put off indefinitely. If you go with him before he is separated, you are telling him that he isn't expected to live up to the standard you set. So why would he separate if he has no incentive to? I'm sure you already know this, but using the children as an excuse to leave the marriage is just that, an excuse - and a lame one at that. So you understand where I'm coming from here's the pertinent part of my story....about 1.5 years into my relationship with a MM I was frustrated with his indecision, so I went on a date. He freaked out and a couple weeks later he committed to me and promised to separate and divorce. That was July. In September he was to go away with me for the weekend and ended up cancelling because I discovered that his wife hired at private detective. He told me that he would be moving out that weekend because he was so enraged about it. The weekend came and went and no move. My birthday was the next month and while he spent some time with me, it was quick, strained and unhappy because his wife also knew it was my birthday and busted him lying about where he was. He was miserable, so I was too. I left him in November because he still wasn't even looking at other places to live. He moved out into another property of his because he didn't want to lose me, but he moved back 3 days later because he "missed the kids too much". He pleaded with me, swore he'd leave for real when he got a bigger place to live and I took him back a week or so later. Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas and he wanted to stay through the holidays. He swore he'd be out in January. Then it was the end of January. Then he thought it would be too "mean" to leave before Valentine's Day. He spent Valentine's Day with his wife for the 2nd time. To say that I was crushed by that is an understatement. In January, he finally started looking for a house. On a daily basis I heard that he couldn't stand it another day, but still no move. I left him again. March 1st he finally moved out - but I use that term loosely - he told his wife that he was planning on moving out that day, but she decided to preempt him. She brought his clothes to his workplace and threw them at him. Moving out didn't mean much because he continued to sleep at his wife's house periodically and spent every waking moment there. It went on for months and it was his wife that finally filed for divorce. See a pattern here? Don't sit around waiting for him. He will take advantage of your patience, and you're going to hurt really badly with every disappointment. Let him walk the walk before you believe any of his talk. ((hugs))
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 but I intend to stick to my guns and not go as long as he's not separated. - what do you think? Great idea! But, wait longer..Until he's divorced..Just because he separates, doesn't mean he won't go back.. For your own sake, protect your heart..Wait till he is officially divorced, has time to sort himself out (ending his marriage, going through custody issues, finances etc) for a while, THEN casually date him and get to know him in a more honest way, that way it's more of a 'relationship' and not an affair dynamtic. If you wait till he's separated, then date him, it's still going to have an affair dynamtic..Doubt he'll tell many people about you, so it'll be hidden and a secret. You deserve better and more. Don't settle.. And definately don't wait too long for this guy.. Let his actions match his words. Many MM say they are unhappy, don't have sex with their wives, don't get along blah blah blah, but when push comes to shove, they don't leave..And it isn't just because of 'kids'.. To give up a whole life built with his wife for someone new and the unknown is alot.. Unless, he was ready to separate/divorce before you came into his life..
seibert253 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hello Luckyluss! Welcome to LS! You should stick to your guns and not re-kindle the physical affair. Should you wait it out? NO. Why should you? All you have of him is two months of something that was untested by time and "public disclosure". Move on and establish no contact. What you need from him and for yourself, he is unable to give plus there is no telling if he will ever leave the marriage-most don't. So cut your losses and tell him goodbye.....I know easy to say....but trust me, many have and are better for it. Good luck! Tami's right. Yes Mr. Cuda in this case she's dead on. He's just gonna keep you hanging on. Even though what you did in the past was wrong, who hasn't done stupid things, then looked back and say WTF, you deserve better.
Author Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 [Let his actions match his words. Many MM say they are unhappy, don't have sex with their wives, don't get along blah blah blah, but when push comes to shove, they don't leave..And it isn't just because of 'kids'.. To give up a whole life built with his wife for someone new and the unknown is alot.. Unless, he was ready to separate/divorce before you came into his life.. Thanks, totally agreed, i just would have been out in a flash if i didn't sense he was ready to separate before hand...and because he so far has been good to his word.... I'd like to know of any success stories in that area where the MM actually left because he was intending to?
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 From what he told me, he is in a loveless, sexless and conflictual relationship and it has been getting worse over the past two years, and he intends to separate but of course it involves complications because of his child. He said he wouldn't make a decision until the end of this calendar year. Do you have proof of this? All you can go on..Is his word. You know he's lied to his wife already since he's having an affair with you. He's capable of omitting certain truths, exaggerating to suit him best. Not malciously, but selfishly.. Saying "I'm going to separate by years end" is one thing..Doing it is another. How do you know his wife is even aware he's unhappy? What if once he's at home with her and their child, life is good and he is just enjoying the fact he's got two women now to meet all his needs? How has he been good to his word? If he truly loves you, he won't let the A go on. He'll end it and the two of you will give eachother time and space..So he can end his marriage in an honest and fair way.. Not take his time, continue to lie and cheat and betray his wife.. And keep you hanging on, waiting and waiting .. I hope this makes sense to you.
ForumFool Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Oh sweetie stick to your guns..Let me tell you from experience as a BS so to speak..(I am a rare one as I don't love my husband and am glad to be getting out of this..in fact I am moving Oct-Nov at the latest....no boo hoos here and felt sorry for the ladies he messed with)...My husband was online trying to hook up with chicks...he was on all these sex on the site sites and met ..had coffee with at least one lady. I found out and read ALL his emails and log files lol....anyhow he said things like he hated being here....with me..he hated spending time with me...he was lonely..we didn't have sex..in reality not much of that was true. He was/is just unhappy because he is aging .....and has issues with himself. Moving forward when I gae notice..no drama just said look we aren't working....its over...bang HE started trying to fix things.....he sat at McDonalds weeping when I was talking about splitting assets...all nice not snotty etc...he was the one saying " I can't imagine living without you" ...He begged me to stay ..said he would pay all my bills to stay..not the words of a man who hated life with me..nor half the crap he passed off on those ladies...My point is...your guy COULD be telling the truth...or he could be looking to feed his ego like my husband was....the test is..will he end his marriage to BE WITH YOU? If not....he is just wanting sex while his wife is on another trip ..YOU deserve better than that.....Anyhow I wish you luck but don't let him play you....it LOOKS like a set up ...but I could be wrong
VictoryisMine Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm going thru the exact same thing , but no children involved. I'm waiting it out. With me it's going on 7 months. So far he is doing everything that he has said he is going to do.... I had no intention of being a mistress either. About three months into our affair he told his wife about us. In the next three months divorce is filed, his house is for sale and everyone is aware of what happened and what is happening. In my case he lives in another state, I met him when he was working here as a contractor after a major hurricane came thru. But i'll tell you, waiting takes it's toll and it is a rollercoaster ride with emotions. And this is with everything going according to 'plan'. Happy highs, stomach turning anger, even depressing sadness. If you feel you have the strength, wait and see what happens.
2sure Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I had no intention of being a mistress either. About three months into our affair he told his wife about us. In the next three months divorce is filed, his house is for sale and everyone is aware of what happened and what is happening. This is a very rare scenerio and the only effective one. The former OW on here who ended up with their MM laid these things out immediately. And saw action right away.
TogetherForever Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 [Let his actions match his words. Many MM say they are unhappy, don't have sex with their wives, don't get along blah blah blah, but when push comes to shove, they don't leave..And it isn't just because of 'kids'.. To give up a whole life built with his wife for someone new and the unknown is alot.. Unless, he was ready to separate/divorce before you came into his life.. Thanks, totally agreed, i just would have been out in a flash if i didn't sense he was ready to separate before hand...and because he so far has been good to his word.... I'd like to know of any success stories in that area where the MM actually left because he was intending to? Read my history LuckyLuss.
2sure Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Exit Affairs are not uncommon. And are probably the easiest to deal with for all parties, as far as understanding. The thing is...an affair itself does not create the EXIT.
fooled once Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi, I'm new at posting but have read many of the threads. I'm looking for advice and support, not judgement...so thanks in advance! I had a 2-months affair with a MM whose W was out of town - started casual but got more involved, as we practically didn't leave each other for that time. Never such an occurence happened for either of us. At the end of those 2 months, prior to her coming back, we agreed that it would be lame to continue our relationship - at least sexually, but we could definitely stay friends. I was clear that it wasn't my goal to continue to be the mistress of a MM and was expecting better for myself and for him. We did agree that we were interested in each other as potential partners, not just lovers. From what he told me, he is in a loveless, sexless and conflictual relationship and it has been getting worse over the past two years, and he intends to separate but of course it involves complications because of his child. He said he wouldn't make a decision until the end of this calendar year. We saw each other recently - as friends, and I could tell he was in pain - both at home and in front of me. He asked me travel with him early next year (his wife is in and out of town for extended periods of time) - but I intend to stick to my guns and not go as long as he's not separated. - what do you think? As far as the relationship goes -should I wait it out at least until the end of the year, see how we like each other as people, not just BF and GF? If you don't want to be a mistress, don't date a married guy. I wouldn't wait -- wait for what? For him to decide he wants to be married? Come on, what doesn't he know now? Why does he need 3 more months? Sounds silly - but it does keep you waiting which is what he wants. Until he is seperated and starting the divorce process, he is a married man. If you accept anything less than that, you will continue to be a mistress.
Author Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 If you don't want to be a mistress, don't date a married guy. I wouldn't wait -- wait for what? For him to decide he wants to be married? Come on, what doesn't he know now? Why does he need 3 more months? Sounds silly - but it does keep you waiting which is what he wants. Until he is seperated and starting the divorce process, he is a married man. If you accept anything less than that, you will continue to be a mistress. Well, if we don't have sex, I'm no longer a mistress, and I'm not dating him either. Right? So that's what I'm counting on, for him to start divorce process before continuing anything...so my dilemna was, is 3 more months worth waiting for?
TogetherForever Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hi, I'm new at posting but have read many of the threads. I'm looking for advice and support, not judgement...so thanks in advance! I had a 2-months affair with a MM whose W was out of town - started casual but got more involved, as we practically didn't leave each other for that time. Never such an occurence happened for either of us. At the end of those 2 months, prior to her coming back, we agreed that it would be lame to continue our relationship - at least sexually, but we could definitely stay friends. I was clear that it wasn't my goal to continue to be the mistress of a MM and was expecting better for myself and for him. We did agree that we were interested in each other as potential partners, not just lovers. From what he told me, he is in a loveless, sexless and conflictual relationship and it has been getting worse over the past two years, and he intends to separate but of course it involves complications because of his child. He said he wouldn't make a decision until the end of this calendar year. We saw each other recently - as friends, and I could tell he was in pain - both at home and in front of me. He asked me travel with him early next year (his wife is in and out of town for extended periods of time) - but I intend to stick to my guns and not go as long as he's not separated. - what do you think? As far as the relationship goes -should I wait it out at least until the end of the year, see how we like each other as people, not just BF and GF? My opinion is that you should NOT continue with this man until he is divorced. Even then, I'd still have doubts. What decision is he gonna make at the end of the year? I'm confused on that part.
TogetherForever Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well, if we don't have sex, I'm no longer a mistress, and I'm not dating him either. Right? So that's what I'm counting on, for him to start divorce process before continuing anything...so my dilemna was, is 3 more months worth waiting for?[/QUOTE] No, it's not worth waiting for 3 months for him to make or not to make an important decision like wether to divorce or not. IMO, he should know the answer NOW & not 90 days from now.
fooled once Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Ditto TogetherForever. So you and he aren't speaking at all, right? He is not texting you, emailing you, etc. You have NO communication with him, right? If that is all true, then I guess right now you aren't a mistress; but if you have slept with him and are waiting until the next opportunity, then yes, in my mind, you ARE a mistress. Why would anything be different in January? You said he has a child? Is the child in school? Best of my knoweldge, no schools start or end in December (except winter break). So what is he waiting for??? Did he tell you the significance of waiting til January? And why oh WHY would you put your life on hold for something that isn't even concrete? WHY? Because this man who is lying to and cheating on his wife is such a great catch??
Devil Inside Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well, if we don't have sex, I'm no longer a mistress, and I'm not dating him either. Right? So that's what I'm counting on, for him to start divorce process before continuing anything...so my dilemna was, is 3 more months worth waiting for? The danger in waiting is that if he does not follow through in three months where will you be. You will have put your life on hold for him. No matter how on task he is with getting things done...it is a long road...and there will be many hurdles yet to come. If you move on, three months roll by, and he did what he said he would...then you could be with him then...I doubt you will be married by then.
Author Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I agree I shoudn't put my life on hold for him - actually I'm registering myself on a dating website. I do gather from all of your comments (thank you ladies!) that usually MM leave pretty fast or never leave, so I think 3 month is still a reasonable time frame. And to clarify, before meeting me, him and his W had already been on the verge of divorce several times, so our A acts as a catalyst for him, all the better. And in the meantime, we agreed to call off the A sexualy. So, he has no interestest in "sticking around" since as of 2 weeks ago he can't have his cake and eat it too. Finally, I think you all agree that I shouldn't be involved sexually until he separates. I do need hope and all is not bleak, so did any of you get through this and it ended for the better - as in you ended up dating your former MM?
fooled once Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I agree I shoudn't put my life on hold for him - actually I'm registering myself on a dating website. I do gather from all of your comments (thank you ladies!) that usually MM leave pretty fast or never leave, so I think 3 month is still a reasonable time frame. And to clarify, before meeting me, him and his W had already been on the verge of divorce several times, so our A acts as a catalyst for him, all the better. And in the meantime, we agreed to call off the A sexualy. So, he has no interestest in "sticking around" since as of 2 weeks ago he can't have his cake and eat it too. Finally, I think you all agree that I shouldn't be involved sexually until he separates. I do need hope and all is not bleak, so did any of you get through this and it ended for the better - as in you ended up dating your former MM? How long have you actually known this man? I mean, I know you don't really know him, know him -- but how long have you been with him? What prompted you to get involved with someone married? Was it the old line of "My wife isn't there for me anymore; we never have sex, blah blah" ? You said you sensed he was ready to separate, not that he had actually separated with his wife.... So he isn't separated, just a poor lonely guy with a wife he doesn't want anymore (but he did so at one time and they obviously had sex at least once since they have a child). So what actions has he actually shown you that he is 'ready' to separate? The fact that he is having an affair? You don't really know him -- 2 months of sex doesn't really get you to know someone. I highly doubt he is going to give up his life, his family, his security for you. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but odds are, he stays put. And odds are, you either aren't his first affair or you won't be his last. He wants you to 'wait for him' for 3 more months. I cannot understand why the wait if he is soo close to separating anyway. Does he want to spend one more holiday season with his family? While you are waiting, are you okay knowing he goes home to his wife every night? Are you okay with them having sex? Or does he tell you they don't have sex Regarding the bolded part - yikes! You really think your affair is what is going to make him decide to divorce? And that is good with you? You think having an affair while married is okay, as long as it leads to divorce? What about marriage counseling first? What about separating BEFORE getting involved in an affair? I can tell from the tone of your posts that you are in deep with this guy and you won't mind waiting .... so good luck to you!
Author Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 QUOTE: Regarding the bolded part - yikes! You really think your affair is what is going to make him decide to divorce? And that is good with you? You think having an affair while married is okay, as long as it leads to divorce? What about marriage counseling first? What about separating BEFORE getting involved in an affair? Thanks, but as I said, I thought the purpose of these forums was support, not judgment...I'm sure I can find judgmental advice or finger pointing anywhere else, so thought this is as a safe place to discuss and vent about issues that do happen anyway - that's why we are all here! 60% of marriages end in divorce, those divorcees will eventually partner up again...out of all of these who find new partners I can bet that many an encounter happened while still married!
Author Luckyluss Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 [Don't sit around waiting for him. He will take advantage of your patience, and you're going to hurt really badly with every disappointment. Let him walk the walk before you believe any of his talk. ((hugs)) And this I believe! I've registered on a dating website, and I'm starting now. Part of me thinks that whatever is meant to be will be, and actions do speak louder than words....My plan is to hold my hope until the end of the year, which may appear weird to some. In the meantime, the grass MAY be greener in cyberspace!
bentnotbroken Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well, if we don't have sex, I'm no longer a mistress, and I'm not dating him either. Right? So that's what I'm counting on, for him to start divorce process before continuing anything...so my dilemna was, is 3 more months worth waiting for? An EA(even if you do call it a friendship)still makes you a mistress.
bentnotbroken Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 QUOTE: Regarding the bolded part - yikes! You really think your affair is what is going to make him decide to divorce? And that is good with you? You think having an affair while married is okay, as long as it leads to divorce? What about marriage counseling first? What about separating BEFORE getting involved in an affair? Thanks, but as I said, I thought the purpose of these forums was support, not judgment...I'm sure I can find judgmental advice or finger pointing anywhere else, so thought this is as a safe place to discuss and vent about issues that do happen anyway - that's why we are all here! 60% of marriages end in divorce, those divorcees will eventually partner up again...out of all of these who find new partners I can bet that many an encounter happened while still married! Judgement requires punishment. No one here can punish you for your choices, but they can say they think something is off. It is a public forum and one must be prepared for posts they don't like. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
fooled once Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 QUOTE: Regarding the bolded part - yikes! You really think your affair is what is going to make him decide to divorce? And that is good with you? You think having an affair while married is okay, as long as it leads to divorce? What about marriage counseling first? What about separating BEFORE getting involved in an affair? Thanks, but as I said, I thought the purpose of these forums was support, not judgment...I'm sure I can find judgmental advice or finger pointing anywhere else, so thought this is as a safe place to discuss and vent about issues that do happen anyway - that's why we are all here! 60% of marriages end in divorce, those divorcees will eventually partner up again...out of all of these who find new partners I can bet that many an encounter happened while still married! Well, of all my friends who divorced, none of them have had affairs -- and 70% of second marriages end in divorce. I have been an OW - I know what I am talking about. It isn't judging for heaven't sake......
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