schmoopy Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 For about the last 6 months, I've been dating a dear friend of 12 years. I've adored him as long as I've known him, and upon learning the feeling was mutual, it was very easy for us to transition from a platonic to a romantic relationship. This is the first time I've experienced romance with someone who I'd already loved as a friend for so many years, and it has been the most fulfilling and even awe inspiring connection of my life so far. However, the last seven days have brought sudden agony. When we first began dating, he had been seeing someone casually and without commitment for about 2 years. As he's explained it to me, their relationship was non-committal by design, and held the understanding that one of them might meet someone someday and end things between them. They checked in with each other frequently, and he made sure to be ceaselessly honest with her about his headspace with regards to their relationship. He told me that at one point quite a while ago, he came to feel that it might not be a good idea to wait until one of them met somebody, as he felt it'd cause pain regardless of their lack of commitment. He brought it up to her, and she told him she disagreed. She talked him out of breaking things off with her, saying she preferred to enjoy what they had while they had it, and if "Mr./Ms. Right" came along, things would be fine. So... time passes, and along comes me. After dating me casually for a few months, he realized his feelings for me were already greater than anything he'd felt before, and growing rapidly still. He felt instant honesty was the only option, so the very next time he saw her, he let her know that he'd met that someone they'd talked about, and so things needed to end between them. He wanted to retain their friendship, but all romance must stop. She was upset, of course, but seemed to accept things, understandably a bit tearful. Over the following months, she proceeded to have fairly regular breakdowns whenever they would meet for a friendly hangout. She told him that she'd had much stronger feelings for him during most of their relationship, and hadn't admitted it to him because she felt she wasn't allowed to. She basically convinced him that he was responsible for her hiding her true feelings from him, even though he was nothing but honest with her through everything. Ever since her admission, he has become so guilt-riddled that it's put him into depression. He seems to have accepted her blame, and can't stand the guilt of having "done this to" someone he cares about. He tried to deal with the guilt/depression for about a month, but it became too much. Last week, he told me that he needed to stop seeing me. He said it wasn't fair to her for him to be seeing someone right after breaking things off with her, so he needed to put us on hiatus. He could not tell me how long this hiatus would need to be, or whether we would see each other at all (on a platonic level) during this period. He did say that he promised her that we would not stay the night with each other, even without sex, and that he would tell her immediately when he decided to start seeing me again. I can understand most of the situation perfectly, and actually admire his unbelievable gentility and care with her. Still, I can't help feeling it's wrong of her to promote him feeling such guilt over something she herself convinced him he should do. He feels horrid, because he waited until he had fallen for someone else before breaking off with her, but he had tried to break off with her before that happened, and she talked him out of it. She told him things would be fine if this very circumstance happened, and now she's sitting back and letting him feel this huge burden of guilt, because she isn't fine after all. I'm having big trouble seeing why the fault in this situation has been heaped upon him alone. Regardless of my difficulty to understand that bit of things, I have accepted his need to take an unknown amount of time away from us, in order to heal whatever he needs to heal here. I am trying my hardest every day to grant him support by my absence, and struggling not to let my own pain show in my voice when he calls to check on me, lest it make things even harder for him. This has been no small task for me. I'm in excruciating pain, and feel as though I could explode all my emotions all over him at any moment, making an even bigger mess of things. I guess I'm just hoping that someone here might have a few words of comfort and/or wisdom, to help me get through this period a little more smoothly. I truly feel like a fish out of water... flailing, painfully gasping, and just trying to reach for the peace of the water again.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Well, that's ****ed up. How lovely that he entered into a relationship with you without fully detaching the iron grip his non-committed-x had on him. The arrangement was NO COMMITMENT, no strings with this ex of his - and yet, she's sure pulling those strings now, isn't she? Sounds to me like she misled him by saying it was no-commitment. Which happens a lot in scenarios like this - one person almost ALWAYS has this underlying hope of "something more" whether they'll say it, or not. But I fail to see how that's his fault. They had an agreement - she has broken her word. The reason I'm taking such a cold stance on this was because SHE agreed to no-commitment. It was basically a business deal and she has pissed backwards. That's nice. She's holding HIS happiness ransom as payback for the fact that he's not in love with her. What a shady deal altogether. Do you really want to enter back into this relationship with him (if he ever comes back) with the shadow of this WOMAN overhanging him? She had the power to PULL him out of your arms - what an insult to you. If it were me, I would stop answering his phone calls. I'd let him know I can't deal with the pain. It's all or nothing. He's keeping you baited and on the sidelines by giving you a little scrap here and there with his little "check-up" phone calls. That's crap. Do you deserve 100% from somebody? Well, you're sure not getting it from this guy. I think it's time to cut him loose completely - let him decide once and for all - you or the non-committed GF. He can't "miss you" if you don't push him out completely. OF COURSE you're in pain, hun - it's like a wound that has scabbed over and he keeps coming into the picture to pull the scab off and refresh the pain. Excuse the graphic reference, but I think it makes it quite clear what he's doing to you. I don't know why you think you deserve this kind of treatment. I had to hold down my gag reflex at this comment: He did say that he promised her that we would not stay the night with each other, even without sex, and that he would tell her immediately when he decided to start seeing me again.If she wasn't his full-on GF, then WTF is she? His MOTHER? This guy needs to find his ball sac - I'm going to guess it's in that chick's purse.
loveslife Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I was in a similar situation. The guy went back to the woman. Your friend was seeing this woman for two years. Even without "commitment" they have a history together. She obviously has a hold on him. I also almost gagged at his promise to not spend the night with you. He's not being fair to you at all. And he's not all that interested after all, in my opinion. I know it's hard but don't be there when he comes back.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 schmoopy - I had an additional thought about this today. You think he's honorable for trying to spare her feelings? What about YOURS? So he's choosing to hurt YOU over hurting HER. Wow - yeah, he sounds like a winner. I'd be waiting by the phone for this one. You didn't break your word to anybody - she did. Sounds to me like he has stronger feelings for her than he admitted.
tkgirl Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I think this guy has you disillusioned and you are giving him waaaaay too much credit. He is not being "honorable" at all... basically asking you to wait around for him while he plays around some more with his "old friend"... yea right! I say dump his @$$...
aerogurl87 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Well, that's ****ed up. I couldn't agree more! So he finds someone else who makes him happy and she goes and manipulates him by putting him on this awful guilt trip to have him all to herself still. If the relationship was non-committal then he had no obligation to her. As mean as this may sound, I wouldn't have cared if my FWB (which she basically was for 2 years) cried and threw a fit. If you agree to just be f**k buddies then you shouldn't be shocked or sad when things end. She had two years, two long years to sit him down and tell him how she felt, but she missed her chance. If I were you I'd be pissed off at him though. He's acting like she's his ex girlfriend or something when she was no more than a booty call. Either he just feels guilty about hurting her or he's secretly been harbouring feelings for her too. Personally, I believe he just feels guilty and his "ex" is a manipulative b**ch. She sees him happy with someone else when she's still alone and she goes off and cries about it. I bet if she would've found Mr. Right before he found you she wouldn't be crying a freaking river. But I'd give it some time first, maybe a week or so. Then I'd tell him that either he had to let her go completely (because if he doesn't, she's going to keep at this whole whining scenario) or we could only be friends and that I would move on.
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