I'm a lousy fiancee

[So_Sick78]

4 years ago my fiance cheated and fathered a child, I was angry and hurt and I chose to stay with him as I loved him so damn much.

He said his main priority was to "fix" things between us.

For the first three years we were great, we continued having sex, began planning our wedding, everything was perfect and then last year happened . . .

 

I met a guy and for whatever reason I felt justified in cheating, so I did. It was so wrong and I felt sick, I slept with this guy 3 times over a 8 month period. It meant nothing and the guy and I were friends & I could talk to him, about anything and everything, where I couldn't talk to my fiance, as he'd get mad and usually make me feel small. The guy looked just like my fiance but he made me feel like a person. It was nothing passionate, the sex just numbed the pain I was feeling and I'd go home. No one knew my fiance cheated and fathered a child, so I had no one to talk to, I don't know why I told him out of all people but he didn't judge and we could talk about things.

 

But the guilt was unbearable and one night I tried to tell him and he said if I ever cheated he's leave me, and slit my throat, so I kept my mouth shut.

My fiance and I stopped having sex, not because I was still cheating (that was long done) but because the guilt, I hated myself and what I had done, and I felt ashamed and dirty and couldn't move past it.

Well, my fiance is now my ex and I'm devastated, I know had I not do what I had done, we'd still be together now.

I've never cheated on anyone before as I know what it feels like to be cheated on and it sucks!

I'm disgusted by my behavior, and that I allowed my insecurities to cloud my judgement. I've now lost the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

How do I get past this? We're done forever but I don't want him to hate me, I'm not even sure he knows.

I feel sick all the time, and I'm so sorry. I know two wrongs don't make a right and I hate myself for being so weak and chose that path. I ruined my relationship and that was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to stop hurting, and I know I went about it the wrong way, I love him more than anything and I messed up and I'm sorry.

[Devil Inside]

SS

 

You sound like you are in immense amounts of pain. Sorry. It is very hard to lose the person we thought we would be with forever.

 

To compound this loss you are carrying a lot of shame for what happened. You also seem to be carrying a lot of the responsibility for the relationship ending...which is a bad place to be. You are only one person...there is another...what happens is about both of you. Also, unless you can forgive yourself for making a mistake...it will be hard for you to be available to anybody ever again.

 

When you hurt a little less it will be important to look back at your relationship and realize there were some red flags. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

So looking at red flags a few jump out.

 

1. You were engaged for four years. That is a long time...why the hold up?

 

2. You both cheated. This is not always a deal breaker but points to deeper issues that should be worked on in therapy...did you ever go?

 

3. He said that he would slit your throat. This jumps out at me. I understand saying he would leave if you cheated (even though he did the same), but to say he would slit your throat...that is very violent and abusive. Did he ever hit you or have other controlling behaviors?...because this fits the profile of a batter.

 

Good luck to you. Please take care of yourself and nurse that broken heart...it will get better.

[aeh]

I agree with DI.

 

However, all I really had to read was that about slitting your throat and the rest didn't matter. Anyone that would say this to you is not worth your time or worry. I know it hurts terribly and you feel very guilty, but you are better off without him.

[So_Sick78]

Thanks, DI, I try and tell myself that, but things fell apart once I withdrew. I was feeling lonely and frustrated. This pain I'm feeling is like anything I ever known.

 

Our wedding was planned, but it never happened, I had to propone it, again. The hold up was his mum. We were together for eight years, I bought my dress and everything. Thing is I know him, if it was that important to him, we'd be married.

 

No therapy, but he offered to go in December, but nothing came out of it. I never made arrangements to see a councillor, I checked and made some

 

He was drunk the two time I was hit. I forgave him. I don't know if he was controlling. He was ok with me going out for the most part, it just depended where I was going. He was mad-scary when he was angry though.

 

I'm trying really hard to move on, and get on with my life, but it hurts knowing that I broke this relationship. I became a person I didn't reconize last year, I was miserable, angry, inconsiderate, selfish and I took him for granted.

I wish I went with him when he decided to move away, because then I could say I tried to make it right. My heart hurts and all of this was for nothing. I'm angry at myself for doing this. He said, I was stress, work and he couldn't do it anymore. I don't blame him

I guess I just don't understand what would make me sabotage my own relationship like this?

[Sparta8]

When you are working through such emotional matters it is often hard to see the forest for the trees.

 

But there are three tree branches here that you should pay close attention to, which should help you see the forest.

 

1.He hit you once.

2.He hit you again.

3.He threatened to slit your throat.

 

This was a dark forest you were traveling through. I congratulate you for leaving it, and am sure you will one day soon be happy you are out of it.

[sweetjasmine]

He was drunk the two time I was hit. I forgave him. I don't know if he was controlling. He was ok with me going out for the most part, it just depended where I was going. He was mad-scary when he was angry though.

 

That's really frightening.

 

I guess I just don't understand what would make me sabotage my own relationship like this?

 

!!!

 

How about the fact that he cheated and fathered a child with another woman? How about the fact that he hit you TWICE? How about the fact that he's mad-scary when he's angry? How about the fact that he threatened to slit your throat?

 

You are much, much better off without someone violent and abusive. Cheating on him was wrong, but it really, really pales in comparison to the horrible sh-t that he's done to you. It's scary that you're blaming yourself so much. Maybe you should see a counselor.

[ReturnToSender]

I am very afraid for you. I really hope that you read through your posts again...try to look from the outside in. Suppose it was a close friend or family member you loved and cared about that was saying these things. Physical abuse, threat to slit a throat..and though it pales in comparison still very worth bringing up, infidelity that led to fathering a child, and even paler in comparison yet still of note...a wedding that is taking 4 years to plan.

 

You havnt said anything good baout this guy...only that you love him. Why is this? Does he really make you feel safe, secure and loved? Does what you wrote sound like a man who knows how to treat the woman he loves? Really? Theres a lot in your own words for you to reflect on and think really hard on. You deserve so much more than this...no one whould have to put up with that.

 

Not to ignore yoru infidelity...though it is not justified, its interesting to note that he is to you what your fiance should be. That level of friendship, trust, confidentiality, comfort level to speak openly so on so forth...thats what you should be able to share with the man you love.

[reservoirdog1]

You shouldn't have cheated on him. Two wrongs don't make a right. But you already know that, and it's not the point of my post.

 

You desperately need some professional help. The guy you love so much hit you at least twice, screwed around on you and fathered another child, and threatened to cut your throat! And yet you STILL took him back!

 

The point is, you have escaped from a toxic relationship with a violent sleazeball who deserves to be castrated.

 

I agree with the others -- you are clearly in a massive amount of emotional pain, and you have my deepest sympathy. But you're not going to be able to heal from this until you're able to see your ex-fiance for what he really is. If he was the best thing that's ever happened to you... well, that's simultaneously a good thing AND a bad thing. Bad because the rest of your life must have been even crappier. Good, however, because you've survived being with him. One day, when you've healed and stopped pining for that abusive piece of shyt, you'll be able to meet somebody who will make you wonder why you ever settled for that cockroach.

 

ETA: I said at the beginning that two wrongs don't make a right, with respect to the cheating. However, your posts suggest that his anger and physical abuse were already part of your relationship before you strayed. And that your cheating was relatively close to the "end" of the relationship. And if that's the case, frankly, I'd give you a "get out of jail free" card for the cheating. People in relationships are supposed to be able to depend on their partners for certain things. Emotional and physical safety are two of those things -- a relationship, and a home two people share, is supposed to be a refuge from the shytty things that happen in the world. How could you possibly be able to see your relationship as a refuge if he was physically abusing you? Your ex-fiance was doing exactly the opposite of emotionally supporting you -- he was tearing you apart emotionally through his actions. Honestly, I don't really blame you for seeking comfort with another man. Especially since he was a spitting image of your ex-fiance -- you wanted to be with a man who was just like him, only without the psychotic tendencies and the physical harm.

 

I wish you the very best. Please get the help you need, and start the healing process.

[Devil Inside]

Just so you see it written again...go get some help. Get in with a counselor. You have been through a traumatic and abusive relationship...and you are still blaming yourself.

 

Look...I know right now it is hard to see past the pain...but therapy will help with that too.

 

Please let us know that you are ok.

[hoping2heal]

4 years ago my fiance cheated and fathered a child, I was angry and hurt and I chose to stay with him as I loved him so damn much.

He said his main priority was to "fix" things between us.

For the first three years we were great, we continued having sex, began planning our wedding, everything was perfect and then last year happened . . .

 

I met a guy and for whatever reason I felt justified in cheating, so I did. It was so wrong and I felt sick, I slept with this guy 3 times over a 8 month period. It meant nothing and the guy and I were friends & I could talk to him, about anything and everything, where I couldn't talk to my fiance, as he'd get mad and usually make me feel small. The guy looked just like my fiance but he made me feel like a person. It was nothing passionate, the sex just numbed the pain I was feeling and I'd go home. No one knew my fiance cheated and fathered a child, so I had no one to talk to, I don't know why I told him out of all people but he didn't judge and we could talk about things.

 

But the guilt was unbearable and one night I tried to tell him and he said if I ever cheated he's leave me, and slit my throat, so I kept my mouth shut.

My fiance and I stopped having sex, not because I was still cheating (that was long done) but because the guilt, I hated myself and what I had done, and I felt ashamed and dirty and couldn't move past it.

Well, my fiance is now my ex and I'm devastated, I know had I not do what I had done, we'd still be together now.

I've never cheated on anyone before as I know what it feels like to be cheated on and it sucks!

I'm disgusted by my behavior, and that I allowed my insecurities to cloud my judgement. I've now lost the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

How do I get past this? We're done forever but I don't want him to hate me, I'm not even sure he knows.

I feel sick all the time, and I'm so sorry. I know two wrongs don't make a right and I hate myself for being so weak and chose that path. I ruined my relationship and that was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to stop hurting, and I know I went about it the wrong way, I love him more than anything and I messed up and I'm sorry.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're in such a low state right now. I want to point out something that I think is important you become aware of. You said you could talk to this other guy about any and everything, where as you could not do that with your fiance. You also mentioned that your fiance made you feel "small". Neither one of those things reflect a healthy relationship. One partner should never be making the other partner feel "small" and you should feel like you can express yourself anger, sadness, silliness, happiness, joy etc. with your partner. You should feel like you can tell your partner any and everything, the fact that you could not, again should be wake up calls to you.

 

I don't see how this relationship would of possibly flourished into something positive and strong even if you never had cheated. Just being in a relationship doesn't mean you have intimacy with someone, and just having a body there doesn't mean you're not still alone, if you had to reach out to another man (not for sex) as someone you could share yourself with, and who would listen and validate you because you could not do that with your fiance, you would of ended up very, very alone.

[hoping2heal]

I wish I went with him when he decided to move away, because then I could say I tried to make it right. My heart hurts and all of this was for nothing. I'm angry at myself for doing this. He said, I was stress, work and he couldn't do it anymore. I don't blame him

I guess I just don't understand what would make me sabotage my own relationship like this?

 

OP, why are you so aware of your faults and shortcomings and wrongdoings, and yet casual about all of his? You were abused both physically and emotionally and let me tell you how clearly it shows. You are sitting here taking the blame for everything, rather than holding him to any responsibility. This man has torn you down at your core and I think your cheating, and irritability was a way of "fighting back" at this person who was repeatedly abusing you. I think there is a great deal of anger and resentment towards both him for doing this to you, and to yourself for allowing him to do this to you. He is gone now, and wake up sunshine it is one of the best things to happen to you now that an abuser is out of your life, now you can start to heal the spirit he has broken and get yourself well.

 

I hope you will also learn how to avoid abusive partners in the future, and learn to be able to handle being in a healthy, functional relationship and let someone love you and treat you right.

[Explained]

You wrote:

 

4 years ago my fiance cheated and fathered a child, I was angry and hurt and I chose to stay with him as I loved him so damn much.

 

Then, you wrote:

 

But the guilt was unbearable and one night I tried to tell him and he said if I ever cheated he's leave me, and slit my throat, so I kept my mouth shut.

 

I've now lost the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

 

It sounds like he is abusive, mentally and physically. Am I right?

 

A cheating, beating, lying, abusing person is "the best thing that's ever happened to you?" Why such low expectation? There are some great people out there that would never cheat and hit their spouse or girlfriend.

[freestyle]

You dodged a bullet, honey. I realize you're in a dark place right now, and

I'm soooo sorry for the pain you've experienced.

 

All signs show that your ex was physically and emotionally (FAR worse) abusive to you.

 

Stop and think for a moment.................is this the kind of person you would've wanted to raise children with? A man who threatened to "slit your throat"????????

 

I agree with Reservoir Dog here, this is a very rare circumstance in which

I believe a "Get Out of Jail Free" card should be considered regarding your cheating. I think it may have been your subconscious mind trying to reach out for a "lifeline"................While it's good that you show remorse for the act of cheating; it shows you have a conscience, in this case I don't believe that you need to beat yourself up about it.

 

My recommendation is to take some time off before starting a new relationship. I feel that you need some time and distance from your previous situation before you'll be able to see with clear eyes. Let yourself heal first...................................

 

*hugs* to you

[samsungxoxo]

As all the other posters pointed out, there is nothing good about this ex of yours you mentioned. I don't see why you still put him on a pedestal if he not only cheated but fathered a child as well as hitting you on two occassions and saying he would cut your throat if he found out about your cheating... So after all that, you still want him back???:confused: I don't understand this because no self-respecting woman would put up with getting screwed around, much less getting threatened in a serious way. That was murder he was threatening you with. I would have run the hills as soon I hear those words and inform the cops about it right away.......

 

It's clearly you need help, I don't know of any person saying they love an abusive cheater.. You should be blessed and happy he's out of your life...

 

As for your cheating, in this case let it slide and don't focus on it. Focus on your self-esteem and what partners to choose in the future. Do you want someone that cheats, hits you and threatens you with murder? Is that what you like, someone you have to fear for your life, do you really love living in fear???????

[Dexter Morgan]

4 years ago my fiance cheated and fathered a child, I was angry and hurt and I chose to stay with him as I loved him so damn much.

He said his main priority was to "fix" things between us.

For the first three years we were great, we continued having sex, began planning our wedding, everything was perfect and then last year happened . . .

 

I met a guy and for whatever reason I felt justified in cheating, so I did. It was so wrong and I felt sick, I slept with this guy 3 times over a 8 month period. It meant nothing and the guy and I were friends & I could talk to him, about anything and everything, where I couldn't talk to my fiance, as he'd get mad and usually make me feel small. The guy looked just like my fiance but he made me feel like a person. It was nothing passionate, the sex just numbed the pain I was feeling and I'd go home. No one knew my fiance cheated and fathered a child, so I had no one to talk to, I don't know why I told him out of all people but he didn't judge and we could talk about things.

 

But the guilt was unbearable and one night I tried to tell him and he said if I ever cheated he's leave me, and slit my throat, so I kept my mouth shut.

 

 

Ok, first of, lets get this out of the way, he cheated...it doesn't justify what you did and now you are not better than him.

 

Ok, having said that, you should have left him there right on the spot...one, he threatened to slit your throat.....was he freakin' serious?

 

And two, you forgave him, but he wouldn't give you the same in return if he found out. Talk about a double standard ahole.

 

 

My fiance and I stopped having sex, not because I was still cheating (that was long done) but because the guilt, I hated myself and what I had done, and I felt ashamed and dirty and couldn't move past it.

Well, my fiance is now my ex and I'm devastated, I know had I not do what I had done, we'd still be together now.

 

yes, but you'd have been with a man that wouldn't forgive you even though you forgave him. He cheated, but doesn't see his own idiotic hypocrisy in saying he'll leave you if you cheat. I can't believe he'd even tell you that and be able to look you in your eyes. pr!ck.

 

 

I've never cheated on anyone before as I know what it feels like to be cheated on and it sucks!

I'm disgusted by my behavior, and that I allowed my insecurities to cloud my judgement. I've now lost the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

 

are you insane??? he threatened to slit your throat and obviously doesn't care about you enough to give you the same consideration you gave him.

 

yes, you cheated...but your X is a double standard cheater.

 

 

How do I get past this? We're done forever but I don't want him to hate me, I'm not even sure he knows.

 

well to say he'd slit your throat, it sure doesn't sound like love.

 

 

I feel sick all the time, and I'm so sorry. I know two wrongs don't make a right and I hate myself for being so weak and chose that path. I ruined my relationship and that was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to stop hurting, and I know I went about it the wrong way, I love him more than anything and I messed up and I'm sorry.

 

its funny, how men can cheat and threaten a woman, and have them right were they want them.

 

I'm not saying this as a jab at you, but WAKE THE F UP!!!!!! not only is he a cheater, but a violent one. NOBODY threatens to slit someone elses throat...you don't even joke about it.

[So_Sick78]

Thank you all for your kind words, I know I need help and I've begun therapy, I go again next week.

 

I became super insecure after he cheated and made him my everything so he wouldn't leave me again. He was with this girl for 5 months, his behaviour never changed, I didn't suspect a thing. Since I depended on him for everything, and I lost myself.

He stopped respecting me, because I didn't respect myself, I became someone I no longer knew.

 

I know my cheating was wrong and I think that's why I'm having such a tough time, my actions have led me down a path that I'm not proud of. I behaved terribly; like a wayward child. I just wanted the pain to stop and stop feeling "less than".

 

Since our break up he's once again put me through the emotional ringer and I allowed that to happen because of my guilt, and because I felt like I deserved this.

 

I'm working through my demons, and appreciate all your advice and helpful thoughts. I have a long way to go, but I hope that this broken person will be better and therefore do better.

I'm hoping that I will be strong again and stop being so afraid of a life without him in it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm hoping that I will be strong again and stop being so afraid of a life without him in it.

 

you should be afraid of a life WITH him in it.

 

he threatened to slash your throat!

[So_Sick78]

I feel like the dumbest girl in the world. I cry all the time and although I know he's shady and a liar, I still miss him. I miss him everyday. What's wrong with me? All these things about our relationship have come out now (I ran into his child's mother), and it was all a lie. It doesn't change the fact that I cheated and I'm now no better than him, but I was hoping I was wrong about him.

I just feel like if I just done what he had asked and left the whole situation alone, and just sucked it up then I wouldn't have done what I did.

Guilt is such a horrible thing and I just want it to stop.

I see my therapist again on Monday. Got an email demanding my ring back, so I've been an emotional mess all weekend. I'll have to mail it to him tomorrow.

[Devil Inside]

I feel like the dumbest girl in the world. I cry all the time and although I know he's shady and a liar, I still miss him. I miss him everyday. What's wrong with me? All these things about our relationship have come out now (I ran into his child's mother), and it was all a lie. It doesn't change the fact that I cheated and I'm now no better than him, but I was hoping I was wrong about him.

I just feel like if I just done what he had asked and left the whole situation alone, and just sucked it up then I wouldn't have done what I did.

Guilt is such a horrible thing and I just want it to stop.

I see my therapist again on Monday. Got an email demanding my ring back, so I've been an emotional mess all weekend. I'll have to mail it to him tomorrow.

 

Don't feel dumb for missing him...regardless of how abusive he was he was your person...and it's hard to lose that.

 

Do. however, recognize that you can behave in a dumb fashion. Miss him all you want...feel guilt all you want...but by no means contact him or let him back into your life...that would be dumb.

 

I am glad to hear that you are getting some help.