Vertex Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I am the most overcritical hardass I think I've ever met, and it's driving me insane. I wish I could relax and not be so damn nitpicky, but my mind is so hard-locked into what I want out of a relationship. I absolutely MUST have an intelligent woman who is also very honest and forthcoming. With every girl I meet, I end up losing interest in because I somehow find that they aren't on the same level. It feels incredibly arrogant and elitist to feel this way, but I seem to have a hard time finding anyone with whom I can verbally spar/connect with. A woman who isn't very bright is just so boring to me and isn't very stimulating in the least, and it also affects how I view them physically. A hot girl who is otherwise dim may as well be a plank of wood :/ The problem is that I know, certainly, that there are plenty of intelligent girls out there... however, the underlying issue is that I feel as if I am not meeting any of them. I don't know if it's just bad luck or if my expectations are too high. I'm not expecting a woman to be able to spit out something absurd like a mathematical proof or anything, but I want someone who has clearly given a lot of thought to various things in the world -- who understands why they have the opinions they do. Someone who HAS opinions that are self-formed -- who can think critically for themselves. Someone with a level head, good common sense, great communication skills, ability to be empathetic, learns quickly, likes to learn/try new things, etc. Am I asking too much, here? I feel a bit hopeless.
Author Vertex Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Through friends of friends, basically.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Through friends of friends, basically. Most women who attends lectures should be ideal. You can try meeting women at say a how to get rich seminar. Just a suggestion and partially a joke. But you should avoid dating friends of friends, it'll just spread gossip around because you broke off with someone because of their intellect or lack thereof.
Lucky_One Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Good suggestion - try lectures. Or classes. Or discussion groups. Or astronomy clubs.
Author Vertex Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I should probably add -- I just graduated college a while back. 23 years old right now. I moved to a new location and basically don't know too many people. My main issue right now is finding the best places to meet the kind of people I want, since I honestly have no real idea. When I browse things like meetup.com, all the local meetups seem to be composed of much older people than I am (late 20's, early 30's, some in their 40's, etc, and many in relationships). I'm just feeling like I'm a bit stuck.
Author Vertex Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I am 23 (just turned, in fact) -- anywhere in early 20's is probably appropriate for me (20-25).
Lucky_One Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Nothing wrong with dating women in their late 20's. You are closing off a good way to meet PEOPLE (new place, not many friends) simply because of a perceived notion of ages. When you find a group of like-minded people, then you will find out where all the uber-smarties hang out. Go with an open mind, make new friends, stay positive and focused on enhancing your life in all aspects rather than just finding a GF.
Author Vertex Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Nothing wrong with dating women in their late 20's. You are closing off a good way to meet PEOPLE (new place, not many friends) simply because of a perceived notion of ages. When you find a group of like-minded people, then you will find out where all the uber-smarties hang out. Go with an open mind, make new friends, stay positive and focused on enhancing your life in all aspects rather than just finding a GF. Thank you -- and I fully understand that, but the problem is finding the like-minded people, even if I were to expand to the 20's in general.
dreamergrl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Thank you -- and I fully understand that, but the problem is finding the like-minded people, even if I were to expand to the 20's in general. Then don't close off a way to meet people just because of their age. If you understand this concept - why are you rejecting the advice? You wont know until you try it, and you have to give it enough time to know if it works or not. I get the impression that there's just no way that's good enough for you. I think it's easier for you to reject new ideas and complain about being alone instead of putting yourself out there.
eiithan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I think you can try either 1) online dating for a chance to check out a minority group of serious academic profiles. There are women like you who suffer from the same. or 2) go back to the academia. There are public conferences/lectures/seminars you can go without being a registered student. Or some art talks/lectures at museums. It's hard to meet people once you are out of college. I feel your pain. It's one of the reasons I decided to go back to school. Everyone reads theories of some sort in my old college town. Here in Los Angeles, well, amen to that.
Thornton Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I don't think you're being too picky - you know what you want and you're not willing to settle for less. If you're a very intelligent person then it's understandable that you would want a partner who's on the same level, someone with whom you could have an intellectual discussion. Unfortunately if you're one of the brighter people in society then others on your level are few and far between. In my entire life I could count on the fingers of one hand the people with whom I truly connected and could have a decent intellectual conversation - I usually end up meeting people online and having philosophical discussions with people who are thousands of miles away, because it's much easier to find like-minded people online than it is to find such people in a bar down the street. That's how I met my bf, who is very intelligent - we started off as chat buddies online and progressed to an LDR, and so on. In this case I think that internet dating is your friend, and perhaps (as others have recommended) you could join some clubs which are likely to attract members with more academic interests. You may however have to resign yourself to having a limited amount of options for dating because you're probably aiming at a very small percentage of the population, i.e. young single women with high intelligence.
BobSacamento Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 MENSA has mixers all the time. Hell every woman that goes to meetings is probably single.
monkey00 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 While it's understandable you have high standards and seek the same intelligence in a mate, can you narrow down specifically what you really want or think you want? How should their personalities be? How are their looks? What kind of lifestyle do they lead? How are they intelligent? While it's easy to look at intelligence in simple terms of black and white. There is much more to intelligence than meets the eye. E.g. you may have an interest in the sciences or like to debate about politics. While someone else could be intelligent in that they are knowledgeable about Art History and writing. On the other hand someone you meet, you may not find that smart at all...but have a plethora of knowledge about bands and artists ranging from the 80's to now - that's also a different form of intelligence. I'll have to go with some of the other posters here. Since you're young, this is the ripe time to be dating around and meeting women that you're compatible with or not. Maybe at the end of the day intelligence itself just doesn't do it for you?
arcsigner Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 You guys are assuming things like mensa means socail/other intelligence. I can name quite a few people i know who can rattle off astrohpics and maths equations but thier world opnions and general intelligence is quite low. Studious and Intelligence arn't the same thing. There are different types of intelligence, and although acedemic intelligence usually goes hand in hand with overall intelligence there is still large percentage of what i would call "stupid" intelligent people. But yeah i guess joining groups that attarct intelligent people will help, but generally expanding your socail circle would work well as well, just trying to meet new people and maybe you'll meet someone who's intelligent. But I am in a similar position to the OP i find most girls don't really satisfy me on an intelectual level, more more from an opinion and socail side rather than pure acedemic.
fawn Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 There is not one person who is perfect. Pick what you want and then make sure there are qualities like trust and the rest will fall into place. Remember its 2 people who make it work not just 1.
Author Vertex Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 While it's understandable you have high standards and seek the same intelligence in a mate, can you narrow down specifically what you really want or think you want? How should their personalities be? How are their looks? What kind of lifestyle do they lead? How are they intelligent? While it's easy to look at intelligence in simple terms of black and white. There is much more to intelligence than meets the eye. E.g. you may have an interest in the sciences or like to debate about politics. While someone else could be intelligent in that they are knowledgeable about Art History and writing. On the other hand someone you meet, you may not find that smart at all...but have a plethora of knowledge about bands and artists ranging from the 80's to now - that's also a different form of intelligence. I'll have to go with some of the other posters here. Since you're young, this is the ripe time to be dating around and meeting women that you're compatible with or not. Maybe at the end of the day intelligence itself just doesn't do it for you? I would say it's not intelligence in terms of subject matter, but moreso one's ability to communicate/learn/converse/interact/joke etc. I am not quite sure how to define it. All I know is that it's frustrating to try to connect with someone only to find that you misunderstand one another/have different senses of humor (I enjoy witty comebacks and sparring )/aren't really on the same wavelength, and so on. I guess "very attentive, creative, thoughful, witty, and observant" would be a good way to summarize what I am after. Obviously I would be lying if I said looks didn't matter too, but they're not everything. A woman's mind is most important to me.
eiithan Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I think OP is looking for intellectual intimacy. It is hard to come by, but OP, you will probably know when you meet the right person because you can just be yourself, being able to talk about whatever that flows through your mind without worrying about being seen intimidating or arrogant, and she will unfailingly understand you whether be it an idea or a reference. However at your age it may be difficult to find someone who has both the intellectual mind AND the maturity to handle obstacles in a relationship that require open communication and mutual respect. You need both to make it work and I believe that is what some of the posters are trying to tell you. The brightest people also produce a fair number of jerks, flakes, and the irresponsibles :-)
Author Vertex Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I think OP is looking for intellectual intimacy. It is hard to come by, but OP, you will probably know when you meet the right person because you can just be yourself, being able to talk about whatever that flows through your mind without worrying about being seen intimidating or arrogant, and she will unfailingly understand you whether be it an idea or a reference. However at your age it may be difficult to find someone who has both the intellectual mind AND the maturity to handle obstacles in a relationship that require open communication and mutual respect. You need both to make it work and I believe that is what some of the posters are trying to tell you. The brightest people also produce a fair number of jerks, flakes, and the irresponsibles :-) Yes, intellectual intimacy -- and I agree that it seems quite hard to come by. Even though a relationship involves two people "making it work," it still seems difficult when it's clear a given woman just isn't who I'm looking for. I've dated one girl before in the past who I felt intellectually compatible with -- however, admittedly, it all ended due to (in my opinion) inexperience with relationships, age, random lifestyle incompatibilities, and life circumstances... but the crucial component was there from the start, and things went very well for a long time otherwise. I had a good time. Not saying the brightest people will be perfect, but nobody is -- I still find intellectual intimacy to be so important. Otherwise connecting is just that much harder.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I don't think you sound too picky. And while I think enjoying a woman's intelligence is a great thing, I myself greatly enjoy an intelligent man, sometimes we have a narrow ideal about what a certain trait is to fit someone into. Keep looking for that intelligent woman that turns you on intellectually, there is nothing wrong with that. But in the mean time, I would suggest really looking at a woman on different terms then you ever did before. You might find more intelligence, on different levels, then even the kind of intelligence you posses. I dated a man that was very intellectually bright. And I know he didn't find me as intelligent as him in certain subjects. And realisitcally, I wasn't. But I was infinitly more intelligent then him on other subjects that he deemed personally less important that aren't not important at all. And that made him the fool, not me. So I don't think you should force yourself to be with someone you don't consider intelligent. But while you are dating and exploring, maybe openning your eyes to look at the different ways others can be intelligent might make you see things differently. I just know from my own experience, that I could have teached that guy more then he ever would have learned from a book and not to sound egotistical, but his relationships with women, whether we stayed together or not, would have been better for it.
stace79 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I don't think you're asking for too much at all. A few ideas: 1. Is there an alumni association for your college in this new place? I am part of an alumni group in my city, and that is how I meet tons of acquaintances and get ideas for new outings like wine tastings, social happy hours, tailgating parties, etc. 2. When you reject these women for potential mates, are you being kind about it? If you are rude or arrogant about it, that has a way of getting around amongst women. 3. Have you tried expressing that you are new to the area and would really like to make new friends? If you look at new women you meet as potential friends to widen your social circle, and they know and accept that up front, you can get to know them without the pressure of dating. That way if they aren't what you're looking for, or vice versa, you may still have a new friend. 4. Find the local colleges or theaters in your area. They often have lectures or appearances by authors, artists, etc. that may attract more of the type of girl you're seeking. Lastly, is intelligence and well-formed opinions the only huge gap between what you're looking for and what you're getting? Or are you also ridiculously picky about many other things? If you are looking for a rocket scientist who is also a supermodel, you may be reaching. But if the big thing you want is what you mentioned, I don't think you're asking for too much.
sunshinegirl Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I am the most overcritical hardass I think I've ever met, and it's driving me insane. I wish I could relax and not be so damn nitpicky, but my mind is so hard-locked into what I want out of a relationship. I absolutely MUST have an intelligent woman who is also very honest and forthcoming. With every girl I meet, I end up losing interest in because I somehow find that they aren't on the same level. It feels incredibly arrogant and elitist to feel this way, but I seem to have a hard time finding anyone with whom I can verbally spar/connect with. A woman who isn't very bright is just so boring to me and isn't very stimulating in the least, and it also affects how I view them physically. A hot girl who is otherwise dim may as well be a plank of wood :/ The problem is that I know, certainly, that there are plenty of intelligent girls out there... however, the underlying issue is that I feel as if I am not meeting any of them. I don't know if it's just bad luck or if my expectations are too high. I'm not expecting a woman to be able to spit out something absurd like a mathematical proof or anything, but I want someone who has clearly given a lot of thought to various things in the world -- who understands why they have the opinions they do. Someone who HAS opinions that are self-formed -- who can think critically for themselves. Someone with a level head, good common sense, great communication skills, ability to be empathetic, learns quickly, likes to learn/try new things, etc. Am I asking too much, here? I feel a bit hopeless. Don't give up, Vertex! After all, you've pretty much described me and I'm a real person. Others have given you some good ideas about where to meet like-minded women. Are you in a locale with a lot of universities? That can help. Hell, move to Boston; there are more than 50 colleges/universities in the area.
GorillaTheater Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Vertex, you're in Austin. You've got UT with what? Nearly 50,000 students and innumerable grad programs? A healthy arts/intellectual scene? You could hardly ask to be in a better locale than the one you're in. So, it would appear that you simply need to "plug in".
Recommended Posts