GF left me for my best friend. (Grab a cushion, its a bit long)

[Chrome]

Hi All . I'm new here.

Been reading this board for about a day and it seems like a great place to get much needed support and advice from.

 

Heres my story: Its gonna be pretty long but I really badly need to get this off my chest and hopefully you'll read it and offer me your opinions...

 

 

My Ex and I were together just about a year. Things were pretty good between us, not perfect by far, but pretty good. we had fun, enjoyed each others company, i got on great with her son, sex was good for both of us. The only problems as far as i could see was she could be pretty thoughtless and we'd bicker about things. Never had any big stand up arguments really, just silly bickering. Nothing that normal couples dont do. I think in retrospect, I tried a bit too hard to please her and backed down a few too many times to avoid any more bickering (and yes, I AM in the process of reading 'No more Mr Nice Guy )

 

A month ago she left me saying "We're just not making each other happy" and that she still had feelings for her ex who had dumped her and broken her heart twice.

 

I kind of knew this was the case, but also knew he'd treated her very very badly and although I got paranoid on the few occasions he came out with us and our circle of friends she always insisted that although she did have feelings, they were unwanted on her part and knew nothing would ever come of it and didn't want to go back to him because of how he's treated her in the past.

 

About 2 years before we hooked up she had been going out with this guy. He was (at the time) my closest friend. He always had been a bit of a a-hole when it came to the women in his life and Twice he dumped my ex because he found her "Boring" - "Hated" her son - thought she had "No personality" and admitted to all our circle of friends he'd only been with her for the sex and because she's pretty well off and he wanted out of his dads place where he'd been living since being kicked out by an ex.

 

Well. He's recently been dumped by his GF, because in a year together he never took any notice of her even though they lived together and in fact admitted he wasn't really into her and had just got with her so he could afford to rent a house if he lived with her. My Ex thought that now he was single again maybe this time he would give her a proper chance. So four days after breaking up with me called him and asked if she could come and see him.

 

He went round and saw all our friends telling them that she'd asked to see him and that he knew we'd broken up and that he felt she was probably going to try and get back with him. They all knew I was really in love with her and asked him what he would say if that was what she wanted. He told them "Been here, done that twice, didn't work out, didn't like her that much. Not interested at all"

 

My friends were pleased about his because they knew I was pretty cut up about us breaking up. I'd also told him that If he did decide to go back out with her, I knew i couldnt stop him but wouldnt be able to be friends anymore because it would just hurt too much to see her with him. especially as I knew he would be just using her.

 

Well. You guessed it. He did a complete U-turn the night she went to see him and they are now 'Together'

 

Coincidently, since his ex dumped him he cant afford his house on his own and badly needs someone to help pay the rent. This guy's a real piece of work.

 

Well. The week after she gets back with him she starts texting me saying "I hope we can be friends, you mean a lot to me and youre a very important person in my life" - Goes on to tell me how I was always here for her and encouraged and supported her, how I was great with her son and how theres a very deep connection between the two of us. How shes sorry for what shes done and the way she went about it but she just 'has to get his out of her system once and for all'

 

Now I realised at the end of our relationship that although we had many good things going for us, that she'd never been 100% into it simply because despite seeing another guy between my (ex best) friend and myself, she'd never really got over him because he dumped her, whereas in the past she's always been the one to do the dumping, and being a little spolit, she likes to get what she wants. SO i knew that if there was ever any hope of a reconciliation she HAD to get him out of her system. she needs to do this for herself so she can realize finally what lowlife trash this guy is and move on. Even if its never on the cards for us. she needs to get it over and done with for her.

 

No-one who knows the pair of them give this third stab at heartbreak any chance at all. Everyone knows it'll be over in a couple of months and he'll be just fine and she'll be heartbroken again.

 

Thing thats really giving me the problems is that, while im trying very hard to go No Contact, I have spoken to her on a couple of occasions. I still love her believe it or not, even though i feel ive been betrayed by the two people closest to me. I feel there was something special there that was never really allowed a proper chance to grow and blossom because of her obsession with this guy dumping her and her inability to move on from him. It didnt help that he and his then girlfriend moved in right around the corner from her just after Xmas this year meaning she'd see him or be reminded of him every time she drove past his house, which she had to do at least twice every day.

 

So my problem is, despite everything she's put me through, I still love her. Recently shes been texting or caling saying she wants to be friends still very badly and wants me in her life. Ive made it clear that I dont want to hang out with her while she's with him and that I want more than friendship and know that this is wrong for her and that one day, once the dust has settled on all this, if she realizes she made a big mistake and is truly over this guy, I would like for us to give it another chance, but that Its got to be what she really wants, not just a rebound thing or a pieces picking up exercise.

 

Trouble is this weekend she says she wants to come and see me to return a guitar i left there as security for some money she'd lent me until i can pay it back. she says wants me to have it back because she can wait for he money but is more concerned about our friendship and not wanting to lose me. However, although i love her and miss her like crazy, Mostly I think very angry thoughts about what shes put me through over the last month and the thought of seeing her actually makes me feel sick. Ive spoken to her about 3 times since we broke up and havent seen her at all. i initially agreed to meet her his week but I cant go through with it because im afraid i'll be back where i started. I mostly have about one or two black days a week thinking about her. but since we talked on saturday ive been in a real state.

 

So what should I do? If anyone's still awake and not in a coma after reading this. Any thoughts or opinions would be greatly welcomed.

 

And im so sorry this is so long. just needed to get it all out.

[Chrome]

Guess, What im wondering is -

 

Do I meet her? - We haven't seen each other in a month. Longest time ive gone without seeing her in a year and its SOO difficult. Even after all the heartache she put me through, saying she didn't leave me because she wanted to go back to him and then doing just that after 4 days, I still love her and miss her like mad. I want to see her so badly, bt as I said, I get this awful twisted feeling in my stomach thinking about seeing her. It makes me feel sick. Im scared that If i DO see her I'll undo what good I have done by keeping away from her all this month.

 

 

 

Ive tried to have NC (She doesnt want that but says she would understand if I never wanted to hear from her again) but what i guess we really have is LC. After the first week I stopped initiating contact with her. I respond to her contacts if theres something to respond to, often there isn't much to say in reply. Its usually her pressing me to be friends. Sometimes its a text about something else but always within the first couple of lines there will be a mention of do I want to be her friend or not?

 

So, assuming I dont see her... Because at the moment I really think I'm not ready to meet up with her, certainly dont know what to say. i mean im hardly likely to talk to her about their relationship, ever.

 

Do i keep the limited contact or go in for the full deal, TOTALLY no contact.?

 

Well, at the moment weve had a few emails or texts flipping between us, And I dont want her to think I'm a jerk or that I'm no longer interested... i mean at the moment I'm smart enough to know I'm not ready for another relationship (or dating )so soon after her, but i don't want to cut her out of my life completely really, but it seems theres no other real choice. I don't want to eliminate her completely and pretend she never exsted. But I dont want this emptiness and heartbreak a second time around from her again either.

 

Deep inside it feels like total no contact of any kind is the answer. Last couple of weeks ive been telling her "I dont want to hear from you again for a week, except in the case of an emergency" and sure eniugh she gives it 7 days and then she's back. But i cant keep saying "Another week with no contact blah blah blah" - I want to come out of all, this no matter what happens, with some dignity intact.

 

Missing her so much it hurts but dont want her to see this (unhappy ) side of me . Want her (and others really ) to see the best of me now, not the worst. Im pretty strong and Im fairly confident that i could pull off the "Not too bothered" approach, but its the hurt inside that im afraid of.

[hoping2heal]

Okay, firstly she dumped you for a guy she didn't have a very deep connection with (as evidenced by his profession of hating her son, using her like he does other women, and thinking she's "boring" etc.) So, you know right there this must be based on something silly for her like looks etc. because there is obviously no real intimacy between them. So, take that into account and realise she chose that, that little measley thing over a relationship with you. It says an awful lot about her and I don't know how you could even trust someone with that poor of judgement should you two reconcile anyway, not to mention she was carrying to the torch for this bozo all along, so I don't see why the story should turn around her for at any point.

 

I think if anything you should sit down and assess why you are attracted to her to begin with, I'm not saying she must not have ANY redeeming qualities, but she tossed your relationship aside for someone she has little to no intimacy with..again that tells you she has very poor judgement (which does and WILL leak into other poor decision making skills) and she seems pretty wishy washy (another big problem if you want stability.) I don't know but you seem to have this girl up on a high horse that she isn't really deserving of.

 

She dumps you, replaces you, trades you out for a piece of dirt. That means a piece of dirt is what is more valuable to her than you, and here you are talking her up like she's the queen of english.

[Chrome]

Thanks for your reply Hoping2Heal. You're absolutely right of course. Whether it's a looks thing or no for her I don't know. I personally think its mainly down to the fact that he dumped her both times. Since the father of her child dumped her, she's always been the one to do the dumping from what I can tell and when my ex friend dumped her i think that also sparked off her other pet hate - Not getting what she wants.

 

Its interesting you used the term 'Wishy-washy'. When I first started the whole limited contact thing I told her originally that I wanted one week where she didnt contact me at all. Told her that as usual, i didnt think she'd thought the 'friends' thing through much past "This is what I want" and she hadnt given any consideration to my thoughts whatsoever or how badly she'd hurt me.

So the week comes and goes and at the end of it i get this text that says "I have spent the week thinking hard about this and have a horrible feeling you've spent his week thinking too and have decided you no longer want anything to do with me. before you say anything, You were right I have treated you terribly and have acted with no thought for your feelings at all and i owe you a huge apology. I'm really really sorry and hope you will be able to forgive me"

 

Well, I never responded to it because the first two thoughts to enter my head after reading that were "It took you a week to realize THAT?" and "Incredibly Wishy washy" - it was pathetic. And the first line gives away her real concerns too. I basically translated it to mean "Ive given it five minutes thought and have a horrible feeling I'm not gonna get what I want. better apologize. Sorry for being a b***h."

 

She does have good qualities, but as I'm starting to see, (and writing this down seems to help me see more clearly) Those wishy washy tendencies and very poor judgement skills kind of outweigh those good things. I have no idea why I do like her so much looking at it now, other than maybe its because I dont want to look back on the mostly happy year we spent together and think it was all a sham. Ive ofte thought to myself over the past few weeks. Maybe those two deserve each other and all the heartbreak they get. A friend has offered to go get my guitar back from her for me. I'd originally dismissed this idea as a bit of a cop-out on my part, but I really dont think I want to see her yet and am seriously beginning to see that No Contact is the only real way to go if i want to get her out of my head.

 

She doesnt deserve me if she would throw away something good for someone which she's even confessed to me since she left me isnt as good as me. she told me outright she knows im better but she cant help how she feels. Well, That just shows a huge degree of shallowness and poor judgement and low self esteem. That guys only interested in himself and theres no substance with him. I think she wants to keep me around for the substance lacking in her stupid crush. We both know about so many inexcusable things he's done that I cant understand why she would have ever wanted to go back to him, yet she did.

 

i know in my heart shes not worth the heartache. Maybe its the company I miss and not the person deep down. I dont know. But I do know Ive got to try and stop thinking about her even if i cant force myself to stop caring just yet.

[seibert253]

Chrome, you deserve better. To me she sounds very immature, shallow, and selfish. You can do better.

 

You love her, and will continue to love her until two things happen:

 

1. Go NC, she fell off the face of the earth

2. Time, time, and a little more time.

 

Given time and distance, you will eventually realize how she truly is. You've already admitted her bad's outweigh her good's. Is this someone you want to devote your time and love too?

 

You can and will do much better.

[hoping2heal]

Hey Chrome,

 

it sounds like with a little time you have started to see things more clearly (good!) That's right, a person who is wishy washy and has extremely poor judgement skills ends up turning into a big deal breaker, because they are unreliable and unstable by nature with the wishy washyness and you don't know if they will be here today or gone tomorrow (you know, kind of like exactly what she did!), and the poor judgement part ..aye.yai.yai.yai..you could end up with financial problems or god KNOWS what.

 

I can understand you don't want to feel like the entire year was a sham, but you know what? It wasn't. You gave your best, and SHE devalued that. That was HER doing, you did nothing of the sort. I didn't even realise you were together a whole year; so you spend a year with the girl and she dumps you for a first class prick? Pfft. See what I mean? Wishy-washy and poor judgement are HUGE detriments in relationships.

[Chrome]

Seibert, Thanks for your reply. I am already starting to see how she truly is. I can see areas within our relationship where I did things wrong and that probably harmed it, that i would do differently, but I also see that doing them differently would probably have had no effect on the eventual outcome. She had stuff going on in her head that wasnt going to go away no matter what I'd have done. You can be the best damn boyfriend that there ever was, but if someone is pining for something else and doesnt want to see what great potentials are staring them in the face, then they're not going to see it because they dont want to. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

 

No contact is going to be hard, But i do realize and believe that the bads with her outweigh the goods as far as being in a relationship with her goes. Maybe one day she'll see the value of what she gave up and what trash she traded it in for. But by that time shes gonna be in a whole big mess of hurt that she made herself. Doesn't make any sense for me to be around to make it all better for her. If I keep her around thats whats going to happen So NC is the only way to get over her and avoid being the guy that picks up he pieces for her. She's too much of a Magpie. Sees something she views as a shiny thing and off she flies.

 

We're both 38. She has a trail of broken relationships behind her and a huge well of regret and guilt. I know that for a fact. If she doesnt change soon she'll end up a very sad lonely woman. But that will be her problem. Not mine. I dont want to waste my time and love on someone who doesn't value what she has. She was very special and very important to me because theres a lot of good in her. But Its buried under selfishness and thoughtlessness when it comes to getting what she wants. i didn't want to quit on her and so i stuck it out, But I wasnt appreciated so theres no point in gong back for further kickings. NC is really the only answer.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Hopingtoheal. Its those poor judgement skills that really make all the difference really isnt it? Good Judgement skills would have told her that yeah, maybe things arent perfect, but there was so much potential and all it would have taken was a bit more thought and appreciation on her side to what she had and what she could have had if she made a little more effort and had a bit more self respect than to pine for an A$$ who broke her heart twice before.

 

Also, Thankyou so much for what you said about the past year not being a sham. It really helped. Thats been a major problem for me: no-one wants to believe that their whole relationship was a sham because It makes a mockery of all the time and effort and love and attention that you put into something. Youre right. It wasnt all a wasted effort because I gave it all i could to make the best thing possible given the canvas i had to work with, and it was her that wouldnt see the potential and resisted opening her eyes to what great things were there just waiting to happen. She devalued it. Not me, and she's now with someone who wont bring any lasting colour into her life and who will actually leave her miserable and bitter and depressed when he's bored with her. Again. Not my problem anymore. Ive got no more to give her. She's taken enough of my time and energy and love and what she had she didn't value. time to try and get on without her. Its going to be hard but I know its what ive got to do.

[Dream Brother]

I, for one, am glad that what appears in brackets did not appear between quotation marks.

[Chrome]

I, for one, am glad that what appears in brackets did not appear between quotation marks.

 

Hahaha. Thanks for that. I thought the thread title was awful the second I posted it but couldn't change it.