I really need insight about my wife(screwed up story)

[CeeL]

I realize this is sort of incidental, but it's stuck with me through this thread:

 

Maybe it's not such a good idea to have a handgun in your house if you find yourself playing with it when you're drunk and angry. A man's gotta know his limitations, as Dirty Harry said. And if you can reach in a closet and cock it -- your kids probably can too, sooner or later.

 

Anyway -- on the main issue, I can see you two patching this up and getting past it, if you're serious about it. Good luck.

[road]

"Even right after said event, she took off, what did I do?"

 

More important where did your WW go?

 

Dollars to doughnuts she went to finish things with the OM.

 

Webex, you only have one person to be mad at. It's not your WW. You gave her your blessing to bang the OM.

 

It's not the OM, you gave him your permission to bang your WW.

 

Whom is left?

 

Webex, that's who.

 

This event can never be undone. Nothing can be done to make things even.

 

The only thing that can be done is to let time fade the pain.

[WebEx]

Yea I share blame in allowing this to happen. Its not exactly what I agreed to, its what I didn't agree to that everyone acknowledged my wishes then immediately ignored me. Here is the thing, when your in a 100% monogamous relationship, and both parties have a tendency to be a bit jealous and insecure, and one of the parties says "ok we can try just one little thing and see how it goes" and then the other party in the relationship without any pause just simply goes way beyond what you were comfortable with, and does everything that if I did would hurt them 5x worse than me..

 

I knew what I could handle and couldn't and perhaps it was an impossible scenario, but if it seemed impossible, people should have discussed it further instead of jumping right to it.. Its just maddening in general for your signifigant other, an extremely signifigant other to let some physical attraction destroy you without second thought, then not be truly sorry till weeks later.

[Space Ritual]

Web Ex

 

I have a question for you(just a hypothetical one of course).

 

Do you think in any way that maybe had you or your wife picked a relative stranger to do this with(as opposed to a friend) that perhaps the scenario would not have played out like it did?

 

I am not judging either way. I just wanted to float that out there. what I meant by a relative stranger is that some one that was not such a perceived "good friend" as this guy. Maybe someone who would have been more apt to follow your rules perhaps?

[Bryanp]

Web Ex,

 

I think you made an excellent point. Regardless of the morality of this, your wife made an agreement with you to go just a little step after talking you into this. Instead she immediately sexally abandons herself totally with this guy in front of you. She seems very calculating and clealy wanted to screw this guy very badly and did not care for your feelings whatsoever. For the life of me I do not understand why you wish to remain with her. You deserve so much better my friend.

[WebEx]

Space,

 

Yea a stranger would have perhaps been a completely different scenario. Anyone else would have been a different scenario. Even if I was intoxicated, and agreed to what I did, and everything played out with nothing going beyond what I agreed, who knows what could have happened? When I think back on things, I'm not really bent out of shape over what happened when I was involved, and that was within my comfort level, its only everything else. The biggest thing someone who was ignorant like my self should think about before heading into situations like this, is that you can't really have a threesome with someone you love and someone you don't love, or your not attracted to. If I and my friend were bi-sexuals perhaps then it could have been a 3some.

 

Otherwise this scenario would only really work out if no one involved was emotionally or mariatally attached to someone.

 

BryanP,

 

I'm just trying to give this whole thing time, so I dont make a stupid mistake. The odd thing about this whole thing, is I picture her not being very emotionally stable if I were to leave her life. When I was 17 I was going to leave back to my home state and she got very depressed. And the times we have tried to split up she didn't take it very well. What I don't want is my childrens mom to be taking care of them and being emotionally unstable. If I were to be the one taking care of them because of her emotional instability, then her not having her kids would make it worse on her.

 

I left details out of this whole thing to try and get unbiased opinions. After the event took place, she burned other bridges and pushed things past the point of no return, and now she says she regrets it all and wants me to feel better.. Time will tell.

[Slappy]

Why do I get the impression that she and your friend have been having an EMA behind your back for a while now?

 

 

That was my feeling when i was reading this....

[Spectre]

Wow, just..wow. This thread just reminds me that people these days just don't have morals. I'm sorry WebEx, but your wife is a whore. You can sit here and deny that all you want, but that doesn't change the truth. I don't mean to be harsh with you, but this is the reality of the situation. I honestly think someone needs to be really harsh with you, before you do something stupid, like spend the rest of your life with this chick.

 

Let me just point out a couple of things here, just to refresh your memory on exactly what happened: Your wife got full of herself after she got into shape and basically began wanting to bang other dudes. She thought she'd be clever and instead of just flat out cheating, came up with this horrible 3some idea. You then clearly voiced the fact that you were not into that idea.

 

So what does she do? When your best friend comes to visit she flirts with him and immediately wants to screw him. You, for some reason I will never comprehend, actually agree to this. You lay out guidelines to which she COMPLETELY ignores..right in front of you. She even doesn't make the guy use a friggin condom. Then when you get upset she has the gall to at first get upset with you before realizing "wait a minute, I'm a crazy whore" and coming back to you.

 

I just want to re-iterate, *that* is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? That is the woman you plan to kiss again, sleep with again? Don't convince yourself of BS like oh she had a traumatic past, oh we were drinking, etc. There was no excuse for this, and the bottom line is this woman does not love you. Again, bottom line if she truly loved you she would not want to be having sex with another man, period. She sure as hell wouldn't do what she did to you. Also this whole "it made your relationship stronger" is crap and you know it. What does it say about your relationship that your wife had to suck off and bang another dude in front of you for it to get stronger?

 

 

Yea a stranger would have perhaps been a completely different scenario. Anyone else would have been a different scenario.

 

Really why? It doesn't change the fact your wife wanted to sleep with someone other than you. The end result is the same: your wife just plain not respecting you and certainly not truly loving you.

 

 

Even if I was intoxicated, and agreed to what I did, and everything played out with nothing going beyond what I agreed, who knows what could have happened? When I think back on things, I'm not really bent out of shape over what happened when I was involved, and that was within my comfort level, its only everything else.

 

Here is where you are fooling yourself. You aren't bent out of shape that your wife wants to bang other dudes? I find that hard to believe. Even a guy who isn't in love with his wife wouldn't be ok with that.

 

The biggest thing someone who was ignorant like my self should think about before heading into situations like this, is that you can't really have a threesome with someone you love and someone you don't love, or your not attracted to. If I and my friend were bi-sexuals perhaps then it could have been a 3some.

 

No, the biggest thing you should be thinking about is "Why does my wife who claims to love me want to bang another dude?".

 

 

I'm just trying to give this whole thing time, so I dont make a stupid mistake.

 

You already made the stupid mistake, in that you didn't immediately divorce this woman the second she began talking about wanting to bang other dudes. You surely made a mistake after this specific incident happened and you didn't dump her ass.

 

 

The odd thing about this whole thing, is I picture her not being very emotionally stable if I were to leave her life.

 

Ok dude this is the chick who willing told you she wanted to sleep with your friend, said she wouldn't do oral and he'd use a condom..then proceeded to do oral and not force him to use a condom RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. In other words? She isn't stable even with you in her life, that much is clear.

 

Also, don't use this as an excuse not to dump her.

 

 

When I was 17 I was going to leave back to my home state and she got very depressed. And the times we have tried to split up she didn't take it very well.

 

She certainly had no problem banging your friend in front of you though.

 

 

What I don't want is my childrens mom to be taking care of them and being emotionally unstable.

 

She is already emotionally unstable! Look at how she treats her damn husband. Christ almighty, no offense but damn, don't use the kids as an excuse.

 

If I were to be the one taking care of them because of her emotional instability, then her not having her kids would make it worse on her.

 

Really, who gives a sh*t if something is worse on her? She is the one that started this whole mess. This chick *is* emotionally unstable with or without you. If you truly care about your kids that much you will stop ignoring that fact.

 

I left details out of this whole thing to try and get unbiased opinions. After the event took place, she burned other bridges and pushed things past the point of no return, and now she says she regrets it all and wants me to feel better.. Time will tell.

 

Just wtf, seriously, wtf. So after the events talked about in this post she did even *more* stuff to you. Considering you allowed this woman to bang your friend I can only imagine what she did to push things past the point of no return.

 

But oh..she said she regrets it and wants you to feel better. Isn't that sweet? She probably cries a lot too huh? Yeah, I bet she does.

 

Do not sit here and tell me you're gonna let all this go. Do not tell me "time will tell", time has already told you what this chick truly is about. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness, and she certainly does not deserve for you to stay with her.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is get her out of your life, anything less than that and you are fooling yourself.

 

Right now she is the pathetic one, if you stay with her? Sadly, you take her place. Think about this, put the anger aside, and just think about what a marriage at it's core is: two people who are truly in love with each other, who respect each other. She clearly does not do either of those things. Everyone can see it except you. I'm not a religious guy, hell some might call me an Atheist, but I am going to pray to God that you open your eyes and leave this woman, and leave behind this absolute train wreck of a marriage.

Edited January 6, 2010 by Spectre

[lostsunsets]

Why don't you give us the whole story.

[saibot]

Ask your self one important ques.Do you love her? I think that you are a cool dude, thats a hard thing to let go of, and when you specifically asked her not to do things, it is very hard not to feel disrespected and think that she does not care about you. First you said that you were drinking! How much, Buzzed or drunk? second When you are in the heat of the moment its hard to control your every action, people become animalistic and loose themselves for a moment when sex is hot. First time threesomes are hot!!!!!!! And its different when it comes to men and women. we(men) for 80% of the time are in control of a sexual encounter. So back to the ques do you love her? You could feel like she did it on purpose and be mad or you could try again!!! With another women!!!!!!!! Maybe if your girl's gives you up to another women it might show her what you were giving up in the first place!!!!!!! Thus Respect and maybe a future swinging couple. Whatever you do Take the love for one another first. Have Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUOTE=WebEx;2395915]I was really glad to find this site, and I really need to hear from some other people badly to put things into perspective for me.

 

I have been married to my wife for 3 years, we've actually been together for 9 years since we were teenagers. We always had such an amazing unique thing. After getting married and having a couple of kids, I took a job offer in a bigger city and we moved. This caused lots of problems, while we were enjoying a house and job that was quite well for our age, we had no friend or family except for 2 hours away. My wife started behaving strangely, just doing stuff out of character.

 

When she quit breastfeeding, she worked hard to get in shape, and diet, and get hair and nails done, which was fine, but I noticed she was kind of getting a kick out of getting attention from other men. Then she dropped a bombshell on me, that she wanted to experiment around while we were young, and possibly do some threesomes with each of the opposite sex. This floored me because for years she was so insecure about me and other women, I could barely talk to them without her getting angry. I was a bit of the jealous type too. This really upset me, and she prodded at me with it like she would not be happy unless she could try somethings like that and be carefree for once. She seen how upset I was at this idea and said it wasn't really a good idea, she thought it might be a solution to whatever she was feeling..

 

A few months later a buddy of mine was going to come over and drink that I havent seen in forever. When he arrived and we started drinking mixed drinks, I noticed my wife being a bit flirty and making comments.. I was a bit buzzed but I could tell what was on her mind.. This was a pretty good friend of mine. I pulled my wife aside and talked to her, and tried to get her to tell me what was on her mind, and she basically said "If I tell you, you will get mad" and for whatever reason I eased her worries and said "I already know" Where I went from here was a horrible idea... I thought that if I allowed something to go on, just once, it would fix her since we had been together so young and so long. I told her we could try having a threesome with my friend, but the only way I would be comfortable with it, is if there was no kissing, no oral sex and condom at all times.. And if I made this sacrafice then she might as well set the same thing up for me to try. This was something that was just not us, and for a moment I guess I lost site of that..

 

With that said we went back and joined my friend, I brought up the idea and ofcourse he eagerly agreed.. I really thought I knew this guy, but I was wrong. The first thing that happened is she walked up to him and started making out with him.. that upset me but I tried to blow it off. We went into the bedroom and my friend kept argueing about wearing a condom.. He finally put one on, but I then noticed he had slipped it off when I wasn't looking when she started giving him oral sex. She even told me he had a condom on when he didnt at one point. After all three of my guidelines were broken, I flipped out majorly. I got dressed and stormed out and they both came out and said it maybe wasnt a good idea.

 

For whatever reason we all decided that this had the potential to be a screwed up situation if we didn't finish what we started in some way. So I reiterated my 3 guidelines and how important they were to me, and how I just wanted him to join in a for a short period then go away, so it would be done with. My wife and I went back to the bedroom and reinitiated, he came in, and joined in.. Except when he came back in, everything kind of went backwards, and before I knew I was excluded and standing there watching them go at it.. My wife is asking me whats wrong periodically while she is engaged in sex with him.. I thought to my self that maybe it would hurry up and end and be over with, but my friend kept doing things and taking them too far, he was purposly distracting her and ignoring me standing there obviously upset.. At this point I was very very pissed, so I reached in the closet and cocked my hand gun, at this point everyone jumped up and scrambled. I felt like a dumbass and threw the gun back in the closet, I only meant to get his attention..

 

He took off, then a while later my wife took off to her families with the intent on divorcing me. She eventually came back but kept making a big deal about this guy until I finally left. Then whatever switched inside her flipped and she begged me to come back and everything would be different.. I came back and everything was different for the most part.. She then started freaking out and crying and going to the Dr. to get STD test after I made her feel bad about it enough.. She wants us to be monogamous, she is very worried and insecure even more than ever about me doing something with another woman since she has done that.. We seem to be getting along better, she is not acting flirty, and she doesnt even want to be friends with the guy anymore..

 

My problem is, occassionally I get very upset thinking about what happened.. I make her feel bad about it, and then in turn she gets very upset. I really can't help the way I feel sometimes.. Half the time I love her very much and want to be with her always.. The other half of the time I feel ripped off, and I feel like a fool.

 

There it is folks, I spilled my guts in hopes you can really give me some insight. Maybe others who have went through something similiar, or maybe you want to rip into me and tell me how much of a bastard I am?? I need anything at this point, and I appreciate anyone who responds. Sorry about the long post.

[Dexter Morgan]

Needless to say many wounds still feel fresh for both of us. I'm thankful for the replies from folks who have some compassion and understanding, I am also both thankful and dismayed for the replies from those people who just believe me to be a worthless ho. It is easy to assume things like that about people when you don't know them personally and only know a small part of the story.

 

Uh...the fact that you were laying the groundwork to "lay" his friend, flirting with him, and was all giddy when your H asked if you wanted to do it with him....that is pretty much all we need to know.

 

Or maybe I'm just misunderstanding and a wife that wants to bone another man and lays the groundwork to do so must be just hunky dory. maybe? I dunno.

 

 

I decided to take control of my life and change the things that made me unhappy, I worked out several times a day, went on a healthy diet, lost weight and toned up. I started getting my nails done, and tanning at a tanning salon, and these were the only few times I took time for myself, by myself, out of the house in what feels like several years.

 

Ok, you can just stop with the bunk that you did all these things for yourself and yourself only....because you obviously wanted to share your newfound body and such with a man other than your husband. You did it to gain attention from other men...admit it...own it.

 

 

I love my husband more than anyone would ever know

 

sorry, gotta smell the bulls##t and onions here. you don't love your spouse and want to pursue having sex with someone else at the same time.

 

sorry, doesn't work like that.

 

 

I am very attached to him, I am 22yrs old at this time, he has been my world for 9 years, and I have a family with him.

 

if you were attached to him, then why were you ignoring him and giving all your flirtatious, sex intentioned attention to his friend?

 

 

Yeah I made a mistake, and you know what, the hurt I have caused the man I love, is almost unbearable to me, It's right up there with the feeling you would have if you accidently killed one of your children. These days I wander if I even deserve to be with him. Really anytime I have considered divorcing him in the recent past it's been because I feel unworthy of the good life and all the security I could have with him, as well as his love.

 

sorry, I don't buy that line either. I think you wanted to divorce early on because you wanted to be carefree, with other men and otherwise.

 

 

Really I don't know what else to say. I feel like a complete wreck, and really regret the mistakes I made. Being young and stupid is really no excuse for what happened.

 

young and stupid? you are 22, you are an adult. you knew exactly what you were doing and exactly what you wanted to do and who you wanted to do.

[WebEx]

Well ya I love her or I wouldn't have posted to this board, I wouldn't even be with her right now after that..

 

And yes we both drank quite a bit of liqour, and my friend had only drank a fraction of the liqour we had drank. If the idea had never been brought up, and she had been more remorseful when sobering up it would probably be a non-issue, like oops we did something stupid. But by coming up with the idea and upsetting me like she did, then pushing the issue when my friend came over, then taking off right after it happened and acting cold, it crosses the line of infidelity.

 

I know there was no EMA, I had her PC and Phone logged before and after by the way she was acting and she only ever had casual conversations with him, nothing flirty or sexual. My friend(ex-friend) is the type of person who wasnt really into relationships anyway.

 

I just really hope a guy or gal coming into a similiar situation runs into this thread and reads it and shows their signifigant other.

 

Bottom line the toughest thing, Is there are thousands of memories associated with this guy. We worked together, he used to hang out with me at my house every weekend. We used to chat for hours sometimes.. Its just ****ing stupid.. A good friend would have been really concerned after I broke my hand and fractured my knee on the wall after the first attempt.. Instead he tried to be persuasive with us as to why it would turn out a really bad experience if we didn't try to make it a good one..

 

That night I either needed a true friend or a true wife, one pivotal moment in my life, I had neither..