Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Recently I was speaking with my ex....don't ask me why. We haven't met up but we speak occassionally via email. Sometimes the experience is helpful (helps me move on/feel better/see his faults) other times it is painful (good conversation or whatever). Either way we don't appear ready to cut all contact....YET and the experience isn't so bad that i'd consider stopping contact quite yet though this was my origional intention. During our last conversation my ex told me what he would say would probably give me false hopes and that he shouldn't say it, but that he wanted to be with me properly in the future and have the whole shebang with me. Well this made me giddily happy....but then the reality dawned on me. Why doesn't he want that now? He says if we got back together we would ruin it (as we have twice before) and it wouldn't work and all chances of us being happy together would be over. I partly understand and partly wonder if this is true or a cock and bull story to keep me pining for him. Have any of you had a similar experience? Been led along? Got back together successfully? He isn't seeing anyone and says he has no interest to, but that could be a lie, I guess i'd never really know. I'm just confused
brock9911 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 i refuse to talk to my ex for this exact reason. i dont want to think of getting back together...even though i want to. she broke up with me to teach me a "lesson" while she was the one who cheated. he may want you, but he also wants the single life. he's confused and wants to play both fields. wants the single life, but also wants to know your gonna be there when he finally decides he doesnt want to be single anymore. do yourself a favor and dont be his crutch. dont let him think u'll go back to him at anytime he desires. you, me, and everyone on here are better than that. 1
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 But thing is when he said that, I was so happy and I admitted that to him. Now I feel whether we go back together or not, i've exposed my vulnerability/weakness in my desire to be back with him too.
northstar1 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Recently I was speaking with my ex....don't ask me why. We haven't met up but we speak occassionally via email. Sometimes the experience is helpful (helps me move on/feel better/see his faults) other times it is painful (good conversation or whatever). Either way we don't appear ready to cut all contact....YET and the experience isn't so bad that i'd consider stopping contact quite yet though this was my origional intention. During our last conversation my ex told me what he would say would probably give me false hopes and that he shouldn't say it, but that he wanted to be with me properly in the future and have the whole shebang with me. Well this made me giddily happy....but then the reality dawned on me. Why doesn't he want that now? He says if we got back together we would ruin it (as we have twice before) and it wouldn't work and all chances of us being happy together would be over. I partly understand and partly wonder if this is true or a cock and bull story to keep me pining for him. Have any of you had a similar experience? Been led along? Got back together successfully? He isn't seeing anyone and says he has no interest to, but that could be a lie, I guess i'd never really know. I'm just confused What that means is he wants you on the backburner until he is ready. Does that seem respectable? Don't you deserve someone who wants you irrevocably in the present? It's like keeping a plane in a holding pattern. Eventually it's gonna run out of gas. Why would you want someone who is making you a deferred option?
Beeotch Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 My ex told me something of that nature... We broke up because he was stressed with his job and said he couldn't put in the work needed for a relationship... Come to find out he has a whole slew of other issues and the truth is...he HAS to work on himself as there really was nothing wrong with us as a couple but him. He said he could see us working out but not right now and I agree with him. This is not to say I am looking towards that day, as I am not. But it is the reality....if he doesn't work on himself, develop his own self assurance, confront his avoidance issues, communication issues, past, false self etc then no matter who he dates it will come back around to the same thing. In short: life is messy. Sometimes things don't work on the first go around. There is a time and place for everything and sometimes what we want right now, now is just NOT the time. It is possible that extranneous circumstances or personal circumstances of the time made it "not the right time" and it is possible with time, the changes and hopefully growth and perspective time brings, things can work out. THE KEY however is not to dwell on it and allow things to work out in their own time and live your life in the meanwhile. No one can guarantee what the future will bring so yes it is possible but sitting and waiting for that day is torture....
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 What that means is he wants you on the backburner until he is ready. Does that seem respectable? Don't you deserve someone who wants you irrevocably in the present? It's like keeping a plane in a holding pattern. Eventually it's gonna run out of gas. Why would you want someone who is making you a deferred option? I don't know. I guess because I love him - and love seems to excuse so much. Its almost like because its what I want, I can justify it to myself, like "ah yes, I can understand why he would need it to be in the future". Its because I did want those things, I could see him as the father of my children and he kind of fed the fantasy all the while keeping a safe distance, and I want to believe it can happen for me so I justify why he can't be with me now.... I don't know if its meant or if its a manipulation - and no I don't know why I put my potential for happiness in another person. I guess I built castles in the sky.
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Nikki, to me this is a self-respect issue. You are his "spare", girl, if things don't work out, in his life, he can pull you out of the trunk, and give you a test drive. You deserve better than this. I would tell him to put up or shut up.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Nikki, to me this is a self-respect issue. You are his "spare", girl, if things don't work out, in his life, he can pull you out of the trunk, and give you a test drive. You deserve better than this. I would tell him to put up or shut up. Wow that really cut to it and for some reason made me cry! The 'spare girl' part. That someone I would give the world for could see me as only a spare. But I mean i'll never really know I am a spare. When we were together, I don't think what that was can be fake...I really don't. I could be delusional and naive to believe him...but too skeptical and suspicious if i'm assuming his lying. If he was going around whoring about, sleeping with endless girls, I could see I am the spare. But so far as I see he is simply sorting his life out in every other way.
northstar1 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I don't know. I guess because I love him - and love seems to excuse so much. Its almost like because its what I want, I can justify it to myself, like "ah yes, I can understand why he would need it to be in the future". Its because I did want those things, I could see him as the father of my children and he kind of fed the fantasy all the while keeping a safe distance, and I want to believe it can happen for me so I justify why he can't be with me now.... I don't know if its meant or if its a manipulation - and no I don't know why I put my potential for happiness in another person. I guess I built castles in the sky. It's fair that you love him, but more importantly, LOVE yourself first and foremost and realize you deserve more. Look, you are not a dog (and I don't mean this in an offensive way), you don't need to wait for someone to walk you or feed you when they feel like it. You have total control over your own happiness and what you want in life. He can't be with you now because he doesn't want to. How long are you willing to wait?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 It's fair that you love him, but more importantly, LOVE yourself first and foremost and realize you deserve more. Look, you are not a dog (and I don't mean this in an offensive way), you don't need to wait for someone to walk you or feed you when they feel like it. You have total control over your own happiness and what you want in life. He can't be with you now because he doesn't want to. How long are you willing to wait? That's the thing. I think, quite pathetically, I would wait. I have been getting on with things and felt happy, but its like my heart is still loyal to him. I don't know to get the love for him out of me. It is stopping me from falling in love with someone new, and I suppose so long as I hold onto this hope, whether it be false or not, I will never be able to have that love feeling for someone else. God this is a hard thing to snap out of! Somehow i'll do it!
northstar1 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 That's the thing. I think, quite pathetically, I would wait. I have been getting on with things and felt happy, but its like my heart is still loyal to him. I don't know to get the love for him out of me. It is stopping me from falling in love with someone new, and I suppose so long as I hold onto this hope, whether it be false or not, I will never be able to have that love feeling for someone else. God this is a hard thing to snap out of! Somehow i'll do it! Well, here is the catch. If you do wait around for him, and his other options aren't working out (or whatever he is doing), he is going to come back with a much lower level of respect. Would you respect someone who put their life on hold indefiintely for you?
Ingenue Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 My ex said something like that to me once. In his break up email he actually told me that I was second fiddle and that he wanted to explore other relationships but perhaps we could keep the romantic spark alive. This was after dating for 5 years. He didn't want to tell me why we were breaking up because he didn't want to introduce ideas like that into our discussion because he "had this thought in the back of [his] head that we may still want to find each other one day". I can hear the violins playing as he wrote, "Somewhere deep in my heart, my love for you still feels real and strong...we might still find a way to make this relationship work down the road." You are not any man's second choice, nor should you want to be. Even if he's not sleeping around with other women, and is sorting out his life, he currently doesn't have time or a willingness to be with you. What happens will happen in the future, but until that time, as Caliguy always says, "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option".
brock9911 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 this is y you have to stop all contact all together. even if you tell him its so you can get your head on straight. when he sees your not giving him the attention, see how desperate he becomes. you need to worry about you though. you cant worry about the decisions he may or may not make. for all you know he will never turn around. or what if he does find someone new and blows you off all together. you will feel like utter sh*t. dont be the fool. be the strong one and keep your mind open to the opportunity of a new relationship with someone else. let someone cater to you for once. even if its only a temporary thing to free your mind.
norajane Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 You can't live your life on "someday" and "maybe". All you have is the present. Make the most of it. To put it in more objective terms, consider if you were just layed off and your manager said, "Perhaps in the future, we will be able to rehire you." What would you do? Sit around without any income waiting for that elusive someday and maybe never? Or start interviewing for new jobs? This is your life. Don't let his vague words control how you live your life.
jlr Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 My ex said things of this nature too. More of a, "if our love is meant to be, it will come back to us in the future," or "i don't rule it out in the future" type stuff. I held on to it, along with other things. But I realized recently that the others are right. They want us as a backup plan, in case their explorations come back empty. That's not fair to us. It's an awful way to live. If they really loved us, they'd be here NOW.
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Nikki, I do not mean to upset you. I am speaking as an ex serial cheater and womanizer. Yor Ex is playing the field, and wants to be reminded of the power he still has over you. He might come back, but could you ever trust him? What is to stop him doing this again? You need to think about yourself, and improve your own life. I would go NC on him as soon as possible. He is using you.
t0ri Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 My ex told me similar things. He broke up with me, then came back and said we could "slowly reconcile." He said we couldn't get back together officially right then, because the same problems would resurface and we'd go back to our fighting routine. He wanted to get back together "in a few months or sometime down the road." Well, needless to say I accepted being demoted from girlfriend to "girl on the backburner." I didn't see it that way, because I thought he was right - if we got back together right away, what would have changed? Nothing. So I agreed we needed some time apart. But what happened? He ended things for good... presumably when he met another girl who sparked his interest. It makes me sick to remember him saying, "I'll always love you. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now... maybe down the road." The italicized part for some reason always makes my stomach turn when I imagine when he said that. Anyway, I'm rambling... If he was in love with you, he wouldn't have walked away. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Now. Don't let him have all the control. Don't end up hurt again like I did. "Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option." Go no contact... this isn't fair to you and as much as you love him, it's not worth putting up with. Trust me! I would know.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Nikki, I do not mean to upset you. I am speaking as an ex serial cheater and womanizer. Yor Ex is playing the field, and wants to be reminded of the power he still has over you. He might come back, but could you ever trust him? What is to stop him doing this again? You need to think about yourself, and improve your own life. I would go NC on him as soon as possible. He is using you. Don't be sorry, really you didn't say anything harsh - I think it just hit home, which is a good thing. Everything you guys have written has REALLY helped so I appreciate everyones feedback. Its true - if he loved me, nothing would stop him from being with me. He clearly doesn't love me enough, if at all. Thankyou honestly to all of you
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Nikki, I really hope that things work out for you. Treat yourself good and hope for the best. Good Luck:D:D
PuertoRican Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 WOW!! This is the same situation I'm in right now!! Feel free to read if you like. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t202218/
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 He's mind effing you. No one can know what they want in the future. He's thrown you bait, don't take it. What matters is now and now, if he's not ready for commitment and wants to be free, he's welcome to it, which includes no contact, from you.
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Well, Ive been on both sides of the equation. One guy told me that maybe in a few years when he was ready to settle down it would be awesome. Im so very glad thats just never gonna happen cuz I was able to open my eyes and see he could never be what I need in a man, no matter how much he tried to change or grow up. Now, my most recent ex, I love him to pieces. He is an amazing man but he has a lot of growing up and figuring out to do. I didnt exactly say "maybe in time" but we both know thats bassically how it is. I love him very much and I know he cares for me too. We both know very well he is still dealing with a lot of pain and anger from his past as well as readjusting to a new life. I let him go for his own sake and mine, and as your bf said, so that we dont ruin the good that we had by trying to maintain something that its just not the time for. DO i have hopes that maybe we'll reunite? Maybe, but i wont stop my life for him or wait around for him to get better and finally realize what he truly wants. IF its in the cards, its in the cards, if not, oh well. Bassically, take what he said and just know that it means he really cares for you. But also know that you need to figure out whether who he is and the reason why he left you are good enough for you to leave that door open. As other people said, if he is just choosing to leave you because he wants to have a good time with other people and bassically doesnt appreciate you...id wave goodbye for good
angelface78 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Ive heard this one before...what it means is that they just want to keep you on the back burner incase they dont find something better. Its sad. DONT BE ANYBODYS SECOND CHOICE.!!
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Its sad - I just came across some old pictures, not of him, but of me - and the girl I was then, when we'd just met. Weird as it sounds, I saw what he saw in me. I was innocent and altogether a different person. Somewhere along the line I changed into someone else, someone different. Just looking at a picture of me it hit me how different I was - in both good and bad ways and I felt sad; sad that the person I was then didn't see this coming. Ahhh maybe sounds a weird thing to say but its almost like when you see a picture of yourself as a child and you think about your life now and how that child never knew the good and bad things that were to come - it made me feel very sad and weird, almost goosebumpy
CaliGuy Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 The ONLY reason an ex says this is to keep you around in the RARE case they can't find anyone else. Then and only then would they be willing to "settle" for you. In any case, if they settle for you now, when someone else comes along they like better, they'll dump you in a heartbeat. If someone ever said that to me ("Maybe in the future") I would laugh at them as I walked away -- and never talked to them again. What a farce!
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