its over.

[ralph1319]

well after 6 months of separation and 6 months of counseling by myself its over..i had heard rumors about my wife.so to clear things up i asked her if the rumors were true she had said no and she is sick of rumors flying around.i also had enough here i was doing my best to be a better husband ,father,friend, so i asked if she wanted a divorce.her answer was we will end up getting one. it broke my heart again. i was expecting us to work things out. she said why did i think that. i had asked her weeks before if she wanted a divorce she said she hadnt thought of that.so i was expecting maybe i had a chance.i wrote her a letter telling her how much she hurt me and how angry i was about her not giving me a chance. she emailed me back a letter. this was by far the worse thing i have ever read in the letter was everything i did wrong in detail.ot was a shock.i could not believe that guy was me,selfish bad temperd,angry never happy,it was like she was talking about another guy.then it all hit me like a tons of bricks i really was that bad. i had no idea.then the questions come in my head whyd i do that why did i do this..i have never felt so low in my life..here i was thinking everything was ok with us and i wasnt that bad.now i see the worse person i have ever seen in my life.i do love her with all my heart and stilll want to work things out but she just doesnt want to.i feel so depressed i feel like im back to square1 when we first split but instead of thinking ok i was a little bad now i know i was a horrible husband. i just dont know where to go from here anymore.i cant wait to talk to my counseler boy does she have alot of work to do.im so lost i am by far a total diffrent person from 6 months ago its like night and day i want to show her the world but i dont think that will happen.im so very unhappy now.

[PWSX3]

Been there, been that guy you are talking about......The one BIG thing I learned was, yes I was like you but your spouse also had a lot to do with it. Lot of is is how we were raised and how much different things are now.

 

Only suggestion I would say is keep working on "YOU" and don't worry about sharing who this new person is with her. I really don't believe they (our former spouses) will except that we can change, so work on you, become a better person then down the road you can share that with someone else that will appreciate it.

 

I know I am not the same person, I have excepted that it took both of us to get to the point of divorce even though she tried to blame it all on me. I have learned what "my" part was & what "I" can do about "me" and that is about all you can do.

 

Things do get better, you learn to adjust and move on.

[cyabye]

she emailed me back a letter. this was by far the worse thing i have ever read in the letter was everything i did wrong in detail.ot was a shock.i could not believe that guy was me,selfish bad temperd,angry never happy,it was like she was talking about another guy.then it all hit me like a tons of bricks i really was that bad. i had no idea..

 

I'd take anything she says with a "grain of salt". Not sure what that means but I hear it all the time. Anyway, did she ever tell you that when you were together? No? Ok. She left the relationship and didn't tell you why until after you wrote a letter (don't do that anymore)? She is lashing out at you and blaming you for her leaving to ease her guilt. Classic. Ignore it. I am sure you are much better than she "thinks" or "says" (now). Unless you were physically abusive, she left for her own reasons. Possibly OM or thinks the grass is greener thing (which it is not). So she is the selfish one.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We ALL do things in a relationship that we regret and feel guilty for. No one is perfect. So you were angry and selfish at times. WOW! Guess what? You' re human. Why were you angry and selfish at times? Why were you never happy? Those are the important questions. I am sure it had alot to do with her actions. So stop listening to her lies and improve yourself.

 

A real woman worth her "salt" would have told you during the relationship (and not during a heated arguement or after she left) about her concerns. Consider the source and consider her comments for face value which is NADA!

 

Time to get your inner (man) strength back. True happiness comes from one's self and you need to get that back. Your quote "it's over". No my friend, it's just the beginning. This can be the first day of the rest of your life. It's up to you. Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

[MrMayI]

I'd take anything she says with a "grain of salt". Not sure what that means but I hear it all the time. Anyway, did she ever tell you that when you were together? No? Ok. She left the relationship and didn't tell you why until after you wrote a letter (don't do that anymore)? She is lashing out at you and blaming you for her leaving to ease her guilt. Classic. Ignore it. I am sure you are much better than she "thinks" or "says" (now). Unless you were physically abusive, she left for her own reasons. Possibly OM or thinks the grass is greener thing (which it is not). So she is the selfish one.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We ALL do things in a relationship that we regret and feel guilty for. No one is perfect. So you were angry and selfish at times. WOW! Guess what? You' re human. Why were you angry and selfish at times? Why were you never happy? Those are the important questions. I am sure it had alot to do with her actions. So stop listening to her lies and improve yourself.

 

A real woman worth her "salt" would have told you during the relationship (and not during a heated arguement or after she left) about her concerns. Consider the source and consider her comments for face value which is NADA!

 

Time to get your inner (man) strength back. True happiness comes from one's self and you need to get that back. Your quote "it's over". No my friend, it's just the beginning. This can be the first day of the rest of your life. It's up to you. Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

 

this post says it all.

[phineas]

Everything my wife said I did wrong was almost 100% true.

The part she didn't want to admit to was that only about 5% of it happened BEFORE her affair.

 

So yeah, really think about what she said & take a good look at yourself.

Was that how you spent the marriage behaving or just a few times here & there?

 

Or is it just her trying to convince herself she was justified?

 

My wife actually brought up a crude comment I made about stripper polls at a party 5 yrs ago & tried to use it to justify her behavior.

 

go figure.

[LisaUk]

this post says it all.

 

Yep totally agree!

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Ralph

 

Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

 

Trying to give you a woman's perspective here, sometimes it's hard to tell your H how you feel if you're in a pattern of anger, avoidance, etc. It's like a cycle. When things are difficult and there's a lot of anger in the air you don't want to fuel the fire by bringing up other things. Then when things are calm and it would be a better time to talk you don't want to make trouble where there isn't trouble, you want to enjoy the time that you're getting along.

 

Not sure how long you have been married and how long before things got difficult. Maybe she spent years trying to get through to you and you didn't realize how bad it was.

 

Yes maybe it's her job to make sure you know exactly how miserable she was (whether you were causing it or not) but after a while that can get difficult if you're always being shut down.

 

Just speaking from experience here.

 

I am on the opposite side, thinking of leaving a spouse that sounds much like your W is trying to make you sound. I feel like I tried very hard throughout our 18 year marriage. We tried counseling, etc. Today I happened to think to myself that he will be surprised if I leave but then thought that he shouldn't be surprised. How much did he think I was going to take before I left?

 

Just as PWSX3 says, you have to work on you. She may never come back to you, but if you start to work on yourself right now then at least you'll feel more confident in yourself and your next relationship. Don't beat yourself up.

 

Chances are good she made up her mind long ago and there's nothing you are going to be able to do to change it. So really in that situation you can only look forward.

 

No matter how flat a pancake is, it still has 2 sides. It takes 2 people working together to make it work out. There's enough blame for both of you, not just you. She is just focusing on the bad stuff and not the good times. So the note was written out of frustration or resentment probably, and didn't give you a whole picture of who you are. Just pieces.

 

And cyabye physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Not saying Ralph is guilty of this, just saying.

 

My H has called me: Idiot, piece of s**t, dope, dumbass, told me to f**k off, kicked my car as I was leaving with son in the car, always yells obscenities at me when he's stressed. So just because he doesn't beat me I should feel o.k about it all and I'm selfish if I leave??

 

Every story has another side.

[Gunny376]

Everything my wife said I did wrong was almost 100% true.

The part she didn't want to admit to was that only about 5% of it happened BEFORE her affair.

 

So yeah, really think about what she said & take a good look at yourself.

Was that how you spent the marriage behaving or just a few times here & there?

 

Or is it just her trying to convince herself she was justified?

 

My wife actually brought up a crude comment I made about stripper polls at a party 5 yrs ago & tried to use it to justify her behavior.

 

go figure.

 

Yep she was acting single!

 

And I was drinking doubles!

[ralph1319]

Ralph

 

Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

 

Trying to give you a woman's perspective here, sometimes it's hard to tell your H how you feel if you're in a pattern of anger, avoidance, etc. It's like a cycle. When things are difficult and there's a lot of anger in the air you don't want to fuel the fire by bringing up other things. Then when things are calm and it would be a better time to talk you don't want to make trouble where there isn't trouble, you want to enjoy the time that you're getting along.

 

Not sure how long you have been married and how long before things got difficult. Maybe she spent years trying to get through to you and you didn't realize how bad it was.

 

Yes maybe it's her job to make sure you know exactly how miserable she was (whether you were causing it or not) but after a while that can get difficult if you're always being shut down.

 

Just speaking from experience here.

 

I am on the opposite side, thinking of leaving a spouse that sounds much like your W is trying to make you sound. I feel like I tried very hard throughout our 18 year marriage. We tried counseling, etc. Today I happened to think to myself that he will be surprised if I leave but then thought that he shouldn't be surprised. How much did he think I was going to take before I left?

 

Just as PWSX3 says, you have to work on you. She may never come back to you, but if you start to work on yourself right now then at least you'll feel more confident in yourself and your next relationship. Don't beat yourself up.

 

Chances are good she made up her mind long ago and there's nothing you are going to be able to do to change it. So really in that situation you can only look forward.

 

No matter how flat a pancake is, it still has 2 sides. It takes 2 people working together to make it work out. There's enough blame for both of you, not just you. She is just focusing on the bad stuff and not the good times. So the note was written out of frustration or resentment probably, and didn't give you a whole picture of who you are. Just pieces.

 

And cyabye physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Not saying Ralph is guilty of this, just saying.

 

My H has called me: Idiot, piece of s**t, dope, dumbass, told me to f**k off, kicked my car as I was leaving with son in the car, always yells obscenities at me when he's stressed. So just because he doesn't beat me I should feel o.k about it all and I'm selfish if I leave??

 

Every story has another side.

true no i admit i said some horrible things and didnt pay attenttntion to her as much as i should i have by far i wasnt the greatest of husband. but out of my going on 16 years of marriage we never really argued or yell at each other. i should have just payed more attention to her feelings. i really didnt know my words would hurt.my past had alot to do with out break up.but i dont know if i had my blinders on i really didnt know it was as bad it was.i do regret everything i have done if i can only build a delorean and go back in time i would..she has said not all was bad in our relationship. i was just hoping that would be enough to give me a chance

[lostsoulmate]

What you need to remember... is perhaps she did give you various chances through out your 16 year marriage... maybe you didn't listen to her. You may have heard what she said but didn't listen.

 

When I left my partner 3 months ago, he said to me that maybe I should have threatened to leave years ago, maybe he would have got it then.

 

I thought that when I would tell him how I felt, things would change. He thought if he just left things alone they would get better. "So I should have threatened to leave to make things better????"

 

People make mistakes, people are not perfect. What you want from her (this second chance) she probably feels like she gave already...IMO.

[cyabye]

 

And cyabye physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Not saying Ralph is guilty of this, just saying.

 

My H has called me: Idiot, piece of s**t, dope, dumbass, told me to f**k off, kicked my car as I was leaving with son in the car, always yells obscenities at me when he's stressed. So just because he doesn't beat me I should feel o.k about it all and I'm selfish if I leave??

 

Every story has another side.

 

Um yes I know there is verbal (emotional) abuse as well. There are all forms of abuse but I stated "physical" abuse as being one that could not be tolerated and worked on coexisting in the relationship. This is why I said we are human and we all do things we regret. I am sure your husband has his side of the story too. In your 18 year marriage, were you perfect? What were your faults that you are willing to divulge here. So he is angry for no reason? If you want we can start a seperate thread. I stand by my post to ralph1319.

 

cyabye

[cyabye]

true no i admit i said some horrible things and didnt pay attenttntion to her as much as i should i have by far i wasnt the greatest of husband. but out of my going on 16 years of marriage we never really argued or yell at each other. i should have just payed more attention to her feelings. i really didnt know my words would hurt.my past had alot to do with out break up.but i dont know if i had my blinders on i really didnt know it was as bad it was.i do regret everything i have done if i can only build a delorean and go back in time i would..she has said not all was bad in our relationship. i was just hoping that would be enough to give me a chance

 

Like Gunny says:

 

Should have, could have, would have.

 

Stop beating yourself up! In my marriage, I was very angry and I let her know about it. I have regret for the things I've said and done (no physical abuse from me) but what's done is done. Do I think she deserved my anger? Yes. Should it have been done in a more appropriate way? Probably.

 

But after finding out from her best friend that she slept with 3 different men (one shortly after our son was born and he was in his crib in the other room), constantly lied about everything, ruined us financially, left so many times (I cannot keep track), filed for divorce on me twice and tried to take me for everything I had (didn't care if I was homeless etc.). Tried manipulating me (using the kids) to get what she wanted. The list goes on and on...

 

The latest, over a year ago she took the kids and left out of state while I was at work. Funny thing is, I had just used my inheritance money to buy her a new vehicle, furniture and home appliances (she took the vehicle and I had to sell the appliances). I had to stay 2 months and save enough money to move and be closer to the kids. I had to give up a good job and relocate at my own expense (I brought all her stuff and the kids too). After some intuitive investigating on my part, a month after she left she was telling some guy (via email) she loved and missed him very much and that it kills her that she could not be with him (affair # ???). From what I know, this person lived in another state. But who knows the truth really.

 

I'll admit in an open forum, that I was (and in regards to her - still) verbally abusive. I have a problem with my anger and dealing with the things this woman put my family and I through. I can give multiple reasons for the way I was. But in the end it comes down to lacking self control. For that I have regret. I am working on it everyday. Does this make me a bad person? Who knows. But I 'm only human and I did the best I could at the time with what I had to work with.

 

So stop beating yourself up!

 

cyabye

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes:

 

"At the time, I did what I knew how to do, and when I knew better, I did better"

 

I think this applies to all of us.

 

IMO opinion my H is angry because he had a dysfunctional childhood with an angry alcoholic as a father. He didn't learn how to be married, didn't learn how to be a parent, no one ever taught him.

 

I was young when we married and never stood up to him in the beginning like I should have. We loved each other and I thought that was all we needed.

 

You teach people how to treat you and when they treat you badly and you let it go, you've just taught them that it's o.k.

 

In our marriage there has never been any infidelity or EA's. Ever. No divorce on either side of our families (until recently). We are both in this for the long haul. Or so I thought. If you read the thread I started you'll see my dilemma.

 

I'm sure he has reasons to be angry with me from time to time. But I am not what makes him an angry person. He is a guy who's anger is under the surface all of the time and it takes very little for it to boil over. I did not do this to him, I promise you that.

 

When we met and I found out his family lived 1000 miles away my thought was 'well, I guess we won't have to split Christmas dinner between families'. When I found out he had a great work ethic and money in the bank I thought 'A great solid guy who knows how to work and can teach me a thing or two about money'.

 

What I didn't realize is that he lived 1000 miles away from his family for a reason and that he values money more than he values people. Seriously, not kidding here.

 

And I can't fix him.

 

So back to the topic of the post. It's hard as a wife to feel like things will get better, he's angry now but that will pass, on and on. Eventually you get beat down and even though you could do something to change your relationship, you just don't have the energy.

 

Cyabye your marriage had issues that had nothing to do with anger, from what I can see from your post.

 

And Ralph I think you're being too hard on yourself. A marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. You both have to be 100% in and committed. Don't take all of the blame.

 

Even though I'm torn because of my husbands actions I know I could make my marriage better. I'm just tired. Too many years of the ups and downs and bad feelings.

 

Ralph, if you read enough posts from enough of these guys you'll see there's a way back. Many of these guys have been through what you've been through and they're here to tell their stories.

[ralph1319]

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes:

 

"At the time, I did what I knew how to do, and when I knew better, I did better"

 

I think this applies to all of us.

 

IMO opinion my H is angry because he had a dysfunctional childhood with an angry alcoholic as a father. He didn't learn how to be married, didn't learn how to be a parent, no one ever taught him.

 

I was young when we married and never stood up to him in the beginning like I should have. We loved each other and I thought that was all we needed.

 

You teach people how to treat you and when they treat you badly and you let it go, you've just taught them that it's o.k.

 

In our marriage there has never been any infidelity or EA's. Ever. No divorce on either side of our families (until recently). We are both in this for the long haul. Or so I thought. If you read the thread I started you'll see my dilemma.

 

I'm sure he has reasons to be angry with me from time to time. But I am not what makes him an angry person. He is a guy who's anger is under the surface all of the time and it takes very little for it to boil over. I did not do this to him, I promise you that.

 

When we met and I found out his family lived 1000 miles away my thought was 'well, I guess we won't have to split Christmas dinner between families'. When I found out he had a great work ethic and money in the bank I thought 'A great solid guy who knows how to work and can teach me a thing or two about money'.

 

What I didn't realize is that he lived 1000 miles away from his family for a reason and that he values money more than he values people. Seriously, not kidding here.

 

And I can't fix him.

 

So back to the topic of the post. It's hard as a wife to feel like things will get better, he's angry now but that will pass, on and on. Eventually you get beat down and even though you could do something to change your relationship, you just don't have the energy.

 

Cyabye your marriage had issues that had nothing to do with anger, from what I can see from your post.

 

And Ralph I think you're being too hard on yourself. A marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. You both have to be 100% in and committed. Don't take all of the blame.

 

Even though I'm torn because of my husbands actions I know I could make my marriage better. I'm just tired. Too many years of the ups and downs and bad feelings.

 

Ralph, if you read enough posts from enough of these guys you'll see there's a way back. Many of these guys have been through what you've been through and they're here to tell their stories.

yea maybe your right.maybe i did hear her i just didnt listen to her.it just amazes me why i couldnt do the simple things with her hold her hand.tell i love her more.now im @ the barrel.my kids wanted to live me with but i work nights i didnt want them alone so they live with her.also she with her long hours at work and she still goes to school all her driving she would have to do. it was just better and safer for her to live with the kids and the kids be safer with 1 parent at home at night. so now i live from house to house i do the driving to see the kids i see them everyday i take them to and from school softball practices etc. etc.after i heard that she needs time and more than likely to get divorce. everything stopped moving im standing still while everything is moving forward.it seems like she is moving forward as far as making herself happy and although she says shes not intrested in dating she is talking to someone else and man that crap hurts to think about. no matter what i do i always end up thinking about her moving on.but anyways i just dont know where to go from here.this is byfar depressing..

[cyabye]

it seems like she is moving forward as far as making herself happy and although she says shes not intrested in dating she is talking to someone else

 

Well there you go. Now you have your answer as to why she did what she did. She is in the midst of an affair. She has probably been "talking" to this OM for some time now. It's game over pal. You need to move on and get throught the hurt.

 

You need to believe nothing of what she says and less than half of what she does for now on. Focus on you and the kids from this moment on. Many on this forum have been through this stuff so keep posting.

 

cyabye