I am new here, going through Break-up

[almita]

Hi I am new here, after reading through a lot of the threads (no foolin was my favourite) I decided to get some advice here.

 

I met my ex bf 3 years ago and we had a difficult relationship from the start. He had been single for 7 years and I had come out of a 10 year relationship only 4 months earlier. He is 43 I am 44.

 

We managed 3 years with lots of fights (mostly over his strong desire for independency within the relationship) lots of sulking (he does) and 1 longer break up (6 weeks) last winter.

 

I tried hard to please him by accepting many of the things I ever wanted to accept (he is a heavy smoker and also likes to drink on a regular basis). I thought that eventually he would give up on at least one of the two but he didn't of course... He has a lot of friends and likes to keep in touch with all of them, help them, lend them money, try new businesses, sit around and talk etc.. and I am quite conservative in that aspect, I have my job, my home, my dog etc..., well he moved in with me and thats when the real problems started.

 

He likes to be at home with me for a couple of nights but then he needs to go out again and drink in the bar or even drink by himself. I was stupid enough to call him in the bar on more than one ocasion asking him when he would come home for dinner and he would say that he doesn't know, I should go to bed and not worry.

 

Well I do not drink at all and I had a stepfather who was an alcoholic so that bit made me suffer a lot but he says that is not his problem.

 

Before I continue about his bad sides I need to say that he is very helpful and can be absolutely sweet and he is a good listener so I am not saying it's all bad.

when we fight he always tells me that it's my fault, that I ask too much of him and that I shoul make his life richer and not restrict him in any way.

 

I tried, but the going out and drinking bit sucked too much (excuse the word) I could not bear it so we kept fighting and in the end he moved out a month ago. I had to find him an apartment he does not have a normal job, he looks after someones boat and his charter venture that he tried this summer did not work.

I had warned him about doing business with certain people here (we live on an island) but he knew better and lost a lot of money.

 

So anyways he left and I am suffering big time, he has called me twice in the last 4 weeks, both times for stupid things no personal questions or anything.

 

I worked hard on the NC thing but had to cal him once because he still had stuff here.

Some days I am ok but others I could just stay in bed all day. I lost 4 kg already and I don't know what to do.

 

What do you think please tell me your impression on this is, I am heartbroken and it is haunting me day and night.

 

Looking forward to hear from you

 

Almita

[JL911]

I am just 2 months into a break up with the girl I wanted to marry....I know how terrible you feel, how much it hurts, and how much it effects your day to day BS. I am only 25, but I was very happy in life prior to this bomb being dropped on me...It is terrible, but all I can say is that it does slowly start to get better. In no way am I as sad as I was the night this all happened...I miss it, but the things she told me when we broke up were downright cruel and hurtful...Its not something someone who truly loves you would do...

 

You have to realize that somethings in life just happen for a reason and that you cannot change a person or mold them into exactly what you want. You have to find a person who appreciates your great qualities and can look past the ones that are not so great because lets face it, no one is perfect in this world.

 

Everyone has their own hobbies and things about them that make them unique. It is what makes them, themselves...However in this case the smoking and drinking are more destructive things that effect those people around them. Having a first hand view of alcoholism should make you think if that is what you want in a partner?

 

The loss and the void are the worst things to deal with because even with the fights and flaws with this person I am sure there were good times.

 

You need to just cut him off and not talk to him. Whatever you have left there or lost or is yours in his posession just chalk it up as gone and move on. Guys and girls are similar in nature and really will only make the phone call or text when they are feeling ****ty about themselves and they need someone reliable to tell them how wonderful and terrific they are. Do not feed his ego by answering or giving a reaction, instead feed your own by not picking up and getting on with your life. You will become an even stronger person...

 

No one person can be the secret to your happiness...You gota love you first...

[almita]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. It felt good to hear you say that.

I know you are right we are all different and we cannot change a person and mold them into hat we want.

 

I tried to do that at first, made him quit smoking (I didn't nag but I told him how it could affect his health etc), then I stopped because it made no sense and he really did not care or maybe he just could not quit it.

 

With the drinking it was different, I could not ignore that. There was hardly a day when he would not drink a beer but mostly he would drink more than that.

 

Anyway, it has been 27 days since the break up and he called me twice in that time about unimportant stuff. every time I saw his number on my phone I got really excited and all nervous but he didn't call to say he misses me or anything.

 

I know he can not call me for a long time, that's just him. He told me once he is a "headperson" and he can ignore his heart. we also had the problem that the more he wanted to be independent the more I would cling to him like glue and that was not very smart. It all got worse when one day he told me he wanted me to be 10 % of his life, he wanted to live with me in the same place but do his own stuff 90 % of the time obviously.

 

I should have left then but I just could not. I don't know how I get through the days, I check my email 15 times a day, check skype to see whether he is online (although I'd never contact him there).

 

Some of his stuff is still here and I don't know whether I should call him or just drop it off somewhere for him or whether I should not do anything at all. We had a very bad ending to our relationship, meaning we have been fighting for a week and he would just not talk to me and tell me he needed to be left alone. For me that was emotionally very painful, I tried to approach him in all the nicest ways, buying him sandwiches for work, hugging etc.... he didn't care.

 

My self esteem is way underground and I am so greatful for what you wrote I know I have to continue this NC I am NOT in any kind of position to face him or talk to him.

 

I don't think age matters when you have a heart ache, so I feel for you too !!

Thanks again for your kind words and I hope you are better already!

 

Almita