jlr Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 In a few weeks, it will be one year since we broke up. And there's many times, where I feel just as devastated as the day it happened. Or, in many ways worse, because I was basically numb for like 2 months after it happened. It sucks. I've been really bummed lately, thinking about the future I hoped for with her. How I never even thought about how life would be without her when we were together. I always thought we'd make it through. Five years is a really long time. Any memory that comes to mind of my life in the last 5 years has her attached to it. It's so hard to shut it off. I loved her so much, and I still do. I sort of feel like I'm weak that I'd still love someone who left me. I've been talking in therapy how I feel like a failure. A failure because I couldn't make something work. Of course, my therapist reminds me that you can't make something work when the other person won't work too. I know all these things. The right things. But on some days, I just can't see reality. Some days I just don't listen to reason. I guess right now is one of those moments. I just wish that a year later I'd be better off mentally than this. I think there are times when I'm progressing, but I'm hard on myself that it's not going fast enough. We broke up last October, but began hanging out again around December. We remained in a weird sort of off again, on again, rollercoaster ride that ended in May again when she met someone else. Then she would contact me at random times about really trivial things - usually they were excuses for us to rehash the relationship over and over. It was pointless really. I allowed it to happen, I know. I wrote her a really long letter about a month or so ago, where I finally stood up for myself. One of the things I told her was that it was too hard for me to have her pop up off and on to discuss our relationship, especially when she disguises the reason for the talking under dumb premises. Of course, 2 weeks later she left me two voicemails about taxes. I didn't respond to them, and haven't heard from her since. I am proud of myself for saying what I needed to say, for not picking up that phone. But I can't lie, the silence is killing me right now. I want to pick up that phone and scream at her for all the **** she's done to me now. But I know I'd also want to tell her I love her. And I'd also break down crying two words into it. So I don't. And time goes by. Slow. And not one day goes by where I don't think of her, or miss her. I just thought I'd share a snapshot of what a year later is for me. Maybe some of you are in similar boats. Maybe some of you are further than me after a year. I hope so.
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 it is hard... I've been next to a someone in your situation. My most recent ex was in your boat when we met. I didnt realize he was until it was too late. I saw his heart shattered when he found a few pictures and an old note from his ex (dated 5 years as well). I saw him feeling just like you are now, like a failure for not being able to have the relationship work out ( we talked about all this....sometimes i felt more like his therapist than his girlfriend). Last may it would have been a year since his break up. Thankfully he did something that helped him a whole lot. He gave himself a goal. He made the goal to leave the city and go live in the city he always dreamed of living. He also made a goal to go back to school and get his MBA (I got a feeling this was not only because he wanted to make more money but also to show her he could do it). Unfortunately I got tangled in the mess. He sorta used me to get over her....however, in my most selfless moments (which happened a lot after i realized he was still hearbroken) I was happy I could help someone who had been so hurt, even if it meant i might be hurt in the end (ok maybe im a little retarded lol). I also served as a corrective experience for him (and he for me really, despite everything he's been the best bf ive ever had...i can only imagine how good he could have been had he not been so messed up) In any case, my point is that he made goals he thought were lofty, he surrounded himself with people who cared for him, and thankfully he accomplished what he set himself out to do. Now he is in the city he loves, meeting people he only dreamed of before and bassically on top of the world. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...but you need to stop focusing on her. Make YOUR life the best life you can. My ex was still crying over his ex about a year after they broke up...but as soon as he saw that life kept moving and wonderful things were gonna happen despite her cheating everything was so much better and he moved on completely. Shake it off....make plans, dream big. Its totally possible.
steve9417 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 hi jlr first you have my sympathy as an important relationship ended for me 10 months ago - for me it's 100% over esp as she met someone 2 months after me and i assume still with him .. i've had NC in that time & will always continue to ...... for me she's frankly not worth the effort its good you've the wisdom to see a therapist - it's not an easy route as it exposes you to the pain, hurt and anguish ...... but like healing a wound properly you have to open it up so that it can clean out the rubbish ........ and that's exactly what it will help you do not a day goes by for you without thinking of her ...... snap ! my ex said she had never loved anyone as much as me and was unlikely to ..... still she chose to move on as indeed have i .... sure i look back but with no regret only optimism relationships as your therapist says are based on 2 people wanting it ...... if 1 party is not committed then it's doomed ...... unfortunately you were with someone that had different needs from your offerings ....... don't take it personally .... that's just the game that we all play ! don't assume that your ex is having the time of her life .... she might be for a period ..... but as with anything that passes - as indeed will this unsettling period for you ....... my ex got embroiled in a toxic rebound that had a lot to do with unfulfilled childhood experiences ...... the feeling of being 100% adored, cherished and cared ....... i couldn't compete with that stuff - though i've learnt from the experience...... folks all have a motive to end / start relationships and a lot of them are unconscious - perhaps that's why a lot of folks take so long to heal - if we were all loved as a child then healing and moving on would be a quicker process (this is essentially down to the fact that we love and value ourself) ...... the sooner you can get in touch with this the quicker your healing you're the most important person right now ..... surround yourself with family and friends ..... take your time ...... reconnect with the person you were before you met her & you'll regain the love you lost with your ex ..... be gently with yourself and remember that you're loved, it's a birthright we all share even in your darkest moments remember that they too will pass and that this period will be the making of you
Author jlr Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Thank you both for the kind words and encouragement. I appreciate it. I really do hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's times where I think I can see it, but then something knocks me back down there. But I'm trying. I'm not laying around wallowing. I'm out there trying. Me and 3 buddies are renting a big house that I'm moving into next month. And in January, I'm going back to school for audio production. I also just finished recording a CD I made that documents this whole sad process for me. So I have some things on my platter that I'm trying to keep myself busy and excited about. I guess I have to not be so hard on myself and realize that it takes time. Not everyone heals the same. Five years is a long time, it may take me 1/2 of that to really get past it, who knows. But I hope I can be strong. Thanks again.
AriaIncognito Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 JLR... You realize that you'd be much farther along in this year gone by if you had stopped contact with this girl, right? If you do this NOW, in another year you can reply to this thread, from a much different, better place. Just a thought.... You deserve more than to string yourself along.
Author jlr Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, I do realize that 100%. That's what I'm trying to do now.
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