pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I know no one is "normal," and I recognize that everyone is complicated in their own way. I am by no means a special exception, but sometimes I feel so isolated and alone and disconnected and unlovable. I do suffer from spells of depression and I am already getting help for it. I've been doing really well lately, but I've recently gone into a depressive episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Before that I felt great. I stopped seeing a guy about two months ago, and I was so over it and felt confident and happy. But because I've been feeling down, it's almost like I was finding ways to make myself feel worse, so I looked at his facebook page and saw that he is still dating the girl -- the reason we stopped dating -- he was seeing when he was seeing me. At the time, he told me he didn't want a girlfriend, or a relationship with ANYONE, and here he is with photos of them on vacation and the such. I almost felt like throwing up and started crying. I know this really has nothing to do with him or this girl, or the fact that he's still dating her. It has to do with ME. It's that I absorb information in anyway that can be self-destructive: "What's wrong with me?" "I am unlovable," "I must suck if he didn't want me." Somewhere behind all these thoughts, I see a more confident person who knows all of this is false, but she's so small that she never wins.
deux ex machina Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 The fact that you understand that it is a cognitive distortion is so, so wonderful I cannot begin to tell you. Do you know how many *never* get to that point? You are really...doing remarkably well. Keep digging in that dirt. Keep doing.
deux ex machina Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Oh, and by the way: screw "normal". Ugh. Psssh.
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 The fact that you understand that it is a cognitive distortion is so, so wonderful I cannot begin to tell you. Do you know how many *never* get to that point? You are really...doing remarkably well. Keep digging in that dirt. Keep doing. Aw, thanks -- that was a nice thing to say! It's been a long road to change myself; it comes in very small victories and steps. But I'm determined, because I know I am not really *that* person. And yes, most people never get to the point of self-awareness. I understand why most people never change or want to change, because it's very difficult and SLOW process.
Isolde Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 [pandagirl] You do know you're lucky you ended things when you did, right?
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 [pandagirl] You do know you're lucky you ended things when you did, right? Yes. Healthy Pandagirl: -Proud of herself for demanding respect -Knows she deserves WAY better -Believes she is a strong, intelligent, desirable woman -Thinks this guy is a sad schmuck. Not-so-healthy Pandagirl: -Thinks there is something wrong with her -If she was somehow "better" (prettier, smarter, funnier) he would have "picked" her -Thinks she is fundamentally damaged and no one could ever want her. Sometimes I feel like both people at the same time! BTW, Christian Bale. Rawr.
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 pandagirl, you are normal. What might help is to realize that not all dating opportunities, end in a relationship. There are times, sometimes plenty of times, where you're going to not connect with someone. You have to learn to let go, when that happens, and try not to internalize it.
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 pandagirl, you are normal. What might help is to realize that not all dating opportunities, end in a relationship. There are times, sometimes plenty of times, where you're going to not connect with someone. You have to learn to let go, when that happens, and try not to internalize it. It's almost like I'm bored and tired of myself. I only want guys I can't have. I only start caring, when they stop caring. I'm fully aware of this, yet I set myself up for failure.
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 It's almost like I'm bored and tired of myself. I only want guys I can't have. I only start caring, when they stop caring. I'm fully aware of this, yet I set myself up for failure.If you're bored and tired of yourself, why not break out in some way? Take a look at what dreamergirl did. She moved a number of states away, through a job opportunity and turned her life around. Think about it, even though your immediate response is that "I can't". You could shake up your life if you really wanted to!!
Isolde Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 TBF that's not bad advice, but in this case I don't think Panda would be helped by drastic life changes. Just my guess... I don't think her boredom is situational, but rather something more internal than that. Yeah, my avvy is Christian Bale In the celebrity crushes thread, I commented that he struck me as too perfect/polished or something, then I found this picture, among several others, that changed my mind.
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 If you're bored and tired of yourself, why not break out in some way? Take a look at what dreamergirl did. She moved a number of states away, through a job opportunity and turned her life around. Think about it, even though your immediate response is that "I can't". You could shake up your life if you really wanted to!! I would consider moving, but I can't right now. But I *do* feel that urge to shake things up. But, I have a lot of stuff going for me. I started my own company nine months ago that is about to turn a profit. A book agent wants to rep me. I was interviewed today for a piece about my new business. I started taking piano lessons after 15 years. And I just signed up to be a mentor for a girl's youth program. Even with all these things going for me, I still sat in a bar last night, where I engaged in witty conversation for hours, make jokes, made people laugh, but still felt ugly compared to all the other women and disconnected from everyone. Don't get me wrong, it was a fine time, but it didn't bring me happiness.
Isolde Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 But, I have a lot of stuff going for me. I started my own company nine months ago that is about to turn a profit. A book agent wants to rep me. I was interviewed today for a piece about my new business. I started taking piano lessons after 15 years. And I just signed up to be a mentor for a girl's youth program. You sound energetic, industrious and creative... wow. Anyway, my advice is to just focus on those new things for now and keep moving in mind as a possibility for the not too distant future. How does that sound?
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 But, I have a lot of stuff going for me. I started my own company nine months ago that is about to turn a profit. A book agent wants to rep me. I was interviewed today for a piece about my new business. I started taking piano lessons after 15 years. And I just signed up to be a mentor for a girl's youth program.Do you really enjoy doing these things?
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 You sound energetic, industrious and creative... wow. Anyway, my advice is to just focus on those new things for now and keep moving in mind as a possibility for the not too distant future. How does that sound? I'm quietly ambitious. For some reason, I am and have been successful with my career. Whatever I've set my mind to, I've done it. Do you really enjoy doing these things? Absolutely! Playing music has always been a passion of mine, and since I have more time on my hands now (I work from home), I decided to take up lessons again. Being a mentor to a young girl has always been something I've wanted to do. Adding that element of giving back to a community is very important to me.
Author pandagirl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Confession: deep down, I've always felt insufficient as a woman. I grew up having a very poor self-image of myself. It's something that I still struggle with. Feeling bad about the way you look is a handicap when it comes to dating and relationships. It's a breeding ground for feeling inadequate.
stace79 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I'm very curious about your OP... I often do the same exact thing. I will go on Facebook and look at acquaintances' profiles and wonder "what the heck is wrong with me that I couldn't look so happy or have so many friends or meet that kind of guy...." Or I will be out at some event and notice a very pretty, outgoing girl with lots of friends and wonder why that can't be me. I thought I was just weird.
pixiecat Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I read your post, and realize we are very alike, so I had to respond. When you said that you absorb information in a way that's almost self-destructive - that is SUCH a good way of putting it! I do that same exact thing and believe me, it sucks. I've gotten slightly more confident (or maybe it's just better at ignoring or hiding it - don't really know) as I've gotten older, but it's still there. Lack of self-esteem? Is that what's behind it? I've heard it called insecurity more times than I care to count. I know I'm a worthwhile person and you seem like you are as well, so why can't we seem to drown out that voice that tells us we're not? Sometimes, it's like I have an internal argument in my own head! LOL. I know it sounds loony, and I'm not schizo or anything, it just sometimes happens when I am very upset or feeling depressed. I'll hear that stupid, small but ever-so-persistent voice whispering lies to me, and I don't know how to combat it or get the upper hand. Ugh. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I don't wish the insecurity on you, I'm just happy to know you understand what it's like!
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