mungosmum Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I feel I've stepped into someone else's life. I so want, beg, will do anything to have my life back. I'll cut of a limb, I don't care what it takes - I want, need to have my life back. I may not have won medals for the "Best Wife" award, but nothing I've done, or haven't done deserves to know my husband has chronically cheated on me with prostitutes for the most part of our 31 year marriage! I know I'm not sexually unattractive, I did a lot of TV and magazine modeling well up until my 40's, and have kept myself in shape ever since. But obviously he couldn't get turned on with me, or more likely, that once he realised he just needed to pay someone to "service" him, why make an effort with me? I lamented our lack of sexual intimacy, (or for that matter, emotional intimacy too) I tried to spice things up, but he was never interested. The past few years he told me he had lost his libido?!?! Well, if you read my previous post, that was another damn lie! Hes coming home in a few days (he works 2 weeks away every month) and when he's with me I see the man I've loved - same face, body, walk, voice etc etc, and I truly cant believe all of this is true. I truly don't know what to do, how to precede with what years are left to me. I know he has stopped, and is getting professional help, and is now having to face the devastation he has caused. I can get anything from him I want, should I go for the ride? see where it takes me? Or get rid of bad rubbish? (If I get rid, I'll make sure there's not a penny left for him to ever go awhoreing, ever again!) The horror of this I loved the man, I believed him to be, for God damn 32 years - a life time!!!
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Sorry to hear of your awful predicament, finding yourself trying to understand your marital history through the lens of Betrayal. I am dismayed to read your background posts and to see you have only just uncovered your H's infidelities. I am saddened to hear, yet again, another spouse cut down to the bone by their spouse's poor choices behind their back... please be kind to yourself. Do not take onboard his $hitty actions as having been your fault. So very sorry for your hurt and pain. Hugs...
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Well mungosmum is considering staying married because her husband has stopped cheating, what about you? Why are you not filing for divorce yet? Why do you care what I am doing Clarify? I don't need to divorce I don't sleep with him anymore I don't want any other man either. I am done. Frankly, I don't need to become 'available' by not being married anymore ... I still get male attention and for me, it's the easiest thing in the world to bat them off rightaway by telling them, "Sorry, I am married" And to add, "For 23 years now" -- and to have them say stuff like, "Wow, well, your H is a very lucky man." End of Story... they leave it at that. And -- it's over, they do not pursue me any more ... nice and easy... I am Married. I am unavailable. My H is not around me much these days. He is working. My children love him and miss him. When we get together we are a family. My H is part of my family... I don't need to sleep with him... that's his loss, frankly, and he knows it. As for me -- if my mother and her mother could go without a man after age 39 when they were respectively widowed, then who am I not to be able to do that when I am a few years older than that?! And what's the point of divorcing if I have no interest in meeting anyone else?! Yes, I still love my H. But I will not be his toy.
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Alright, that's longer answer than I was expecting. grr You're like a naughty, annoying, younger brother
Author mungosmum Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Thanks for the hugs - I so need a lot of them. I'm now having to come to grips that this has gone on even longer than 20 years!?!? What the hell have I done to deserve this, I know, I've done nothing, but love him, so why, why me? My heart and my head are in conflict! You're right I shouldn't make decisions right now. But the stupid man thinks as its been 4 months since the initial DD I should've got over it, and be on the road to recovery!!! as I said before "Oh, My Giddy Giddy Aunt"!!!!
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Are you saying that you love me like a younger brother? NO WAY! I am saying that you know how to be as annoying as a brother who knows which red buttons to push! Strangers do not normally know where one's buttons are, family does ( cuz they are the ones that have usually installed them, lol)
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 You are much like a younger brother that needs to be admonished. A brother that hangs around when you don't want him to. A brother that goads. A brother that you cannot get rid of. Hope that clears things up for you!
Athena Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Thanks for the hugs - I so need a lot of them. I'm now having to come to grips that this has gone on even longer than 20 years!?!? What the hell have I done to deserve this, I know, I've done nothing, but love him, so why, why me? My heart and my head are in conflict! You're right I shouldn't make decisions right now. But the stupid man thinks as its been 4 months since the initial DD I should've got over it, and be on the road to recovery!!! as I said before "Oh, My Giddy Giddy Aunt"!!!! It's going to be very hard for him to really change his ways. Old habits die hard. As for the 4 months thing where he thinks that's enough time for you to 'get over it', ha ha -- been there, heard that nonsense too... thing is, your H has been living with himself (the Real Him) for so very long now, that it was only you that didn't know what he was really up to... so now for him, he probably feels relief at having unburdened himself onto you, and feels so much better, and is kinda annoyed at you having been dealt such a terrible blow that four months just isn't going to cut it! In my opinion, he really needs to be made to feel and see concrete and harsh consequences from you, or else once enough time goes by and he feels it has all blown over, he will just be back to his old tricks. This is what my H did. And I have regretted not making him feel strong consequences for his first lot of A's on the first D-day. My mistake believing in him and coaching him to be the best he could be, with love. Wrong. All the effer's get from THAT, is how they got away with it, and will indeed turn back to their addictive fix again. Then YOU get screwed. Read more on this site about giving proper consequences. Do a word search on the Infidelity posts. Don't let it blow over. Because he will not be able to sustain any real change like that.
Author mungosmum Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Hey Hey! Stop this! Stop!!! I'm shattered, thinking of taking my life, and I'm hoping for strangers to reach out to me and give me balm for my pain - and I get this rubbish?!
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hey Hey! Stop this! Stop!!! I'm shattered, thinking of taking my life, and I'm hoping for strangers to reach out to me and give me balm for my pain - and I get this rubbish?! Sorry Mungosmum!!! The above poster changes his screen name more frequently than his underpants, methinks!
Athena Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I'm shattered, thinking of taking my life, and I'm hoping for strangers to reach out to me and give me balm for my pain - and I get this rubbish?! Your husband's behavior is NOT worth your taking your life! My goodness!!!!! Yes, I am sure you feel that devastated, but honestly, he obviously has major problems to behave like that, and you cannot be blaming yourself. Please go see a counselor to help you deal with all of this, and take whatever steps necessary to prevent yourself from falling into a depression. Once you are depressed, it's even harder to get out of it. Keep up with your normal routines if you can. Keep up with your friends and family, do NOT block everyone out. Choose some confidants to explain your situation, but pick wisely with an eye on future possible relationship developments between you and H. I know when I found out about my H, I thought back on the years as One Big Lie! How are you feeling, and what are you doing to cope with all of this?
eeyore1981 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Hey Hey! Stop this! Stop!!! I'm shattered, thinking of taking my life, and I'm hoping for strangers to reach out to me and give me balm for my pain - and I get this rubbish?! I agree, this is not the thread for this to be taking place, so why don't you guys STOP IT or move it to another thread. I'm concerned about how you are feeling. Are you getting any kind of help? Don't let that bastard push you so far. I know there is a lot of pain, and I know sometimes it feels like you can't take another minute of it, but you can. I know how trite this sounds, but I swear it is true, it is all relative. Find some threads to read about people who split up and found happiness. There are a lot of them on here, they can be very inspirational. Also, if you are not speaking to someone, a therapist, minister, priest, whatever, find one now and get some help. They can provide you with tools to help you cope. Good luck, and keep us updated.
ReturnToSender Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Im sorry your thread turned into a banter. I cant even begin to imagine how devestated you are by what your husband has done...but taking your life, trust me on this, him and his problem and not worth that. The far better choice would be to reclaim your life....you deserve so much more than what he has been doing to you behind your back. If you wish to work things through with him...definitely stay on top of him, make sure he knows you mean business. If he cannot abstain, then you are under no obligation to live like that. While I cannot begin to say I know what youre going through on the scale that you are...I have felt the pain of looking at the man I love, seeing the same man who I fell in love with, who I gave myself and my all to, and feeling that underneath it all was a lie. Its heartwrenching...Im choosing to try and work through it, but like I said, this was not on the grand scale your husbands infidelity was. Im sorry I dont have any real advice, or any words of infinite wisdom for you... I just really feel the pain through your posts. I also think its a good idea for you to seek individual counseling, to help you get through this...and you *can* get through this. Im sure of it.
Author mungosmum Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Yes, a far better choice would be to reclaim my life..... Thank you for that. Thank you very much.
Author mungosmum Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I will go and find help, its too huge to cope on my own. I heard recently that chronic stress takes 8 years of ones life. Well if I believe in biblical betrayals, its not so much of a stretch to believe we live the biblical 3 score years and 10 - so, why do the deed when it could well happen naturally any day?! Sorry, a bit of black humour
Author mungosmum Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 I agree, this is not the thread for this to be taking place, so why don't you guys STOP IT or move it to another thread. I'm concerned about how you are feeling. Are you getting any kind of help? Don't let that bastard push you so far. I know there is a lot of pain, and I know sometimes it feels like you can't take another minute of it, but you can. I know how trite this sounds, but I swear it is true, it is all relative. Find some threads to read about people who split up and found happiness. There are a lot of them on here, they can be very inspirational. Also, if you are not speaking to someone, a therapist, minister, priest, whatever, find one now and get some help. They can provide you with tools to help you cope. Good luck, and keep us updated. I will go and find help, its too huge to cope on my own. I heard recently that chronic stress takes 8 years of ones life. Well if I believe in biblical betrayals, its not so much of a stretch to believe we live the biblical 3 score years and 10 - so, why do the deed when it could well happen naturally any day?! Sorry, a bit of black humour
Author mungosmum Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Haven't got the hang of this. So I'm sorry I've replied twice and cant seem to edit or delete - I'm learning tho.... Thanks every one for your concern, I'll be OK, I'm STRONG!- well that's what I keep telling myself! I wish I could go home to the UK, where I have friends and family, but he's poisoned where I lived, telling me of the places he visited.
ReturnToSender Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Hah! I got your bit of dark humour there...it did make me smile, but I live on the dark side at times Dont let whatever hes told you about his travels deter you from being at home with your friends and family if that is what you want to do. When was the last time you were back home in the UK? Being there might actually help "bring you back" to where you were, when you were happiest, and help in being able to rebuild what makes you *you* without the whole "us" thing that he has tainted. Know what I mean? If youve got a great family/friend support system out there...I say go for it. Poison be damned
Author mungosmum Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Hah! I got your bit of dark humour there...it did make me smile, but I live on the dark side at times Dont let whatever hes told you about his travels deter you from being at home with your friends and family if that is what you want to do. When was the last time you were back home in the UK? Being there might actually help "bring you back" to where you were, when you were happiest, and help in being able to rebuild what makes you *you* without the whole "us" thing that he has tainted. Know what I mean? If youve got a great family/friend support system out there...I say go for it. Poison be damned Yes I do know what you mean. You put it so articulately. You have certainly given me pause for thought! I have a little grandson, whom I miss, and he doesn't remember me. I moved here in 2001. I travel back and forth, but havent since I found out. I am ashamed to sayI put this sad apology for a man above family and friends to follow this beast here, I gave up my home and a great job - and he continued his foul wh*ring - I think he must've run out of Wh*res in the UK! Thats why he wanted to move to North America - limitless possibilities! ( I'm sure theres a joke here, re Land of the free etc etc - better not go there!!!)
ReturnToSender Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Yes I do know what you mean. You put it so articulately. You have certainly given me pause for thought! I have a little grandson, whom I miss, and he doesn't remember me. I moved here in 2001. I travel back and forth, but havent since I found out. I am ashamed to sayI put this sad apology for a man above family and friends to follow this beast here, I gave up my home and a great job - and he continued his foul wh*ring - I think he must've run out of Wh*res in the UK! Thats why he wanted to move to North America - limitless possibilities! ( I'm sure theres a joke here, re Land of the free etc etc - better not go there!!!) Land of the free...lmfao!!! Well, I dont know about that, but in these hard times, Im sure many of them are offering recession discounts Dont feel bad about having moved here to be with him...you were a devoted wife, and you did what you felt was the right thing to do, given what you knew at that time. No one can fault you for that...! And now...you can take the step as a strong individual to do what you feel is right for you, given what you know now! And I think seeing that grandson of yours would be a great start
Athena Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 I think he must've run out of Wh*res in the UK! :laugh::lmao::lmao: Wonderfully said Yup, get angry... cuz it's either that or giving yourself up to feeling powerless and depression is not far behind that. Keep up with your sense of humour! Start taking care of your own needs now. And re-connect with your family again.
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Marriage is such crap. I learn this daily. There seems to be no simple answers. Either be with an ass or be alone. I hate to tell you this but I doubt that your husband has stopped cheating. And if he has, it's probably only temporary. He will wait until the emotions about this die down, and then he'll become more covert about it. I like what the other woman posted here - she just stays and makes it clear that he lost his chance to ever sleep with her again. I think that's hysterical and a very creative solution. If I were you, I'd never trust this man again. He has betrayed you on the deepest level. I'm sorry this has happened. It sounds like you are extremely rooted where you are, though, and don't really want a divorce. I say do what the other person did - just stop sleeping with him. If you can't do that and can't live with what he does, then your choices are getting very tough.
Author mungosmum Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 Yes, I'm in a quandary. I'm frightened of my future (such as it is). The sex, I cant explain, but I want him to see me as sex on heels! Corsets, thongs, stockings etc ( I said I kept my figure! albeit in dark lighting!) the whole works. I'm not rewarding him for betraying me with decades of sluts - its about me. I want his lust(?!) How dare he want cheap whores. Hes a loser, fat, old, with a limp dick. ( I saw on those awful searches he made, that besides looking for whores, he was also checking out steak houses!) he never eats meat. Seemingly its good for the libido?! I have conflicting emotions, but I feel even at my age I must leave, sell up and take my animals and self respect back to the UK. I wont be able to have the life style or the kind of home I have now. I think its time to give up on the kind of men I've attracted all my life and enjoy the only little man I want & need from now on - my grandson. I'll probably change my mind tomorrow - not about my grandson, but whether I want to stay with the sad fu*ckwit I married 31 years ago.......but then maybe not?!?
ReturnToSender Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Im sort of losing my own mind at the moment...one moment thinking one way, another moment thinking another...what I feel is right for me changes at the drop of a dime. Your feelings about your marriage much more intense Im sure...and I can only pass along advice that I myself wont be able to take (hah!) that you need time to sort through your feelings and your situation and really know for sure what you want... Im the queen of "make hasty decisions under emotional distress" followed by "ooooh, maybe I shouldnt have done that" Your whole life will change if you decide to go, and who knows how things will be if you stay. Theres so much to consider... Oooh, curious..what is he saying or doing now at this point? Any remorse? Any indication he wants to try and make the marriage work and do something about it? Im sorry, Im lost in my head at the moment...my issue is so insignificant next to yours, but its muddling me all the same. Dont be like me...think things though carefully, and take time away, or have him go somewhere if possible. My sister did that...her husband got a 6m lease on an apt..she didnt want him in the house, and she needed time completely away from him to decide how she wanted to proceed.
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