SummerLady Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I am no relationship expert as you all know, hahaha!! But I have put much thought into this. Based off others and myself I honestly think this is the number one criteria for a relationship to work and work well. Yes there are other factors and I am well aware of them all. BUT if you are not emotionally compatiable with the person you are with everything else is a waste of time. This I think is the sole reason most relationships fail or succeed. If my emotional needs are vastly different than the person I am with and the person I am with cannot meet them, or understand why I am the way I am to meet these needs I am in big trouble, and so the struggle continues. For most women this is a must. Does anyone get where I am coming from on this? I know relationships take work but if this need was more equal int he realtionship most other things would fall into place. This is my experience. Thoughts???
tkgirl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I totally get where you are coming from... it's something I have thought a lot about recently as well.... I just never knew what to call it! I feel my last "relationship" was doomed to fail because we were very "emotionally incompatible". I mean, we got along great, had a lot of fun together and there was definitely an attraction and good chemistry (at least in the beginning) but we had very different needs and therefore could not make it work. Attraction and ability to get along really well is a good start, but when you two are in different places in your life and want different things it's going to be next to impossible to make things work for the long haul... IMHO! so... thanks for posting this!
Author SummerLady Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I totally get where you are coming from... it's something I have thought a lot about recently as well.... I just never knew what to call it! I feel my last "relationship" was doomed to fail because we were very "emotionally incompatible". I mean, we got along great, had a lot of fun together and there was definitely an attraction and good chemistry (at least in the beginning) but we had very different needs and therefore could not make it work. Attraction and ability to get along really well is a good start, but when you two are in different places in your life and want different things it's going to be next to impossible to make things work for the long haul... IMHO! so... thanks for posting this! I was not sure what to call it or how to say it. Its something that took me 38 years to learn. I was never getting what I needed emotionally, never. Yes I had some really great times and I am not saying that these past realtionships were not fullfilling to a degree. But they were never satisfying in the emotional capacity I needed them to be in. Hey maybe it was my fault for not seeing it earlier or maybe just knowing what I needed so I could be happy and content. I am not saying it was all the other person. If I had known then what I know now mostly all of those realtionships would have ended much much sooner. The emotional "fit" has to be there. You know when you are getting what you need and you know when its lacking. If you are not getting it get out!
tkgirl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I was not sure what to call it or how to say it. Its something that took me 38 years to learn. I was never getting what I needed emotionally, never. Yes I had some really great times and I am not saying that these past realtionships were not fullfilling to a degree. But they were never satisfying in the emotional capacity I needed them to be in. Hey maybe it was my fault for not seeing it earlier or maybe just knowing what I needed so I could be happy and content. I am not saying it was all the other person. If I had known then what I know now mostly all of those realtionships would have ended much much sooner. The emotional "fit" has to be there. You know when you are getting what you need and you know when its lacking. If you are not getting it get out! sometimes that's easier said than done though... I'm hoping that I finally learned how to do this after going through what I did with the last guy. I would hold on to the "hope" that he would finally come around and feel the same way I did and we would have that "deep connection". I felt if I was patient it might happen... and that my feelings were strong enough for the both of us so I could wait... but it never happened. He even told me he wasn't wanting anything serious right now but liked "hanging out" with me. Took me a while butit finally sunk in that I was wasting my time with him...
Author SummerLady Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 sometimes that's easier said than done though... I'm hoping that I finally learned how to do this after going through what I did with the last guy. I would hold on to the "hope" that he would finally come around and feel the same way I did and we would have that "deep connection". I felt if I was patient it might happen... and that my feelings were strong enough for the both of us so I could wait... but it never happened. He even told me he wasn't wanting anything serious right now but liked "hanging out" with me. Took me a while butit finally sunk in that I was wasting my time with him... I know this, I stayed married for years and was not getting what I needed. Always easier said then done BUT I was not getting the dynamic really. If you get the dynamic you know when its time to get out. Know what you need and if you are getting it. You will know. Lesson learned here.
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I'm not sure if it's the only element that's necessary to make for a great and lasting relationship. There are other factors such as physical compatibility, similar values, similar directional goals in life, communication compatibility and view of life, that are also important.
aerogurl87 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I gotta agree with you OP. With the first guy I dated, our emotional compatibility was completely out of whack. I'm a very open and honest person and he was very closed up emotionally. So that didn't work. Now with the guy I'm dating now, we mesh completely. He understands my need to be in constant contact with him and he likes things that way, which is awesome. So yeah, I think your on to something there.
Sam Spade Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 That's probably true, but emotional compatibility is not just a force of nature, some or most parts of it can be negotiated. After all, emotional needs are met by things your partner does or does not do, so whatever you or they do can be adjusted, at least marginally. Also, somewhere I read a cheesy line that in relationship you shouldn't treat people the way you want to be treated, but the way they want to be treated; the phrasing is kinda corny, but I basically agree. My ex accused me of not meeting her needs, which is technically true although I was convinced I'm the most loyal bf there is. The problem is she couldn't see my way of manifesting devotion, and I dismissed hers (admittedly very poorly expressed anxieties) like bull****. Other than both of us having our heads up our respective asses, there was no particular reason why this couldn't have worked out if the lines of negotiation got opened (rather than closed by means of poor skills and rash decisions).
Trialbyfire Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 That's probably true, but emotional compatibility is not just a force of nature, some or most parts of it can be negotiated. After all, emotional needs are met by things your partner does or does not do, so whatever you or they do can be adjusted, at least marginally. Also, somewhere I read a cheesy line that in relationship you shouldn't treat people the way you want to be treated, but the way they want to be treated; the phrasing is kinda corny, but I basically agree. My ex accused me of not meeting her needs, which is technically true although I was convinced I'm the most loyal bf there is. The problem is she couldn't see my way of manifesting devotion, and I dismissed hers (admittedly very poorly expressed anxieties) like bull****. Other than both of us having our heads up our respective asses, there was no particular reason why this couldn't have worked out if the lines of negotiation got opened (rather than closed by means of poor skills and rash decisions).I'm impressed by your balancing of the cessation of the relationship!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I think that knowing which of the 5 love languages is your primary way of feeling/showing love would help with the compatibility issue. But for sure - if somebody's #1 language is Time and that ranks #5 on their partner's list...then there will need to be extra work put in. It helps if you rank closer together with your needs in this area - it makes things so much easier.
Hkizzle Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Best to have all 4 Emotional Intellectual Physical Similar goals
Rylle Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I agree with SamSpade. I think that in general men and woman tend to have different needs (obviously some overlap), or need their needs to be met in different forms, if that makes sense. It's important to know how to meet your partner's needs they way they need you to meet them.
bhweller Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 people get together for all kinds of reasons, then they wonder why they are not in love, or fall out of love. most of the time the relationship is not really about love in the first place. my last relationship was that way. she liked hanging out with me, liked having sex with me, but there was no intimacy. She didn't think anything was wrong with what we were doing, but she had no intentions of any long term committment either. To her I was overly emotional and weird. I actually do think I am emotional and weird, but I need to find someone who matches up to me. so in the end, yes, if you want to stay together a long time then you had better get your emotional needs met.
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